The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event It's just the most exciting sort of news there is: the Apple launch had the world a-jism all through yesterday UK time, before its entirely predictable events had even begun to unfold. Obviously it would be madness to simply wait until the announcement and then mention anything which was actually new in the form of a brief …
You barely mentioned the Google announcement yesterday, and the one post you did mention it in, was little more than a copy/paste.
That's only fair. No doubt the Google announcement will be on top of every Google search for the next, say, month or so, so it creates some sort of balance. Apple may play the media, but Google is your gateway to anything else.
Q: Why is the Apple still reporting record profits?
A: Because iPad users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them!
Q: What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?
A: A dead wringer.
Q: What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone?
A: iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP
Q: How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPad?
A: Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Q: Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
A: They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPad didn't have a Flash player installed!
Q: How many Apple iPad early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!
Q: What do the latest iPad applications do?
A: Whiten teeth and perform lasik eye surgery!
Q: According to Apple what is the leading cause of iPads overheating?
A: Downloading images of Katy Perry!
Q: What do you call a Scottish iPad?
A: An AyePad.
The problem is that it is being different then described.
You put your tongue into the slot provided... The DNA sensor can recognize its owner in 2 ns.
In order to maintain security, during the sample the tongue is held in place, and if it fails the authentication the automatic slicer is actived.
In tests, the interactive tongue identification tablet sensor (iTITS) has stopped all unauthorized access attempts.
Slackers
Nothing since 14:56 and it's now 16:10!
Or has the internet literally imploded with all the tension?
More likely it's ground to a halt again by people trying to restart the keynote. I hope they have a better setup for this one - I heard the last one sucked badly.
I think I can summarise it for you.
Yosemite, connectivity, some new iToys as leaked. There. I saved you an hour's worth of watching. Alternatively, just read the news tomorrow. Much more efficient.
Probably Laurie Anderson :)
Warning: may induce suicidal thoughts.
"It's as though your washing machine, instead of making an annoying beeping noise, played little radio ads for new washing machines when it finished a wash. Oh fuck, they'll probably start doing that now."
Don't forget the LCD screen on the inside of the lid for full motion video soap ads while you load / unload.
El Reg deserves some kind of journalism award for this title alone.
All news sources deliver large quantities of speculative guff (at least when hard facts are not yet available, and often even when they are available), but how many have the honesty and self-awareness to label it as such up-front?
I think it will be a cold day in Hell before, say, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fox News, CNN, or MSNBC offers such a disclaimer.
Okay, so it turns out the article doesn't actually contain any real speculation. (He says, having finally read the actual article instead of just the title.) It still was a nice parody of the kind of speculation that often gets promulgated by other sources, and that rarely is labeled the guff that it is.
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