back to article African samba queen: Don't cut off pirates' net connections – cut off their FINGERS

Sick of anti-piracy schemes that don't work? Bored with endless debates about whether or not to sever infringing downloaders' connections? How about a real deterrent – like amputation? That, according to reports out of Nigeria, is what one of that country's most prominent performers is suggesting. African samba crooner Stella …

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Ahh I see....

I must be careful not to get fingered for digital piracy in Nigeria.

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Re: Ahh I see....

Nigeria, heart of world scams....

Deer Sir,

I is the acclaimed gentilmen to dispose of the estate of our eminant business person Mr U R Ripoff.

I have $200000000000 to deposit in you account. Please send small cheque for £500 to inherits said monies.

Your expectantly,

Mr W.E. Sawyoucoming

Cutting the heads off would be more appropriate.

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Re: Ahh I see....

"I must be careful not to get DEfingered for digital piracy in Nigeria."

There, FTFY

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Why don't they start by cutting off the nads of the 419, dating site other other scammers there?

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I don't know who's responsible for keeping score, but for what it's worth - I haven't seen a Nigerian scam email in five years or more. From what I can glean from sites like '419eater.com', it looks like that particular business model peaked sometime around 2006-07.

So maybe they did.

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Nigerian 419's

They're still around. I got one the other day purporting to be from Rev Steven something on behalf of the World Bank, offering to aid me in claiming my "inheritance" from a deceased estate in Nigeria.

I read it for a chuckle at the spelling and grammar, added the sender to my ISP's blacklist, and binned it.

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Paris Hilton

Re: Nigerian 419's

It is absolutely amazing how the smell of big money makes people deposit their brain in the ice box.

I had a girlfriend who was into - inter maxima alia - anthroposophy, and during one of the countless workshops she attended, the teacher distributed photocopied Nigerian letters from a millionaire Steiner couple who wanted to give away all their money to other Steiners, just send us your bank account number, a copy of your passport and a $100 to cover the transaction cost and you'll receive a million dollars within the next few days.

The photocopy had been reproduced so many times, it was hardly legible, but even when I showed her articles about the Nigeria scam, she refused to believe that a fellow Steiner would do something so foul and underhanded. I mean, doh!

I had to threaten to report her teacher to the police, or she'd have beelined for the nearest post office.

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Paris Hilton

So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria?

Is Andrew now consulting in the deep south?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria?

Out of interest, what do you get for kidnapping a large number of children in Nigeria?

Ah, nothing.

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Joke

Re: So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria?

"what do you get for kidnapping a large number of children in Nigeria?"

A large number of children

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Re: So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria?

Far better off just saying you witnessed the pirate engaging in homosexual acts, that'll get them chucked in the slammer in NIgeria.

Kidnapping kids? Pfft, there's always more kids. But having a gay relationship? That's almost as bad as intellectual property theft!!

Steven R

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Re: So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria? @ Steven Raith

Sorry, Steven - I like the basic tone of your comment, but IP infringement isn't theft ...

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Re: So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria? @ Steven Raith

You get an upvote for being so politely pendantic that it truly delighted me. Not even being sarcastic!

Steven R

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Pirate

And so what do they cut off if their alledged pirate happens to be a quadruple amputee?

Pirate icon: because many were famous amputees.

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Pirate

Re: So-called "piracy" high on the priority list in Nigeria?

Anything you like -- they haven't got a leg to stand on.

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Anonymous Coward

reminds me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Flesh wound ...

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I think she's got this whole 'digital music' thing wrong.

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Suffering

"making the person suffer without getting anything from all the money he invested in the works?"

Since digital piracy doesn't directly inflict suffering on artists, and only at worst deprives them of some portion of potential income, then I assume the suffering she refers to must be the actual performance work.

If you work in the performing arts where digital piracy is an issue and consider that your actual work is causing you mental or physical suffering regardless of income then it's time for a career change.

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Megaphone

Re: Suffering

What about the pain and suffering we are given from crappy and irritating music in shops, shopping malls, gyms etc. It annoys me a lot and for my wife (a musician) there are some shops she cannot bear to enter.

Icon - the volume and sound quality

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Re: Suffering

Co-op staff apparently have the same problem.

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Re: Suffering

I think a better punishment would be is making the offending downloader listen to Justin Bieber's Baby for 24 hours while being tied down in a bed

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Suffering

I think a better punishment would be is making the offending downloader listen to Justin Bieber's Baby for 24 hours while being tied down in a bed

And thus was losing a finger made acceptable...

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Flame

To quote Not the Nine O'Clock News, "CUT THE BALLS OFF! It's the only way! CUT THEM OFF! CUT THEM RIGHT OFF!"

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Go

Sounds like the Lorena Bobbit has influenced a few people!

http://www.biography.com/people/lorena-bobbitt-235414

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Anonymous Coward

Or possibly the other way round seeing as NT9OCN went off air 11 years before John Wayne B had his life changed.

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Headmaster

I thought it was "goolies" that were to be cut off, not "balls"?

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Holmes

No reason to get so unreasonable--unless it's on the list of optins

What we need is an integrated anti-spammer anti-scammer system. Actually, it should have a provision for bringing in external scams, too, but you basically want to be as open as possible, so no matter which way the spammers and scammers turn, you can still hit them. I'm not saying that they will become decent human beings, even without the fingers, but just that they are driven by the profits, and the smaller the profits, the smaller the problem.

The system should involve several iterations of analysis and targeting. At each point the human spam-fighting volunteer will either confirm or correct the server's analysis. After a couple of rounds of analysis, the webforms will be focusing on the most effective countermeasures. The basic idea is to break ALL of the spammers' infrastructure, pursue ALL of the spammers' accomplices, and help (as mostly protect them from their own stupidity) ALL of the spammers' victims. Yes, I might make a mistake in my analysis of a particular piece of spam, but a bunch of people will be extremely likely to get it right and even reach an agreement on the best responses.

Look at it this way. There are LOTS of people who hate scammers, but only a few suckers out there. If you make it easier to block the spammers away from their suckers, then their money will get really small. Like their penises.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: No reason to get so unreasonable--unless it's on the list of optins

Have you been studying with Amanfrommars?

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Studying Amanfrommars

If so, he's a poor student. Not enough misplaced capitals in the middle of the sentences.

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Progressive

It's so refreshing to see good honest medieval policies. Perhaps serial offenders could be hanged, drawn and quartered?

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Trollface

Nah, throw them into an arena with a pointy stick - last one out only gets his head chopped off. Televise it, of course.

I'm sure it would blow all records of audience, too.

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"Nah, throw them into an arena with a pointy stick - last one out only gets his head chopped off. Televise it, of course."

Yeah, I would definitely torrent that.

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Anonymous Coward

Listening to her music

Would that be considered cruel and unusual punishment? For such a ludicrous suggestion I'm half inclined to go and pirate all her music repeatedly before deleting it and doing it again. AC because I like my fingers.

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Seems fair...

Possibly more reasonable than some of the damages claimed by copyright litigators in the US.

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How many strikes...?

I guess this is more generous than a three-strikes kind of rule - after all, you have ten fingers and I suppose if you have one left, you can still use a PC, so you haven't breached their God given human right to Twitter completely.

Thumbs up - to demonstrate a serial offender.

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Painful music

Perhaps cutting their ears off would be a more appropriate punishment. I assume they would only be caught a couple of times to render further pirating pointless. Unless, of course, they like feeling the vibrations........

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Re: Painful music

"Perhaps cutting their ears off would be a more appropriate punishment."

Wrong. Their ears they keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing their hideousness will be theirs to cherish. Every babe that weeps at their approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in their perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means leaving them in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

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Re: Painful music

And a thumbs up for the Princess Bride reference.

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Joke

...and now we finally know what REALLY happened to the Black Knight. *sigh* He just never knew when to stop, did he...

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Joke

Let's make it a little more advanced

Fingers? Too simple. Let's cut off what is used to consume the media.

Pirating music? An ear

Pirating books? An eye

Pirative movies? An eye AND an ear.

Pirating porn? Oh yes, say goodbye

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Re: Let's make it a little more advanced

What's the penalty for being convicted of nautical piracy in Nigeria? Amputation of the sealegs?

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Coat

Lost in Translation

Someone is confused about what constitutes an appropriate and effective punishment. There are many historical examples of amputation being used on thieves. It resulted in many people with missing bits, but no overall reduction in theft. No, in order to do it right, you have to go straight for the most severe punishment. Kill them. Kill them all along with their families and neighbors then resuscitate as many as possible so they can be killed again. That will show them!

Mine is the one with a copy of Draco's legal code in the pocket.

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Re: Lost in Translation

There are many historical examples of amputation being used on thieves.

Indeed there are many current examples in some Middle Eastern kingdoms

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Joke

Re: Lost in Translation

Easier- Kill the artists. The more their work is 'pirated', the sooner they are killed. Soon the problem will solve itself!

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Re: Lost in Translation

Ok.. that works. You get to pirate Justin Bieber. Oh.. and extra points if you listen to the material.

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Mushroom

All crime is committed by the living!

The criiime isss liiife. The punissshment isss death!

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Anonymous Coward

Currency Conversion FAIL

"The fine cited in the story is 10,000 Nigerian Naira, which is in the vicinity of $60 (£36). So we guess that a hand with five fingers rates at a total of $300 (£177)."

This is the usual BS economic comparison made in Western media.

I would hazard to say that 10,000 Nigerian Naira almost certainly means a hell of a lot more to a Nigerian than £36 means to a Londoner.

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Joke

Re: Currency Conversion FAIL

"£36 means to a Londoner."

That's a Mars bar and a can of Coke isn't it?

Ooop North it's a 7 bed house.

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Mushroom

Suggestions...

" But we're almost certain that our commentards can think of something to top Monye's suggestions.."

How about for every video, forced to watch 'Neighbours' for a week, and for every audio track, made to listen to A Bieber album.

P.S. I you are prepared to lose some pinkies, you can hear her here : www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLdC_ONUObk

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