back to article Nice computers don’t need to go to the toilet, says Barclays

Ever been invited to a party only to discover they gave you the wrong address? This doesn’t happen to me often but then I’m not the sort of person whom people invite to parties. Anyway, this wasn’t a party, it was a user group meetup. There I am, having made an attempt to smarten up a bit, travelled across town and deliberately …

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Errrr?

Knocking off early for the weeked then Alastair? Friday's tomorrow....

Have had all sorts of translations of my Surname. Bayliss is quite common but I've had Bevis from time to time. {no butthead jokes please}.

Then there is this

Unlike inefficient staff, they say, a computer never needs training

WTF do they think that programming is? It tells the computer what to do. Training does the same.

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: Errrr?

I agree !!!

This is really screwing with my week, i just made plans to goto the beach tomorrow, The office isn't happy as i cant cancel the plans !!!

please dont throw us off our schedule.

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Re: only one way to fix this confusion about the day.

We request, nay demand, a BOFH episode tomorrow to get things back in synch.

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Re: Errrr?

Try a surname of Hendrickson. I get no end of variations (Henderson, Anderson etc.) but never quite on target.

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Re: Ha!!! Henderson, Anderson ,Sanderson, whetever the hell your name is

You don't know you are born,

yours

Jon Bruford

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Re: Errrr?

It's my fault for surprising the Reg subs by unexpectedly getting my column written on time.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Errrr?

Have had all sorts of translations of my Surname. Bayliss is quite common but I've had Bevis from time to time. {no butthead jokes please}.

In my case it's Warren, Warham and - my favourite - Warhead. I can only assume the latter is because some of the people I have to give my name to are really cyborgs with a built in MicroSoft spell checker.

As for the Barclays plan to sack all the staff, I experienced an early trial of this at a branch in Chelsea. Had gone to do cash on collection for an item I'd bought on eBay, and was looking to get some cash out. No cash points, but found a small Barclays branch that looked liked Alistair's hipster shop. All chrome framed furniture, unadorned white walls, two enormous ATM thingummys and a plethora of iPad wielding staff. The super ATM machines were so badly designed that every poor sod using them needed to be walked through the (excruciatingly slow) transaction.

Cut to a month later, and my local branch of Barclays in Enfield close the counter service. No sign of the machines though, as the preliminary trials in places like the Chelsea branch proves they need more staff on hand than they had manning the counters ...

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Re: Errrr?

"It's my fault for surprising the Reg subs..."

They do seem to startle easily.

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Re: Errrr?

Reg subs startle easily? Surely you jest. Hard as effing nails, they are.

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Re: Errrr?

But they'll be back, and in greater numbers.

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Big Brother

Re: Errrr?

It's my fault for surprising the Reg subs...

I dunno - first airplanes in the form of PARIS and LOHAN and now subs!

We'll have to set up Vulture Pacific soon, in its own volcano lair hideaway...

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Re: Errrr?

I could almost understand people having problems with complicated or unusual names, but I do not understand the problems they have with mine. Very simple, composed of two very simple common words in English (any variety). The conversation goes like this:

Feckless: "Last name?"

Me: "Goodgame. Good game. Like football is a good game."

Feckless: "Thank you Mr. Goodyear/Goodman/Goodtame/Goodlame/Goodsomethingorother...

Of course there are the obvious variants that I now use as online handles, but used to distress me more in my youth.

FYI: Football where I come from is played by very large men with pads & helmets.

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FAIL

Re: Errrr?

Dammit, turns out my plans can be cancelled !!!

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Re: Ha!!! Henderson, Anderson ,Sanderson, whetever the hell your name is

My surname is Cope. COPE. It must be one of the easiest-to-spell surnames in the english language. It is not:

Cup, Cop, Copp, Coup, Coop, Coope, Coupe, Coppe, Copper, Couper, Cooper, Copi, Copa, Coper (close I suppose!) or Copy or any of those derivations beginning with the letter K when speaking to an east european call center.

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Re: Errrr?

"FYI: Football where I come from is played by very large men with pads & helmets."

As opposed to here, where it is played by overpaid twats.

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Paris Hilton

Re: Errrr?

FYI: Football where I come from is played by very large men with pads & helmets.

Well here in the UK that applies as well, Footballers in their posh pads showing young ladies how they use their helmets!!

Ohh err missus!

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Re: Errrr?

Hey Alison! ;oP

It's the Grammar Gestapo here; "…WHO people invite to parties", if you're using the pronoun as the subject of the sentence, it's 'who', 'whom' is objective, very often used to avoid the generally-accepted-as-being-poor-grammatical-form of ending a sentence with a preposition.

In this instance, the pronoun is referring to you, you are the subject, therefore the correct form is 'who'.

This is one of myriad reasons why I'm Belinda No-Mates…

As for surnames I have, at various points in my life, been referred to as 'Balfar', 'Balfa', 'Belfast', 'Belfart' and, I kid you not, 'Belchfart'.

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Re: Errrr?

It's the Grammar Gestapo here; "…WHO people invite to parties", if you're using the pronoun as the subject of the sentence, it's 'who', 'whom' is objective, very often used to avoid the generally-accepted-as-being-poor-grammatical-form of ending a sentence with a preposition.

In this instance, the pronoun is referring to you, you are the subject, therefore the correct form is 'who'.

I'm afraid I find that parse dubious.

The sentence in question was "This doesn’t happen to me often but then I’m not the sort of person whom people invite to parties." Two independent clauses, so we can disregard the first (and the coordination conjunctival phrase "but then") and reduce the problem to "I’m not the sort of person whom people invite to parties" with no loss of generality.

In that independent clause, we have a passive-voice construction which consists of a simple subject (the "I" of "I'm"), the copula (the "'m" of "I'm"), and a predicate nominative. The last is a noun phrase modified by a dependent clause in the passive voice. Inverting that clause to active voice gives a construction of the form "people invite X to parties", where X is clearly the object of the transitive verb "invite" (the subject of which is "people", and "to parties" is of course an adverbial prepositional phrase).

That should clarify the role of the remaining phrase "the sort of person": it is the object of "invite". And "whom" is the relative pronoun introducing that adjectival dependent clause. Its antecedent is "the sort of person", which per above is the object of "invite", and thus that relative pronoun should be1 in the objective case.

As it is.2

(I'd provide a diagram of the sentence showing the parse, but it'd be a pain to do in ASCII and the Reg doesn't do preformatted-text well. I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader.)

1"should be" in a weak sense of "is preferred by those who care about such things", under a so-called "scientific" view of usage that wants speakers to maintain parallel grammatical constructions with consistent case, number, and so on, and relies on the traditional-preferred interpretation of particular words having particular grammatical case, etc. Prescriptivism is a religion I do not endorse.

2And they said three degrees in English was a waste of time.

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Headmaster

English?

I will need to say communicate with her and customer-facing staff in London do not speak English.

Are you sure it's her English you need to be worried about?

Or couldn't you decide whether to say or communicate?

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Re: English?

I think perhaps the "say" could have benefited from a comma or two..?

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ZSn

Nexus

I think that the NEXUS analogy is more apt, like the replicants, they also have a four year life expectancy

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This is all well and good, but did you make it to your user group meetup?

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Yes, please Mr Dabbs. The suspense is killing me.

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Yes, please Mr. Dabbs. These suspenders are killing me. (The weekend came early)

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>> did you make it to your user group meetup

Yes, thank you. Fortunately, nobody in the user group knows I write this column.

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Re: >> did you make it to your user group meetup

Which user group did you say it was? ;-)

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FAIL

Re: >> did you make it to your user group meetup

"Hello my name is Alistair" sobs "And I write a column for El Reg" hangs his head in shame

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Anonymous Coward

Re: >> did you make it to your user group meetup

Ah, so that'll be the El Reg staff meeting then.

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Anonymous Coward

Reminds me of the time I went to my local NatWest bank to pay in a cheque. There I am, standing in the queue, when a wandering member of staff says, "Just paying that in?". "Yes". "If you'd like to come over here, you can use this machine", she offered. Well, it wasn't so much an offer as a plea to get someone to use one of the bastard things. "It won't work," I said, "it never does". "Well, let's try it, it should work".

So, over I wander. I fill in the slip, try to work out which way to order and orient the various components, before carefully feeding them into the indifferent machine. Much whirring ensued. Then... silence... then... out pop my ingredients and up pops a generic error message. Two more attempts, overseen by the awkward staff, failed.

So I ended up rejoining the queue, in my original position. Cheque handed over, paying-in book stamped. Total time (after waiting), ooh, 10 seconds.

So the job of one cashier was replaced by the job of one cashier, one machine and another wanderer, helping customers use said machine. That's efficiency for you.

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Odd in my Natwest the information desk will actually pay in Cheques (Although that was a few years ago), if they aren't busy.

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Anyone know why paying in slips require you to fill in the amount at least twice and write the name of the cheque signatory in a strip about 2 cm wide? They seem curiously at odds with modern banking. It's like they had 200 years supply of the things printed in 1950 and they have to use them all up.

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a question...

what is this cheque of which you speak?

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"Anyone know why paying in slips require you to fill in the amount at least twice and write the name of the cheque signatory in a strip about 2 cm wide? "

IME, you only have to write the amount once for each cheque, and the total is written in the box on the front. If you're only paying in a single cheque, it might seem like duplicated effort, because then you really are writing the amount twice. (That's on the paying in slip itself, of course; if you're using a 'stub' format paying in book, rather than one in which carbon copies are kept) you have to write everything twice.

What I find annoying is that some banks' paying in books seem to unintentionally be designed for left-handed people. These are where the cheque details are written on the rear of the paying in slip, but it remains oriented the same as the front, so you're writing on the left hand side when writing on the rear. If you're paying in a lot of cheques (as you might if you are a business and your customers refuse to greet modern technology), you end up filling in both columns of cheque details - and the column closest to the spine, especially the amount, can be awkward to fill in with your right hand at certain depths in the paying in book.

FFS, print the reverse of the slips so that there is one (portrait) column, rather than two (landscape) columns.

"It's like they had 200 years supply of the things printed in 1950 and they have to use them all up."

That's my bank with cheque books on my business account.

My use of cheques is rare, and most years I write only a single cheque. Several years ago, I reached the point in a cheque book where a replacement is automatically sent. They sent two - each containing 100 cheques. And earlier this year they sent two more, for no apparent reason. I now have enough cheques to keep me going until something like 2410. Perhaps the late 2300s if I ever get extravagant and sometimes write two cheques in one year.

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Re: a question...

a middle european I believe

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IME, you only have to write the amount once for each cheque, and the total is written in the box on the front.

It's been a while since I had to do it, but I seem to recall, when paying in a single cheque:

- payer name + amount on the back of the slip

- total amount (i.e. the same again) at the bottom of the amount column on the back

- same amount next to the "total of cheques" label at the front

- same amount again for the total of cheques and cash

Perhaps I could skip one of these totals, but I'm afraid I won't get the money unless I complete the entire ritual.

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Anyone know why paying in slips require you to fill in the amount at least twice and write the name of the cheque signatory in a strip about 2 cm wide? They seem curiously at odds with modern banking.

Quaint. Here in the barbarian wilderness of the US, I just feed the stack of checks1 into the ATM, which scans the amounts and totals them. It lets me confirm it has the amounts right (showing an image of the check next to the scanned amount), then it processes the deposit. Haven't had it go wrong yet. No deposit slip is involved; I still have a bunch of the things, but haven't used one in ages.

Since my bank2 has ATMs cleverly located at shops that specialize in coffee and pastries, this works out well for all concerned.

1Like cheques, but with less queuing.

2Actually a credit union, which is like a bank, but with less stupidity.

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Ah, you mean like Alliance & Leicester had, before Santander took them over and replaced the nice state of the art machines that worked with the crap old machines that require an envelope that it fails to dispense?

I used to go to those branches specifically for those scanning machines as it made life far easier. Especially since they Will Not take a business account cheque over the counter, even if the machine is knackered! Fuckwits wrote those procedures.

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Your name on the coffee 'cup'

You don't have to give your real name. I went through a phase of saying 'Carlos' when asked.

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

For coffee-buying purposes my name is "Evadne".

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

I use the name on the badge of the poor bastard barista behind the counter. They usually have unique names for the region which heps avoid confusion at the other end of the bar.

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

If ever there was a photo I wish I had snapped on impulse, it was in a Costa when a Spanish barista came on-shift and signed in to the till, which then flashed up the message: "You are being served by Jesus."

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Coat

Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

Dear Sir,

Now you know why I detest Starbucks.

Yours, etc.

Regina Windebotham

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

And if that cup had been adorned with a little crown of thorns.... or you were little stirring sticks in the form of nails to given a couple of nails....

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

I prefer to use the name of an alternative coffeeshop chain, say ordering a coffee in Costa as Mr Starbuck.

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Devil

Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

I just use God. Although I've found that while the rejects in Starbucks aren't offended....the staff in Chik-fil-a REALLY DON'T LIKE IT, AT ALL...which is the whole point.

I like reserving a table for "God, party of one" just to have them annouce it over the PA system. Calling God, party of one...

My other choices are 'Who Cares", "Make One Up" or "John Holmes*"

* - I use that name for test accounts when working on clients' computers because, why not.

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

I once lied and said my name was Bernard, then promptly forgot I'd lied and began to wonder where my coffee was... then I remembered.

SD

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

Try Spartacus..............Yes thats me Im Spartacus!

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Coat

Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

"You are being served by Jesus."

Great…now I've got Jesus Jones stuck in my head. I best get moving, my workplace will want me right here right now.

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Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

Now you know why I detest Starbucks.

I'm not fond of Starbucks, with their overcooked coffee, wildly inflated prices,1 and general pretentiousness. But I have found that my standard order of "a medium2 coffee" is often filled immediately by the cashier - no fancified coffee-slinger involved - and so I am not required to give my name.

Black coffee and anonymity. It's the best way.

1Though in their defense they suffer from the usual problem of coffeehouses: they sell a little product to a bunch of customers who then loaf about the premises all day, using electricity and water.

2I refuse to call it a "grandildo" or whatever nonsense term they use for that size.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Your name on the coffee 'cup'

For coffee-buying purposes my name is "Tax Payer"

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