back to article US bloke raises $250k to build robo-masturbation device

The inventor of a "powerfully realistic electronic male pleasure machine" has hailed the “outpouring of support” for his robo-orifice after raising a whopping $250k down at Indiegogo. With the backing of over 2,000 chaps, Brian Sloan has shot past his original $45,000 goal and is now poised to deliver worldwide relief via the …

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Imagine ...

"... I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

... how they'd feel if they saw a real one.

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Re: Imagine ...

>how they'd feel if they saw a real one

Maybe they were offended because they wanted to see a real one.

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Anonymous Coward

Let's hope

Let's hope he doesn't run the thing on Android or Windows, the risk of picking up a dose of malware could be life threatening...

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Thumb Up

Bunch of wankers....

...so where do I sign?

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Now I've heard it all, Software Defined Wanking!

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

That's not actually a bad idea... Let's hope that this device has a decent API and a USB connector.

You could have it sync up with a movie of your favourite grumble flick, or you could have it vary the grip, frequency and length of strokes.

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

Let's hope it was "hard" coded without any backdoor exploits :-)

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

Software as a service indeed.

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

The latest in as-a-Service solutions:

WaaS - Wanking as a Service

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Gimp

A few years back I worked with a woman that was really into AI and machine learning; her partner was a neurologist. She built an AI that would take data from various skin sensors (Salinity, blood flow, temperature), an EEG, and an EKG machine. The AI would then take this input and use it to control toys attached to robotic arms to stimulate nerve clusters in specific ways that would produce the best experience base on feedback from the sensors.

Last I heard, she was trying to get funding to reduce equipment needed, especially trying to get it so it was no longer a tangled web of cables and taking less than an hour to get hooked in.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Software Defined Wanking

Let's hope it was "hard" coded without any backdoor exploits :-)

Apparently, some people would consider that an omission :p

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Software Defined Wanking

Let's hope that this device has a decent API and a USB connector.

As long it's not USB powered, I suspect such activity needs a bit more.

It gives a whole new meaning to the term "USB dongle", though :)

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Anonymous Coward

A few years back I worked with a woman that was really into AI and machine learning

There is one very evil input she can take: strain gages. Just before the moment it's all about certain muscles change tension - abort and restart at that point..

(she's not the first with that idea, but a full AI is likely to significantly improve on the concept).

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

Some joke about hard drive floppy drive

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Angel

Re: Software Defined Wanking - @Bertie D'astard

... without any backdoor exploits :-)

Exploits such as the common and inconvenient "I've got a headache" virus, perhaps?

;-)

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

"has a decent API and a USB connector."

Wireless networking, so it['s users bits] can be a part of the Internet of, ahem, Things.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Software Defined Wanking

Yeah, so blokes can claim they've got IPv6 when we all know it's only really IPv4 ;)

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Happy

Re: Software Defined Wanking

Masturbation as a Service? MaaS

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Re: Software Defined Wanking

You're not even trying anymore.

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Those who remember the 80s will perhaps remember the newspaper ads "Nothing sucks like a VAX". Many DEC sales guys hated that vacuum cleaner...

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Anonymous Coward

"a full AI is likely to significantly improve on the concept"

Just don't give it a female personality or it's bound to get a head ache at the most inopportune time!

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"female personality or it's bound to get a head ache"

Depends on which definition of 'head ache' you are using...

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It just doesn't look big enough

How are you supposed to fit it all in there?

There's only 4" of stroke there. It doesn't seem like nearly enough.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: It just doesn't look big enough

It's a blowjob simulator not a deepthroat simulator.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: It just doesn't look big enough

I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

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I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

If he does, it will make a sound similar to a VC-10 taking off. Just so the punter 'knows it's working'.

Phil.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

When your nads are in a cyclone it won't be the thing making a noise like a VC-10 taking off.

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Gimp

3 sizes

Let me guess, comes in large, huge and enormous sizes

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Re: 3 sizes

no that's large, huge and executive (aka the biggest swinging dicks)

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Coat

Re: 3 sizes

No, you're misunderstanding, it's not the device that c... never mind.

Besides I don't see what's wrong with the range defined in Good Morning Vietnam: "Large, Medium and Caucasian".

(Yeah that's it, the one with just one pocket, undulating slightly. Ta)

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JDX
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"I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

Ah, never miss an opportunity to make a passive-aggressive slight towards those who are under no compunction to let you use their service.

He sounds like he should get laid.... oh wait.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

On the plus side, it's one of those products where "it sucks" is actually a *positive* review..

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hj

Re: "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

I think that remark was not meant to them but for the sad people who watch a sales pitch for a masturbator and then complain it contains fake(!) nudity.

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Anonymous Coward

Looks great. Honest

However if its good enough it could cause all sorts of problems. Like guys not being 'in the mood' on demand! Well one can hope.

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Anonymous Coward

Extra funding

Enabled them to develop a handle, but funders don't get it, suckers.

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Happy

Deeply skeptical

I wouldn't touch it with a ten inch pole!

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Joke

Personally I think this sucks.

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Hardwear that sucks!

Do they have any stats on up times?

It may be a good alternative to fingerprint technology for authentication, you know c(l)ock in c(l)ock out ;-)

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I'm blown away

let's hope for all those self-gratifiers out there that despite the whole idea behind it, the product doesn't blow.

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What,,,,,,,,,

No offers of consumer trials for field testing

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Down with this sort of thing

The human race will die out ... with a whimper, rather than a bang.

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Re: Down with this sort of thing

Not the whole human race, just the wankers. Although we'd have to find a way to keep the government from collapsing due to lack of new politicians...

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Paris Hilton

Re: Down with this sort of thing

More ladies for the rest of us! More than you know want actual children.

Yeah even unto Paris.

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Pirate

does it swallow?

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Cum on . . .

One swallow doesn't make an Ann Summers.

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Just get a Fleshlight

.. and either use your own (or indeed someone else's) hand to move it, or arrange it with some pillows and hump it.

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Angel

There's already a machine quite similar to this for sale and which is used relatively widely. Ivy something? I can't exactly go looking for it because, er, i'm at work right now, but it definitely already exists.

I know bcause of reasons.

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Happy

Ivy Biggun?

Ivy Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts?

Ivy-ever blowing bubbles...

[that's enough of that! - Ed]

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Prior art...

Some years ago the Japanese produced a robotic motorised "hand" on a pole (snigger) that would move up and down in time to the actions of a young lady on a DVD that could be linked to it by USB...!

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Anonymous Coward

Small, Medium, or Large?

Um, I have no idea if I'm "small" "medium" or "large", I must not spend as much time looking at other penises (penii?) as some guys.

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