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back to article Terrifying photo special: 'Electric Cannon' anal orgasmo-probe in use ... on a BULL

For the benefit of those readers feeling frankly tired of the internet this fine February Friday, we're delighted to present a picture special so bereft of an IT angle that we're not even going to bother attempting to concoct a vaguely tenuous link. Yes indeed, if you've ever wondered - like you do - just how you milk a bull, …

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Dear Theresa May.

I didn't mean to look at this Reg story, please don't put me on a list.

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IT Angle

Where's the IT angle?

Oh wait, the PHB just walked past my office ...

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Re: Oh wait, the PHB just walked past my office ...

Dying to test out your new kit??

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Coat

Evidence

Without video I was going to call bullsh... Oh wait...

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I didn't see any topless heifers shaking their udders

or Isaac Hayes* on the boombox -- no wonder our bovine friend's ... contribution ... was less than robust.

* Isaac Hayes, voice of South Park's Chef, he who once asked "Did they give you a ANAL PROBE"?

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Paris Hilton

Re: I didn't see any topless heifers shaking their udders

In the future, Rubén should consider taking along some copies of "Readers Heffers", "Playbull", "Cowshed" or "Bulls Only".

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Would make an interesting Playmobil story. Just sayin'

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Anonymous Coward

"The 12v ejaculator" ...

Implying they make a 240v one as well?

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Re: "The 12v ejaculator" ...

Outdoor kit, so would undoubtedly be 110v - the stuff with the yellow commando sockets.

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Reminds of a day I had in Spain

My friend came to me begging me to come to his office and fix the project that needed to be working for the next day? My task? Fix the custom USB cable on a system designed to freeze pig semen.

Fun fact.. The tubes of semen are loaded by sticking one end in the semen and sucking the fluid into the straw. (thankfully not my job)

My life in Madrid will always have the best stories.

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Re: Reminds of a day I had in Spain

Back in the 1950s, my mother worked as a lab tech at an animal research facility in NZ. Her colleague was pipetting bull semen when she caught an air bubble, and got a mouthful.

Rule 34 probably applies here, but this happened even before ARPANET.

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Anyone Else

Skip from page one to page 5 without the bits in the middle?

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Re: Anyone Else

... almost - I just came straight to the comments!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Anyone Else

Skipped the foreplay, eh?

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Anonymous Coward

Revelation

I petition for this technique to become mandatorily applied on a weekly basis to all MPs and members (totally unintended pun) of government as a way to either:

Jiggle their few remaining neurons into an approximation of functionality

Or

failing that give us something more entertaining to watch than the carp on telly

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Re: Revelation

Personally I think MPs should have the prototype version of this device.

The one which is attached to the nadgers and makes you shit when it hits 11..

Kickstarter project anyone ???

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On the udder hand...

Is putting such content on the Reg appropriate? After all, its a tech site frequented by various techies and, as we all know, some of these folk exhibit odd behaviour and may consider this piece as an attempt at fetish porn.

Do we want to encourage such unwholesome thoughts?

It's Friday, so mine's a Guinness...

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Mamporrero

Is a great spanish word.

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(Written by Reg staff) Bronze badge

Re: Mamporrero

Yes it is.

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Happy

Re: Mamporrero

Porrero is even better.

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the 'Rectum Rocket'

Several decades ago, I worked in the electronics shop of a well known Veterinary College. One of our more interesting jobs was the repair of this electro-ejaculator kit. Every 3-4 weeks one of these would show up in the shop with busted XLR jacks, broken cables, or failures in the control box. We made good use of the spray bottle of alcohol and paper towels.

Watching this device in action was always impressive - the vet. would manually pulse the voltage dial, the bull would start bellowing at the voltage spike, and then a big sigh when he let go. They always appointed a female vet student to hold the collection tube. This likely contributed to an extremely low instance of unplanned pregnancies within the student body ...

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Pint

Ah... the never-ending quest for knowledge.

Thanks Lester for filling in a knowledge gap. El Reg is to be commended for rising above MS, and Apple PR to give us real bull!!!!

Have a pint for in depth research and the bravery to explore the arcane.

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Ah memories

My grandfather raised cattle. I grew up working on that farm. Nuff said.

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XLR connectors...

Now that's something you don't find in Ann Summers!

... Or am I just not looking hard enough?

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Unhappy

damn....

Just when I thought it was safe to read the Reg on my lunch break...

Damn.

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Coat

Come again?

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This reminds me a little of a story I read.

It might've been a James Herriott one, but probably not.

It was someone relating their experiences doing much the same job as this in times when electro-butt-plugs weren't available and artificial cow vaginas like this were more in use:

http://www.pakdairyinfo.com/semen.htm

As I recall the device was warmed with water and then the brave collector would stand alongside a fertile cow, and when the bull mounted to cow to perform the deed, the rubber cow vagina was slapped on the end of the bull's John Thomas.

Well, the vet in question was at the farm and asked the farmer's wife to put some warm water in the artificial vagina, which she duly did. The vet received the object back, got in position and the bull made his move at which point the vet slapped the rubber spunk-catcher on the old fellah's machinery.

Apparently the bull let out a squeal of agony, leaped two feet in the air, withdrew himself from the vagina and legged it for the other side of the enclosure. The vet discovered that the farmer's wife had taken boiling water straight from the stove and used that to warm the vagina, so when the bull stuck his old man in it must have been like slapping it in a kettle.

The bull provided a sufficient sample for testing, which was fortunate since he was somewhat wary of enticing young heifers from that day on.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: This reminds me a little of a story I read.

I have a policy of not loading any file called 'semen.htm'.

Hell, I wouldn't even touch 'semen.xls' for that matter. And definitely not 'semen.h'...

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Flame

Re: This reminds me a little of a story I read.

That one was a Herriot story: I think it was in 'The Lord God Made Them All,' but can't find it exactly.

Flames, since that's what the poor bugger was feeling like.

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Re: This reminds me a little of a story I read.

The movie "Jackass" demonstrates the use of such a device with a stallion.

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I am NOT letting my wife see this. She has enough 'ideas' already!

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Unhappy

I enquired about this when I wondered about how sperm donation was done.

But I was humans don't need such devices.

Our biology teacher was also one of the SE teachers and her knowledge of reproductive methods of the animal kingdom was quite legendary.

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IT Angle

The BOFH has a supercharged electric cattle prod

An IT angle.

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Re: The BOFH has a supercharged electric cattle prod

This story definitely involved prodding cattle with a super charge!

So yeah, that does kind of hook it into the BoFH.

I can't imagine the Bastard or his apprentice probing a side of beef with their prod, though...

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: The BOFH has a supercharged electric cattle prod

I can...

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1cc is not out of line for cattle, depending on stress, age, nutrition & hydration.

See: http://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/containing/1103657

It always amuses me when city folks try to discuss livestock breeding :-)

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Pint

I would rather prefer to be a horse than a bull in my next life. Size and shape matter.

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"I would rather prefer to be a horse than a bull in my next life."

Why not try to come back as an upper class Englishman? Much the same, you'll be shagging mares most of your life.....

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Happy

@ Tim Worstal

I have to think a bit about that. This reminds me about a true story a lawyer I knew told me. There was this old guy working in some stable with cows. So he had built a chair enabling him to fuck the cow of his choice.

Every now and then he was reported to the authorities involved. Asked by the judge why he did it (again), he would say - I just felt like it. He got some modest fine and apart from that the state sized his chair as it took part in the crime. So this lawyer was contemplating whether the state had some shed for his chairs or what the fuck they used them for. (Better get back to IT) Right now I will miss understand even that.

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Anonymous Coward

Once upon a time…

The attractive nurse led me to a quiet room with some of those explicit magazines. She indicated that I should sit in the chair. She placed a sample bottle on the top shelf near the door, told me to shoot one into the bottle , and call her once I was successful. Then, disappointingly, she left. Well, apparently I misunderstood the instructions. It took me many hours and 16 tries before I finally managed to hit that sample bottle, still on the top shelf.

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Facepalm

Re: Once upon a time…

ugh.

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Easier than the old way

You still see a lot of there hanging on the walls of spanish pubs in central spain:

Basically a 2 feet long leather tube/bull condom.

You'd have to pull it's nob out the cow, slip it into the sheath instead and let it thrust its way to completion.

technology seems to have made it a bit easier.

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ROFL

"Rather you than me mate, seriously."

Yes, same thing here. Geez, even Dilbert's job is AWESOME as compared to others'.

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Holmes

Lester!

You really need to stay indoors more.

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Anonymous Coward

Never worked for me

I've tried similar devices on myself (oh, the joys of involuntary celibacy), but could never make myself ejaculate. I'd love to know the secret...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Never worked for me

No heifer nearby?

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Sheesh - all that palava for such a small wad. The bar flies in New Zealand would not be impressed if that's all they got for their horse semen shots. I can just picture the scene - "Bruce, grab the jug and go be nice to Dobin again, the girls are thirsty!"

http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/capital-life/5176745/Women-flock-to-take-horse-semen-shots

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Anonymous Coward

Ahem....

Many years ago after I'd had my vasectomy I had to present a semen sample after a month or so so they could check to see if any of mummy's little soldiers were still getting through. The thing is you have to get the sample to the clinic (the hospital in this case) within an hour of ejaculation, so they can check how many 'live' ones there are, if any.

The wife helped *cough* me with the sample and I rushed off to the hospital. I walk in to a full outpatients room... with a large queue. Knowing time was of the essence I made my way to the front, carefully screening the sample (actually keeping it warm) from view. At the desk I tried to get a receptionist's attention by simultaneously Staring Very Hard and waving the sample bottle with my hand protecting the view from patients. "Ah!" She said at last in a loud voice, "Semen sample is it?"

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Siremaster "Professional"

The kit looks very up to date. Shouldn't there be a jumbo tub of KY jelly though? Or is that why the bull's eyes are watering? And what's the tape measure for?

I have a book somewhere with a photo of the arrangements required for inflicting the same indignity on rams, said book from the 1950s. The ejaculator looks like an old chair leg with wire wrapped round it, and is connected to something that looks like a battery charger. No Youtube then though, I think you had to send away for 8mm films.

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Re: Siremaster "Professional"

The tape is for measuring testicles diameter. There´s a direct relation between diamenter and function. Too small/big is not good. Small means no good production and too big could mean inflamation and/or neoplasia.

"La virtud está en el término medio"

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