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back to article Apple files foul-up-fixing patent for fumbling slab-fondling flubbers

Apple has filed a patent which will automatically filter out mistaken touchscreen commands made by clumsy slab-fondlers. The new patent can detect the movement of a person as they manipulate their iThing and then make changes to the GUI. The system can also learn the pattern of a fanbois' mistakes, meaning that when it detects …

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So I guess using your iPad on the train/plane will result in 1 icon on the screen?

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Not unless the train is going over really bumpy tracks

It isn't going to go off speed of travel, but on changes in acceleration. If you walk you have a bit less ability to touch where you want, if you're jogging even less. Not because you're faster, but because the average person doesn't walk/jog on wheels.

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Wrist action

Will it think my parkinson's tremor is something more personal?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Wrist action

No it can detect Handroid users ;)

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What a clever patent

So, if the patent can do all that, Apple doesn't have to add any new hardware or software to their iDevices: they just install the patent. Job done.

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Thumb Down

Is That The ifumble

What a fabulously boring item for fabulously boring kit.

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Oh, FFS

Oh, FFS, now Apple can't trust anybody to be anything other than a fumbling moron. Mind you, given my professional dealings with Apple that does just about sum up their attitude to anybody not directly employed by them, or anybody at all for that matter.

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Mushroom

Disrupted dexterity

“While the user and the device is in motion, the user's dexterity with respect to the touch-sensitive display can be disrupted by the motion”

As can their ability to walk in a straight line, maintain a constant speed, not bump into people, not stop suddenly in the middle of the pavement; essentially, not be an annoying PITA.

Non-IT angle? Newspaper and book reader-walkers, I’m looking at you too!

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Hmm.

So if ti detects weaving movement does it go into drunk mode by opening up the map apps and trying to direct you to the nearest kebab shop? (Which will probably result in you in the nearest river given Crapple Maps)

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Anonymous Coward

There's an app for that

Picture this. It's 11:20 on a Friday night. Your phone detects that you're weaving about, knows it's closing time so Siri pops up with 'I see you're stumbling out of the pub. Would you like a curry or kebab?' - as a bonus the app can display a snarky paper clip on the screen.

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Anonymous Coward

Is this innovation?

NO! is the answer to that.

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Anonymous Coward

You'd be proud of it if you had thought of it.

It's a process for improving accuracy when using a touchscreen. Patents are all about processes.

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Facepalm

Once again an Android idea is slightly tweaked and claimed as original

I'm proud of my Nexus 5, which similarly knows if I'm walking, running or riding a bike. But we're dealing with the famous Apple reality distortion field here and the best courts money can buy, so the fact that phone's been out for 4 months and they'll still be awarded this patent even though they only got round to copying it today today is all perfectly right and proper.

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FAIL

Re: Once again an Android idea is slightly tweaked and claimed as original

@Bob Vistakin sez I'm proud of my Nexus 5

You're proud of a phone ?

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NOT copied from Android - look at the filing date

Patent was filed in 2007, before the first Android phone even existed!

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Anonymous Coward

Soon to be seen on a Samsung near here?

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Alcohol sensor too please

For when you've had too many. Make the targets bigger and make them appear to move less.

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I fail to see how this is patentable.

Hump Hump Hump.

Ring Ring.

Tap. Fumble Swipe.

Shit!

Hump Hump Hump Hump Hump.

Ahw Shit. Why can't Apple sort this shit out!!!!

Yes baby! Yes Baby! Oh, you've gone all limp. Did you cum prematurely, or not at all, whilst failing to deliver my Orgasm?

I guess my general consensus is you should not be able to patent something 'obvious' to your 'captive audience'.

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Joke

Oi Slap: Slap!!

Q: What is wrong with a fumbling moron using IT KIT?

Email answers to yourself

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And the real answer is.... a STYLUS. That way fat fingers don't hit two, or more, things at once.

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WTF?

Seven years for a patent to be processed...Seven years for rival companies to invent exactly the same thing.. No wonder half the industry is involved in patent related lawsuits against the other half. If everyone backtracked every idea they had to see if there allready was a patent pending, the world would be a hell of a lot more expensive to live in :s

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Holmes

"Do you consent to Apple charging you for the use of its new, patented, auto click correcting technology on a per click basis?"

*user clicks no*

"Our patented auto click correct technology has determined you meant to click Yes. Your first payment has been charged. Thank you!"

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WTF?

Only an Apple user would ...

need this.

Samsung has bi-level sensitivity which allows for different operating environments. This avoids the Apple design deficiency.

But Apple has a unique audience - who in their right mind buys a product with publicly known defects in it?

And, of course, being lesser intelligent mortals, they are in need of connectors that can never be plugged in the wrong way. Android users know the wrong and right ways.

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All your software belongs to Apple.

Every programmer who writes similar tricks on a daily basis is more into the claws of Apple.

Don't you dare think, Apple's got all thoughts patented.

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