back to article OMG, Andrex KILLED the PUPPY! Not quilty, exclaim bog roll boys

The British bog roll brand Andrex has been forced to deny rumours that it is planning to kill off the iconic Labrador puppy mascot. Toilet paper lovers on its mailing list reacted furiously after receiving an email which appeared to suggest the puppy was going to be flushed from promotional material. They took to Andrex's …

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Online toilet paper lovers?

You live and learn.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Tescos own brand is good enough for my ar*se and over a £1 cheaper.

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Anything that doesn't feel like tracing paper/sandpaper and your finger doesn't go through will do for me.

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

That's it.

You're about to wipe fæces on it and flush it down the crapper, anyway. Who cares if it has quilted images of angels or is twenty different colours, or lights up and plays a song.

You're dead on with the tracing paper thing, though. I remember at primary school, probably the worst bog roll in the world - felt exactly like that - greaseproof paper, tracing paper - hard and crinkly, 0% absorbency, massively arse pain inducing. Terrible to use and terrible at its job. Probably usable as some kind of mental and physical torture on an enemy.

Edit: think I've found it. Izal, perhaps.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Tescos own brand is good enough for my ar*se and over a £1 cheaper.

Tesco's own brand? I wouldn't wipe .. oh, wait ...

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Bronze badge

Re: Online toilet paper lovers? @Piro

That's the stuff - Izal medicated. They also invented the method of strengthening paper by perforating it such that it will only tear elsewhere.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

"Tescos own brand is good enough for my ar*se and over a £1 cheaper."

Well good for you. I bet you also think tap water is better than bottled mineral water.

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Facepalm

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

@AC If you're gullible enough to believe that bottled mineral water is "better" than tap water, I've got a great deal for you on Nelson's Column...

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Tap water IS better than bottled water. At least in civilized countries like Austria....

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

When I first came to the UK in the 1970s was confronted with Izal in B&Bs and on trains and I instantly understood so much about English culture right then and there. The country that would devise and promulgate this stuff (often with little messages on each non-absorbent square to not please what your hands -- you betcha) is the natural home for stoic discomfort-lovers who could take on an empire, because they didn't mind dying like flies to do so, but also home for a 'any sub-standard dreck is good enough for you lot' mentality, which we see all around us today (BT, Southern Trains, TalkTalk, I'm talking about you).

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

You're dead on with the tracing paper thing ...

I remember some grafitti on a toilet cubicle wall at Newcastle Poly. Went something like

"I've been at this place for three f***cking years and only now do they start using bog roll that's worth nicking!"

Colin

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

>You're dead on with the tracing paper thing, though.

The secret is to crumple it up a bit before use. Not too much, or then your finger *will* go through!

We had some stuff at school called "Bronco". I think this was the value version of Izal. I later found out that bronco is Spanish for rough...

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MJI
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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

We actually took some into class and used it as tracing paper.

Crap stuff and a good idea to have a few tissues in your pocket.

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MJI
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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Tesco 12 for £6.50 I THINK me get.

Don't like the cheap stuff, nor the tracing paper

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MJI
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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Well tap water is fine, I only used bottled water because the water at work tastes horrible and I use bottled tap water!

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Trollface

Re: Online toilet paper lovers? @Piro

"They also invented the method of strengthening paper by perforating it such that it will only tear elsewhere."

On reading that, my immediate thought was "Now, how can Apple work that into a patent 'on a mobile device' ?"

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Childcatcher

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

In my school I remember being sent to the toilets to gather some for use as tracing paper, when we run out of the real stuff. In today's world using that stuff on your arse would be considered child abuse as it hurt real bad.

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Balance

ASDA (Shades) £8.00 for 24 rolls, slightly softer than Tesco...

..still can't make packed lunches with them though.

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Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

I bought the very cheap end of supermarket own brand recently - big mistake, actually threw most of it away in the end it was so weak. I will never express any desire to "get in touch with my inner self" again.

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Headmaster

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Same here. Ran out of tracing paper in a maths class at junior school and the teacher got us to go get some of that toilet paper to use.

To use as bog roll you had to scrunch it up first or it was useless!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Izal

I remember the boxed version, dispensing just one tiny sheet at a time. I remember the way it wiped nothing, but just slid, spreading the crap everywhere.

It was sheeeet.

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Re: Tap water IS better than bottled water. At least in civilized countries like Austria....

I live in the Pacific Northwest where a lot of bottle water companies have set up factories, and I hate to break it to you, but bottled water *IS* tap-water.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Online toilet paper lovers?

Tap water better than bottled water? Obviously you don't live here in Adelaide

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MJI
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Re: Online toilet paper lovers? (fixit_f)

You are not supposed to keep it!

I always throw away toilet paper, I am not going to reuse it. It goes in the loo and gets flushed away.

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Re: Tap water IS better than bottled water. At least in civilized countries like Austria....

but bottled water *IS* tap-water.

Only in the USA. In most, if not all, European countries bottled water is almost always spring water. There are a few companies selling the Dasani/Deja Blue type of purified tap water in bottles, but it is very much the exception.

Coke didn't realise that when they introduced Dasani in the UK a few years back. Not only were they ridiculed in the press for selling tap water at 3000x the price Thames Water charged for the same stuff, but a batch was found to contain higher-than-permitted levels of a carcinogen, leading one tabloid to run the headline "Coke withdraws cancer water"

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Stop

That reminds me...

A FaecesBook puppy-fancier commented "I've not used it before but the thought of wiping up with paper covered in butter is a bit off-putting, yet intriguing."

The recollection of stories and rumours from my youth about "butter dogs" (I don't recommend Googling it) popped up on reading that...

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Re: That reminds me...

For me it made me wonder if it was Andrex - Last Tango in Paris edition or something.

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Just wondering

I know puppy fur is particularly soft and I'm wondering if it's suitably absorbent. I've wondered about that ever since I saw Father Jack wipe his nose on a puppy.

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Re: Just wondering

Well someone claims that a swan's neck makes the best bog paper..

www.comedy.co.uk/guide/tv/qi/episodes/7/2/

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Holmes

Re: Just wondering

Sir Thomas Urquhart recommended in 1653 "the neck of a goose, that is well downed".

Safety hint: If you are planning to use the neck of either a goose or a swan, it is essential to remove it from the bird first.

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Re: Just wondering

fumaga.com/6311

Official NHS issue work bog roll.

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Re: Goose or swan

Stick to goose; swan is illegal in the UK, them belonging to the queen and all that.

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Re: Just wondering

Don't forget that bears find rabbit fur very effective, according to the old joke.

And now, thanks to John Lewis, we know that the rabbit gets its revenge by planting an alarm clock in the bear's hibernation den...

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Re: Just wondering

@Dr Dre: © Viz Comic

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Stop

Priorities

Its not the iconography of the puppies that worries me, its the increasing size of the cardboard inner which riles me; the rolls look the same from the outside, but you get less for your money. Bar stewards.

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cross-cultural comparisons

ElNumbre, what is the standard diameter of a cardboard insert there, and what diameter are the farghin’ bastadges now trying to foist upon an unsuspecting public?

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Mere tissue of a story

How do you do it, el Reg? I read it, and enjoyed shaking my head at various points.

And yet...... this 'story' ..... if it merits the term, is concocted around a thing that a few strange people thought was going to happen, but it wasn't. To most of us, it wasn't even a very important thing, and one of the head shakes came as a result of learning the thoughts of some to whom it was apparently very important. Or would have been, if it had been going to happen.

The headline promised dead puppies. Or at least one, threatened, or bumped off by a heartless corporation. To demand my pound of puppy flesh would be very, very wrong. Yet, surely there has to be some correspondence between the headline and the facts of the case?

And another thing. Am I alone in suspecting the whole thing is a marketing ploy? Designed to get the playgrounds of England abuzz , like it was when we all had to work so hard to save Tony the Tiger. Or was it the tiger in our tanks? I can't bloody remember.

So some arsehole runs software which harvests all the mentions of puppies and toilet paper on the interweb post 'story', converts that into an advertising value, generates a report which goes to an executive, who smiles.

Our only weapon is to make sure we wipe our arses on something else, and I resent having to take time to think about that.

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Re: Mere tissue of a story

... then your finger went through.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Mere tissue of a story

Not only was it not a story, it had nothing whatever to do with IT except that most IT people take dumps. If that's the criterion for a story now, the Reg has lost its way a bit.

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Re: Mere tissue of a story

Looking at the staff writers remaining, then I think that your last statement is probably true.

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Re: Mere tissue of a story

"The headline promised dead puppies. Or at least one, threatened, or bumped off by a heartless corporation."

What we need is for someone to do the decent thing...

...and make a spoof Andrex advert, in which said Puppy is bounding around, and follows an unraveled loo-roll back to its source. That source, of course, is the roll on the wall next to the loo.

The puppy jumps up onto the seat to get at the roll but, being a cute ickle puppy-wuppy who can't actually see over the rim, doesn't realise there's a big hole there designed for human arses to hang above, and it falls into the loo, where it then drowns.

If the flush can be pulled while the puppy drowns, without it being utterly implausible, bonus points are available.

Note: No cute ickle puppy-wuppies must be harmed in the making of this spoof advert.

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Re: Mere tissue of a story

most take dumps? er, what do the others do then?

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Re: Mere tissue of a story

"Not only was it not a story, it had nothing whatever to do with IT except that most IT people take dumps. If that's the criterion for a story now, the Reg has lost its way a bit."

Lost its way? Certainly. Back in the day you'd have had the Moderatrix explaining the meaning of the word "Bootnotes" with a verbal clue-by-four and the rest of us laughing and ducking for cover.

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Re: Mere tissue of a story

"most take dumps? er, what do the others do then?"

They are in management.

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Trollface

I'll shit on your beloved brand.

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Trollface

Nobody complained...

... when their G+ page changed weeks ago though.

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Trollface

Re: Nobody complained...

Is that a surprise? No one actually uses G+ after all...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Nobody complained...

Only for talking about Ingress.

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PETA

Where is PETA when you need them....

Puppy Eradication Troubles Arseholes

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Mushroom

NOT NEWS

Marketing dept. invents scandal, generously astroturfed 'outrage' ensues, press release on the wire within hours.

I expect better from El Reg.

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