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back to article Shouldn't we have self calibrating Y-fronts and smart bog roll by now?

Regular readers of this column, those of you who have have suspiciously too much time on their hands on a Friday afternoon will be aware that I am a IT fraud. Compooters are kinda fun and my second-favourite idea for a perfect Sunday afternoon might involve a bit of screwdriver surgery on a troublesome device, but I don't really …

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Anonymous Coward

How to inlflate JCB Tyres....

Mr Dabbs you are a genius !!!

To answer your concerns... inflating a JCB tyre gracefully in less than 30 seconds is actually quite simple and does not require any deep understanding of continuum physics but only of british zoology.

You only need a politician - or second best a Shoreditch startup marketer - as these are the only two local species known to exhale more than 300 gallons of hot air per second as part of their normal physiological processes.

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Re: How to inlflate JCB Tyres....

Hot air? That's no good. Once all the excitement is done with and the politico has gone home the tyre will collapse faster than politician's promise in the face of cold reality.

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Blimey, you look like Spud out of the Trainspotting film with those glasses on ...

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Coffee/keyboard

Your leisure, is my pleasure

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Scary

The Furby story happened to me this week... the kids had dug it up to play with and left it in the living room. I didn't notice. The missus is out of town, so around 11pm I sat down to rewatch Blair Witch. Out of nowhere the little yellow bugger woke up in it's "evil" persona (if you have a Furby, you'll know what I mean). I nearly shat myself.

Still, it could have been worse. I could have been watching Child's Play.

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Re: Scary

I honestly didn't know Evil Furbys were an actual thing. Now I've googled it and am very glad that the Child Process is too old to want one. Jesus fucking christ, kids toys with severe personality disorders as a USP! Fuck that!

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They might have some advanced capabilities

Dabbsy you look quite fetching in those frames.. though they do remind me of peril sensitive sunglass.

Perhaps you could test them by crossing a busy street without the light.

They might actually have some tech function after all!

PS And nice to see a post from you! I was starting to worry.

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Re: They might have some advanced capabilities

Yes, I was fretting when I didn't see the column at noon. I emailed my editor twice to ask if it had been spiked (it would not be the first time).

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Inflating tyres

Some inflammable spray and a lighter a la Top Gear style..........

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Que???

You write in idiomatic english, so why the hell are you a member of the IEEE? the IET has much plusher doo's doncherknow?

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Re: Que???

I like the university vibe at IEEE. Everyone is either a student or a professor. Besides, the IET would deem me unqualified.

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IET.........

Do they make you go home?

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Re: IET.........

iET - lets you phone home. If you hold it the right way.

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Anonymous Coward

The water closet doesn't get enough development. I'm sure they could clean themselves and have some sort of spray to get rid of the smell. Just pour scent into a scent reservoir and cleaning solution into another reservoir.

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Re: The water closet doesn't get enough development

Funny we should be talking about the IEEE and smart toilets...

http://spectrum.ieee.org/slideshow/geek-life/tools-toys/bowled-over-by-toilet-technology

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If you think the loo isn't sufficiently complicated or open-to-malicious-hacking, install a japanese toilet.

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Paris Hilton

"unique sound of your farts"

THAT'S why they always know it's me! I never knew!

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Seriously though...

The lights at work are controlled through some sort of building control system instead of being wired directly to the bulbs, and they're pushbuttons instead of switches. This is because we're an insanely modern computer technology company!

You've got to hold them sometimes for up to a minute for them to change state.

Why? Because being Oracle, we bought a cheap-ass system that can't poll that many devices that often, so it takes a long time for it to go "oh you want the lights on, yeah?"

Plus there was the instant lights-out at 5pm. "Oh it's not supposed to do that, it's got a motion sensor"

"A motion sensor that can see me in my cube?"

"Oh errr...."

So the lights go out, you get up to turn them on, and you get *almost* to the switch before it finally notices the sensor, and they go on. Nice work, guys!

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Facepalm

Auto-flushing urinals: Awesome. Auto-flushing toilets: The worst.

From the era of motion sensors, we have motion sensors attached to flushing mechanisms. It's nice not having to touch a dirty handle, though arguably a no-water urinal would be more environmentally conscious. It's funny, though, that the no-water urinals are out of service a lot more often than the conventional urinals.

But automatically flushing toilets are horrible. I squat forwards so I can reach my hand underneath, and the next thing I know, there's a bit of mist and my toilet seat cover is gone. Fortunately, I've been doing Yoga, or else I would have to sit back down on the now-exposed and undoubtedly contaminated toilet seat.

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Trollface

Nice to see "Spud" from "Trainspotting"

has got himself a real job.

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bed

Motion detectors

The refurbished block had them in the loos.

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Ah, the internet of things...

People often get it wrong. They think things will be wired to make their lives easier and provide nifty new functions. No. The point of internet of things is to get more salespoints. Your coffee machine will tell you there's a sale on Gevalia Jamaica Blue, your car will offer to buy and download the Justin Timberlake song you just heard on the radio, and your toilet will inform you that haemorrhoid ointment is just £4.99 this week.

The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

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