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back to article Sony patents LASER-FIRING Wi-Fi SMARTWIG with sideburn buttons

Sony has been granted a patent for something it's pleased to call a “SmartWig”. The device is no mere thought bubble. The patent says: “The proposed wearable computing device has been demonstrated several times in internal meetings of the applicant.” The full description of the device suggests it is a “Wearable computing device …

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Bronze badge

Expect

Toupée a lot.

SmartWig eh? does it come in Blonde?

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

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Re: Expect

Toupee or not toupee. That is the syrup!

At last I have an excuse to wear a wig and not be accused of vanity (and looking like a right plank).

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WTF?

And you can voice-control it by saying ....

"Okay Toupee" ...

But I'm really waiting for the inevitable "Smart Merkin"

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Re: And you can voice-control it by saying ....

If you're using it to control your TV, it's a case of ...

Toupée per View.

OK, I know it's a bad joke. No need to wig out. Keep your hair on - humour is the only sane response to such rampant folly(cles).

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Sony have to think more laterally (or at least further down)

Every day we hear that Apple is not innovating enough. This patent proves that Sony is not either. On the surface, they seem to have a very groundbreaking product, but I say they have not thought laterally enough.

Thus, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you (drumroll please):

The Sony Xperia eMerkin (4G edition)!

Sony says: "the user can control the presentation slides simply by natural behavior like touching side burns".

What rubbish! That would just look stupid. My Xperia eMerkin's controls would merely require you to activate the interface 'down there' with a subtle caress or firm jab, whatever takes your fancy.

[Note 1: The manufacturer is not liable for legal issues that arise from publicly interacting with the Xperia eMerkin due to specific laws in your jurisdiction].

Sony says: "signals would come from actuators or the vibration motors used in mobile phones placed close to the skin".

Again, I think the Xperia eMerkin has it all over the so-called 'Smart Wig'. The positioning of the eMerkin makes it ideal for haptic feedback to the user.

Sony says: "additionally, the wearable computing device may comprise a laser pointer that is arranged in or on the wig".

And once more, the Xperia eMerkin takes the 'Smart Wig' concept and amps it up 11 notches. Imagine your next PowerPoint presentation, enlivened with a laser pointer that is guided by the expert thrusts of your hips. And imagine the surprise on your lover's face as they unzip your pantaloons and find that perhaps, yes, the sun really does shine out of your nether regions.

[Note 2: The manufacturer is not liable for blindness caused to either the user of their intimate partner(s)...oh who are we kidding, eMerkin owners would be highly unlikely to have intimate partner(s)! But legal asked us to put this in anyways].

You see Sony, this is what happens when you think outside the box.

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Silver badge

It'll be just fine

Until my hats won't fit!

"Sorry, only Sony approved headware is compatible with the Sony Smart Rug. Please contact us for a list of Sony compatible chapeaus."

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Terminator

Does it come in shark size?

Fortunately, I don't think their fins can reach their sideburns to fire the frickin' laser beams,

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Re: Does it come in shark size?

Frickin' Terry Wogans with frickin' lasers in their frickin' wigs !

ROBOWOGAN KILL !!!!

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Anonymous Coward

Are Sony trolling the patent office? This seems just too bizarre, even for the Japanese

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Silver badge
Headmaster

"Are Sony just trolling the patent office?"

No, they appear to doing something that, in the current climate, is seriously radical - supporting a patent application with a working prototype. Unheard of!

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Facepalm

I see this is going to be a slow century for proper invention

Bring back Leonardo da Vinci!

Please.

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Pirate

Can I get one-

With a bluetooth Cybertash?

Or better yet- a Bluebeard!

Yarr- because...

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Prior art

Looks like a SQUID from /Stange Days/ ...

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Joke

I'm more concerned about...

...the optional touch pad accessory being built in to jockey shorts.

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Silver badge

Perfect excuse

At last a Reg story that let's me quote from Call of the Wighat by The Cramps:

Well my granny jumping catfish, do the limbo on my face

But no one seems to notice when my wighat is in place

My wighat lifts me higher than I’ve ever been before

You can go buy yours at a better wighat store

Just ask for who, who, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo who

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M7S
Bronze badge
Facepalm

Trouble with the mouse buttons Mr. User?

No sir, no need to take it off for me to have a look, let me just try to activate those buttons a few times. I'll have to press them quite hard. Really really hard.

Icon, well from so many perspectives really

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Silver badge

I am really struggling to think of the target market for this.

It's aimed at bald-headed men who need to unobtrusively activate remote devices. So far, all I have come up with is - Bond-movie villains.

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Paris Hilton

Hair brained scheme

Maybe it uses Caps Lock.

The're making some pretty bald statements there.

This is fringe technology at its best.

I suppose they could uses extensions when they want to upgrade.

I hope the price will be a snip, I don't want to be scalped.

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Go

so you hit your head harder when your presentation's not working

might be an improvement on the entertainment value of some presentations.

Hair's to one from Sony, but you can bet that it will only work with the most recent Sony products.

But seriously, a wig? A pointer works well. Now, if it were a google glass knock off where you can activate parts of a presentation by looking at it, that might actually add value. It's a stretch to say might even here though.

Oh the fun of watching people look right/left really fast to 'swipe' to the next slide and inexitably jerking their head

Icon: because, well, this is nonsense

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Silver badge

It's a good thing Paul Daniels no longer wears a syrup

This would have taken all of the mystique out of his act - to the extent that it had any, of course

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WTF?

Can I just say....

... What The Everlasting Holy FUCK???

Who in the name of sanity would ever want to use one of these things?!

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Silver badge

Name for a science fiction Toupée

The 'Kirk'

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Techno-Toupée

i-Wig

Weaponised Cyber-Rug

Cannot believe a patent was granted for this btw.

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I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while.

And the bits quoted in the article are on the normal side compared to some others:

A further interesting approach could be combining artificial muscles and the wig. Artificial muscles look like hair, so it is useful for hair extensions and fake moustaches. If a user is excited, the hair dynamically changes.

The presented wearable computing device may contain sensors like a camera and an electric compass, so the user can retrieve such information and know whether the wig is in the right place or not, i.e. whether the wig is correctly mounted on the head or not.

and of course, we can't miss 'wig-to-wig communication':

Moreover, if another user wears a similar wearable computing device 10 as proposed according to this disclosure, a wig-to-wig communication is possible as this is known from other touch systems. If one user touches one of his/her vibration motors 28a-f, the other users equivalent motor may vibrate

My mind is well and truly boggled.

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mixup?

Did someone accidentally get a technology article and a report on some future Doctor Who villainous prop mixed together?

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