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back to article Reg readers! You've got 100 MILLION QUID - what would you BLOW it on?

Telecoms regulator Ofcom is drawing up its plans for 2014/15, and is looking for suggestions about how it might direct its considerable resources during the period. Last year, those resources ran up a bill a shade over a hundred million pounds, some of which comes from radio spectrum licensing and fines but most of it came from …

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Simple:

My own secret underground base complete with monorail and personal ninja army.

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Re: Simple:

While a fantastic idea, would 100 mil be enough for even the underground base (never mind the monorail+ninjas!)

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Re: Simple:

I have a problem with the ninja outfit. My personal army would be required to wear something more flattering.

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Re: Simple:

Would your particular lair be populated by Benny Hill nurses and that theme tune piped in?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Simple:

Lock myself in a Bangkok brothel with 100 ladies of leisure and sh*g my way through the money.

If I survive the physical exhaustion then so be it, if I die it will be with a smile on my face and Rigor Mortice in my regions that will keep them happy for another few days.

Hell, those ladies will remember me for the rest of their lives they will want to retire.

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Happy

Re: Simple:

Fools. You don't pay for the monorail or the underground base or anything other than the ninjas. They get the other things for you. It says so in their contract. There's a lesson there: Invest in people first! Take care of them and they'll bring you the world on whatever kind of platter you like.

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Re: Simple:

The problem with a ninja outfit is that everyone knows you are a ninja. (I once had a girlfriend who claimed to be studying ninjutsu: the outfit is apparently from Japanese theatre.)

There's enough there for a tropical island, but, even with the internet, there are so many more options with a London flat.

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Re: Simple:

If you are an effective ninja you can wear whatever you like. Nobody can see you anyway, you're invisible.

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Re: Simple:

Wouldn't invisible ninjas in combination with a monorail lead to a large number of industrial accidents ?

Evil super-villian workplace safety regulations would require your ninjas to wear hi-vis jackets

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Re: Simple:

I suppose you're right... Sigh... Foiled. Again.

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I'd treat my best mate Moktu to a slap-up dinner and some serious Friday pints if I were Ofcom.

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Joke

A Solid Gold House

and a rocket car.

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Two options

1: Give it back to the taxpayer

2 Get the lawyers onto the mobile companies and force them to remove the paywall blocking landlines and SIP providers making cheap calls to mobile (i.e. there is a mobile provider cartel in operation).

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museum ship

As we, the Australians, the Canadians, Argentinians, etc scrapped all of ours, any chance of buying the Colossus-class aircraft carrier HMS Hercules back from India.

I read that despite intending to save it as a museum ship they are going to scrap her.

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Unhappy

Re: museum ship

You know what the biggest expense is with museum ships? Harbor space. Most places that have deep enough harbors to float a large ship ascribe a lot of value to that space for commercial shipping.

Finding outdated port areas that have been converted into safe public space is difficult to do. Find an affordable spot to park old ships and you can buy them for a song. Without that affordable space the harbor fees alone probably exceed any funds raised by admission. There are ships aplenty, but not much in the way of parking, unfortunately.

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Sack the lot of them

> Ofcom is ... looking for suggestions about how it might direct its considerable resources

Hmmm, £100 Mil.

Well, they've got all the policies they need to give us an excellent communications structure, they're just absolutely useless at implementing and enforcing them. So how about sacking all of its existing management and replacing them with effective individuals, instead?

I'm sure the redundancy payments (even at the civil service's vastly inflated, self-serving rates) wouldn't consume all the money. Even if it did, it would be money well spent.

With the remainder they could buy a dictionary, so they could look up the real meaning of the word "unlimiited".

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Sack the lot of them

"I'm sure the redundancy payments (even at the civil service's vastly inflated, self-serving rates) wouldn't consume all the money. Even if it did, it would be money well spent."

What redundancy payments? If you're sacking them because they are useless, that's not redundancy, that's sacking them for a perfectly understandable reason. If anything, those who are removed because they are useless should be handing back the pay they've had while being useless?

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Boobs...

....and if you need to ask why I'm not talking to you...

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Re: Boobs...

Yeah, but if you charge them to your American Express card then you don't actually need to pay for them.

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Enforcement

1) How about an effective system of fining the scum who phone up even when you're registered with TPS?

2) get land line operators to insist on Caller ID for international calls

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Re: Enforcement

Upvoted, but i'd take it further still.

How about a general "Become effective at what you're actually supposed to be doing?"

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Re: Enforcement

I( am not 100% sure that the TPS are adequately maintaining their database.

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Baldrick inspired

A large turnip

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Re: Baldrick inspired

I'd sell you two for that price...

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Re: Baldrick inspired

Ten turnips and, as I like you, a FREE leek.

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@ Frederic Bloggs

"Ten turnips and, as I like you, a FREE leek."

Big friggin' deal. Where *I* am, anyone can take a leek for free.

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Pint

Rock club

Big space (warehouse?), massive fully sprung ballroom grade floor, bars right along one wall, 15 metre ceiling for good sound, DJ booth at one end (ones who don't talk), side rooms for rap etc. and a good chippy outside.

Oh, and mini buses so people don't have to drive or pay for taxis.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Rock club

Adequately staffed bars, where their idea of a pint doesn't leave me thinking "if my girlfriend gave me that much head, I'd be a happy man".

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Pint

I don't know...

But first I'd have it changed into £1 coins, delivered, and I'd run barefoot through it, romp naked in it, and then decide;- having engaged the sleaziest of beancounters (who else) to enable me to keep as much of it as I could away from the larcenous sticky-fingered bar stewards at HMRC...

Beer? - well it wouldn't be in short supply any more...

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Anonymous Coward

How about broadband for those that most need it, rather than the most profitable locations.

As right now, the money seems to be pissed away in areas that already have ample broadband options.

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Jet packs...

Oh, how about a transgender operation for itself - so it has some Balls? Or a reverse invertebratamy, so its a has a spine. I am sure there are many others.

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Like most posters

http://www.firebox.com/product/4893/Project-Utopia

Tank full of sharks, fricken laser head mounts as standard

http://www.firebox.com/product/5440/World-rsquos-Most-Expensive-Vacuum-Cleaner

http://www.firebox.com/product/5435/Hoverwing-Flying-Hovercraft?via=related

http://www.firebox.com/product/4907/Electric-DeLorean-DMCEV?via=related

And a big fridge - any change to be stored as bullion

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Mushroom

Tea and Sandwich Lady

This used to be Bacon Sandwich Friday, I demand the money be spent on that!

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MJI
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OK here goes

Buy back the 4G space for digital TV in the form of extra HD channels

Use rest to bribe government to introduce the death sentence for marketing people who insist TV channels have on screen logos.

Even bloody shITV does it now, and I already watch anything on C4 is SD rather than suffer the HD logo.

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Anonymous Coward

Hookers and Blow

Next question.

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Hit squad

Ban powerline networking equipment, and engage roaming black ops hit squad to locate and remove it with extreme prejudice, then once they have done that send them round to the ISP's to have a word about the usage of the word unlimited, with even more prejudice. If time allows send them on a jolly to India to sort out the sales calls, but that could also be done with cruise missiles.

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Re: Hit squad

Absolfeckinglutely.

And while they are sorting out powerline interference, sort out other interference sources as well. TV signal round here has been going mental over the last few days, dropping and and wrecking the freeview reception. Someone is interfering, and I don't know how to find out who (might even be me!). Anyone know how I report this?

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buy

a paperclip through government procurement channels.

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Magic mushrooms

And a BIll Hicks marathon.

I didn't read the article. I just like the sound of blowing £100 on drugs.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Magic mushrooms

Change it for Bitcoin and have a look at the Silk Road.

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Re: Magic mushrooms

Buy an acre of pasture and two cows. Then you'll have magic shrooms forever. Plus milk.

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Bestie

Booze, women and fast cars.

The rest I'd just squander.

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Doesn't matter what you WANT to spend it on

Most of the money would end up in the hands of lawyers, consultants, bureaucrats, quangos, politicians, tax men and the like. So might as well have a nice bonfire and burn it.

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Megaphone

How about a regulator who does!

How about paying for a regulator who actually protects the radio spectrum and does its Market Surveillance job by removing non-EMC-compliant junk from the market-place before an un-suspecting public waste their hard earned money on it?! The current crop of self-serving civil servants that infest Riverside Towers are clearly not up to the job, so sack the lot of them, re-light the bonfire and start afresh with skilled engineers, technicians, and lawyers who are not frightened of the EU!

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Archive the internet

on a continual basis, to a secure underground facility in the Antarctic, kitted out with storage media guaranteed to last 1,000 years. Gotta preserve those cat videos.

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Re: Archive the internet

Guarded by sharks with frickin' lasers.

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Pah 100 million

If I had 100 billion I would have Antarctica sawn off at the bottom and towed into the Pacific ocean. All the ice would melt and the seas would rise, wiping out Manhattan, coastal China and low-lying European states economically crippling the only powers that could take me on. I would then build my clone army and start kidnapping scientists to build my laser shield and shark mounted laser technology. While they're at it, some late Cretaceous land/sea animals wouldn't go amiss.

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Angel

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy

What to do with £100M you ask!

Easy-as: Pay off the BBC management (should be good to cover 5-6 of them) and don't replace.

Then lower TV license fees to 1994 levels.

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Doing their job would be a start

Some investigation and enforcement actions against unlicensed transmissions would be good. Let's start with power-line networking.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Doing their job would be a start

yes, but with sharks with lasers?

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