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back to article Massively leaked iFail 5S POUNDS pundits, EXCITES chavs

If it was tedious putting up with the prelaunch hype, it was at least entertaining this week to watch so many commentators backtrack on the cobblers they’d been serving up just hours before the event. I’m talking about the iPhone 5S/iPhone 5C launch, of course. Everyone else has expressed an opinion these past couple of days, so …

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Anonymous Coward

Iphone 5 (_S_ame as before)

Iphone 5C - Teletubby edition #tellytubbyiphone

If people wanted plastic phones, surely they'd have bought a samsung by now?

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Facepalm

Its "unexpectedly" shit?

Like the iPad mini, Maps and cloning Android for iOS7 didn't signal this downward spiral a mile away?

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"If people wanted plastic phones, surely they'd have bought a samsung by now?"

Naw...Galaxy phones don't appeal to three year olds.

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Anonymous Coward

Samsung rocks! And they don't come in pukey colors!

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Anonymous Coward

The best thing about that video is how accurate it actually is considering it was released before the 5S and 5C were officially announced.

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Thumb Up

"Apple engineers that they temporarily went a bit hatstand and turned the iMac into an angle-poise lamp for a short while."

Genuine LOL

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I liked the iMac angle-poise lamp*. Much better looking than any computer that came before or after. Looked like it belonged in a space ship, plus you could turn the monitor around to see stuff in portrait. The fat monitor that came after was ugly.

*Couldn't afford one at the time tho.

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Hatstand

A much underused and underappreciated adjective, and one that I will endeavour to use more in future...

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The advert for it was amusing - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHqVLhpAjkg

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Coat

Re: Hatstand

Great word, isn't it. As an alternative, you could use the Dimwell Street expression "cup and plate", as in

"He is a bit cup-and-plate in the head" (attributed to senior postman Groat)

Mine is the one with "Going Postal" in the pocket

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Sadly no. You could not rotate the screen to portrait.

When I saw Jobs presenting it I merely thought he had omitted the feature. It was so obvious..

When the machine arrived at the local Mac store, I immediately raced down to verify my theory that you could rotate it.

Very missed opportunity.

Did Apple actually engineer prototypes that could do this? If they did itout would have introduced another failure mode into the machine.

Anybody know?

And yes, I agree; this was the best desktop design ever! The computer adjusted to you, not the other way around.

Upvote.

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Re: Hatstand/cup-and-plate

hmmm

Pratchett vs Vis...

given the 'fuckwit' that appeared elsewhere i suspect our author is of the Viz generation.

and anyway whats wrong with millenium hand and shrimp

buggrit

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Sadly no. You could not rotate the screen to portrait.

aww, I always thought they did. Must have just dreamt it.

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Coffee/keyboard

"Let’s get this straight: the iPhone 5S is possibly a fun place to be if you’re an electron..."

You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

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>> You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

Ah, the compensation culture. Another shocking indictment of Thatcher's Britain. Or something.

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Re: >> You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

In that case: me too please

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Anglepoise?

I thought it was a Christmas pudding.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: >> You, sir, owe me a new keyboard.

Ah, the compensation culture. Another shocking indictment of Thatcher's Britain. Or something.

Careful Alistair - you've obviously spent too much time on the Daily Mail *and* Guardian websites.

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JDX
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No need for revolution

If you have a good product, gradual refinements are just fine. iP5 already nailed the design side of things and has all the features most people - or at least Apple customers - want. So up the spec and what else is needed? It's a sleek little box with a powerful CPU/GPU inside, arguably the most powerful on the market (this month).

Look at the Porsche 911. It's not to everybody's taste but it keeps on selling.

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Re: No need for revolution

Which I agree with, the problem is Apple make such a song and dance about the release of a modest update. If they'd just put out a press release or mentioned it along with some other stuff that would be fine but having a massive presentation that can be summed up as 'buy a faster one or a hideous plastic one' and youopen yourself up to ridicule, or at least mildly biting sarcasm.

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Re: No need for revolution

While I agree with you that small improvements to a mature product is a sensible development approach the fact of the matter is that, in tech circles, especially the smart device market, purchase cycles are fairly short lived (as opposed to the cycle of buying a new performance car). Generally the duration of an airtime contract. This generates an artificial obsolesence cycle for otherwise perfectly good product and Apple have been the masters at exploiting this. Sell on a 2 year contract and release a new shiny each year so that you are always only ever a year ahead of your peers and then a year behind, driving you to get the latest again come contract time.

Apple, under Jobs, were great at bringing out something every year that they could at least sell to the press and the faithful as "revolutionary". They have set the expectations on launch day very high and (as you point out, quite naturally) are simply not hitting those highs any more. Now *that* has become the story.

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Re: No need for revolution

It is not Apple who make a song and dance of it, it is the media the over do that for them. As far as iPhone 5S/C are concerned they are welcome new additions. Good thing is they [Apple] don't overload the devices with endless features that are unusable or difficult for the average user to understand. I like technology, but at the same time I don't want a phone that consumes my time because the UI has been badly designed with a feature set that has been thrown together without thinking about usability.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: No need for revolution

Look at the Porsche 911. It's not to everybody's taste but it keeps on selling.

And don't Porsche even have a "911C" ... i.e. the Boxster - the car that TopGear describes as saying "I really really want a 911 but I can't afford one so this will have to do instead"

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Re: No need for revolution

It is not Apple who make a song and dance of it, it is the media the over do that for them.

Why not both?

Apple crafts colorful but hollow events to try and pass incremental improvements and pointless gimmicks as "revolutionary", and wide-eyed "journalists" (to misuse a term) happily fall for it.

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Re: No need for revolution

Look at the Porsche 911. It's not to everybody's taste but it keeps on selling.

Well there's a small difference, the Porsche is instantly recognizable while the iPhone looks much like every other phone (besides being oddly tall and thin).

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Re: No need for revolution

You do realise that it happened the other way around, don't you?

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Re: No need for revolution

When was the last time Apple described anything as revolutionary at an iPhone launch?

On a two year contract cycle, the only people seeing the 5S as an upgrade option have an iPhone 4S or something from the android stable two years ago, both of which will be tired by now.

The 5S is a fine upgrade option for anyone who has a two year old phone who is interested in an iPhone. I can't understand what all the fuss is about.

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Re: No need for revolution

Not Apple perhaps who overdo the tiniest innovation but 'the media'. Yes certainly, the tech journalists that suck at Apple's well-lubricated PR organs. And who pays for those organs? Well Apple of course.

Apple is all about PR, slipped out, leaked, exclusively revealed, prototypes 'accidentally' left in a bar in Frisco, 'we don't comment on unreleased products' etc. etc. None of this is accidental. Apple wants you to think 'the media' are excited, but in fact it's just journalists that have to file N stories before knocking off, and no time to fact-check or be critical.

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Re: No need for revolution

"When was the last time Apple described anything as revolutionary at an iPhone launch?"

Ahem...

Phone 5s customers have access to the revolutionary App Store

Apple leads the digital music revolution with its iPods and iTunes online store

Apple has reinvented the mobile phone with its revolutionary iPhone and App Store

http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/10Apple-Announces-iPhone-5s-The-Most-Forward-Thinking-Smartphone-in-the-World.html

.

So I make that a few days ago.

.

To be fair it seems they do stick in pretty much every press release.

http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/10iOS-7-With-Completely-Redesigned-User-Interface-Great-New-Features-Available-September-18.html

http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/10NTT-DOCOMO-Apple-Team-Up-to-Offer-iPhone-in-Japan-on-Friday-September-20.html

http://www.apple.com/pr/library/2013/09/12Burberry-Uses-iPhone-5s-to-Capture-Spring-Summer-2014-Runway-Show.html

and on and on and on and on and......

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Re: No need for revolution

Hmm. I have an iPhone 5, free (as in beer) from my employer. Prior to that I had a similarly free 3GS.

I think the 5 is a pretty substantial upgrade. The already good camera now sports a by cunning dual flash system which no one else seems to have thought of. An iPhone is a very competent pocket camera these days, and even better now with substantial upgrades to the internals of the camera kit as well. For lots of people which actually take photos of things other than their cat, this will be a welcome addition and many of the aforementioned currently holding a 3GS,4 or 4S will be tempted to move up. Mybe even some with 5s.

The CPU/GPU is just faster with no apparent loss of battery life.

The fingerprint thingy which apparently "just works" is cool and very forward looking. Apple seem to have the technology in place and the complex and expensive manufacturing as well to solve this feature (yes I know they bough some company for the basic tech)

The motion thingy might be an interesting development and at least 1 other manufacturer has their own version of it as well. The idea seems not to be seminal, but Apple is at the forefront here.

iOS 7 is available for the 4, so it is no the compelling upgrade reason. I happen to like it, YMMV.

The is more in there, but this is enough for me to rate the 5S as a very competent and solid upgrade from the 5. The geeks already hate Apple products, so why should the st of the world care what they think or say?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: No need for revolution

The design problem with the Porsche 911 is that the engine is in the back - but not exactly for the reason you think. When you spin your latest replacement Porsche 911 off the road and crash backwards into an oak tree, the entire drive-train is destroyed. The salvage yards are full of perfect 911 front clips, but the engines and transmissions are all smashed to bits.

A Ford Mustang GT is much better in this regard. When they spin off the road and crash backwards into an oak tree, the impact to the valuable drive-train components is cushioned by the bodies of the drunk occupants. So replacement "5.0" (sic, 4.9 actually) engines and transmissions are readily available in the salvage yards.

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Re: No need for revolution

A good analogy, but the $172,100 2013 Porsche 911 Turbo S Convertible is significantly more expensive than the $60,900 2013 Porsche Boxster S Convertible. The 5C is a fail at its current price. Oh, and it shits me you can no longer get a 4S bigger than 8GB in Oz. Apple's way of saying we don't give a shit you spent money on docking stations for the old connector, or that your car isn't brand new. No I don't want to use an adapter, that blows chunks.

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Re: No need for revolution

What's the antonym of Fanboi? Above I see a perfectly reasonable and well reasoned comment, that outlines the persons preference for a simple UI, yet the comment has as many downvotes as upvotes.

Oh noes! That person isn't slagging apple! They must be a witch! Burn 'er!

Grow up people.

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Anonymous Coward

yawn

Sorry, but, you know... yawn.

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Re: yawn

Upvoted.

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Re: yawn

Proof that yawning is contagious.

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Meh

C & S

I imagined Common and Superior. But whether Common or Cheap, everyone gets the gist and would rather be seen as Superior, Special etc (if they'd like to be seen with an iPhone at all.) So, provided Apple haven't already produced too many C models, this is just a bit of preemptive up selling, no?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: C & S

The market being targeted is Asia. They know their 'C's and 'S's very well.

'C' = "Cheap", of course. Obviously. The 'C' is being used here by Apple as a weapon. Same as the gaudy coloured plastic. Zero people in Asia will be proud to own an iPhone 5C. At best, the three of them that are sold will be tucked away into a discreet black Pu-leather case, never to be seen in public again. Exact opposite of everyone in Asian waving their obviously-expensive giant Phablets around ("Look at me. Look at me.")

'S' = "Social". If you've spent any time in Asia, or in an Asian, you'd know. 'S' is "Social", as in S-Class Mercedes. These will be waved about. Thus they had to be outwardly distinctive from the iPhone 5CHEAP.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: C & S

Even as I write this at the local internet cafe, an Asian girl (I am in Asia after all) is holding a 7" Samsung something or other to her head and speaking into it.

I would post a photo if I had my phone with me, but I do not - sorry dear readers.

She is cute too, except for the aforementioned device bolted to her head.

Now, I have to get back home and into my personal Asian ;)

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Headmaster

Re: C & S ummmmmm

If you've spent any time in Asia, or in an Asian, you'd know.

What was the Asians name and was it a he or a she ???

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Anonymous Coward

yawn is right

Fanboi or not, this article has to be one of the worst examples of some idiot ranting like a depraved dumped prepubescent girl over some moronic band splitting up.

Bye el reg, judging by the incredibly fast deterioration of your quality of writing, you're clearly becoming victims of your own 'success'. Used to be fun, informative, quirky. Now boring and repetitive.

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Re: yawn is right

What do you mean "Bye"? You don't read The Register. If you did, you might have noticed that I have been writing this boring and repetitive column every Friday for the last year and a half.

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Re: yawn is right

this article has to be one of the worst examples of some idiot ranting like a depraved dumped prepubescent girl over some moronic band splitting up

Let me guess, you're one of those analysts, right? :)

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Pint

Re: yawn is right

Bye el reg, judging by the incredibly fast deterioration of your quality of writing, you're clearly becoming victims of your own 'success'. Used to be fun, informative, quirky.

It's Friday. Have a pint, mate, and chill the feck off.

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Re: yawn is right

"I cared so little for this article, I immediately had to spew forth my opinion into the comments section."

Bye then, AC. Missin' ya already.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: yawn is right

Must be a different moderator here. They modded my ass in another thread and I was less scathing than you were.

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"By the time I had finished checking to see what effect the inclusion of Jonny’s prose in the Daily Fail would have on the price of my house"

Did it also have an impact on the number of immigrants in the UK!?

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Mushroom

I also heard the C in 5C stands for "cancer".

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Then S stands for "Syria"?

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