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back to article Beat the UK's incoming smut filter: Pre-censor your grumble flicks

Smut-lovers across the UK will be able to beat Cameron's censorship ban and watch grumble movies - as long as they don't mind all the rude bits being cut out. A new website is now offering fully Tory-proof filth by taking pornographic films and then slicing away all the naughty moments, leaving only the appallingly scripted …

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And now

I have something to give to kids to explain what porno is.

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Re: And now

Not really. Sounds like an action film with all the action taken out. A short story with little happening :)

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Re: And now

No, you have something to show them what bad acting is.

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Re: And now

Ah, but when kids are growing up and hearing about porn etc, I can just send them to that site. Then they'll be all. "That's porn? What the hell is all the fuss about?" and never watch it again.

*nods as if he believes anything he's saying*

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h3
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Re: And now

Those Spike TV ones (Think they are called PG Porn) are pretty funny - especially the Alan Tudyk one.

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Coat

And now for something completely different

Sorry, couldn't resist

Mine is the one with Monty's Encyclo Pythonia in the pocket

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Anonymous Coward

I was told

Watching it would make me blind.

30 years later I still have perfect vision, they lied to me.

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Facepalm

Re: And now

Sounds more like what the late, great Bill Hicks described of his experiences of motel porn channels, "It's fantastic! This is porn with all the porn removed! They've taken all the ladies out and what do we get to see? The guy's hairy ass! I went down to reception to pay my bill the next day, the clerk says to me, 'Ah so you're the guy buying all them hairy-bobbing-man-ass films.' "!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I was told

It wasn't the 'watching' that they were worried about, it another action starting with the letter W... that is the problem (apparently).

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Nym

OMG you mean

The Reg isn't porn?

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bzzzt!

From the subheading I thought this was going to be about a futurama style shock collar to dissuade people from watching porn...

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Re: bzzzt!

A zapper won't work as a deterrent. There are entire lines of electo-stim products on the market just for those who enjoy a little extra shock.

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Gimp

Re: bzzzt!

or a lot...

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Joke

Re: bzzzt!

No, a lot goes

>>KZZZEERT<<

According to Simon

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Anonymous Coward

Re: bzzzt!

Oh, I'm sure the fascist UK will develop that next.

Though it'll be tweaked to prevent people from thinking certain things.

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Re: bzzzt!

Well not a zapper, but 'The Zapper' will kill your libido pretty quickly...

Mines the red velour coat with the DOOP patch.

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Coffee/keyboard

@mikejcpt Re: bzzzt!

>electo-stim products

I wonder if David Cameron owns any of those?

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They should have left the sex scenes in but censored the offending areas with the floating heads of Cameron and Clegg. Then dub over the moaning with old Party Political Broadcasts.

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That's the most evil thing I've ever heard...

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Rob
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WTF!!!

Pass me the mind bleach...

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If you want to set up your own site, and edit the films your own way...

... I promise not to visit.

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Happy

@auburnman

Why did I have to choose my tea-break to read your post?

You owe me a box of kleenex...

... to clean up the tea-splatter mess of course - not for for the other thing!

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MJI
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More evil

Add the Milliband as well

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Re: More evil

Makes sense: Cameron for c**ts, Clegg for c**ks and Millband for t*ts. And Gordon Brown for Ar**holes.

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Devil

Re: More evil - possibly crossing the line....

Teemager: Is this how a coalition is made?

Father: Probably...

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Trollface

Re: More evil - possibly crossing the line....

To be fair - I'm not sure any porno in all of history has ever shown a clusterf**k as big as the current coalition...

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I'm sure there was something called "Wanking Dangerously" on Tvgohome (Either the website or the book) which was a hardcore porn film randomly cut with an interview with Ann Widdecombe

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Unhappy

Re: Wanking Dangerously

Now THAT is Evil.

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Anonymous Coward

Would that be 'Lemon Party Political Broadcasts' ?

I think I'm going to go vomit now...

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Reminds me of the 80's

Reminds me of my student days when I worked in a video library in the evenings, the top row of adult movies where seriously crap, featuring titles such as "Waves of Lust", these movies were simply taped from German satellite channels with all the interesting parts edited out, some even had the channel logos.

Nowadays I think these films would sail through with a 15 certificate

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What di they do with the cuttings ?

Is there a site with just the bits they cut out ?

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Re: What di they do with the cuttings ?

I think its called RedTube.

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Re: I think its called RedTube.

You can get some ointment for that

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Joke

Thank you Mr Cameron!

Now we don't have to be corrupted by the eeeevilll porn and we can just enjoy the intelligent dialogue, magnificent acting and wonderful music without all the disgusting sex spoiling the fun!

(Icon because Cameron's ideas are a complete joke)

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I already pre-censor everything I watch...

I read the title.

Don't need no further help thanks.

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Trollface

Well

It seems like the sneakernet is in for a revival if ever this scheme goes through.

Pron prevails !

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Puritanical Britain

Queen Victoria must be rocking and a rolling to the sound of Rule Britania.

It's ironic really because there appears to be a fair bit of Brit produced porn on the web these days. The porn industry is a generator of big bucks, therefore tax dollars, Cameron is cutting his throat to spite his face.

What's the betting that TOR client usage will increase in Britain within the coming months/years.

You can smoke until your lungs collapse, drink until your liver fails but you can't have a wank........Gotta love the British laws.

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Rob
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Re: Puritanical Britain

And that's only because the government haven't figured out a way to tax wanking, plus it would be double standards, the wankers we call politicians try to pay as little tax as possible.

(Apologies for using the same icon again, but it's the only one that describes the how the world is slowly unravelling at the seams).

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Re: Puritanical Britain

Yet they expect everyone else like Google, MicroSoft, Amazon et.al to pay over the odds when it comes to Taxation. Cause paying the "right" amount of Tax is to them, not the same thing as paying for the Tax on Morality...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Puritanical Britain

"...because the government haven't figured out a way to tax wanking..."

Proof of which might be their extreme reluctance to tax the wealthy wankers that fund the party.

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Re: Puritanical Britain

If it really is as you say, then I hope they have removed all the ankles too. Don't want anyone to be offended.

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Re: Puritanical Britain

That's horribly. How will they be able to walk without ankles?

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Anonymous Coward

re: cutting his throat

People might pay to watch that

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Anonymous Coward

Re: re: cutting his throat

Wankles?

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In a shocking twist of events

The Digital Playground 2005 film Pirates is still surprisingly watchable.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: In a shocking twist of events

Oddly enough the only movie I have ever bought the merchandise for...

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Anonymous Coward

Oh, I'll tell ya what happens next. It goes like this:

.... *

* the content of the above message has been deleted in accordance with DMCA, local copyright regulations and numerous other laws on decency and political and emotional dissent. Any thoughts in contravention of the above shall result in the termination of the bearer(s) of such thoughts.

Long live the Cameronia! Long live the Dwarves!

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Sad times

I assume the site did its best to edit out all the naughty parts, but unfortunately my corporate "No! No! No!" filter has it pegged as pornography and refuses to let the data through :(

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Anonymous Coward

Political prudery

I recall buying a supposedly legit DVD copy of Shekhar Kapur's "Bandit Queen" in Delhi's Palika Bazaar about 10 years ago. The film was controversial in India in more ways than you can count, and I was surprised to even see a copy - far more surprised to see the DVD also managed to squeeze in 2 other politically iffy movies (names forgotten). A bloody bargain, I thought, what could go wrong? The shoehorning of 3 titles onto a supposedly 2 hour format should have been a clue; the Indian Film censorship board. A graphic, well made movie about an abused lower caste woman turned dacoit (bandit) who was raped by men from an upper caste and went on a heavily armed payback spree, killing 22 villagers in a notorious massacre before ending up in jail after a widely attended ceremonial surrender was always going to give the censors a field day, and by the time they'd finished hacking away at the nudity and upsetting politics, the original 119 minute film was lopped down to about 30 at best, taking the usual "scenes likely to offend national sensibilities" rationale to an ultimate extreme beyond even the Daily Mail's wettest dreams.

I'm sure its an approach the Friends of Dave would recognise and applaud.

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What's the problem?

Nothing has been censored. Nothing has changed.

The last time I visited my ISP's site (TalkTalk) I was asked if I wanted to activate a "child-friendly" filter. I ticked "no".

What is the problem exactly?

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