Sawbones at Canberra Hospital have published an illuminating, if eye-watering, account of how they extracted a 10cm fork from a septuagenarian's penis. According to the report by doctors Krishanth Naidu, Maurice Mulcahy and Amanda Chung, published in the The International Journal of Surgery (PDF, images NSFW), "a 70-year-old man …
Just how desperate do you have to be for a little action to jam a freakin' fork up there?
Doctor should have tattooed a reminder on the gentleman's tackle, 'No Entry!'
The doctor considered the idea of extracting the fork without an anaesthetic but was worried that the patient would enjoy the procedure......
I just measured a fork, approx 28mm wide, 193mm long..... That's a painfully large object to have stuck inside your stomach never mind your penis.
What's next a piece of cactus...
Four candles, or fork handles?
The poor old fella couldn't find anyone to spoon with.
I blame the declining quality of free to air TV in Australia.
...a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including "[...] cocaine...
I heard the slogan "Get some pork on your fork" but this is taking it too far......
Gives new meaining to "A fork in the road".
WTF - Where's The Fork?
Looks like they removed it just in tine..
fork in hell...
What a dick...
Ow. What a forkin dick...
Nothing like variety!
From the article;
a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including "needles, pencils, ball point pens, pen lids, garden wire, copper wire, speaker wire, safety pins, Allen keys), wire-like objects (telephone cables, rubber tubes, feeding tubes, straws, string), toothbrushes, household batteries, light bulbs, marbles, cotton tip swabs, plastic cups, thermometers, plants and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, beans, hay, bamboo sticks, grass leaves), parts of animals (leeches, squirrel tail, snakes, bones), toys, pieces of latex gloves, blue tack, Intrauterine Contraceptive Devices (IUCD), tampons, pessaries, powders (cocaine), fluids (glue, hot wax).
I am assuming all of these 'insertions' have occured in OZ a list of over forty different apparently erotic aids, you have to admire the Diggers for their imagination even if it's use is a little cringe making.
It reminds me of one of the Wilt books by Tom Sharpe but I can't remember which title it was.
Re: Nothing like variety!
From the article;
"a wide array of self-inserted foreign bodies", including ... vegetables (carrot, cucumber) ... parts of animals (leeches, squirrel tail, snakes) ... fluids (glue, hot wax).
The mind boggles.
Icon, well, because.
Re: Nothing like variety!
You're probably thinking of "The Throwback", also by Tom Sharpe. A character in that found himself rolling on a condom that had been greased on the inside with caustic oven cleaner. The police found him using a cheese grater in an attempt to get the swelling to go down.
That's forkin' nuts!!
Admit it, you're jealous that I said it first.....
it wasn't 4 candles....
Auditioning for a bit part on Dr. Who
HTF do you get a cucumber up your todger? Even if it's Tardis like and bigger on the inside than out it still needs to get through the effing hole.
Amongst the list of 'other considerations' from the article....
...thorough evaluation of motivation and psychosocial issues...
Job for life, there....
I just realised...
Have a look at the x-ray again and think about what spatial orientation would be required for it to look like that.
I am clearly getting something very wrong.
kinda gives new meaning
to the phrase "stick a fork in him...he's done".
It's "Holistic", not "Wholistic"
What is the world coming to?
At least he came clean (as it were).
He could have gone for an excuse:
"I'm studying to be a fakir, working my way up to a bed of nails by first sleeping on a bed of cutlery, and I rolled at a bad angle..."
"I was eating steak and wanted to add more sauce, so I already had a knife in one hand and a spoon in the other. I had to put the fork SOMEwhere..."
"I planned to put a knife in my mouth wired to the fork, to test my performance as an electrolyte."
"I wanted to avoid a forced marriage."
"My wife already had a similar problem with a jacket potato, so I was trying to drag it out..."
"Oh my, I've been looking for that all day!"
Fire your headline writer...
...and hire me.
Codger Todger Fork Up
For an x-ray of a 70 year old, his bones look very healthy. Oh... except that one...
"...if you're still reading by this point."
You're kidding, right?
This was almost as good as firsthand.
What else are you supposed to use on the old Meat and Two Veg!?!? Where he went wrong was no use of Gravy...
Having had a ureteroscopy (ie a camera shoved into my bladder) a few months ago, I can't imagine how anyone can get off on this. It just hurts.
"The patient voided well"
Medical speak for "as soon as we unplugged it, it went off like a fire hose."
No bloody wonder. That looks like a mighty full bladder on that X ray.
Re: "The patient voided well"
> No bloody wonder.
I imagine there probably was some. I bet it stung :(
After working out he could practice auto-fellatio he tried to eat use his cock to eat spaghetti...
"...with the handle oriented proximally"
I rather fear the good gentleman may take this as a challenge.
Re. RE. OW!!
I've heard of forkinthehead but never forkinthetodger...
That has GOT to hurt.
Canberra - so good they named it once
The explanation for this otherwise bizarre behaviour is simple and can be found in the old joke:
"We had two children - one is alive, one in Canberra."
Re: Canberra - so good they named it once
Canberra - the name means "the hollow between a woman's breasts". I'm not sure if this fact is in any way relevant to either the story or your post, nevertheless I like to mention it as often as possible.
This is yet another confirmation that I must have led a very sheltered life. I mean, I find it very gruesome that many people shove pins thru their nose or hang a loop on their lip. But shoving something up your todger? Could someone please explain in words of single syllables where on earth would one expect to get sexual pleasure from something like this?
Good job he wasn't trying it with a stanley knife!
Not surprising, really. A few days ago the media was awash with advice from the UK Government that UK women who feared that they were about to be flown back to South Asia for a forced marriage should put a metal spoon down their knickers, so that they would set off the airport metal detectors, and thus be saved by airport authorities.
Clearly, this 70 year old was afraid that he was about to be abducted, flown to South Asia, and forced into marriage.
Hickory Dickory Dock
I shoved a fork up my cock
I can't move it now
after my erection went down
And now I'm at the doc.