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back to article iWatch rumours grow as Apple hires Nike fitness guru Jay Blahnik

Apple has hired a healthy living guru who helped Nike develop the FuelBand fitness bracelet to work on a mystery project for the fruity firm. Jay Blahnik started work at Cupertino earlier this month, according to reports from unofficial Apple blog 9to5Mac. He is likely to have been hired to work on the near-mythical iWatch, …

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I'm taking a leaf out of Jay Blahnik's Book

If you spout enough shit to end users they will believe you #thisstopsmekillingpeople

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Anonymous Coward

But to be fair most of us irked European's, and probably pretty much all The Register reporting staff, sit on our fat arses and have about as much enterprise as ex-soviet school-teachers. This is the News website which says no to news at the weekend ("not in my Job description Guv") and has developed the least of all the news sites on the Interwebs.

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@ Steve Davies 3

OK Steve...time for your two pence.

What's your take on an iWatch? Hmmm. Not sure if it will be available in gold at launch...but sure hope so for your sake.

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Re: @ Steve Davies 3

Ok, You asked for it....

I don't give a rats ass about it.

That good enough for you?

Well, here's the reason for my statement.

I don't wear a watch. I haven't done for more than 30 years. I was given a very expensive watch by my father when I graduated University. It worked for three weeks and then stopped. After being repaired three times and it 'just stopped' again, I gave up wearing a watch for good. Because of that it does not matter to me one jot if Apple or anyone else starts selling a watch. I would not be buying one no matter who it is.

There. Isn't that a better and more rational comment that your's?

Nah probably not given the amount of down voting that I'm going to get for even pretentding to have a good argument/reason.

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Coat

Re: @ Steve Davies 3 Expensive watch

You did remember to wind it up?

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JDX
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Can we come up with something better than "idiot tax"? It's even less funny than the round corners meme.

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Anonymous Coward

You're holding it wrong.

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Anonymous Coward

That would require some unbiased thinking on behalf of the El Reg journos.... so no, probably not.

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Meh

Been there before

Idiot Tax is Jasper's personal funnyism; he spends his evenings sitting on his mum's sofa thinking of ways to get it into articles. I've even taken him to task on it before, saying it made him sound like a petulant 12 year old. (http://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/containing/1803762).

Expected to be downvoted to hell and back; to my surprise the upvotes and downvotes were identical; which restored my faith in the Reg readership, if not in Mr. Hamill himself.

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Meh

'Can we come up with something better than "idiot tax"?'

I'm sure we can.

The point is, can Apple?

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"Can we come up with something better than "idiot tax"? It's even less funny than the round corners meme."

iDiot tax?

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El Reg is not sure whether these messages makes us happy or very, very sad.

Personally, they make me want to puke

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Or very nauseous...

Reminds me of a Tom Lehrer quote: "Full of words and music and signifying... nothing."

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Tom Lehrer?

Then he'd read his Shakespeare.

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

From Macbeth

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Happy

Re: Tom Lehrer? : Shakespeare

In regards to all things smart watch related Richard the II comes to mind,

"I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."

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Re: Tom Lehrer? : Shakespeare

Richard III surely...

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This post has been deleted by its author

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I don't he said that

I don't think vincent van gough ever said "if you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint then by all means paint" I think it is another one of those quote attribute to famous people and spouted endlessly on twitter but it turns out he never said such a thing.

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The new Newton

I think the iWatch is going to be a commercial failure and will be remembered in history alongside the Apple Newton.

Steve Jobs has gone and the current Board of Directors have the aura of grey 'Yes'-men.

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The new iPod

Enough people said exactly that about the iPod as well - that it would be a miserable commercial failure. And about the Apple Stores. And about the iMac. And about the iPad.

Success, it seems, is in the i of the beholder.

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FAIL

Re: The new Newton

"... the near-mythical iWatch, which Apple are hoping will rescue the firm..."

Near mythical because Apple (as usual) haven't commented one way or another: so this piece of incisive, riveting journalism is little more than a mishmash of internet rumours and speculation but presented as if it were an undeniable fact.

Let's wait until the fat lady sings...

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Meh

Re: The new Newton

"Let's wait until the fat lady sings..."

What an apt metaphor for annual Apple Announcement day.

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Re: The new iPod

The first ipod *was* a flop. It was only when they added Windows support in later generations it became more popular. Don't make the common fallacy of conflating a single product (which was what "ipod", "iphone" etc originally referred to, and what critics would therefore be talking about).

Most the time though, "success" or "flop" is simply how the media spin the figures - one million in 76 days was hailed a runaway success for the 2007 iphone (and the Nokia 5230's 150 million sales gets ignored), whilst the Surface or the first Lumia sells millions and gets labelled a flop.

I suspect, like most of the products of Apple, MS and other companies, it'll neither be a flop or runaway success, but get normal sales comparable to products by multinationals.

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Blah

"He is likely to have been hired to work on the near-mythical iWatch, which Apple are hoping will rescue the firm ..."

If the watch is just a rumour, what makes you think Apple are pinning any hopes on it?

If it isn't, the hopes Apple are pinning on it won't be that a few self-important bloggers change their tune, but that millions of people buy it. Just like they buy everything else Apple makes.

If you think Apple put an aura of innovativeness before profits, you must be confusing them with Pebble

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The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.

Try telling that to someone afflicted by disease or disability.

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An obvious choice

"... a coiffured head of blonde hair, a glowing complexion .."

He's their golden boy; or possibly champagne.

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Tom Lehrer?

Poisoning pigeons in the park - GREAT stuff.

P.

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Anonymous Coward

Why all the dissing of Apple when they haven't even announced a watch, unlike Samsung.

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Thumb Up

Re: why all the dissing of Apple?

Because that is SOP for many responders here. The Diss Apple no matter what the news is or even if the subject does not even mention Apple.

Cue

Your'e holding it wrong etc.

Anyone daring to complain at this SOP gets a lot of stick as I am only far too aware.

Still, 'sticks and stones' etc. I shall carry on trying to bring a modicum of reasonableness but I fear that the 'hordes' will send me the way of Eadon.

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They couldn't get Manolo

He was too expensive, so they got his younger brother Jay.

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All very well

But I'd like to hear the bong-meister's opinion on the matter...

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Image problems

I am not too sure what kind of format an IWatch is going to take but if it has telephony capabilities it will have similar image problems to Google Glass. Talking to the air makes you look like a Glasshole, talking to your wrist gives the impression that you are either some kind of spook with a wire and an ear bud or your wrist is a substitute for a girlfriend.

As for the quotes from Mr BLAHnik, I think his name is the giveaway. Messages like his are encouragement .... to drive my car over him!

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Pint

Re: Image problems

It would be better if you drove someone else's car over him (maybe his own car):- plod wouldn't be nicking you then...

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Devil

Re: Image problems

Convince a self-driving car to do it.

Google might lend you one...

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Meh

"I don't give a rats ass about it."

What about a rat's arse?

Do you give one of those?

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Happy

I see your rat's ass-

And raise you a ferret's donkey.

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A stupid gadget

The only thing a fuel band shows is how gullible you are to buy it in the first place. If you don't know how much exercise you are doing in a day, the answer is most likely "not enough". No need to buy a glorified step counter for 100x markup to tell you the answer.

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Good thinking

> Apple has hired a healthy living guru

So much more useful than an unhealthy dead one.

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Joke

Re: Good thinking

As for their unhealthy dead guru, I'm sure they've got Jobs' head on ice ready to be defrosted in case of emergency.

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