Feeds

back to article Rate-my-boink app scores frisky fanbois, fangurlz' SCREAMS, VIBRATIONS

Spreadsheets are pretty much the unsexiest invention since the chastity belt, but one app developer is hoping the idea of analysing their own performance in the bedroom will appeal to a generation of selfie-taking fanbois. A new bit of software called Spreadsheets is now on sale in Apple's app store, an online space that's …

COMMENTS

This topic is closed for new posts.
Anonymous Coward

I don't know where they're getting their condoms

But $2.99 seems a bit of a high "cost per lay".

eBay is your friend!

2
0
Silver badge
Joke

Re: I don't know where they're getting their condoms

eBay condoms - the real reason for the recent explosion in population?

Alright, I'm going, I'm going....

Steven R

1
0
Silver badge
Paris Hilton

support question

Can anyone help? I have a friend in Bangor who wants to know if it recognises bleating.

10
1
Silver badge
Paris Hilton

Re: support question

plus if they put the phone in their wellies it might not register correctly.

come to think of it, where are you supposed to put your phone?

2
0
Coat

Re: support question

RE "where are you supposed to put your phone?

Women come with a built in bike rack it should adapt to holding a smartphone or an iphone quiet easily.

er... ok stop pushing..... I'm leaving.

2
0
Silver badge
Paris Hilton

Big Data

Here's looking forward to when they start sharing their data with FaceBook and/or TripAdvisor.

5
0
Silver badge

But why? What's it with the sex craze these days? Isn't there anything on TV?

Obligatory "decibel peak"

3
0
Silver badge
Meh

Decibel peak?

More like decibel peakS I would hope. Also, the dB level varies wildly from person to person and with the mood, hardly an objective measurement.

Also-also 40 min gets you a shiny? Pah! The yoof nowadays. Perhaps that's why they make anesthesing rubbers. After having made ultra-thin, ribbed etc ones for "better sensations"... go figure.

Good thing it's Friday, too*.

*due to my current physical location, it kinda is

1
0
Pint

Virtual Friday?

Greece perhaps?

0
0
Bronze badge
Childcatcher

Re: Decibel peak?

Also, the dB level varies wildly from person to person and with the mood, hardly an objective measurement.

No, it is an objective measurement. The problem I think you are expressing is that an objective measurement is probably not useful in a situation in which the subjective experience is more pertinent.

6
0

Monitors data from user’s movement through the accelerometer?

You're defiantly holding that wrong

3
0
Silver badge
Joke

Re: Monitors data from user’s movement through the accelerometer?

I was more wondering how they were holding it at all, or indeed where it had been shoved to be hands-free still.

Pass the brain bleach please...

3
0
Silver badge

Re: Monitors data from user’s movement through the accelerometer?

Presumably, v2.0 will support one of those Bluetooth pedometer wristband/dongle thingies like the Nike 'Fuelband'.

0
0
Silver badge
Coat

Hmm...

... I can envision some professional ladies introducing a new version of "Pay per Bonk"...

1
0
Silver badge
Devil

"professional ladies introducing a new version"

Seems more likely than an attempt to use credit cards.

"American Express?"

*swipe*

"That'll do nicely, sir."

I'll leave it to your imagination where a naked lady might swipe the card.

1
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: "professional ladies introducing a new version"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZF-U9nL9Ios

0
0

"The app's designers also claim that fanbois have more fun than the rest of us, boasting twice as many lovers by the age of 30 than users of other mobiles."

Incredible sex gods or totally useless and once is enough for their unlucky partners?

0
0
Silver badge

@thesykes

>Incredible sex gods or totally useless

Neither, it means Apple fanbois are ambidextrous whereas Android fanbois only use one hand.

Or, more likely, the app's designers are lying.

9
0
Silver badge

Re: @thesykes

There was some survey that made the news a couple years ago that said iPhone owners had twice as much sex or twice as many partners or something like that than owners of other phones.

That may no longer be true, since Android has reached such penetration (sorry about that) that it approximates the average of the general public. Well, minus our grandparents, few of whom have either smartphones or sex.

1
0
Silver badge
Coat

Re: @thesykes

My Grandad told me last night that he hadn't had sex since 1959...

Mind you, it was probably no great shakes, as it was only 2015 and we were in the pub by then...

1
0
Silver badge
FAIL

"so a man has evidence that he's actually managed to do the deed"

If you need an app to tell you that, you're "skills" are nothing to boast about.

4
0
Bronze badge

"...or trio - hey, we don't know your life..."

Thanks. I have two penises, so I really do need two partners.

1
0
Anonymous Coward

... and now, a man with 3 buttocks

3
0
Megaphone

Stop that it's silly

1
0

rating system?

So hammering away like a fiddlers elbow for 40 minutes while shouting at the top of your voice is rated as the best sex? I'm not sure I'd fully buy into that as a good rating system and it makes me wonder if any real product testing or indeed any 'expert' knowledge was involved in its development.

I'd be looking at something based on the partners heart rate. Heart rate monitors can be quite cheap and unobtrusive these days and surely the duration of elevated rate and the peak rate achieved would give a better indication of 'quality'. There would obviously have to be an extensive period of product testing before being released to the public.

Hmm. might take that on Dragons Den.

4
0
Silver badge
Joke

Re: rating system?

It's a program written by software engineers... I doubt there's much expert knowledge going into it...

3
0
Silver badge

Sex or Murder?

How will it know those are screams of passion and not screams of terror and pain coming from the hitchhiker in the basement? A good hobo strangling generates a lot of the same (to an accelerometer) motion as a good round of sex. This whole thing could be highly embarrassing if the app can't tell the difference.

2
0
Silver badge
Joke

Re: Sex or Murder?

create a new app called "rate my hobo murder", that should avoid confusion.

7
0
Bronze badge
Gimp

Re: Sex or Murder?

I am curious to know where you got your results for that comparison. On second thoughts perhaps some things are best kept secret

0
0
Silver badge
Alert

Re: Sex or Murder?

Or a labourer having fun? (Strap the phone to the handles of a pneumatic drill ...)

0
0
Silver badge
Windows

Re: Sex or Murder?

Mr. Plinkett, is that you?

1
0
Anonymous Coward

No point

My app would be blank... (sigh)

0
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: No point

You're happily married as well then?

14
0
Anonymous Coward

I went to the zoo with my wife and son; the elephants we saw could have used this app.

1
0
Anonymous Coward

evergreen contraceptive that is EastEnders.

God that takes me back, I used to have a mad girl friend that used to love to ride while watching East Enders. I never realised that it was supposed to be a contraceptive but it was enough to put me put a guy sufficiently off his stride that impregnation was unlikely to happen.

0
0
Silver badge
Facepalm

I'm waiting...

I'm waiting for the first time the company get sued by some daft American git who gets caught out by his wife/girlfriend after rating the sex he was having with his mistress/random slapper from the bar.

0
0
Silver badge
Trollface

Re: I'm waiting...

Or for someone to bring out an app that lets prospective partners filter based on ratings.

"I'd love to go out with you, really I would, but I can't. You scored high enough on the spoil me factor with the Gold Amex card, but your iPhone tells me you're a lousy F*&k"

0
0
Anonymous Coward

Features

Does it hook into Game Centre, with some sort of "Challenge your friends" option?

1
0
Silver badge
Paris Hilton

I won't ask if this app.....

Automatically sets your phone to vibrate!

(Paris--because I am sure she's going to need her own server!!)

0
1

A whole new meaning

for when she says " I have a strap-on I would like to try".....

1
0
This topic is closed for new posts.