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back to article Nude swimmers warned of GONAD-GOBBLING FISH ON THE LOOSE

Swedish men have been told to stay out of the water after a gonad-gobbling fish known as the "ball cutter" was spotted in the wild. The warning was issued after fisherman caught what appears to be a 21cm-long pacu fish in the Oresund Sound between Denmark and Sweden. Related to the famous Amazonian piranha, the pacu is famous …

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Fishy

This news smells fishy! The pacu is a freshwater fish. The Oresund Sound is salty sea. Not as salty as the Atlantic next door, but more salty that the brackish Baltic on the other side (many freshwater fish live in the almost-freshwater northern parts of the Baltic, but going south the salt goes up and the population gets more marine). It is also much, much colder than Orinoco or the Amazon.

I think this is a prime example of what we in Finland call a "mätäkuun juttu", a "rotten month's story". It is also the right time of the year for it, the humid tail end of Summer when things start rotting.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Fishy

Hei! Here in the UK it's called the "Silly Season". Think I prefer the Finnish version, although wouldn't "mätäkuun kalaa juttu" be more appropriate in this case?

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Re: Fishy

mätäkuun juttu

That has too many accents and 'u's to be a thing in any language on earth.

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Re: Fishy

> wouldn't "mätäkuun kalaa juttu" be more appropriate in this case?

That would be spelled "mätäkuun kalajuttu". OK, but a bit redundant, "kalajuttu" already implies it is probably an inaccurate story...

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Re: Fishy

> That has too many accents and 'u's to be a thing in any language on earth.

The "ä" is not considered an accented letter Finnish, just a common vowel (similar to how you say "a" in "hat") that even has its own place in the alphabet near the end. As to the the row of "u":s, Finnish spelling indicates long vowels by doubling them. Simple and intuitive.

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Re: Fishy

The Finns are merely compensating for the lack of vowels in Welsh.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Fishy

Finnish vowels in written text make it clear whether they are back vowels or front vowels. As MacroRodent says, "ä" is a front vowel pronounced like the "a" in the English word "cat", whereas "a" is a back vowel and pronounced like the "a" in the English word "car". English doesn't really make the distinction, since it rarely changes the meaning of a word and can differ in regional accents (for instance "bath", pronounced like "barth" in some places, and like "baff" in others. In Finnish, words with different meanings can differ only in whether they contain back or front vowels.

And to the poster who thinks long vowels with look scary in Finnish, you should try Lapp which has long vowels with three of the same vowel in succession!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Fishy

"The Finns are merely compensating for the lack of vowels in Welsh."

a, e, i, o, u, w, y - two more than English

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Headmaster

If he's an expert...

He should know that the plural of testicle is testes. I'm getting tired of seeing this laziness everywhere lately.

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Re: If he's an expert...

Yes, he should get the sack.

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Re: If he's an expert...

Isn't testes only correct when referring to those owned by one person and testicles refers to those owned by more than one person?

- He lost his testes in a bizarre refrigerator accident.

- Many testicles are lost annually to kitchen appliance malfunctions.

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Facepalm

Re: If he's an expert...

Er, no ....

Testis, plural = testes

Testicle, plural = testicles.

Not that you'd worry about these niceties if you're having your balls chewed off by a piranha.

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Re: If he's an expert...

You're whingeing on about orthography when every normal man is sitting tightly crossed-leg thinking, "Mmm, that sounds slightly uncomfortable" especially if they'd seen the episode of River Monsters dedicated to the pacu.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Many testicles are lost annually to kitchen appliance malfunctions

What? what are you doing with the toaster/kettle/washer/food processor ????

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Re: If he's an expert...

All this grammar discussion is annoying me. It's making me testy.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: If he's an expert...

>It's making me testy.

It's tetchy

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Anonymous Coward

Re: If he's an expert...

He totally ballsed that up.

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Re: Many testicles are lost annually to kitchen appliance malfunctions

What? what are you doing with the toaster/kettle/washer/food processor ????

*****

Real Men don't use shop brought gadgets for their "Will It Blend" experiements.

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Re: If he's an expert...

Honestly this seems like a load of bollucks if you ask me. With summer coming to an end we're balls deep in joke and shock stories, it's absolutely nuts.

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Happy

Re: If he's an expert...

What the hell are you possibly reading that leads you to see testes vs. testecles everywhere? Do we even want to know?

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Coat

Re: If he's an expert...

Yeah, he totally dropped the ball with that gaffe.

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Re: If he's an expert...

he's testiculating...

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Re: If he's an expert...

@ Paul J Turner:

Are you feeling a bit testy today?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Many testicles are lost annually to kitchen appliance malfunctions

> What? what are you doing with the toaster/kettle/washer/food processor ????

Listen, last time I checked this was a free country, Ok? I reassure you that no appliances are harmed.

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zb

Re: Many testicles are lost annually to kitchen appliance malfunctions

Well the fire brigade is used to dealing with a penis stuck in a toaster

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jul/30/penis-toaster-message-fire-brigade-fiftyshadesofred

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Re: If he's an expert...

This is an IT rag so its unit testicles.

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::Crnl Potter::

Horse hockey.

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Anonymous Coward

Fake Story

The giveaway? Swedish men don't have testicles.

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Re: Fake Story

Ummmm ... what?

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Coat

I call dibs on the Swedish chainmail speedo concession!!

Attached icon is actually an illustration showing proper procedure for adornment.

(Also agree with the above about the Pacu being a warm fresh-water fish. But maybe Putin's KGB is missing a couple Franken-Pacu bred to stop Russian gays from skinny-dipping?)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I call dibs on the Swedish chainmail speedo concession!!

Doubt it was the Ruskies. No mention of it being fitted with a LAZER.

In Россия all your testes are belong to us.

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Re: I call dibs on the Swedish chainmail speedo concession!!

New from IKEA! Unfortunately, it takes 35 minutes to put it on and it never really fits right.

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Trollface

Re: I call dibs on the Swedish chainmail speedo concession!!

You can have your dibs...

Chainmail is flexible.....

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IT Angle

Re: I call dibs on the Swedish chainmail speedo concession!!

If it's from Ikea, you need to put an old phone book under one gonad......

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xyz

Sounds like my ex girlfriend is on the loose again

She has form for this sort of thing.

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Re: Sounds like my ex girlfriend is on the loose again

If you'd have been nicer to her she probably wouldn't have bitten!

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IT Angle

A few details:

The fish was caught near Saltholm, on the Danish side. The Danish men should be equally afraid.

Pacus are not uncommon as aquarium fish and has spread over the world as such.

My guess is that someone in Copenhagen got tired of their fish tank and dumped the fish in a canal in the city, from where it swam to Öresund. If it had any friends, they'll freeze to death in the winter.

Oh, and Where's the IT angle? (I can see the bITe angle, though.)

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Coat

Re: A few details:

The IT angle, is in the dangle...

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Re: A few details:

Rather than tired, more likely it grew too big. People buy them as 3" fish in a 3' tank not realizing that they can grow bigger than the tank. They then need to get rid of them somehow and most zoos have too many of the things. Take a look at London zoos aquarium, it is full of monster fish, most of which come from people who could no longer look after them.

Also, I would guess that the salinity and lack off food would get to it before the cold.

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Re: A few details:

"The IT angle, is in the dangle..."

Isn't that directly proportional to the throb of the knob.

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Re: A few details:

You mean the dongle, surely?

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Thumb Up

Re: A few details:

also directly proportional to the heat of the meat

provided the mass of the arse is kept constant

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MJI
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Re: A few details:

What about chip shops?

Now that would get rid of them in a usefull way.

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Re: A few details:

Angle of the dangle = Heat of the meat + Mass of the ass.

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Paris Hilton

Playmobil - or it didn't happen

Paris, because, well obviously

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Devil

Pffft...

Sounds like a load of bollocks to me.

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Fish Tank Kings....

Now we know what happens with the fish after the owners get tired of them...

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The Usual Government Stupidity

The pacu is tropical. Obviously, someone dumped one in the water there, THIS SUMMER. The odds are that he didn't dump huge schools of them.

More importantly, the pacu grows to be HUGE. Like eighty pounds. The one they're talking about is tiny (for a pacu). It could never bite off someone's gonads. It wouldn't dare even try.

This is like the idiots in the US announcing that sun tea might be dangerous. It's bureaucratic hypercarefulness, causing more harm than good.

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Anonymous Coward

Someone needs to tell the Pacu that when you teabag someone the rule is *no biting*.

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