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back to article Comrade! If you dare f$%^ing swear on the internet, WE'LL SHOOT

Websites publishing profanities will either have to delete the offending material within 24 hours or be hauled offline - so says a new amendment to a law aimed at – what else? – protecting children. Another attack on Blighty's freedom of speech? Not this time. Instead, Yelena Mizulina - head of the Russian State Duma's Committee …

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Sometimes I think they do this on purpose just to make everybody else look sane. David Cameron need some political cover? Oh that's cool we'll ban swearing because obviously there's never going to be a dissenting opinion because everybody is scared of spending their life in a Siberian Gulag for even bringing the subject up - as if we're supposed to consider DC sane by comparison.

Not saying that's the way it is, but it's certainly how it feels. Banning swearing on the net? Guess we can finally get something done about these fucking mouthy Russian Dota 2 kids?

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Anonymous Coward

Perhaps politicians don't really have any idea how to look after children. Perhaps nannies, governesses, boarding schools, etc take care of all that stuff?

Dear politicians,

You should probably keep your young-uns from wandering unattended into homes, schools, building sites, pubs, Tourette's clinics, prisons, brothels, crack dens, confessionals, "the internet", etc., for many and varied reasons. The possibility of encountering naughty words being one (probably the least) of those reasons. If, for some reason, you won't do this then I suggest that social services urgently transfer your young-uns to the care of someone who will.

Should you feel inclined to persist with your drive to censor the internet under the guise of childproofing the whole world, I suggest you begin by childproofing the whole real world before turning to censorship of the virtual stuff. As we all know, but apparently you don't, the real world is actually dangerous and corrupting to children, it would also be a hell of a lot easier to childproof than a nebulous, stateless sea of 0s and 1s.

If all this mindless noise is really just about trying to stop us getting around the d-notice you issued against that photo of you with your knob in the homeless trannie (as we all *know* it is), then you should 'fess up cos you're making yourselves look extra stupid. (On top of sleazy, corrupt, self-serving and all the other crap)

Sincerely,

One of the plebs.

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Dear Ms. Mizulina

Kindly fuck off.

Yours,

Fuck You

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Re: Dear Ms. Mizulina

Well done Arthur. Excellent grammar and phrasing there, top notch use of the English language to refute the promoted premise. You've gone some way to proving their point with your rather tasteless counter argument.

Perhaps you should have spent more time in English classes rather than swearing at your teachers.

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Happy

Re: Dear Ms. Mizulina (@ James Hughes 1)

'Form' also carries information. And after all the brouhaha we've been seeing lately regarding concepts like Freedom, Privacy, Censorship, Snooping and the like, it's no wonder some fellow commentards despair when reading news like this and, in a moment of weakness, resort to foul language. I'm well known myself for having behaved in a similar manner on occassions.

On a side note: This lass Mizzulina looks to me like Louella Parsons reincarnation on steroids. Who, in the FSM's name, chose/elected/supported her for her role at the Committee for Family, Women, and Children?

And regarding the honorable Chairman of the Moscow Regional Bar Association, Professor Sergei Smirnov...

These Russian baristas are really brilliant! And they choose their chairmen based on his surname!* ;^)

*Note: They don't choose them for their brains, as is made obvious by his declaration. “Obscene language offends both children and adults”.

When I was a young child, I don't remember being offended by foul language, except for brief moments, that were usually followed by bursts of laughter and sometimes even some note-taking. And everyone else seemed to be doing more or less the same. The tricky part for children was knowing when and where they could and couldn't use profanity. A little bit more difficult than potty training. And it also needs, you know... training.

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RE: This lass Mizzulina looks to me like Louella Parsons reincarnation on steroids.

Actually, I thought she was Rosa Klebb in From Russia With Love

(Rosa Klebb portrayed by Lotte Lenya: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0502322/?ref_=tt_cl_t4 )

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Re: Dear Ms. Mizulina

Concise, direct. All the hallmarks of good technical writing... well done!

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Joke

Re: RE: This lass Mizzulina looks to me like Louella Parsons reincarnation on steroids.

All the Russian women I know (both in real life and online) are attractive, most stunningly so. (Including a LASER scientist, to whom I pointed out that all the spy stories with a beautiful Russian scientist, who usually helped the hero of course, obviously were true.)

So this leads to some possibilities.

Is this woman embittered because she doesn't look stunning and therefore wants to stop other people's fun?

Or do Russian women suddenly transform when they become babushki? (Boy, was Kate Bush wrong about that word).

I don't know any Russian women over 50. It isn't at all unusual for Russian women to marry men 20 years old. A large proportion of Russian men die before retirement age. It would make sense.

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The Committee for Men

On behalf of the Committee for Men, I propose the following: henceforth 50% of the internet shall be dedicated to porn, 30% to swearing , and the remaining 20% to porn and swearing. Any website owner failing to strictly adhere to this law shall be forced to attend every meeting of the committee for family, women and children (guaranteed to be a bundle of laughs).

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Anonymous Coward

Re: The Committee for Men

Might I humbly suggest:

30% porn

20% swearing

50% porn and swearing

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Stop

Re: The Committee for Men

Free speech issues aside for a minute, this is definitely the committee for aging teenage boys.

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What about MY kids?

I really want to protect them from seeing something as scarring as that offensive blowhard's fizzog on camera.

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My prediction

Russian websites will simply offer geolocation-based filtering that will replace all swearwords with her name.

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Ah. Russia.

That would be the place where "FSB" doesn't mean "Fuck, Shit, Bollocks", right?

That explains a lot.

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Joke

Re: Ah. Russia.

Actually I'd guess that if you're ever on the receiving end of a visit from the FSB, you probably are thinking Fuck, Shit, Bollocks...

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Does the BBC

know that Mo Slater is moonlighting as a Russian minister?

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Gosh.

That is all.

Carry on...

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Childcatcher

TOTC

Keep this women away from policy?

Again the internet was built by and for adults

Does the world not have enough child and profanity filters?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: TOTC

@John Smith 19

"Again the internet was built by and for adults"

Totally agree.

Also totally agree with my primary school teacher who told me that it wasn't grownup to swear.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: TOTC

<<<Also totally agree with my primary school teacher who told me that it wasn't grownup to swear.

>>>

As a general rule I must say that I agree completely with your, and and your primary school teachers's sentiments. However sometimes it is absolutey fucking essential.

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Anonymous Coward

@ John Smith

Keep this men away from the computer.

This men is not intelligent enough to understand the concept of singular and plural, amongst many other similar basic principles that he fails to grasp.

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In my small part of the world .......

.....it's the kids who shock and offend me with their swearing. Can they be fitted with filters?

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Facepalm

Good luck on this one

Cleaning the web from bad language is kind of a first step in protecting the children - the other few million steps afterwards will be much harder, though.

The only way this could work is to take all Russian blogs offline - which might actually be the real intention behind this initiative...

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Re: Good luck on this one

First define 'bad language'

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Big Brother

Re: Good luck on this one

First define 'bad language'

That's simply everything that offends the ruling party.

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Big Brother

Re: Good luck on this one

First define 'bad language'

That's simply everything that offends the ruling party.

to be more precise - that definition is up to the ruling party...

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Headmaster

Re: Good luck on this one

Ask a your nearest grammar nazi.

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Re: Good luck on this one

Actually the definition of Bad Language is more like whatever offends the loudest lobbyist

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What is wrong with the children ?

If the children need so much protection it must be because the government got things wrong in the first place.

If that is the case, then the govenrnment should be changed because they are the ones that are in need of protect, from themselves.

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Vodka ban?

Banning vodka too I presume? The leading cause of Russian profanity & nudity.

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Trollface

WEEEEEELL

Ms. Mizulinas a bitch!

She's a big fat bitch!

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!

She's a stupid bitch!

If there ever was a bitch!

She's a bitch to all the boys and girls!

On Monday she's a bitch,

On Tuesday she's a bitch,

On Wednesday thru Saturday she's a bitch!

Then on Sunday just to be different,

She's a super king kamehameha bi-atch!

(Come on you all know the words!)

Have you ever met my friend Ms. Mizulina,

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!

She's a mean old bitch,

And she has stupid hair!

She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

She's a stupid bitch! (Woo!)

Ms. Mizulina’s a bitch

And she's such a dirty bitch!(Hey!)

Talk to kids around the world.

It might go a little bit something like this...

[Sung in 4 different languages by other children]

Have you ever met my friend Ms. Mizulina,

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!

She's a mean old bitch,

And she has stupid hair!

She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

She's a stupid bitch!

Ms. Mizulina's a bitch,

And she's such a dirty bitch!

I reeeally mean it,

Ms. Mizulina,

she's a big fat, fuckin' bitch!

Big, old, fat, fuckin' bitch!

Ms. Mizulinaaaaaaaa!

Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa!

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Re: WEEEEEELL (@ wowfood)

"...Aw... fuck!"

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i think we should ban all kids from the internet and not let them use scissors or lighters as well. for their own protection.

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It's also dangerous for them to be outside, think of all those pedos out there, for their own safety, children should not be allowed out in public, especially supermarkets, since it's so easy for them to get seperated from their parents, and also definately swimming pools. Not only could they drown (by my hand) but think of all the pedos looking at kids in speedos (can't spell speedo without peedo)

The more I think about it the more I like this law. No more screaming children throwing tantrums in the supermarket, no more little brats screaming while I'm trying to eat in a resteraunt (read KFC) no more little shits diving in the deep end of the pool while i'm trying to swim laps.... I mean, think of how safe they'll be at home >.>

Then again 90% of all accidents occur at home. So it isn't safe there either. What we need is some kind of child safety camp (read concentration camp) to keep them safe... from themselves.

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Happy

@wowfood

What we need is some kind of child safety camp (read concentration camp) to keep them safe... from themselves.

I think that one has already been invented. It is called Kindergarden.

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Anonymous Coward

"What we need is some kind of child safety camp (read concentration camp) to keep them safe... from themselves."

The short-lived science fiction TV series "Space: Above and Beyond" had the right idea... children were grown in tanks (like giant test-tubes) and not released upon the world until they were 18!

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What the fork?

The problem with banning specific words is that there are so many near homophones that would be impractical to ban. Until anyone in power comes up with the ability to ban context rather than content schemes like this will always be flawed.

Of course, when people realise that there are many, many acceptable words and phrases ("taking the mick", being a fine example) in everyday use that have exactly the same meaning as "nastier" equivalents and that by using the sanitised versions they are committing the very offences they are so outraged about - just with different words, what will they do then? Somehow I doubt they will recognise their own hypocrisy: they'll probably just make it illegal to point out how inconsistent all these rules are.

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Re: What the fork?

I think you mean synonyms. A homophone is a word that is pronounced the same as another word but differs in meaning.

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Coat

Re: What the fork?

Homophones are on the rise in Russia

Da, comrade, I'll get my coat

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Re: What the fork?

I Hope you're not being Homophonic.

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Coat

Re: What the fork?

"A homophone is a word that is pronounced the same as another word but differs in meaning."

What, like 'cock'?

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Re: What the fork?

Hehehe, nearly blew my tea out my nose when I read this...

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I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

I'm sick of reading posts that start OMG or WTF or dude or Jeez. While I accept that it does the service of giving me an advance warning that the subsequent content will be semi-literate, I can still live without it.

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Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

Quick get Martin off of the web and into that Kindegarten immediately. He might actually be suffering ffrom an immediate strain of SwearWordsOntheWeb.......

He came to El Reg and expected "nice"...... OMFG, WTF......Faint, swoon, fetch me some water..... We have a believer..

Nah, but seriously Martin, most of the Web does not contain profanity and you are free to browse only the content that you desire, simples really. There are lots of nice Christian websites, some might even be orientated towards IT. If not why not start some up...

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Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

Khaptain, I'm quite prepared for it here On El Reg but look at current comments On CNN after a report on a 'friend'who have away a GI's dog while he was on active service. The comments are pitiful, whoever was in the right. If aliens landed and saw how we use the web they'd leave for another 10,000 years.

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Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

"If aliens landed and saw how we use the web they'd leave for another 10,000 years."

It's true that the web does have its "DailyFail" side of things..... I suppose at the end of the day it probably is quite representive of society. ( That's a depressing thought and it's only Monday)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

> I'm sick of reading posts that start OMG or WTF or dude or Jeez.

Almost as annoying as 'simples'.

> subsequent content will be semi-literate

Quite right. Swearing has lost it's ability to shock. It has become the verbal equivalent of a neck-tattoo; a marker of a lack of intelligence or good sense.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

To fuckin' right. Those dipshits wat swear all the time is fuckin' stupid innit.

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Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

[Broadcast Eclear, sent 1375116777.8]

xGSV Slightly Perturbed

oBOFH Reg Readers

"If aliens landed and saw how we use the web they'd leave for another 10,000 years."

Oh, we're quite entertained, I assure you. Disturbed also, like watching a millennia-long episode of Jeremy Kyle.

Quite an amazing planet, really.

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Alien

Re: I'm totally fed up with swearing ...

> Quite an amazing planet, really.

But harmless. Well, mostly harmless.

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