back to article Tweet like escaping Hell depends on it, Twitter Catholics told

The Catholic Church is handing out indulgences promising time off purgatory in exchange for a simple tweet. The Pope previously promised that anyone attending the Rio World Youth Day would be handed a get-out-of-hell-free card, or an indulgence as they were once known. These offer forgiveness for sins, allowing the recipient the …

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Anonymous Coward

4giv me, father, 4 I hav sinned.

"I spent all night looking at pron on my iPad."

"Never mind, my son. Say 4 Hail Marys, and tweet me the URL"

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Anonymous Coward

Dark Ages

In the Middle Ages the rich could buy absolution for a reasonable fee.

This could be a fantastic money spinner if done correctly, and the proceeds could be used to help pay off the abuse victims.

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Joke

How about indulgencies from a shoot-em-up?

If they want to use the Internet like that, how about them writing a Doom-like game? You could score indulgences for wiping out evil creatures. Roam around slaughtering witches, demons, abortionists, womens libbers, divorcees ... and Methodists!

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Haha ha ha

I'm probably going to hell for this but...

How can they take themselves seriously?

What does it take for the poor deluded souls to admit that all religion is nothing more than a means for some people to control others?

There should be an inverse relationship between religion and science - and by now the religion side of the scale should be at zero - what went wrong*?

* I'm guessing the word eduction will be in the answer

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JDX
Gold badge

Re: Haha ha ha

Your lack of understanding is possibly the issue here. However on this topic - indulgences - I will agree it is ridiculous even if everything else you say is foolishness (namely the religion is just control people... you're thinking of institutionalised organised religion, which is a subset of religion).

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Devil

Re: Haha ha ha

When I read about the issuance of indulgences back in the Middle Ages (the Golden Age of Catholicism), I kinda had to wonder...

If these guys believe in a god that casts people into a special laundromat in the sky to wash away their sins, surely that god would have to sign on to validate the get-out-of-the-wash-free coupons the church issued, right?

I mean, what on earth makes anyone think these indulgences would even be valid? What theological argument would compel some divine being to accept time-off coupons handed out by a bunch of blokes here on earth? By that logic, isn't it a bit like me printing off a bunch of coupons for shiny iThings and handing them out to my friends, in the hopes that the Apple store would accept them? (Not that I'm comparing Apple to a divine supernatural creator of all the universe, mind.)

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Trollface

Re: Haha ha ha

" * I'm guessing the word eduction will be in the answer "

I'm guessing you meant education.

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Mushroom

Re: Haha ha ha

Re "By that logic, isn't it a bit like me printing off a bunch of coupons for shiny iThings and handing them out to my friends, in the hopes that the Apple store would accept them? (Not that I'm comparing Apple to a divine supernatural creator of all the universe, mind.)"

From what I can work out Apple-ophiles do indeed think that Apple is indeed divine, and the Messiah was Steve Jobs, and everything that comes out of Cupertino is manna from Heaven, and don't mind selling their soul to acquire stuff made by Apple.

But I guess they're almost as deluded as the average Religious person.

I guess at least the Apple-ophiles get some transitory material happiness, unlike the lot that are promised it all when they die.

Personally I worship science, and shared practical knowledge, and Richard Dawkins is one of my Messiahs.

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Re: Haha ha ha

Ha, yes I did mean education - hoist by my own petard :-)

Well caught

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Headmaster

Re: Haha ha ha

Probably, although:-

Eduction:

To assume or work out from given facts; deduce.

...and get it all wrong, invent sky-faeries etc.

Possibly...

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Re: Haha ha ha

The idea is that Jesus told the disciples before he ascended to heaven that "What the church holds true on earth, god holds true in heaven" or some words to that effect.

Basically - the church can say whatever it wants and god will make it true.

The idea is ridiculous and I am surprised the church is still using it, as anyone with half a brain would realize that if this is the case, the church could magic away all the world's ills with but a word from the pope.

So either he isn't doing it (In which case he is a bit of a bastard) or he can't (he is faking it).

Either way, it single-handedly disproves the legitimacy of the church.

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Devil

How many tweets...

...does a priest need to make to gain forgiveness for fucking a choirboy?

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Trollface

Re: How many tweets...

Tweets? I thought the catholic church gave them a free pass on that anyway?

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How many for rumpo with a choirboy?

Asking for a friend.

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WTF?

Indulgences ?! wft ?

Didn't they disappear with disco ?

Besides, is purgatory mentioned in the Bible (quick wiki) ah, I see ... Maccabees ... a disputed book of the bible.

"Two men say they're Jesus, one of them must be wrong ..."

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JDX
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Re: Indulgences ?! wft ?

Indulgences and Purgatory are just unbiblical Catholic mythology. Whether you put much weight in the bible, or any religion's "flawless holy book", a religious sect which doesn't even base their teachings on their own holy book has to be treated with suspicion!

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Hmmm

" You don't get the indulgence the way you get a coffee from a vending machine. There's no counter handing out certificates"

Yeah, because that would just be silly.

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Devil

Online Account?

Where do I login to see how many I've managed to get?

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Is this officially sanctioned by $DEITY? Does this mean $DEITY accepts the internet? Is it okay to permit $BELIEVERS to interact within the realm of demonic filth and piracy that is at the other end of that LAN cable? Is this really an exercise in $TEMPTATION ???

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Headmaster

Not that it matters much

But indulgences don't let you avoid hell, or purgatory for that matter. They can lessen your time in purgatory, but that's it.

Assuming you believe any of it, of course.

Can't blame the writer for getting it wrong though. This kind of arcane information can only be found buried deep in the... well, the first paragraph of the wiki page on indulgences actually :\

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Get out of hell free card?

I have several of those already:

http://getoutofhellfree.com/

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Silver badge

Market Value

Can I trade or sell any indulgences I acquire?

- How do we verify our indulgence is genuine and not a shitty Protestant knock off?

- Does an indulgence accrue interest?

- Is an indulgence taxable and if so are there deductions related to the maintenance of the indulgence.

- Who is the accountable body for warranty service?

- What are the privacy policies? Will my information be sold or traded to partners?

This is simply a rush job in an attempt to get first mover advantage over competitors. The other guys get 72 virgins so I can see where a distinctive, non lethal product offering might be advantageous, but that doesn't excuse shoddy policy development with no recourse available to the consumer. It might show some short term traction but historically these sorts of things only end up with the end user holding the bag.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Market Value

You forgot the most important question: are these indulgences fungible? Can I take a bunch of minor sin indulgences and combine them for a more major sin?

Obviously, if that is the case then a proper free market for indulgences will emerge, allowing for a cap-and-trade system to reduce sin over-all: major sinners will have to purchase indulgences on the free market, while people committing minor sins will be encouraged to not sin, but rather sell their indulgences on the free market. Eventually, a stock market for indulgences will appear, allowing companies to trade future indulgences for present sins, or to allow raising enough indulgences to allow for significant investment in sin for growth, with eventual indulgences used to pay off the bonds and stocks so issued. Plan on poisoning a small town? Issue an indulgence bond! Accidentally poison a larger town? Write it off against future earnings! Need to incentivize the board? Issue indulgence options, and write them off to future dilution!

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: verify our indulgence is genuine and not a shitty Protestant knock off

Bravo, sir!

Best line so far.

As to the matter at hand, it's so far beyond silliness that Monty Python wouldn't touch if for fear it had taken absurdity just a wee bit too far.

But I'll be tweeting like Billy-O, just in case.

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Devil

Re: Market Value

Aren't they already doing all this with that equally-fictitious thing called "Carbon Credits" ?? They're surely a "Sin of Emission".

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Re: Market Value

No, you can't sell or trade indulgencies.

The idea of an indulgence is that if you commit a sin, you can reduce the divine punishment you receive for it by performing a good deed to offset the bad things you did.

For example, if you attacked and injured someone, then you could spend some time volunteering at your local hospital's a&e [en:us - emergency room]. If you vandalised public property, then spend time cleaning up the mess made by other vandals. If you were a drugs dealer, then spend some time helping addicts come off drugs.

Merely buying a bit of paper is not a good deed that can make up for the bad things you have done.

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Re: Market Value

The sound you're hearing is the humor train leaving the station without you.

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FAIL

Re: @ Don Jefe

"The sound you're hearing is the humor train leaving the station without you."

Oh goody...another "Mackeral Snapper" heard from.

What's the matter Donny Boy? Afraid you'll end up in Hell for laughing at the obvious hypocrisy in all of this?

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Re: Market Value

So, sequestering then, rather than trading.

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Happy

Re: Sin of Emission

Again with Eduction!

"(Engineering / Mechanical Engineering) the exhaust stroke of a steam or internal-combustion engine"

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Acheavment unlocked

One week less in purgatory.

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Isn't this simony?

Trading of indulgences or other spiritual goods by church officials for temporal gain, in this case twitter following. According to Dante that gets you into the 3rd bolgia of the 8th circle of hell, stuck upside down in a hole with fire burning your feet, until the next sinner comes along and you get pushed down to make room.

Hmm, I've just realised - Dante invented stack architecture.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Isn't this simony?

I don't think this is simony - while I am sure the BOFH finds this interesting, it doesn't sound like his cuppa to me.

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Snowden would be wise to check out all avenues of escape from his own particular purgatory on earth.

Maybe Pope Francis can help?

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Thumb Up

Phibible

The sarcasm of the article is justified. Catholicism should be scorned by all, even Catholics because it is a false representation of Christianity, and has been that way since it became the official religion of the Roman Empire.

Martin Luther was right on target with his 95 Theses, as were the other ex-Catholic priests like Calvin, Zwingli, etc who were thrown out of Catholicism when they started teaching the Bible as the Word of God instead of putting the words of sinful men above the Bible.

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Re: Catholics v other Christians

Still two baldy guys fighting over comb, though.

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FAIL

Re: Catholics v other Christians. No! IT's any Religion v any other Religion.

Still two stupid guys fighting over fuck all!

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Re: Phibible

Odd strategy from God really.

You let the Jews get it wrong for 1300 years, then send the kid along to tell them how to do it but they are wrong for 1500 years until a monk comes along to say they were doing it wrong ...

A bit like patch-Tuesdays

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Meh

@loneranger

Presumably your imaginary friend is bigger than the Pope's imaginary friend, then?

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Re: Phibible

"You" (I am only 53, not 1300)

"let the Jews get it wrong for 1300 years" (who said Moses was wrong?They were God's representatives to the human race until they rejected Jesus their Messiah, and were temporarily set aside until the 2nd Coming).

"then send the kid along" (who might "the kid" be? An awfully blasphemous way to refer to the Lord Jesus Christ your Creator; and I didn't send anyone)

"but they are wrong for 1500 years" (yes) "until a monk comes along to say they were wrong" (Martin Luther was rebuking the Pope and his religion for pretending to sell God's forgiveness for cash; as far as I know, the pope, whom he referred to as the Antichrist, was the chief focus of his writings, not the Jews, so you are clearly confusing apples and oranges.)

"A bit like patch-Tuesdays" (what?)

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FAIL

Lord Jesus Christ your Creator

Oh, you're one of those people so confused you can't tell who is who. The Lord, aka God, might have created me. Jesus sure as hell didn't.

Not that I believe this rubbish anymore - just pointing out that "Lord Jesus Christ your Creator" is ridiculous.

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Pint

Re: Lord Jesus Christ your Creator

Not au fait with the ridiculous Trinity doctrine then?

Beer 'cos it is the only sane response to an insane world

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Re: Lord Jesus Christ your Creator

Well, you can reject the plain testimony of the Bible if you wish. That is your choice, but you're going to have a lot of explaining to do when you bow your knees to Him at the Great White Throne Judgment, because whether you believe it or not, it WILL happen.

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Seriously??

I'm nominally Catholic (but disagree with a lot of their teachings), but this seems pretty silly. If there is a God, I really don't think he's going to pay attention to the Pope's decrees that this or that person is absolved of some time in The Bad Place in return for posting a Really Heartfelt short message. I kinda suspect he's going to make up his own mind on the subject...

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Happy

Re: Seriously??

Dude, if Jesus isn't following your Twitter feed you need to step up your game. You can also Friend Him on Facebook. He doesn't update his page much but best to cover your bases. Since the SEC now allows public disclosure of corporate operational issues through social media the Rapture will certainly be announced first there, simply to save on the Bloomberg filing fees.

You can try LinkedIn too, but he's only connected with 12 fisherman, a hobo from Argentina and some trashy Jewish princess from his early post synagogue days. His professional contacts seem fairly specialized and unless you're a fisherman he probably won't connect with you. You can endorse him though, he might slide you a few indulgences on the side...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Seriously??

@SirWired 1

"I'm nominally Catholic (but disagree with a lot of their teachings),"

I used to ask my girlfriend this one- If your catholic then surely your catholic? Not a half in pick and mix version? If you are a pick and mix version then you are probably one of the other religions. Or possibly even atheist.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Seriously??

I guess the thumb down is from a maybe catholic? Or a non-practising catholic? Or a catholic who doesnt believe the stuff in the book? Or a catholic who disagrees with the catholic teachings?

I am rigging chance here as there are more of the above than there are catholics. Catholic catholics that is

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Silver badge

Re: Seriously??

No, once a Catholic always a Catholic.

You could join the Taliban and you would just be a bad catholic

Dara O'Brian

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here i was thinking...

...that this type of crap went out with the inquisition. Is society moving backwards all of a sudden?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: here i was thinking...

@P Saunders

"

here i was thinking...

...that this type of crap went out with the inquisition. Is society moving backwards all of a sudden?"

MMCC co2 theory. Windfarms that produce no power but will save the world. Blair the catholic crusader is the middle east peace (or pieces?) envoy. Wasnt slow but wasnt sudden.

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