back to article Gartner magicians conjure technological TUBE MAP

Gartner's Magic Qudrants are beloved by vendors (when they appear in its best bits) but often draw disapproving doubts from Reg readers, who doubt their independence What, then, to make of the analyst outfit's latest visualisation, the “Digital Marketing Transit Map” with its promise to help viewers “Find your digital direction— …

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Joke

I think I've seen that before...

Isn't that the Tokyo subway map with the station names changed?

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Re: I think I've seen that before...

Looks more like a 1950's London tube map as drawn by a blind orangutan. Probably about as useful too.

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Re: I think I've seen that before...

It looks like bonus map for Metro:Last Light to me. When you've got bored of mutated moles and Nazis, you can take on the management consultants and business process outsourcers.

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If you read it long enough, you can feel your hair getting pointier.

It doesn't take much study to realise it's actually just a load of buzzwords arranged randomly and connected by equally random lines. Why else would 'microsensors,' 'virtual actors' and 'gamification' share a line?

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You could make a similar map for just about any product area or activity or area of study. It would look just as 'good' and be just as 'useful'.

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Don't worry, I'm sure Gartner are way ahead of you on that! And yours for only £2500 + VAT

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Unhappy

Harry Beck

Poor Harry Beck. He must be turning in his grave with this abuse of his genius work.

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Re: Harry Beck

hear hear

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Re: Harry Beck

On the other hand, everyone gets the reference and (surely) nearly everyone knows that it was the inspired creation of one particular guy rather than a committee.

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missing info?

Which bits are shut at the weekend? and where do I have to mind the gap?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: missing info?

> Which bits are shut at the weekend? and where do I have to mind the gap?

The answer to both questions is the same, of course: between the analysts' ears.

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FAIL

Useless

There's no equivalent of Mornington Cresent between "Mobile App & Content Svs" and "UX Design" and is therefore useless.

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Go

Mornington Cresent

Agree with the dear chap above.

As an occasional player I was hoping for a full copy of the "Gartner Rules"...

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WTF?

Pass the aspirin

As it's from Gartner no doubt it will no doubt be picked up as an 'exemplar - must do' reason for getting cash into the wrong types of projects and hands of the wrong types of managers.

Real-Time Decisioning? Do Gartner not employ people who have any form of education in English Language? No doubt from'over the pond' - if so I wish they'd keep such bastardisations over there.

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Re: Pass the aspirin

"No doubt from'over the pond' - if so I wish they'd keep such bastardisations over there."

Yup. I'm afraid we East-Pondians gave up on proper English Language education a generation or two back. The only people who still care over here are those who do it as a hobby. Everyone else is dead.

By the way, shouldn't it be spelled "bastardizations" on your side?

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Why does the river go in a circle?

The junction labelled "DM HUB" looks like it's based on the worst features of the Northern Line nexus around Euston and Camden Town.

I thought the ochre dotted line was the Zone 3 boundary, but it seems to have stations on it, including "Smart Kiosks". If the kiosks were that smart they'd be on a train line.

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WTF?

Hang on....

Gartner, right?

Surely in that case, "Management consultants" should be scattered all over the thing like fleas on a dog rather than confined to three blobs in the bottom centre?

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...on the other hand

it makes it all the easier for the snipers.

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Anonymous Coward

I must complain about the picture caption

"Gartner's Digital Marketing Transmit Map. Click to enlarge so you can make sense of it"

I tried, it didn't help.

I've printed it off across several sheets of A3 and it still doesn't make sense. My offspring is having fun pushing toy cars around it though.

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Re: I must complain about the picture caption

"My offspring is having fun pushing toy cars around it though."

Congratulations on finding the only way in which it is useful.

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Notice the strange thing about the strategy line?

It barely makes it to the centre before disappearing into a morass of digital agencies and management consultants.

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Anonymous Coward

Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy

That planet where they shipped all the truly useless people always comes to mind when I hear anything about Gartner.

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Re: Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy

That planet was, of course, Earth. I'm not sure that's what you had in mind with your comment ...

On a serious note, who *are* Gartner, and why does El Reg seem to hang on their every word? Is there an ... unhealthy ... relationship there?

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Happy

Re: Hitch-hiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Gartner has been canny at making names for things that are real but not recognized. And El Reg finds many many neologisms to be proud of. Norks. Gosh. Do you never get a 'magic quadrant' investment jostle browsing about (your Script Arch browser extension starting to sneeze as you allow some Engadget script over Reg Hardware, say?) The thing is, C-level business sometimes very sensibly asks for their reports to answer questions like 'can I has designer VM flash market?' and 'So where are all the people I came for, then?' When people cannot afford the work and terms of Sterling, they hire Gartner.

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Hoxton to Shoreditch?

via wankers alley?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: wankers alley

Apparently there was once a Gropecunt Lane.

What a shame England got so prudish.

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