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back to article Gourmet chemists sniff out ultimate cheese on toast

The splendidly monikered British Cheese Board has launched a search for the "perfect cheese on toast formula" - a quest that will nicely complement our own efforts to nail the ultimate bacon sarnie and pinnacle of cha perfection. The board is seeking submissions from Brits, who have the chance to win "a top-of-the-range toasted …

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Happy

When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

For the Hestons amongst you, before adding the cheese, spread a layer of pesto on the toast, then add the cheese and some Worcestershire sauce. Works well with a good mature cheddar or tasty Lancashire cheese (not too hard or it doesn't melt properly).

I love cheese on toast.

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Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

@Smallbrainfield - you made me cry .. are you happy now :(

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Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

I don't know whether to be happy or not, why are you crying?

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WTF?

Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

Apparently, when pizza was first introduced to the UK in the 1950's, it was initially marketed as "Italian Welsh Rarebit".

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Re: When I'm feeling frisky, I like to add pepperoni under the cheese for that budget pizza taste.

Nah, toast the bread, spread a bit of marmite on it, put the cheese on, sling it under the grill until it just starts melting and then bung some worcestershire on top, chuck it back under until it crisps up a bit.

I could bloody murder a cheese on toast about now, or possibly a cheese, worcestershire sauce and baked bean toastie.

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Re: toast the bread, spread a bit of marmite on it, put the cheese on, sling it under the grill

That's it - thread over!

Everyone can go home now.

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MJI
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Re: toast the bread, spread a bit of marmite on it, put the cheese on, sling it under the grill

Poisonous

Do not poison it

Two of them

Marmite

AND

Baked farts

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

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Anonymous Coward

My version of cheese on toast : Make it in the grill, toast the bread on one side, perhaps lightly toast the other side oe leave it untoasted. Add slices of strong vintage cheddar to the non toasted / lightly toasted side and melt until it starts to brown. Then spread some HP sauce on it and sprinkle with white pepper.

This is how it should be done !

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Put two slices of bread into one slice of the toaster to toast the underside.

Crack two eggs in a bowl and beat until mixed

Add:

lots of Lee & Perrins

grated cheese

ketchup

black pepper.

Mix ingredients well in bowl

Spread thin layer of whole grain mustard on the untoasted side of the toast

Cover liberally with the cheese

Grill until bubbly

More black pepper

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FAIL

So, a foodie competition is to be judged by a chemist and a bunch of poets? Sounds about right...

FWIW, smallbrainfield's recipe sounds pretty good, but our national culinary skills must be a bit lacking if competitions have to be run to discover how to make cheese on toast!

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@James Pickett

>but our national culinary skills must be a bit lacking if competitions have to be run to discover how to make cheese on toast

Oh, listen to la-di-da know-it-all Pickett there. Personally I need a cook book even before attempting such a culinary feast, preferably one with pictures, as I can never quite remember whether the cheese goes on top or underneath.

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Re: @James Pickett

It depends, if you're a zuke it goes on top, if you're a Yook it goes on top, if you're a Zook it goes on bottom, those filthy uncultured zooks.

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Anonymous Coward

Been to a British* pub or restaurant lately? Cheese on toast is about the absolute limit of British cooking skill. Unless you want something that's been blasted in a microwave.

Dear god - you lot even manage to screw kebabs up, and that takes effort! It's like you are determined to eat the cheapest processed cat anuses (or whatever they use in those kebab monstrosities) rather than risk actual real food.

*That's if you can find anywhere selling British food and not sub-standard "Mediterranean inspired fusion" or some twaddle.

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Meh

Dear god - you lot even manage to screw kebabs up...

I beg to differ. The same elephant's-foot-onna-stick is used most places for the meat side of it. What I miss from Blighty is serious, arse-burning chilli sauce. You don't seem to be able to get that anywhere else.

Elsewhere in Europe you can actually taste the Doner meat. That's just wrong......

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Context is everything, so where are you from AC?

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Anonymous Coward

I am used to seeing real, actual meat on the spit. Not processed cat anus. I have only ever seen the processed cat anus log used in the UK.

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Joke

@TeeCee

What I miss from Blighty is serious, arse-burning chilli sauce. You don't seem to be able to get that anywhere else.

I think they banned shipping such chemical weapons outside the borders of the Sceptred Isle under some UN convention or other. Either that or some of our politicians would use them (or the search for them) as an excuse to go to war with someone.

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I have actually had *real* kebabs, in Cyprus --- gyros, they're called there. Fresh pitta (I didn't even know you could get it fresh), real salad, loads of tahini, and named meat made out of actual muscle tissue. God those things are nice. The British elephant's leg is a joke in comparison.

A country's fast food says a lot about the place. Cyprus has gyros; Britain has starch fried in lard; and the US has deep fried butter...

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Pint

You dodged the issue of where you're from nicely there..

You can get real meat kebabs in the UK, used to go to a place in Sheffield that did amazing lamb kebabs with big chunks of lamb, mmmmmm.

Sounds like most of your English eating experiences have been post-pub. When your hangover subsides, have a look round and there are some fabulous eating places in GB.

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Real salad? Yeah, because in the kebabs in the UK, the salad isn't 'real'.

What does that even mean?

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"I am used to seeing real, actual meat on the spit."

OK, so you're not American then. I wonder where you are from since elephant's foots are ubiquitous; I've seen them in Paris FFS. Actually I quite like the way the German's eat donor meat: in a big bread roll or rolled up in a tortilla.

@Smallbrainfield: Yeah Sheffield has some very nice Turkish restaurants.

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I am used to seeing real, actual meat on the spit.

Look at the Shish rather than the Doner then, you prat.

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I quite like the way the German's eat donor meat

The doner kebab seems to have been invented in Germany, although the inventor was probably Turkish.

Incidentally, it's doner, not donor. "Donor kebabs" are what they make from bits of organ donors.

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Re: You dodged the issue of where you're from nicely there..

You can get real meat kebabs in the UK, used to go to a place in Sheffield that did amazing lamb kebabs with big chunks of lamb, mmmmmm.

You can get quality meat kebabs in almost every single kebab house in the UK, just stop ordering doner, get yourself a nice shish kebab.

The Greek gyros is good, but is commonly pork, where as in the UK most kebab shops are run by Muslims and so tend to offer lamb/chicken instead of pork/chicken. If anyone knows a good greek gyros place in London...

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Anonymous Coward

"I have actually had *real* kebabs, in Cyprus --- gyros"

Yup, made with real meat. Had them recently. That's also shawarma which are an Arabian version of same. Once again, made with real meat.

If the UK can't even get a kebab right, what hope is there for anything else?

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Anonymous Coward

"Look at the Shish rather than the Doner then, you prat."

Or how about you lot stop selling processed cat anus and calling it "meat". Or, just like most Brits, if it's cheap you don't give a shit. I guess that explains why you lot caused BSE!

Look up shawarmas or gyros to get an idea of what REAL kebabs are like and stop speaking from total, pig, ignorance.

Sheesh!

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Anonymous Coward

"OK, so you're not American then."

Damned straight, partner.

"I wonder where you are from since elephant's foots are ubiquitous; I've seen them in Paris FFS."

All over. Which is why I despair at the UK sometimes, I really do.

Maybe I should jack IT in and start selling proper kebabs? Oh wait, Brits won't tolerate food unless it is cheap and quality costs. Not huge amounts to be fair, but I would still be undercut by provenders of cat anus. Any you lot just love that it seems!

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Anonymous Coward

Distinct hatred for the brits, no manners, continually spouting crap as fact.

My bets are they're either Scottish, or Dutch, maybe Italian.

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Childcatcher

Gyros etc

Yeh! Gyros are good. I met them in Germany from an expat Cypriot running a takeaway. Magic. Fresh pitta: make them yourself: see Paul Hollywood.

Anyway all of this is a million miles from the ultimate cheesie:

Bread: thick cut wholemeal toasted crisp.

Cheese: cover with Stilton crumbled over (must be Stilton nothing else will do).

Melt under a very hot grill.

You can if you like add sliced tomato and basil and/ or chilli flakes (the chillies must be British to).

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Scot are Brits. Well unless that prat Salmond gets his way.

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FAIL

There was a man from the Vulture

Known for his rocket balloon sculpture

He said, I won't boast

But even better is some toast

Covered with a thin layer of milk culture.

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WTF?

Definitions

Since I'm not British, is cheese on toast the same thing as a grilled cheese, or are they just culinary cousins?

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Re: Definitions

Depends if the grilled cheese is served on toast or not, but quite probably. It's also the basic version of Welsh Rarebit, although those can tend to be a little more fancy in terms of ingredients, such as Worcestershire sauce.

Definitely one for the post-pub culinary deathmatch series though (if it hasn't been already - it's been too long).

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Re: Definitions

The French call it a croque-monsieur, although that also involves ham.

I think in America they call it "Cheese toast", missing the "on" for some reason.... reminded me of this travesty: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plCNjB_IIo0

Any other local/worldwide definitions out there??

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Re: Definitions

Croque-madame has pineapple on top instead of the ham. Or sometimes as well as. But both are an excellent accompaniment to beer.

Don't you have to make some sort of sauce to do Welsh Rarebit, making it count as cooking. Also the stuff goes on cold bread, whereas with cheese on toast you should have already toasted the bread before the cheese goes on for the last minute of melting.

I wonder if some sort of port and Worcester sauce based sauce would be nice with cheese on toast? Ketchup is great, or just on its own, but surely port and cheese will always work together?

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Re: Definitions

I've never had Welsh Rarebit, but cow orker says that it's supposed to be toast topped with a mixture of grated cheese and something else (such as mayonnaise or chutney) rather than just slices of cheese.

Hmm. Must try that one day.

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Re: Definitions

Cow Orker smash! Cow Orker misplaced cheese grater again!

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Happy

Re: Definitions

croque-madame is with egg not pineapple. the french would be horrified by pineapple! ;)

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@Johnny G

"I think in America they call it 'Cheese toast', "

I have never heard that name used, though it could be a regional name, such as the various names for sandwiches on baguette-style bread (Sub, Grinder, Hoagie, and so-forth.)

Assuming "Cheese on Toast" (which sounds like it could be a little hamlet somewhere) is a literal description of the sandwich, we call this a "Grilled Cheese." Generally such a sandwich is "traditionally" made from white bread, buttered on the outside, one or two slices of cheese in the middle (most commonly American or Cheddar), and then heated on a griddle until properly colored (golden brown) and the cheese nicely melted. Often served with tomato soup.

If you stick a hamburger patty and grilled onions in there it's called a "Patty Melt."

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Re: Definitions

Two ways with Welsh Rarebit:

- mix grated cheese with flavourings such as mustard, Worcestershire sauce and cayenne pepper, spread it on toast and grill

- cook up grated cheese in a pan with beer (plus additional flavourings as above), pour it over the toast when melted, then grill it

For some reason the Welsh used to be famous for their preference for toasted cheese. There's a Medieval anecdote that alleges Welsh midwives use the smell of toasted cheese to tempt out reluctant Welsh babies.

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Unhappy

Re:"It's also the basic version of Welsh Rarebit"

Go to the back of the class!, Cheese on toast is in no way like Welsh Rabbit, (well apart from the cheese aspect). They are totally different disciplines.

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Re: @Johnny G

From your description, a "grilled cheese" is an actual cheese sandwich that is then grilled. Cheese on Toast is *not* a sandwich. It's a single slice of toasted bread, which then has cheese applied _to one side_, and then grilled until the cheese is melting.

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Pint

Re: @Johnny G

Ah, indeed. I don't believe there is an American equivalent dish to that.

I'm sure plenty of people eat such a thing, but as far as I know there's no special name for it.

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Ffordian

Sounds like something out of Jasper Fforde - the perfect companion to the Toast Marketing Board.

But certainly thumbs-up for the clever double-meaning name as well :)

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Re: Ffordian

I seem to remember it was the Cheese Marketing Board in the 80s who did those adverts where they made the union flag out of different coloured cheeses. Although it was a round, cheese-shaped one of course.

And they had the celebs doing little lines to camera, then biting into a bit. I knew I hadn't imagined this, everything is on Youtube nowadays: Ken Livingstone linky.

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FAIL

Re: Ffordian

*British* Cheese Marketing Board? So no X-Prize for best in show? Bother.

Another underfunded marketing effort...

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At table with a lovely young filly,

Trying to impress without looking silly,

I said I don't like to boast,

But I make great cheese on toast.

Would you like a mouthful of my... Piccalilli?

Hmmmm? Not sure about this poetry lark. I don't think it's my strong point. Anyway the secret to the best cheese on toast is a mature cheddar, and to put baked beans on top of it. Just before eating each slice, so as not to get it soggy. Then you get lovely crunchy, cheesy, beany, tomato saucey bites of goodness.

I don't know why the prize is a toasty maker though. Surely the toasty is a completely different taste experience to the cheese on toast. My favourite being the egg toasty, You need one that seals the edges well, and has quite deep depressions in the pan. Then whack in your bread, drop the egg in, get the other slice on top double-quick, slam the lid down and hold really tight to avoid the egg spilling out the sides. Once the seal is formed round the toasty you can let the pressure up and cook as normal. Due to the butter on the outside of the bread you get a sort of combined fried/poached egg effect, and it's amazing with ketchup. Whereas the perfect cheese toasty has ham in it as well.

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Anonymous Coward

Ain't no poet neither

At a table with a lovely young filly,

Trying to impress without looking silly,

I said, don't like to boast,

I make great cheese on toast.

Would you like a mouthful of .. Piccalilli?

HTH - Think it scans a tad better

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Re: Ain't no poet neither

I'd consider most of these limericks more than poems.

There once was a pretty young filly

to impress without looking too silly

I said, not to boast

I make great cheese on toast

Would you like a mouthfull of my... Piccalilli.

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