back to article ... time machine. Iranian Dr Who claims he invented a ...

Not content with letting North Korea get all the “we're sooooo bad” headlines this week, fellow rogue nation Iran has let it be known one of its resident boffins has invented a time machine. And then deleted the story in state-run media that brought the world news of the gadget. The “time machine” in question wasn't of the “ …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    Oh boy.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    ......

    1. James Micallef Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

      Does Iran have a different date for April Fool's Day?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

      I *knew* you'd say that. Whe I win the lottery tonight, you'll see who is laughing.

  2. Esskay
    Facepalm

    Surely at some point

    The person writing must have sat back, looked at the story and thought "maybe I need to tone it down *just* a little"...

  3. Katie Saucey
    Coffee/keyboard

    Wow

    Seems legit. I wonder how many people will go for the "well since I've shown you the future, we've changed the future! therefor I wasn't wrong with my stock predictions...etc" explanation, or if his device told him that within 6 months there's a 98% chance he'll be finally meeting Allah.

  4. Steven Roper

    Muad'Dib has arrived!

    As the great Frank Herbert pointed out, the ability to see the future collapses the future to the observed state, so it seems that Iran finally has their Kwisatz Haderach.

    Next up, Muad'Dib's Jihad establishes the One True Faith over the entire world, locking in the future he and his Iranian compatriots have forseen, until his son Leto II arrives to free us all with his Golden Path.

    And even far Gangishree isnt far enough... anyone want to join the Scattering with me?

    1. DrTechnical

      Re: Muad'Dib has arrived!

      Excellent Post!

    2. cortland

      Re: Muad'Dib has arrived!

      <p>

      But he has (ick) ~worms~!</p>

  5. Robert E A Harvey

    Skegness got there first!

    Havn't we seen this before? Sounds like Zoltar!

    http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f185/quadrophan/zoltar.jpg

    1. ThomH

      Re: Skegness got there first!

      Iran wishes it were big?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Interesting

    They must think the recent test of downing drones with a laser was science fiction so they had to make up their own cool story. Anyone in the war market knows that laser and its follow-on products are going to change warfare forever. It took to the count of 3 for the surface of the drone to get hot enough to start burning even with air rushing across the surface. I don't know how you say Holy Shit in Persian, but every Iranian general uttered it when they saw those videos. Beams of light instead of bullets to the mid evil mind is the far-fetched equivalent of a time machine. So, I guess we're even now. Ohp, except one is real and I'll leave it up to the readers to decide which one.

    1. P. Lee
      Boffin

      Re: Interesting

      LASERs: all fun and games until someone makes their drone shiny.

      1. Steve Brooks

        Re: Interesting

        As pointed out by a famous science ficiton writer, if you have a green laser painting something green wil result in less absorption of energy. Now what colour where the US lasers? Ah yes infared, when you come up with infrared paint let Iran know will you?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Interesting

          Not a problem. Lots of things are reflective in the IR range. Just because you want to reflect IR, doesn't mean you need to be non-reflective to other wavelengths. There's a device called a hot mirror in every digital camera that reflects IR light. Also, astronomers have been using mirrors to reflect all kinds of wavelengths for ages. So, reflecting IR isn't a problem.

          What may be a problem for the Laser weapons people is the retroreflector. I'd love to see a weapons grade laser fired at a retroreflector.

          1. Graham Dawson Silver badge

            Re: Interesting

            No reflective surface is 100% efficient. All it'll do is slow down the effect. Maybe sufficiently to prevent damage, maybe not, but I'd be tempted to say maybe not given that a laser can have its wattage upped with relative ease.

      2. Hein-Pieter van Braam
        Pirate

        Re: Interesting

        On the other hand: Your drones will be very shiny, I think that is a problem, no matter what wavelength they are shiny in. Haven't we just spent the last 60 years or so trying to make our flying military gear NOT shiny to microwaves? :)

      3. DrTechnical

        Re: Interesting

        It better be really really really shiny, a la Larry Niven's Stasis Generator field, or it will be vapor after a very little while...

        1. NomNomNom

          Re: Interesting

          Lasers will be far more expensive than the drones. Send in 100 drones. Lasers are going to have trouble shooting down an entire swarm, especially low flying swarms.

  7. southpacificpom

    Apple will no doubt be suing the Iranian doctor as "Time Machine" is a trademark of theirs.

    1. NomNomNom

      Apple are already suing Iran for infringing the trademark of Apple's new running machine

  8. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    If you know any really gullable governments

    I have a machine that detects secret messages to terrorists hidden in Al Jazeera broadcasts. It could be modified to detect secret messages to US agents hidden in Fox news

  9. Two Posts
    Terminator

    A FanEloi writes...

    I have a time machine that works as well as this Iranian device, it is much smaller, spherical and made of quartz.

    I will admit this device is a little expensive to run as the touch interface is powered by silver and for some reason only I am able to see the results.

    Perhaps El Reg could set up a psychic projects bureau and have a regular column of future predictions from this device, it has to be worth it if only to generate click bait articles on future Apple products.

    (Terminator for the time travel reference)

  10. Dazed and Confused

    Re: pledging to set up its own Arabic,..

    Sounds suspicious, in my experience call an Iranian Arabic results in a reaction that make calling the Librarian a monkey look mild in comparison.

    1. The Librarian

      Re: pledging to set up its own Arabic,..

      Ook?

      1. tonysmith

        Re: pledging to set up its own Arabic,..

        Iranians are Persians, not Arabs. The two groups don't like each other - at least on a political level. So saying that they'll set up an Arabic version of xyz may cause issues.

  11. Throatwobbler Mangrove
    Holmes

    Are you suggesting that the entire Iranian military-theological-industrial complex is in fact a massive exercise in Scifi LARPing?

    (Holmes, because Steampunk)

  12. Khaptain Silver badge

    Looking into the past

    Has anyone considerd that looking into the past would be just as exciting.... think about it .

    1. BeerTokens
      Go

      Re: Looking into the past

      You just need a mirror in space pointing at the area you want to watch in the past.

      Times and distance are all relative!

      Imagine watching the GP live four hours after it happened.

      You could just time shift on your PVR but where's the fun in that.

  13. Putters
    Windows

    Professor Pinero ?

    The process sounds remarkably like that of Mr Heinlein's 1939 creation ...

    Wiki : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life-Line

    1. DrTechnical

      Re: Professor Pinero ?

      See also Arthur C Clark's, "The Light of Other Days". One of the best Time Viewer stories ever!

  14. Jonathon Desmond
    Mushroom

    Iranians == Persians != Arabs

    "Dazed and Confused" is correct. The Iranians are Persians, not Arabs (although some Arabs do, of course, live there), and they speak Persian (Farsi), not Arabic.

    Ever call a Kiwi an Aussie? Well, multiply that reaction by about 10 megatons. For example, the Iranian Government refuses overfly rights to airlines who refer to "The Persian Gulf" as "The Arabian Gulf" in their on-board systems.

    However, 'Wired' refers to Iran claiming to set up it's own *Islamist* version of Google Earth, which sounds more accurate.

  15. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Stop this faggotry worthwith

    "fellow rogue nation Iran"

    Iran is declared "rogue" in "the West"'s"Press Declarations Meant For Useful Idiots because the far-right government of Israel thinks it needs to perpetually play the nation scheduled for holocaustation and buys political influence via brown envelopes from the military superpower one continent away. There are also quite a few oil-related interests as in "who will be the next regional power", Saudi Arabia, Iran or US?

    Otherwise it would be about as "rogue" as Pakistan. Quite a lot less actually.

    1. Alister
      Headmaster

      Re: Stop this faggotry worthwith

      Umm... Forthwith, Shirley?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stop this faggotry worthwith

      Why is it that I suspect that some of Iran's bad press amongst the masses across the Atlantic is due simply to it being only 1 letter away from Iraq?

      They'd reduce the US public's support of an Israeli attack on them overnight if they changed their name to Saudi Irania.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Stop this faggotry worthwith

        "Why is it that I suspect that some of Iran's bad press amongst the masses across the Atlantic is due simply to it being only 1 letter away from Iraq?"

        Not The Nine O'Clock News, Rowan Atkinson shows the Iran/Iraq map, swapping the two countries arms and finally the last letter of each name!

    3. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: Stop this faggotry worthwith

      "Stop this faggotry"?

      Iran's already trying pretty hard.

  16. Steady Eddy
    Joke

    I bought a time machine next week

    It's not very good. They don't make them like they will do.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gone quiet

    'Seeing the future' = 'Divination'. Smells like the work of the Devil to me. Perhaps he thought better of it.

    Or perhaps he's gone quiet because no matter how far forward he looked he could never find a time when the whole world was embracing the One True Religion.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Published a week late

    if they really had a time machine they would have submitted the story a week earlier to hit 1st a bit more accurately. I think this sat on someone's desk for too long before making it into print...

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My time machine can see into the future too, the only problem is the time it takes to generate the image is directly related to how far forward you want to look, the ratio is approximately 1:1.

  20. Neil B
    Facepalm

    From the first Iraq invasion, when Iraq released footage of a beaming Sadam patting the heads of western hostages he was using as human shields, I am continually amazed at how infantile these dictatorships' efforts at propaganda look from a western point of view. The Photoshops and laughable rhetoric coming out of Korea in the last few months have done nothing to change my mind.

  21. trashbat
    Thumb Up

    Great news

    This could take them as far forward as 1987.

  22. Arachnoid
    Facepalm

    So the column was pulled from the papers oy vey iz mir.....you would have thought he would have seen that coming .

  23. Potemkine Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Iran? Arabic??

    I thought Iran was mostly persian, not arabic...

    1. cortland
      Pint

      Re: Iran? Arabic?? GUM Arabic?

      <p>

      One man's mead is another man's persian, er, poisson. Right?.</p>

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sounds utmost unlikely

    The kind of machine they're talking about would require an up time of the required 5-8 years and be able to encode sequences of subatomic particles where the sequences at most go back in time at a fraction of a second in any one instance (and keep doing this while maintaining the integrity of the data it is trying to send back to its earlier self). The protocols for achieving this without causing collisions with data being sent back from the machine's future self are going to be interesting.

    I'm sure a lot of secret research has been done into creating such an oracle but I'm deeply sceptical about it ever being achieved (a one shot, early warning system in the event of a sudden, looming catastrophe, perhaps)?

  25. Schultz

    I got one of those machines at home...

    but it can't predict the social stuff, only what day it'll be somewhere in the future.

    Where can I collect my reward?

  26. John H Woods Silver badge
    Boffin

    Time machine:

    Please select:

    My wealth / income places me in

    a) the top 1%

    b) the remaining 99%

    Five year forecast:

    a) things will get better for you

    b) things will get worse for you

    Thank you for using my time machine.

  27. Arachnoid

    Thank you for using my time machine.

    Maybe its just a redesigned electronic magic 8 ball for Kim to make decisions with

    Will NK Launch a nuke against the US or Japan?

    ● It is certain

    ● It is decidedly so

    ● Without a doubt

    ● Yes – definitely

    ● You may rely on it

    ● As I see it, yes

    ● Most likely

    ● Outlook good

    ● Yes

    ● Signs point to yes

    ● Reply hazy, try again

    ● Ask again later

    ● Better not tell you now

    ● Cannot predict now

    ● Concentrate and ask again

    ● Don't count on it

    ● My reply is no

    ● My sources say no

    ● Outlook not so good

    ● Very doubtful

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Thank you for using my time machine.

      Really spooky that CSS/HTML on here shows "Reply hazy..." in the exact spot the hazy faded lettering starts!

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