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back to article Revealed: Vendors’ worst sales fluff

Reg readers often show little love for analysts, labelling them over-priced prognosticators with tenuous ties to reality. But a new Gartner blog post on "Useless Sales Pitch Slides" may win back some favour, as it reveals the six worst pieces of meaningless marketing messaging vendors put before the firm, and those to whom they …

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Joke

Sales??

Well, out people who have a global presence have an end-to-end offering that our solution provider who is a trusted partner for our clients will be focused on business value-add with our common solution provider.

All this seems very obvious to me. Do I get the contract??

Sorry, I couldn't resist, being close to April 1. For those playing at home with the latest version of "buzzword bingo", please keep score at your next presentation.

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Joke

Re: Sales??

"out people"????

Are they gay, or outdoorsy folk?

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Re: Sales??

Probable muted by android every helpful spelling munger.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Sales??

Are they gay, or outdoorsy folk?

Bushwhackers? :)

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One phrase which is guaranteed to make me tune out is "our mission statement is...". In other words all the bollocks they value in their company culture but never live up to - pack of twats.

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If a company has to say that a piece of prose is it's a mission statement (rather than just saying what it does) , then they have already gone down in my estimation.

I'm not expecting English Literature in a company's brochures or website, but ordinary plain English Language would do.

(shouldn't be one to talk - I got a B in the former but only a C in the latter when I took my O-levels. And in the former I answered the question about Macbeth without having read the text only going en masse with the class to see the Polanski film)

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Happy

Analysts Analyzed

I'd like to see Gartner do an analysis of analysts to determine the biggest bullshit terms they use.

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Re: Analysts Analyzed

I'm sure we, as a trusted partner for our clients, can provide an end-to-end offering to show our focus on business value-add. The global presence of our people means we are the ideal solution provider for your meta-analysis needs.

(Not actually from Gartner, but it's scary that that sounds almost familiar.)

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Re: Analysts Analyzed

Yo Dawg, I am analysing your analysis of your Analysts so you can analyse your analysys' whilst doing analysis of your analysing.

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Re: Analysts Analyzed

You guys are spelling it wrong!!!!!!!

It should be spelled:

ANALysts

Get the difference????

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Flame

Unfortunately...

"There buzzwords are out"

is usually a precursor to

"These buzzwords are in".

Waiting to be "positively incorporated" into the next "target-oriented vocabulary" any moment now...

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Lousy list

They left out "exceed your expectations". When I see that I don't expect much more than flatworms.

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Re: Lousy list

I'm possibly not spending as much time as I used to with consultants*, but I haven't heard these phrases in YEARS:

- Turnkey solution

- Centre of excellence (usually a large hall filled with people who shouldn't be touching stuff).

* Happiness all around.

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Holmes

Be Advised that we have Good Results On Target, which is Outstanding.

I think that's actually straight from the Total Quality Management Manual. I had a course in this.

Consider:

"The Fundamental Concepts of Excellence are the underlying principles of the EFQM Excellence Model which are the essential foundation of achieving Sustainable Excellence for any organisation. They can be used as the basis to describe the attributes of an excellent organisational culture. They also serve as a common language for senior management."

Sounds better than "bunch of pretty general good system-oriented practices [see Deming and Wiener], some of which you may even manage to implement so that customer buy more from you and you don't fuck up your reputation or violate property rights".

The ones about sustainable future etc. just went too far. Who is to decide? Greens? Feminists? A boardroom oracle? Bring out the joss sticks. Confusingly, the course attendants did not seem to see any logical or economic problem with such progressive statements.

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Re: Be Advised that we have Good Results On Target, which is Outstanding.

Of course the holy grail of TQM wankwordiness is ISO 9001 certification, which appears to be a way that dubious offshore developers can try to persuade me that their caged monkeys on homemade PCs running pirated copies of Windows XP home are going to provide 'plenty goodness and much cheapness'.

In the last 15 years I've been running a business, the only company that ever managed to pay one of our invoices to the *wrong* company (a sister company on another continent) was ISO 9001 certified. But to be fair, I am sure they documented the screw up very well.

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Pint

Re: Be Advised that we have Good Results On Target, which is Outstanding.

Actually, ISO9001 is more about controlling specific processes (basically define your process and implement the feeback mechanisms; the ISO9001 manual can be used as a somewhat relevant checklist but I recommend at least learning about BPMN or UML activity diagrams), and TQM is the "holistic" agenda (always vague but opens the door for gurus of various couleurs). Both are not actually on the same level.

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It's just no challenge playing Wank Word Bingo anymore...

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Unhappy

Also missing in action...

Outcomes, stakeholders, result-orientated, taking ownership, our human capital, leverage (especially when pronounced 'levverige') , etc, etc, ad nauseum.

While there are doubtless sales guys out there who care, most in my experience are just trying to flog the tatt de jour to get their commission. If it happens to coincide with a customer's requirements, well that's a plus.

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the Reg Hack is too kind...

"labelling them over-priced prognosticators with tenuous ties to reality."

Is about the most politically-correct, gender-neutral, polite description of the real sentiment to "Sales" , and for that matter "Anal-ists" you see here.

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Actually I've seen "Trusted Partner" seen used by a customer

It's the usual reply you get when you ask people why they use .net or Silverlight.

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Facepalm

In other news

The X Market will be Y big in Z years.

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Boffin

Re: In other news

But does X² + Y² = Z² ?

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Anonymous Coward

Mean while - if you go to the original article on the garner site, & click on the synopsis - Mr Jester has written a "helpful" document called "Marketing Essentials:Creating Effective Sales Presentations". In the blurb used to pitch, centre stage, the phrase "goal oriented". A phase curiously absent from his list....

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Meh

Hang em..

High time they came out with another...Executive speak blurb on people changes, results and financial statements. Every time I read the words 'execute' or 'execution' .....I throw up.

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My bad...

My typing is bad. Please: s/out/our/

Thanks.

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Trollface

Another phrase to get rid of:

"Face time". (icon seemed appropriate).

I've got a manager that repeatedly talks of Face Time - not getting enough, needing more, scheduling some in - ironically, usage of the phrase is a good way of ensuring that no-one wants to give him any.

For more phrases that need to be restructured going forward, see "Death Sentences" and "Weasel Words" By Don Watson.

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Pint

Re: Another phrase to get rid of:

Have an upvote for the Don Watson reference!

Have a refreshing ale, too.

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Vendor's Best Value

What might Rolf Jester's (Gartner) view be of 'meaningful' differentiators ?

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Hype cycle

Years ago I created a hype cycle of Gartner buzzwords. Phrases had to climb the Peak of Blank Incomprehension and descend to the Trough of Endless Repetition, before finally reaching the Plateau of Weary Acceptance.

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