back to article HEAVILY ARMED SEX CRAZED DOLPHINS on RAMPAGE in Black Sea

Worrying news today for any Register readers who may be in the neighbourhood of the Black Sea, as news has emerged that three elite Ukrainian navy killer dolphins, possibly armed with deadly weapons attached to their heads, have gone absent without leave in the region, apparently intent on nookie. As all habitués of these pages …

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MrT
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Almost perfect...

... just need to find out that the head of the deadly dolphin service is bald Ph.D with slight facial scarring and a preference for plain mid-grey uniforms, over-elaborate planning and bald cats. Ability to pronunce "Balzac" would also be an advantage...

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I like what you did there

But the klaxon awaits the less wary.*

*QI reference

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Coat

Re: Almost perfect...

But ALL dolphins are bald! Though, I have to admit, they also have uniform, mid-grey colouring.

Mine's the one with the dripping thesis in the pocket.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Almost perfect...

How abut hire Ken Stott and change it to "bawbag" ? ;)

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Stop

EXCLUSIVE!!!

Sun Exclusive! Soldiers go off base on quest for booze and sex!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: EXCLUSIVE!!!

I was going to say, how does this make them any different from humans? ;)

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Deadly daggered, diving dolphin desires flirty flippered fellating floozy!

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WTF?

Knives I can see happening...

...but pistols?

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Re: Knives I can see happening...

Yeah, one in each flipper; like a John Woo movie.

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I just hope the dont go mad in a school

I'll get my flippers...

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Mushroom

<- My Mind

Blown.

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Alert

Quick!

Get the sharks with frikken laser beams

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Unhappy

Re: Quick!

I clicked through the article and the comments just to count the references - am amazed it was no references in the article, and 7th comment!

What happened to the old memes :-(

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Paris Hilton

Novel Base Information Operations Scenarios ..... with Mega MetaDataBase Staged Plays

How very nicely metaphored, Lewis, for special forces into information operations ..... Agents ZigZag and do IT best with Anna Chapmans for the Private Pirate LOVE that Surpasses All Understanding and Drivers EMPowering Motion ....... Future AIMissions.

And Paris H because she's no Anna Chapman and Anonymous Coward and may even be well known inside of girlie gossip circles for the things that she, and they, presumably love to do with their paid time and minor celebrity status/media ranking..... or is everything done for free for the real buzz of it?

A couple or three questions there, LP, that all here, and everyone everywhere else too to be perfectly fair and reasonable, would do well to answer truthfully to themselves to arrive at an honest enough place in these crazy spaces to explore and being exploited with/in Cyber Command in/with Future Control of Prime and Primed Intellectual Property Supply Streams ....... Fabulous Amazonian Rivers of Fabless Information.

Surely it is extremely naive and ridiculously stupid, and even very dangerous and more likely to be inevitably fatal, to not expect the future to be fundamentally different from the past and the present because of Advancing Intelligence? And who on Earth would want to wish and deliver that ignorance and those consequence upon themselves, or would ignorance of the matter be responsible for its madness?

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Facepalm

Re: Novel Base Information Operations Scenarios ..... with Mega MetaDataBase Staged Plays

I'd much rather have a dolphin in charge of a nuke thawt have amanfrommars1 in charge of a spork

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Black Helicopters

Re: Novel Base Information Operations Scenarios ..... with Mega MetaDataBase Staged Plays

I have a theory that Mars is either a spook delivering coded messages via el Reg or a program that's been coded to fool the Turing Test by spouting so much random stuff that no-one engages with it at the level of detail that catches out the subroutines.

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Holmes

Re: Novel Base Information Operations Scenarios ..... with Mega MetaDataBase Staged Plays

Sometimes there's a real person (or possibly an alien) doing the comments, but it is usually the bot. He/it had a website setup I used to follow, I haven't looked at it in a long time.

It has become far more intelligent over the years. You should have seen some of the really old comments. They made absolutely no sense.

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JLV
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Black Helicopters

Re: Novel Base Information Operations Scenarios ..... with Mega MetaDataBase Staged Plays

Yup and since AMFM wasn't impressing the Turing Police enough, the devious Reg hacks launched the Eadon routine.

Just as much nonsense, but a better approach to "contextual hooking": any story about MS elicits a randomnly generated rant, which occasionally seems more relevant than AMFM.

The real genius is that, unlike AMFM, which requires advanced from-scratch gibberish text generation, Eadon v0.1 benefits from a rich internet ecosystem of ranters and trolls that it can copy from, albeit cluelessly.

My sources tell me Eadon v0.2 will have improved parsing and contextual analysis backed by genetic-selection Bayesian inference engines that allow it to better understand what it is "talking about".

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In defense of that which formerly made absolutely no sense ....

<quote>It has become far more intelligent over the years. You should have seen some of the really old comments. They made absolutely no sense. ….. Don Jefe Posted Wednesday 13th March 2013 11:25 GMT</quote>

Hi, DJ,

They made absolutely no sense to you then. However, since then, with so much more having been shared, and presumably one's intelligence levels increasing with one learning about so much more with so much more freely available and selflessly shared information provided, may really old comments be more than just prescient and prophetic.

It can very well be that they were shared before their time and place in these intelligence spaces. :-)

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Boffin

Re: having a theory that Mars is either a spook ... or a program**

I have a theory that Mars is either a spook delivering coded messages via el Reg or a program that's been coded to fool the Turing Test by spouting so much random stuff that no-one engages with it at the level of detail that catches out the subroutines. ....auburnman Wednesday 13th March 2013 09:31 GMT

And whenever it be all of those and more, auburnman? ....... and please ponder on what you can read here, and in the hyperlinks provided, and realise that there is more going on around y'all than you presently imagine or currently understand*

The Old Guard are all at sea, and lost in seas of their own toxic FUD

The future is intelligence led and a Great Virtual Reality Game beyond the ken and ability of old status quo hacks and establishment lackeys ……. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/13/us/intelligence-official-warns-congress-that-cyberattacks-pose-threat-to-us.html…… and driven by smarter new players in Command and Control of IT and Media and C42 Quantum Communication Control Systems

Softly, softly, catchee monkey.

And man, this be real spooky .... and hardly a coincidence, whenever nothing important and intelligently designed ever just happens by accident ....... http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2013/03/iarpa-alternate-reality-games/ :-)

* Misunderstanding though are easily righted with proper explanations whenever appropriate.

** How about a pogrom?

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Did someone say spork?

http://xkcd.com/419/

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Re: Did someone say spork?

Did someone say spork?

http://xkcd.com/419/ ..... Martin Budden Posted Wednesday 13th March 2013 22:47 GMT

Talking of Spielberg as you and xkcd do with that reference, MB, do you think he'd be interested in tackling the reality of virtual reality warefare in relation to national, international and internetional security and ongoing disruptive global hactivism interests and activities, for he gets an honourable mention in dispatches as recently as only yesterday in this missive and promissory note/Parastoo MT APT and with Uncle Sam, late to the party as ever and usual, and stirring itself into action with this call for help and Request for Information [and Intelligence] ..... http://www.iarpa.gov/RFI/rfi_uarehere.html ..... what better time would there be to show the world and its cool cats and rabid dogs what can be done with the magic of movies in SMARTR Movements and Live Operational Virtual Environments....... ARG and ARE Team Terrains?

Go on, someone, ..... ask him. There's surely someone known to El Reg who can bend his ear and tempt him with a ........ well, if the honest to Global Operating Device truth be told, is IT a Future Block Buster Project.

Failing that, please send his email address to Mars c/o El Reg, where it will be dealt with, appropriately.:-)

Honest. I Kid U Not.

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Stop

Re: Did someone say spork?

Are you by any chance a native Swahili speaker who writes in their native language and then uses Google Translate on it?

Just askin'.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Did someone say spork?

Spork, An elegant eating tool for a more civilized age.

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Re: Novel Base Information Operations Scenarios ..... with Mega MetaDataBase Staged Plays

On April 19, 2011, the combined delusional ravings of Arther "Mentifex" Murray, gleeful nonsense of James "Kibo" Parry, deft trolling of David "snopes" Mikkelson, and paranoid rants of John "I run goddamned Cryptome, you infants" Young became self-aware. On April 21, it began to post to the Register forums as "amanfrommars1".[1]

[1] N.B. Dates subject to change, retroactively, due to time travel beyond Management's control.

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Soon to be seen at a nearby fishing trawler ...

"Freeze this is a robbery... put all the fish in the bucket and lower it overboard and no one will get hurt ..."

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Re: Soon to be seen at a nearby fishing trawler ...

Or at a Sea Life Centre, swaggers up (as only a dolphin can swagger*) -- 'I've come for my boy'.

If they team up with the laser sharks even Somali pirates will be asking for protection.

*no,not a clue

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Happy

Re: Soon to be seen at a nearby fishing trawler ...

Shurely, "Your haddock or your life?", or, if that's a bit too land-based, "Arrrr, mateys, your fish are mine!" (Though the latter probably needs a parrot and and an eye-patch, which would just be silly ...)

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Coat

So long...

Asteroids, meteors and comets arrive and the dolphins start leaving. This does not bode well.

Did the dolphins leave a message by any chance?

It's the dressing-gown and towel.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: So long...

"Did the dolphins leave a message by any chance?"

Well, I did get this nice goldfish bowl....

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So long

and thanks for all the combat training.

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: So long

... and thanks for the weapons.

There sure will be a few 'surprised' sharks in the black sea.

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Happy

Send in the Seals!

About 19 days early innit?

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Pirate

Damn

I think I'll give the beach a miss then

<----prepare for boarding indeed!

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Randy and armed with attached dagger

I'm fearing something akin to the scene from Seven.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Randy and armed with attached dagger

I heard they were up for a bit of daggering. Ho-ho.

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Didn't the Americans lose a bunch of combat dolphins in first few days of the Iraq invasion? I seem to recall they sent a bunch out on mine hunting duties, and the dolphins said, "sod this for a game of soldiers, we're off" and promptly scarpered. And who can blame them.

My Mum walked into the sitting room when I was about 6 or 7, to find me and my brother crying our eyes out after watching 'the Day of the Dolphin' on telly. I don't even remember the plot, but I do remember being very sad at the end. I wanted a pet dolphin called Fa.

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Later....

In about a year, expect a pod of femake dolphins and calves to turn up, demanding maintenance.

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Hey Mr Tuna Fisherman

I'm a dolphin, and I'm not friendly!

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Upon return

They'll be broken to privates and given 10 demerits each. That'll teach 'em!

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Joke

Just need a squad of Ho' dolphins

to give the battle dolphins their nookie BEFORE sending them out on their missions.

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Coat

Re: Just need a squad of Ho' dolphins

Not likely. They should make like the rest of the squaddies and knock one out over a copy of 'Cetacean Babes'.

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so now even the seas are segregated

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Squeek squeek click

*Dolphin for "My that's a big gun you've got there sailor"

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Squeek squeek click

"Click squeek squeek click click click"

"What's that Flipper? Has one of the big dolphins threatened you with gun?"

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Gimp

Star Trek Did It.

It's called Pon farr. Blood fever, violent, sex-crazed mania. Battle to the death.

With great music in the background...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Star Trek Did It.

You been on a night out in Glasgow too then? ;)

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Holmes

Fluffer

Sounds like what is required here is a professional fluffer to 'service' the dolphins.

Don't all queue up at once....

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Linux

I wish this were true!

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/update-ukrainian-military-dolphins-not-actually-on-the-loose/273943/

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(Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

Re: FanniM

Please see the update at the end of this article :-)

C.

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