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back to article BRITAIN MUST DECLARE WAR on Cervinaean menace

Brits need to take up arms and shoot* half of Blighty's deer population in a war to save the countryside from destruction. There are more Bambi-like creatures in need of shooting than ever before in the UK, we're told, and their numbers have reached heights not scaled since the last Ice Age. With no natural predators, the deer …

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Just reintroduce wolves, problem solved.

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Linux

Can we have some bears too?

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Wolves and bears.... would make life more interesting for the ramblers association as well.

mmmm - thinking of venison steaks and wild boar sausages now...

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g e
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And can I pop in a vote

For some Wild Boar, too, please.

Very tasty.

Need a <NOM> icon :oD

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Why? We're an apex predator too, we can take on the role the wolves previously performed.

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Holmes

Because

You're not supposed to eat people. Hence my vote for Wild Boar :o)

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FAIL

apex predator.

Tell that to the Hippies who consider our sheer existence a Blight Onto Creation.

Part of the problem of there being so many deer is that the necessary culling to avoid plague-like numbers has been fought tooth and nail by every bunny-cuddler for years, if not decades now.

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Licenced Hunters?

We have people that need jobs and too many tasty animals roaming around the countryside.

Surely this should be a self solving problem, the government could also make a quick buck on hunting licence fee's.

or we could all continue eating suspect meat from the supermarket???

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Re: And can I pop in a vote

You really don't want wild boar.

Massive problem in France at the moment due to armed drunken louts... err I mean "hunters" illegally feeding them.

Excess deer population in the UK could easily be used for Tesco's burgers etc.

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Facepalm

@Norman Hartnell

Foolish thinking, that would be a waste of a resource, venison is very tasty!

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Tesco's burgers!!!

Mais non!

Venison steak served with a red wine and blackberry sauce is too good to miss. I cooked that while camping in the New Forest.

And I got the venison steak from the local butcher, honest!!

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@g e - Re: And can I pop in a vote

Wild boar and venison... Yum yum.

Dammit, now I'm hungry!

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Re: @g e - And can I pop in a vote

The kids in schools near inverness already have a high venison diet due to culling. My hippy friends will be appalled, but pass me a rifle, I'm peckish

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Ru
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Re: And can I pop in a vote

You really don't want wild boar

Yeah, they're nasty pieces of work. An angry boar can do you a fair bit of damage... deer are generally a little less aggressive.

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Linux

How about some genetically generated sabre tooth tigers?

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Re: Because

"Hence my vote for Wild Boar :o)"

Doesn't need re-introducing, it's already escaped and gone wild in some areas like the Forest of Dean. Expect them to soon be on the government death list, along with badgers, deer, and most forms of industry.

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Re: And can I pop in a vote

We have wild boar, goat and deer (axis) aplenty here. I do my very best to control their population! If you folks need any help I would be happy to assist.

Assuming the science behind the need for a cull is valid and done case by case in each environment, then this seems like a remarkable sensible idea. So sensible in fact that I distrust it on principal!

I would really love to see some studies done on the quality of the meat, I would put a pint on it being cleaner ('bad' ecoli count etc) than your average supermarket joint, but it would be good to see if that is the case.

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Re: And can I pop in a vote

Interesting, we don't have that problem, just too many deer, goats and hogs. There are hunting seasons but they don't apply in all circumstances and if you are decent with a bow you can keep a well stocked freezer.

I'm pretty sure we cannot sell any of it and all hell would rain on us if we tried so that's probably why we don't have the illegal feeding. That and nature feeds them well enough.

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Re: And can I pop in a vote

Boar are fine, just takes two people and a sharp knife to catch them. You can also use dogs to hunt them even more safely although I know that is unpopular with the Notting Hill crowd. I haven't heard of or seen boars going for people, at least not unless you get near their babies or you corner them.

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re: Apex preditor

Only in the home counties - not in Australia

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Re: Can we have some bears too?

Lions, Tigers and Bears!

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Too much for modern humans; make that pen-knives* instead of sabres and that'll do.

* I remember having to bring one to school to sharpen pencils; steel nibs had killed the quill industry.

"Here, children, we have the dreaded pen-knife-toothed tiger, the only mammal with folding fangs. Some scientists ascribe the muntjac plague to its poor dentition..."

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Re: Can we have some bears too?

Oh, my!

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Re: And can I pop in a vote

You can also use dogs to hunt them even more safely

Chatting with the police while waiting for a tow truck after a collision with a deer incapacitated our car, they told of one of their dogs that had to be reassembled after a wild boar made clear it didn't like dogs. This was a police dog, though, not a hunting dog, and its behaviour towards boar may not have been as cautious as a suitably-trained hunting dog would.

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Re: And can I pop in a vote

I believe the boar detractors are referring to the risk of Trichinosis. Wild boar are known for carrying the Trichinella parasites, which are usually passed on by eating raw/undercooked meat. IIRC deer (herbivores) aren't the type to acquire Trichinella while bears and pigs (omnivores) can and do.

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Happy

Re: Can we have some bears too?

o mi?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: And can I pop in a vote

Boar are fine, just takes two people and a sharp knife to catch them. You can also use dogs to hunt them even more safely

Boars would be wild mamals so using dogs to hunt them would be illegal ... might be able to use a couple to "flush out" a boar so you can shoot it.

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>Just reintroduce wolves

Or a home grown solution, Benton + laser beams

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Devil

Re: Licenced Hunters?

<sarcasm> Sorry, for Hunting, you would need guns, and as a nation you have proved that you are unable to bear that responsibility.<Endsarcasm>

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MrT
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Re: Oh, my!

Nice one ;-) As I read that, the voice in my head was George Takei's...

Wrong kind of bear, though possibly less woodland defecation and loss of limbs than with the four-legged variety.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: And can I pop in a vote

Careful what you wish for.

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There has to be a way to manage this by sharks with frikkin laser beams.

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Then what happens when there's an overpopulation of wolves? Man is at the top of the food chain, but we've almost ceased in playing our role in nature.

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But man is *not* an apex predator

He's simply the only - as far as I know - prey animal that's made a serious inroad into killing off his predators.

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Devil

Gas them...

Gas them in their burrows, the gov'ment seems to approve of that sort of thing...

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Anything that means cheaper venison

Is good news in my eyes. I love venison.

More Bambi burgers for me ta!

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Re: Anything that means cheaper venison

I'll quite happily take part in the cull and then gut/clean my kill; that should be enough to shut any vegetarian up...

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Childcatcher

Won't someone think of the Countryside and all these wild animals "Destroying it".

Clearly something must be done ... I suggest we bear arms and shoot the folks who keep suggesting these culls.

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Mushroom

I have a better suggestion - Arm Bears.

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Ru
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all these wild animals "Destroying it".

Given that the deer have no natural predators, and some of the deer species in the UK are invasive, what do you propose to do about them? There's nothing particularly natural about their current abundance, and large numbers of deer are indeed destructive.

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Terminator

Hunger Games!

Armed bears? Well...

Why not give the task to university robotics research groups?

Robots in camo, equipped with spears, crossbows and kives slithering through forests doing pattern matching on Bambi Creatures To Terminate.

It's fun! One can probably obtain a few grants from the ministry of clusterfucks and ordinance, too.

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Terminator

And nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan...

Quick El Reg, can you not hear those dogs barking? This commentard is clearly a Terminator sent from the future to infiltrate us, and persuade us to train a robot army, which will be used to destroy us! He must be exposed using your site logs. Does El Reg have access to an industrial press?

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Most of that countryside would be forrest if it wasn't for humans, it wuld likely also be populated with different animals, so are you advocating totally erasing the human imprint on the landscape or just that particular bit?

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Coat

Armed bears

The US constitution enshrines the right to arm bears.

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re armed bears

I'm sure Darpa already have tha figured out.

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A very Robin Williams-esque joke, and that man is hairy enough to be a bear

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If only we lived in the US. Their constitution says something along those lines.

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Re: Hunger Games!

Robotic hunters? Release the drones!

Reminds me of that animated classic "Bambi Meets Godzilla". Running time approximately 30 seconds.

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@Ru

I suspect the green solution to your little poser is simply to increase the amount of habitat available to the deer. After all, we've spent most of the last 10000 years deforesting and generally nicking land from the rest of the ecosystem, so it is not surprising to find that "wildlife" is short of space. Of course, allowing wildlife to increase its resource consumption isn't a sustainable policy, but having got all the people out of the way you can *then* release the bears and wolves.

Nature got along fine for a few billion years before we showed up. It's not actually an unworkable solution, but I suspect most of the human population will reckon that a cull is a better one.

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"If only we lived in the US. Their constitution says something along those lines."

Yes, but not our lawmakers ...

That being said, I have hunted deer in the past. Damn tasty, but if they've been in a mint field, the first bite into the venison can be a bit of a surprise

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