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back to article Perfect sex minx calculated from 'deep' probe of X-rated flicks

Hardcore data analysis of hardcore web filth has produced a surprise finding: the average female porn star is NOT blonde nor does she sport oversized Bulgarian airbags. Investigative writer Jon Millward dedicated six months of his life to the task of crunching through vital statistics in the largest database of adult performers …

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Pint

::yawns::

Whatever.

As a dude who has been in charge of finding workplace (and .edu) bandwidth wasters, porn is porn. From my perspective, as long as there's explicit sex involving at least one warm body, nobody seems to care about the physical details of the "actor(s)".

Sex is completely normal. Wasting institution bandwidth is a firing offense.

Beer. Because sometimes its necessary after reviewing a CEO's network access log ...

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Re: ::yawns::

Not sure on the down vote, surely porn is in the eye of the beholder?

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WTF?

What a jake-off

@jake - There's no end of opportunity in this article for humor but you, you had to waste 3 para's saying nothing more that 'I'm a prig'... Jeez, get a life

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@Danny 14 (was: Re: ::yawns::)

That's my take on it ...

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@Nicho (Was: Re: What a jake-off)

Try re-reading mine for content, instead of automagically looking for teen-age locker-room humor. Here's a hint for your happy ass ... Over-analyzing porn is an utterly useless occupation.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ::yawns::

All that work they put in to this research, for what?

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FAIL

Re: ::yawns::

"Wasting institution bandwidth is a firing offense."

> 2013

> Still thinks in terms of 1990s micropipes.

Get on my Porn Delivery Level.

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Mushroom

Re: ::yawns::

Hold on. You say that wasting an institution's bandwidth is a firing offence, well that's as maybe but what has that got to do with the article? Do you think the researcher used university bandwidth without permission?

Also, you think that no one is interested in the physical details of people they fantasize about? Try telling that to the foot fetishists, BBW lovers, artificial/natural/big/small breast afficionados, the researchers and funders of this study, or indeed yours truly. Smutty jokes aside, this is quite reasonable research into what people (or at least Americans) find sexually attractive especially as a fantasy. It would be fascinating to see what differences there are between grumble-flick girls and "real world" girls that people find attractive, or to see how tastes change over time vs fashions, or across cultures.

And seriously, who calls themselves a dude? (With the exception of The Dude of course).

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@DAM 08:24 (was: Re: ::yawns::)

64K GIFs or JPGs in the late 1980s sucked up the same bandwidth ratio that HDTV does today. If you don't understand the concept ... well, you don't understand the concept.

But please, enjoy your porn. I have no issues with that, wanker.

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Re: ::yawns::

"As a dude who has been in charge of finding workplace (and .edu) bandwidth wasters"

Oooh, literally a traffic warden, your job sounds amazing.

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Trollface

Re: ::yawns::

Does posting (repeatedly) on el reg about how wasting company bandiwdth is a firing offense count as wasting company bandwidth?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ::yawns::

He'll need to find a job to get fired

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Mushroom

Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

@jake again. If you insist, let's go there. 1st sentence. irrelevant. Your job .. Such that it is .. Does not provide any special qualification for judging porn. 2nd sentence is opinion so that's OK .. Thing is, it really is just an opinion and you don't provide a single shred of supporting evidence. That renders it, dare I say, a waste of bandwidth. 3rd and 4th sentences are both non sequiturs. No one cares whether your company fires people for looking at porn because the article wasn't about that. Similarly, no one cares that you get to see what the CEO looks at and again, it has nothing to do with the article. It might have marginal relevance if you were to claim that your CEO looks at porn - Do you want to make that claim ? and if not, exactly what content is it that we're supposed to find so interesting ?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ::yawns::

Repeated posts = repeated down votes

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Happy

Re: ::yawns::

Where I live, we get HUUUUUGGEEEE double or tripple decker, multi trailer trucks of pigs, sailing past on their mission of volunteering to become fillings for bacon sammiches.

And as a sort of former purveyor of porn.....

Well I think the hundreds of truckloads of pigs bear a striking resemblance to hundreds of web pages of naked women.

Professional porn... "OH no - fuck what else is on?"

Amateur sites of people posting their own pics and vids.......

This is like spending years flicking through decades of used car adds in the classified adds sections of old news papers, trying to do statistics by year and model and parts for sale, in different shires and counties...

I like women, I like sex and I like really good relationships - but porn...

It is just such tedious bullshit.....

10 million and one of them stuffing dildos in every orifice - well so fucking what?

It's like 10,000 reruns of Gilligans Island....

But a woman with a personality, brain, good manners, and can hold great conversations AND she all of her clothes on!!!!!!

Whoaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ::yawns::

@acerimmer. . Surely nominative determinism would have it the Brown Eye ..

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Anonymous Coward

I'll take the door on the left ..

@oh4FS - you need to be a tad more specific. As it stands, your selection would return both Nigella Lawson and Hillary Clinton.

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Anonymous Coward

this research, for what?

I can think of many, many real-world, game-changing, life-enhancing applications for it. We just need the raw collected data, possibly enhanced (heh) with more information about the actors and cross-referenced with the movies. It is hard (heh) bot doable, as long as the network admin gets out of our way.

For starters, get all the data collected and create a firefox plug-in (heh) that scans the pirate bay and filters out all results with:

* Oversized boob jobs with visible surgery scars.

* Fading tramp stamps.

* Scary and clearly unhygienic piercings.

* Titles with words like "young" and "teenager" with performers that are clearly over 50.

* Dialogue.

Next: on to the Japanese Porn IMDB or whatever they have here and measure the pubes' average length. Add to the filter a rule about square inches coverage and maximum allowed length.

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Alert

Re: ::yawns::

mmhm..

nazis like beer too now?

...aaaAnyway - it can't be an accurate ideal - it hasn't got a spliff dispenser in the top of it's head, nor vileda supermops mounted on it's back.

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Re: ::yawns::

"From my perspective, as long as there's explicit sex involving at least one warm body, nobody seems to care about the physical details of the "actor(s)""

Your lack of taste is disturbing...

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Re: ::yawns::

I am seriously surprised to see this post downvoted so much. Oh, wait, this is UK site.... (wank, wank).

Please, start downvoting now while not loosing focus of your primary, one hand browsing experience.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

"Over-analyzing porn is an utterly useless occupation"

Much like analyzing bandwidth for "institutions"....

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Coat

Re: ::yawns::

Oh4FS wrote:

10 million and one of them stuffing dildos in every orifice ...It's like 10,000 reruns of Gilligans Island....

I must have missed that episode...

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Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

Oh, I completely agree that this analysis is a complete waste of time. Especially considering that anyone with eyes can see that the girls in porn don't fit any stereotype except that most of them are skinny. Rule 34 notwithstanding, but that part was taken care of by the "top most popular porn stars" part of the analysis.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: ::yawns::

@kirovs. I'm a yank, not a limey. I didn't diss @jake for finding the article (and by inference, porn) boring, I dissed him for being a serious tool and for the irony of complaining about waste of bandwidth while doing precisely that.

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JPEG -- Re: @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::)

There was no jpeg in '80s. JPEG was firstly released in yearly 90s (namely '92).

I still recall '93 when I saw the 1st jpegs on a 512KB video card that allowed 15bit color on VESA mode - stunning.

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@stanimir (was: Re: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::))

Yes, stanimir, jpeg existed in the late 1980s. ISO TC 97 became ISO/IEC JTC1 in 1987. I was part of the working group.

I am mildly amused at all the wankers that seem to be pro-porn, but don't like being called wankers. Methinks your inferiority complex is showing ... Either find a MOTAS, or admit to enjoying masturbation instead of socialization. It's not exactly rocket science.

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Re: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::))

Never believe a man saying he does not enjoy masturbation - you can be sure he is a liar.

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@nicho (was: Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off))

"1st sentence. irrelevant. Your job .. Such that it is .."

That's the second sentence. Try reading for comprehension.

"Does not provide any special qualification for judging porn."

I know what porn is when I see it. So do you. So does everyone reading this commentardary. So drop the pretension before everyone upvotes you, proving how stupid ElReg's readership is rapidly becoming.

"2nd sentence is opinion so that's OK .."

Oh, gee, thanks. I'm so happy that you approve. And that's the third, for the math(s) impaired. I'll stop counting now, seeing as you never attempted.

"Thing is, it really is just an opinion and you don't provide a single shred of supporting evidence. That renders it, dare I say, a waste of bandwidth."

And your reply is ... What. exactly? All I can say is that if you have access to a teenage/collage age boy's computer, or the computer of a man in an executive position who thinks he's beyond reprimand, there will be traces of porn of all kinds on it. Trust me. I've seen it. On all of them. For decades. Part of my "job" (such that it is), is fixing systems after users get in over their heads. Often (usually?) because of browsing "free porn" sites. Being a conslutant is a bitch.

My point was that porn is porn, in all it's various boring iterations. Trying to pinpoint perfect "ideals" for the porn industry is an exercise in stupidity. I feel very, very sorry for Jon Millward's .sig Other(s) ... I mean, seriously, six months of hs life for this? What a monumental waste of time.

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@Vladimir (was: Re: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::)))

I never said I didn't enjoy it. What I clearly said was "Either find a MOTAS, or admit to enjoying masturbation instead of socialization."

Note the "instead of". It's kind of important.

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Devil

Re: @Vladimir (was: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::)))

It is possible to enjoy masturbation AND socialising, just not at the same time

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Boffin

Re: ::yawns::

Apart from the fact it is interesting, informative and it got the researcher noticed by a number of significant news outlets? Have a look at his other investigations they are well presented & researched.

Why interesting:

The age of starting a porn career negates the idea that Porn is exploiting misty eyed young pre teen girls.

Longevity suggests that mainly the career is short reason unknown but it may be a way of paying tuition fees much like escort workers at UK universities. The fact it is so long (3 years ) suggests it might not be exploitation issue.

Ethnic mix is very interesting as it suggests that no particular race is targeted to perform. I imagined the more exotic races would be targeted.

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Boffin

Re: @Nicho (Was: What a jake-off)

Totally incorrect. ANYONE that works in advertising and marketing would very much like to know that research because it is likely that the output of that would be a face that would, de facto, appeal to a large number of men. Not just for porn, but also to pose with automobiles, mobile phones, vacations to warm beaches, etc. Basically anything that you would want to advertise to a man, especially blue collar. Find models that look like that description, or use makeup to approximate, and your ad response rate will probably increase (for the right product types).

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @stanimir (was: JPEG -- @DAM 08:24 (was: ::yawns::))

I have two girlfriends, and I still like to masturbate on evenings neither of them is around. And I'm in my late 40s. I think you lack DRIVE....

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Now all he needs to do is apply the same analysis to the 'plots' of those movies, to produce the perfectly average porn flick. Oh wait...

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the perfectly average

One has to wonder about the applicability of averages to all things. If half the people like black, and the other half like white, does that mean that everyone likes grey? Since both milkshakes and hamburgers are very popular, I suppose a ground beef shake would be twice as popular. Sometimes it's the non-average that makes the treat. In fact, average isn't very sexy.

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Re: the perfectly average

I was going to post much the same thing. There are almost no fields in which you'd take a set of 'unusually gifted' people and proclaim that their average would be 'better' than any of the individuals.

You might argue that you average out the flaws, but you can't do that without averaging out the, err, peaks.

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Anonymous Coward

Average - Oh no........

I would absolutely HATE to have to work in the censors office... sure some "porn" (question mark?) is just fucking bullshit.

But so is almost all of it......

But I am fine with naked people doing funny things......

This is one of my favourite video clips of all time...

Julie Strain doing her naked joke of the week.....

http://shooshtime.com/videos/naked-joke-rodeo-style_4985/

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Re: the perfectly average

You do realize when you mix white and black people together, you don't get grey people. As much as the women tan around here it would seem that closer to a light brown is pretty popular.

Anyway, if the porn sites are giving me accurate statistics, all the black men are having sex with white women that have a very large derriere.

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Joke

Just a guess but I would say that the average plot is likely to be 'boy meats girl'.

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Re: the perfectly average

Tell me more about this ground beef shake of which you speak and where I might purchase one. Or are you just floating ideas for next week's episode of Epic Meal Time?

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Anonymous Coward

Yes very good, but what would her porn name be?

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Go

Higgs Bosona!

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Anonymous Coward

Higgs Bosona!

The Large Hardon Collider rears it's, err... ugly head again.

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Boffin

Bit surprised on the bra size.

I'd expected a C or D for starters.

Obviously there is a follow on project for male porn stars as well.

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Re: Bit surprised on the bra size.

It's based on the mean and while there are all shapes and sizes out there, there's a reason why the result is close to the mean for young American women. Interestingly, it's probably closer to the norm than a similar comparison of fashion models. What does that tell us? Men who watch porn are less likely to be surprised by the real bodies of women if they ever meet them but girls reading Vogue are doomed to eternal disappointment?

Anyway, who ever really bothers to look at the faces? And where's the bukake icon?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Bit surprised on the bra size.

@charlie clark - there isn't a special bukkake icon, just spray all the existing icons all over the place.

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Happy

"...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

I remember seeing an interview with a porn director in which he was asked what the key requirements were for porn actresses and actors. After a long session discussing the various attributes required of women, he was asked what was required of a man:

"They have to be really fucking stupid.".

"Oh? Why is that?".

"Because any man capable of thinking about it can't get it up when surrounded by cameramen, lighting technicians, sound engineers and so on and with somebody telling them what to do.".

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Thumb Up

Re: "...men get a third of the pay women get for the same films."

Er, I think there is at least one more big requirement from the men rather than just being stupid.

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