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back to article Empire says ‘primitive’ Earth not ready for Death Star

The Galactic Empire has welcomed the Obama administration’s decision not to build a Death Star. In an press release issued by the Imperial Centre on Coruscant (aka the Star Wars blog), the Empire labels earth a “tiny, aggressive planet” and says the petition calling for a Death Star to be built were “bellicose demands”. The …

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Jedi

Jedi Force-talkers, duh!

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Meh

When

When some weird tentacled thing turns up and demands humans hand themselves over to be eaten we will wish we'd built a Death Star.

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Happy

Re: When

"When some weird tentacled thing turns up and demands humans hand themselves over to be eaten we will wish we'd built a Death Star."

I never worry about the dangers of the arms race.

I worry about the dangers of the human race.

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Boffin

Easily explained.

Because the galaxy is both a long long time ago AND far far away, a message sent via non-relativistic means then and there would reach us here here and now now.

Just requires some Force precognition to look into the future to know to send it.

(I can't believe I typed that to be honest.)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Easily explained.

Owing to the fact that the Universe is actually a projection of a 2-dimensional hologram, the galaxy far away and long ago is in fact very close indeed.

Unfortunately for them, owing to the effects of cosmic inflation, said galaxy is a small object in the asteroid belt.

(I am beginning to wonder if modern cosmology bears about as much relation to reality as does Jain mythology).

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This post has been deleted by its author

The press release is so poorly written that it must be from an alien source — or an American Star Wars nerd. Maybe dialogue meister Lucas wrote it himself...

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(Written by Reg staff)

Actually it's pretty good by the standards of most press releases. It is short, contains little fluff, no major errors (one I received today said 'mother's are worried about' something or other) and at least raised a smile.That puts it well ahead of most we receive at Vulture South.

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Trollface

cat Release.txt | sed 's/Earth/Iran/g' | sed 's/Death Star/Nuclear Bomb/g'

Immediate State Department Press Release

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>Maybe dialogue meister Lucas wrote it himself...

Me-saa no think so-saa

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Re: >Maybe dialogue meister Lucas wrote it himself...

No, isn't it Mickey Mouse now ?

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Anonymous Coward

hmm

They give one of the reasons as "Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?"

Well, one of the benefits of having let the Empire build first, is we now know the major flaw and can design a fix for it.

Perhaps a vent cover with a few bends in it?

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Pirate

Re: hmm

Then you can just smuggle in a raider party with a porta-nuke or an Apple-carried virus via an old spice freighter. Nobody will notice anything until too late.

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Go

Re: hmm

Sorry, that would violate health and safety codes. It becomes uneconomical to build the Death Star onceyou add the obstruction-free ventilation, a catalytic converter on that exhaust port, exit signs, handicapped access, crumple zones and then paint the whole thing safety orange.

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Pint

Re: hmm

Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?

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Re: hmm

Well, if cost is no object we can do it today.......

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Anonymous Coward

Re: hmm

No, it's quite simple - there is no exhaust vent on the new model, just a small black hole that also acts as a trash compactor.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: an Apple-carried virus

So.... iTunes then?

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If Obama is unwilling, we can elect someone who is.

Morbo will now introduce the candidates - Puny Human Number One, Puny Human Number Two, and Morbo's good friend Richard Nixon.

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WTF?

"If Obama is unwilling, we can elect someone who is."

Step forward Newt Gingrich

<< WTF being the response most of Newt's suggestions elicit

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Step forward Newt Gingrich

I know you're joking, but still that's a frightening proposition. Newt might actually try to do it, and I'm not at all certain that there's enough common sense in Congress to tell him no.

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>Step forward Newt Gingrich

That's no moon - that's a Newt Gingrich

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Joke

"The Empire has also strenuously denied the Death Star possesses a fatal design flaw."

"Any attacks made upon such a station - should one ever be built - would be a useless gesture"

That's what they said the FIRST time around...

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Mushroom

Can the private sector pick up the slack?

The was I time when I figured Bill Gates would lead the way to constructing a fully operational battle station, but alas, he's into helping people and all that BS now. Thankfully Larry Ellison might fit the bill (with his own island, mega yacht, and all), if anyone can be convinced to put down the first DeathStar payment it'd be him. Possibly hire SpaceX as the main contractor, seeing as they are already heading for the "dark side" with those new military jobs....

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Dissenting opinion crushed

Tarkin and Motti, no opinion from Taggi?

"Until this battle station is fully operational, we are vulnerable" - no I guess they wouldn't quote him.

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Anonymous Coward

That's no Death Star ...

It's a Peace Moon!

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Re: That's no Death Star ...

or 'Freedom Star' as I saw posted on another website.

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M7S
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Attack of the Imperial Patent Lawyers

before you've even started warming up the mastik guns for the on board showers.

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Happy

This is why you need a Death Star.

"“It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire."

Response without a Death Star:

Grovel, grovel, grovel, apologise, etc.

Response with a Death Star:

"Like we give a shit what you think, we've got a Death Star."

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Re: This is why you need a Death Star.

Quite true. Norks and nukes come to mind

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Happy

Re: This is why you need a Death Star.

Norks and Nukes

Is that some kind of specialist magazine? For the discerning plastic enhanced lunatic dictator...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: This is why you need a Death Star.

I don't know...

I imagine Iran would be equally worried about its citizens being exposed to bombs and boobies. Norks and Nukes could actually be the code name of the latest Pentagon strategy.

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my god that is some intrusive advert for the hp envy x2.

I don't run sites like adblock because I want you to get paid for your site. (pious? Moi?) But every time my mouse wanders up to the top half o the page the advert floods down

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Apparently a 'badly coded' ad, that's being sorted. See El Reg's Drewc reply here. There doesn't seem to be a way to link individual posts any more, but it's only the 3rd of 4th anyway.

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Alert

I bet Mitt Romney

would have agreed to build one. See, Iran, North Korea and China have already started on theirs. We need to close the Death Star gap!

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WTF?

“tiny, aggressive planet”

Whatever happened to "Mostly harmless"?

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Coat

Re: “tiny, aggressive planet”

That's because the only report they got was from those who visited England...

The editor visiting Japan had the fish.

The one who visited Australia was attacked by sheep...

The one who visited Germany only sent one word back - Octoberfest - and no one really understood what he meant.

The one who ended up in Las Vegas had a bit of a problem with the dice and had to hock his equipment...

And we all know what happened to the unlucky being who ended up in the Sauna World Championship in Finland...

Towel in hand, book in pocket. Got any peanuts?

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Re: “tiny, aggressive planet”

Is our new rating a step up or down from "Mostly Harmless"

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The best is Barack Obama tweet.

Barack Obama ‏@BarackObama

Why would we spend taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a 1-man starship? http://OFA.BO/yfxWt3

Now that's a president with a sense of humor (he's american so doesn't know about the u)

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Mushroom

The REAL reason to be worried about this...

For a long time now I have noted the close symbiotic relationship between Hollywood and the US politicians, military and State Departments.

Americans seem to actually BELIEVE films. So the military actually try to create, for instance, beam weapons BECAUSE these are the kind of weapons featured in Space Opera. As Hollywood creates new genres of Bad Guy movies, public opinion swings against the countries thus depicted, and the politicians oblige by labeling them as an 'Axis of Evil'. Film stars even become presidents!

It is completely in character for the public to clamour for an orbiting 'Death Star'. And you can be sure that the military will be looking to their budget proposals to see if this can be included. There will be no consideration given to whether there is a use for such a weapon - once it has been made I am sure a suitable target can be picked......

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Anonymous Coward

Re: The REAL reason to be worried about this...

You're right

Batman - The Dark Knight Rises was the single most unbelievable piece of puerile tosh I have ever had to watch because my family wanted to. The plot, such as it was, seemed to be trying to link Occupy with fusion-bomb wielding nutters, and suggest that having criminals around the place with assault rifles was OK because one injured policemen could take them out with a pistol. And that is just for starters.

Unfortunately, the country which currently seems to be deepest in the sleep of reason really is the one with all the weapons. There are going to be tears before bedtime for the human race.

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Re: The REAL reason to be worried about this...

Americans seem to actually BELIEVE films.

That's because the intelligence of an American is inversely proportional to the volume and frequency with which he or she spouts his or her beliefs. In other words smart Americans quietly enjoy the movie and then goes home to have dinner with the family and stupid ones come out of the theater yelling to everyone who'll listen about how X new technology depicted in the movie is really cool and going to be deployed to our troops next week.

Honestly, given how American humor works I'm guessing that most of the people who signed that petition were at least smiling in amusement as they did so. Some were probably outright chuckling.

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Emperor Palpatine

Didn't he die a long time ago in a galaxy far far away?

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Pint

Magani

You got to it before me -"Mostly harmless".

Exactly!

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That's a really nicely crafted response, similar to the BigJigs rail story (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2013/01/09/bigjigs_bid/) a few days ago.

Even the URL is spot-on:

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/response/isnt-petition-response-youre-looking

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Thank you Dodgy, I am glad I am not the only one who feels that way. Living here, I have to deal with people who watch a movie with Matt Damon and all of the sudden they are experts and quoting him to no end. They really do believe movies, no joke.

It happens elsewhere I suppose, but it feels good hearing someone else acknowledge that.

Not one second spent sifting through data on their own, but if the silver screen says so than it is fact.

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