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back to article Vibrator guru on pleasure tech: 'Of all the places you'd want a quality UI....'

CES is the world's premier gadget-fest, so it's perhaps unsurprising that this year it would devote a keynote at its Digital Health Summit conference track dedicated to a device owned by over 50 per cent of Americans: the vibrator. "Why shouldn't the same high-level thinking like that used in technology and other industries be …

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Trollface

But does it run Android?

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It is Android.

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Gimp

If it runs Android then I hope they also bring out an inflatable electric sheep too!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: running Android

No, it has to be Microsoft to get you truly shafted.

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Anonymous Coward

Headphones?

Are they headphones?

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Meh

Never mix tech with sex

The Engineers Song.

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,

An engineer told me before he died,

Ah-hum, ah-hum.

An engineer told me before he died,

I have no reason to believe he lied,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,

Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

An engineer told me before he died,

And I have no reason to believe that he lied,

(Chorus) That no matter whatever he tried,

His girlfriend was never satisfied!

(Chorus) That girl she had a .... so wide

She could never be satisfied,

(Chorus) The engineer was a designer,

Measured the bore of her v......,

(Chorus) Then he built her a .... of steel,

Powered by a bloody great wheel,

(Chorus) Yes he built a bloody great wheel,

Two brass balls and a .... of steel

(Chorus) Two balls of brass were filled with cream,

And the whole bloody lot was driven by steam.

(Chorus) He tied his girl to the leg of the bed,

Tied her hands above her head,

(Chorus) There she lay demanding a ....,

He shook her hand and wished her luck,

(Chorus) Round and round went the bloody great wheel,

In and out went the .... of steel,

(Chorus) Up and up went the level of steam,

Down and down went the level of cream.

(Chorus) Till at last the maiden cried,

"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"

(Chorus) Now we come to the tragic bit,

There was no way of stopping it,

(Chorus) It went like the piston of a train,

He should have fitted a gearing chain,

(Chorus) Clouds of steam blew out the top,

There wasn't a way to make it stop,

(Chorus) She was split from ... to ...,

And the whole .... thing was covered in ....,

(Chorus) It jumped off her, it jumped on him,

And then it buggered their next of kin,

(Chorus) It jumped on a departing bus,

And the mess it made caused quite a fuss,

(Chorus) The last time, Sir, that .... was seen,

Was in Buckingham Palace .... the Queen,

(Chorus) There's a moral to the story I tell,

If you see it coming better run like hell,

(Chorus) Nine months later a child was born,

With two brass balls and a bloody great horn,

(Chorus) The warning in the story is,

Always fit a safety switch,

(Chorus) The crux of the matter is plain to be seen,

You should never trust a MACHINE!

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Happy

Who cares. It's got rounded corners!

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Anonymous Coward

Support

The more intelligent the device - the more likely it is to get taken over by malware? Niche developer apps must be a natural extension of such devices.

It will be interesting to hear my circle of friends and family trying to describe the symptoms of their device/application malfunction when they need some support advice.

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Paris Hilton

Re: Support

Bluetooth STDs

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Happy

Re: Support

See 'The Full Monty' with the guy trying to explain to phone-support that the penis-enlarging device he purchased isn't working as advertised.

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Linux

Hacked

Is there no limit to what geeks will do?

http://scanlime.org/2012/11/hacking-my-vagina/

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Re: Hacked

Even though I'm a bloke I can't help but wince at "hacking" and "vagina" together in the same sentence like that.

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Re: Hacked

Us more outdoors types associate the word 'hack' with 'bush' or 'undergrowth'. Still, not good.

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Re: Hacked

Just don't read the comments. Dear lord.

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MrT
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Just waiting...

... for someone to come up with lyrics to match the "We buy any car" advert jingle that can be printed... modesty prevents me from getting futher than "We-vibe any c...." etc ;-)

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Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Owned by over 50% of Americans?

Okay, lets say 50% of Americans are female... of those some will not have reached puberty, some will might have decided they no longer have any interest in that sort of thing or have always been asexual, then there's the Amish, and probably a few Southern Baptists might object to them... Can gay men really be filling the gap in your figures? Explain yourselves!

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WTF?

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

> ...a device owned by over 50 per cent of Americans: the vibrator.

I know, right?

That's some strange figure.

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Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

I would guess they're counting both partners as owners. I guess that makes a certain amount of sense, and fits with the "couples' vibrator" slogan. Alternatively, they could be committing a grave sin of statistics by simply dividing the number of vibrators sold be the number of Americans.

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Pint

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

TThis might cum as a shock but vibratory work on blokes too.

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Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Not so much shock as waves of pleasure maybe...

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Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Dear *god* man! Are you truly that lacking in imagination? You think *gay* men are the only men who would be interested in owning a vibrator?

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Facepalm

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Some men ARE that lacking in imagination. Hence the high uptake of vibrators, I guess.

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Joke

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Figures don't lie, but liars sure can fig yers, lol!

And, what prod duct was it that in the end was rejected? Was it an animatronic Real Doll? Was it remote controlled, waterproof, and HIGHLY DUCTILE? Was it a highy R-tickle-yoo-late, resizable and undulating sub-lingual tool for him or for her? (Reminds me of when in high school, working part time at a pizza restaurant, one of the co-workers laid down a wax sheet on the dough weighing scale and produced/displayed he had 22lbs of tongue force in the downward direction against the scale. Freaked out some co-workers, excited others, but nobody got into trouble, hahaha. Boys AND girls competed, yours truly among since we were kids competing. I was for better or for worse, not anywhere near the max end of the scale. I think one or two customers picking up their pizzas sighted the activity, but nothing became of it... ( That was around, ohh, 1983... In Calif...)

Medical Mannquins brings to mind medical man o' kins.

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Happy

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Plenty of women own 2, 3, 4 or even a whole dish washer rack full of them.....

LOL

I guess the overall sales, divided by the population SEEMS to equal about 50%....

It's not the heads, it's the numbers in the dresser draw/s.

Some own none, many own plenty.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Furniture

* DRAWERS

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

A girl flatmate of mine used to keep a really big black one (with tide marks!) in an empty fish tank in the kitchen (ex pet-rat home- I know, I know). She used to cover the tank with a dishclosh if any visitors were going to appear. All well and good until my retired parents visit and decide the kitchen is a bit untidy and they'd better wash up ......

cue lots of terror and screaming ... no, no , the OTHER dishtowel! And most puzzled parents!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Lies, damned lies, and... What?!

Perhaps they are the only ones willing to *purchase* one, though.

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Thumb Up

what you did there, I saw it

"Standard Innovation saw an opening in this area"

I bet they did.

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Go

Re: what you did there, I saw it

and don't forget that they "thought outside the box"

Fnarr Fnarr

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Re: what you did there, I saw it

Snark aside, there's not really a lot of innovation in the sex toy biz. There's plenty of room for real science to come in and introduce practical new products.

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Coat

Re: what you did there, I saw it

I hear that business is humming.

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Anonymous Coward

Enlightened

You mean they're really not neck massagers?

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A bit ironic, really.

One of my sweeties has a We-Vibe, and the one complaint we have about it is the user interface is rubbish.

It's got a single button, buried in the tip under the silicone, that's very difficult to press to turn it on and off. Worse, the vibrator has, like, 15 speeds and patterns...and you have to push the button repeatedly to cycle through them. Once it's on, you can't turn it off without cycling through all the patterns.

If this is an example of the state of the art in vibrator UIs, the vibrator is still pre-Windows 98...

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Re: A bit ironic, really.

Yeah, and for what's basically a motor with an unbalanced weight covered in silicone, it's not exactly cheap either.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: A bit ironic, really.

"15 speeds and patterns...and you have to push the button repeatedly to cycle through them"

Like the controller on my fucking Christmas tree lights.

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Joke

Re: A bit ironic, really.

What about the other user-interface, the part that gets wet...?

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@Franklin: Re: A bit ironic, really.

That sounds like she has the We-Vibe II.

The III version has a remote control that, once the vibrator is switched into "on" (but non-vibrating) mode and is in place, lets you activate the vibrator and move through the 6 different modes without needing to press the built in button again.

The only drawback is that, as the article says, trying to get the radio signal through two salty human bodies can be a bit tricky and you may need to move the control around to various positions before it will actually work.

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Joke

Re: A bit ironic, really.

Rubbish? For a sec, I had to decide whether it was super ticklish or garbage.

The Speeds and Pattterns were not bug, they are features, as in Spatterns, sans the missing accessories...

State of the art today might be hooking vibers up to Xbox, maybe even SirFace or Surf Face or Surface, whichever works out to be an appropos marketing name suitably distanced from MS the mother ship... Attach 3D eyewear, wired-up fingerpro... Umm, tips, and some tension tools with regenerative braking and this could be a verry real "Sexerciser". Of course, it might give Total Fitness and the informercial stars a serious workout.

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Joke

Re: @Franklin: A bit ironic, really.

Maybe a waveguide and a parabolic dish may accentuate the gain.... Tuner, coupler, grounding straps, F1, F2, F3 layer charts, maybe even a red and black patch panel. Don't forget the freq plan...

(Anyone not a naval or mil radio operator or born after 1988 might not get the inferences...)

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FAIL

Re: A bit ironic, really.

I used to have a bicycle rear light that did the same thing....

Fast Blink, Slow Blink, Left to Right Blink, Right to Left Blink, Flashing the Macarrena Blink, Disco Blink.... and perhaps some others.

With an idiot ----little---- recessed "on" button, and dodgy electrical contacts...

It soon got the hammer.

Now all I have is a light with "ON, Slow Blink, Fast Blink, OFF."

This actually sounds like a real fucking prick - as in crack the shits and snap it in two.

"It's got a single button, buried in the tip under the silicone, that's very difficult to press to turn it on and off. Worse, the vibrator has, like, 15 speeds and patterns...and you have to push the button repeatedly to cycle through them. Once it's on, you can't turn it off without cycling through all the patterns."

I hate interfaces like that - it would drive me insane - from the moment it's turned on.

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Coat

Re: A bit ironic, really.

If you're fucking your Christmas tree lights, you're doing it wrong.

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Joke

Re: A bit ironic, really.

"It's got a single button... that's very difficult... to turn it on"

Sounds like the missus!

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Re: A bit ironic, really.

I don't know about either of those particular devices, but often gadgets with a one-button interface can be turned off directly by holding it down longer than normal. Worth a try if you haven't done so already.

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Windows

Perhaps the "hardware" used could be a Raspberry Pi and hence should be renamed a Cream Pi.

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Coat

Surprising there's no Apple iPud on the market.

...mine's the one with the pocketful of AAs

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Coat

Antenna issues?

Can I be the first to say, 'You're holding it wrong?"

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Facepalm

"Life is too short for bad sex"

Anyone who doesn't want the bad sex I'll take it, better than no sex.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "Life is too short for bad sex"

Alternatively: "Sex is like pizza... Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good!"

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"sexual health and wellness"

FFS, you work for a company that makes sex toys, albeit upmarket ones. It's 2013 and you feel the need to medicalise your product to make it respectable.

It's a piece of vibrating plastic not an MRI scanner.

I suppose I could make a comment about US puritanism. . .

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Re: "sexual health and wellness"

>It's 2013 and you feel the need to medicalise your product to make it respectable.

The first vibrators in the Victorian era were medical devices, invented to save doctors from RSI. 'Hysteria' was believed to to be a female illness (it stems from the word for 'womb'), and many doctors set up specialist clinics to 'cure' their wealthy patients- and profited handsomely. Demand for their services was high, and RSI was a risk. Steam powered vibrators (mechanically liked to a steam engine in an adjoining room) were the first, but vibrators were among the first electrical devices sold. They were openly sold above the counter as health and beauty aids, and didn't acquire a bad image until the stag movies of the 1920s.

I read about this about ten years ago in New Scientist, but I believe a feature-length film on the subject was released in 2012.

>I suppose I could make a comment about US puritanism. . .

You could, but read up on the genuine history first. Like many things, it is stranger than fiction.

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