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back to article Frenchmen's sperm plunges by a third in quality and quantity since '89

The future of the French nation is in serious doubt if boffins don't get to the bottom of a serious decline in transmanche sperm production. According to the BBC, the sperm content of Gallic nut butter fell by 32.3 per cent between 1989 and 2005, while "the percentage of normally shaped sperm fell by 33.4 per cent". The results …

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Joke

The French are sitting out again?

As in most things the french are sitting this one out. Or the almighty powers that be have decided that because they don't involve themselves they are not worthy of being kept around and have them in a slow transitional phase.

P.S. Yes I know the sterotypical is not strictly correct. But I am an Englishman after all.

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Devil

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

I don't think those feelings are restricted to Englishmen. At a minimum it includes your cousins across the pond. I expect it also includes the Germans, Poles, Greeks, Russians,.. In fact, I expect pretty much the only inhabitants of our fair sphere who would take exception to your characterization are the French.

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Flame

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

Do you want Jeanne Darc kicking you in the shins again?

(Yes, Darc is the correct spelling.)

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Headmaster

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

Let me correct that for you:

Jeanne d'Arc.

In French you would never write/say Jeanne du Arc. The last vowel of the preposition is replaced by an apostrophy and the two words are rolled into one. Commonly known in French as "Faire une ellipse" and I believe that it is for phonetic reasons.

The lower case "d", the shortened version of the word "du", is highly important as it signifies "from", "of" or "belonging to".

As in the English version "Joan of Arc."

She was actualy born in Domrémy in the Lorraine region but that is besides the point. Arc probably derives from "Arc-En-Barrois" which was possibly the village of Jeanne's fathers ancestors..

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Headmaster

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

"de", not "du". "du" is a contraction of "de le", and she isn't Jeanne de l'Arc (Joan of the Bow). It's une élision not une ellipse.

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Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

My colleagues couldn't agree if it was "du" or "de". We had presumed "du" as villages often take the masculin form. I agree that there are exceptions as in everything else within the French language.

Since the French never say "de le" I didn't bother explaining.

Ellipse = the Morpho-syntactique form.

Élision = the Phonique form.

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Headmaster

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

Fuss, fuss... You will see/hear "de le" in one specific circumstance.

"le" is either the masculine-singular definite article, or the third person singular direct object personal pronoun ("it" or "him").

When the "le" in "de le" is the definite article, you contract it to "du", right enough.

On the other hand, if the "le" is the object pronoun, you don't.

E.g. "Je viens de le voir." "I have just seen him." or "I have just seen it."

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Holmes

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

> Let me correct that for you:

No U!

It's not "Joan of Arc". Its "Joan Darc". Standard family name.

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Re: du de le lo la la la

You have just provided multiple examples of why the rest of us can regard this lowered sperm thing as a Good Thing(TM) as regards the French.

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Happy

Re: Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

"Do you want Jeanne Darc kicking you in the shins again?...." IIRC, it was the Fwench that finally got a bit sick of Ms D'Arc and had her burnt at the stake, one Bishop Cauchon of Beauvais being the engineer of her fate. I guess they just felt a bit emasculated by the idea that a Fwenchwoman could do the whole man thing better than a Fwenchman.

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Coat

Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

I thought "Jeanne Darc" was French for "outhouse without a lightbulb"

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Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

"apostrophy"?

Let me correct that for you:

apostrophe

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Re: But I am an Englishman after all.

or possibly, "apostasy."

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Anonymous Coward

So even the French sperm are on strike?

Does anyone know what their demands are? British ladies watch out, you may find them burning your beef (curtains).

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Anonymous Coward

Re: So even the French sperm are on strike?

British ladies watch out, you may find them blockading your tunnel (of love) with their trucks.

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Alien

Re: So even the French sperm are on strike?

Not on strike. The Frogs are giving up on being men:

http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2010/03/01/frogs/

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Silver badge

Bragging?

Was the 1989 examination done by Frenchmen?

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Flame

Re: Bragging?

Wait, didn't the Berlin Wall fall in the 89-90 winter? Is that it, that the proof of communism's ineffectiveness has led to depression, inactivity, lower sperm count, and burning British sheep?

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Coffee/keyboard

Professor Richard Sharpe?

Commenting on the French? Should be killing them. Remember Talavera!!!

Also, I need a new keyboard after "Gallic Nut Butter"

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Re: Professor Richard Sharpe?

New job for The Rifles....

There's 40 shillings on the drum,

For those who'll volunteer their come,

Knock up a French girl everyday,

While over the hills and far away.

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Headmaster

Re: Professor Richard Sharpe?

But in the books, Sharpe generally got along with the French when he wasn't killing them. He once dropped in on Napoleon in St. Helena, and had quite a cordial and respectful meeting. He even ended the series by settling in Normandy with a local woman. He had no problem killing the French in battle, but neither did he have any issue with organising a truce afterwards when necessary (e.g., collecting the dead).

Killing for duty or revenge, but never xenophobia: that's our Richard Sharpe.

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Re: Professor Richard Sharpe?

"Knock up a French girl everyday"

No, NO, NO! It should be "every day"

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Anonymous Coward

Men of Great Britain

Once more unto the breach....

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Men of Great Britain

I was gonna point out that no-one seems to have done any recent studies on Brit's bits, but I guess there's no harm in helping out in the mean time, just in case...

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Re: Men of Great Britain

I believe there was a study a few years back.

Or at least they told me it was for a study.... hmmm...

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Happy

Global warming ?

It gets blamed for everything else....

Duck.

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Boffin

Re: Global warming ?

Given that the dangly bits dangle to keep them at a temperature that is optimal for sperm production (normal body temperature being too high), you might not be too far off...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Global warming ?

Right because a +.25C change over the last 22 years, in the average annual temp is enough to impact the Galic babymaking bits to the tune of 33%.

As specious as many attributions of <whatever> to global warming are, this one would be quite exceptional.

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Facepalm

Re: Global warming ?

Yeah, and it would be affecting everyone not just the French, etc. Obvious problems with the assertion are obvious... I knew I should have used the Joke Alert icon.

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Thumb Up

Re: " I knew I should have used the Joke Alert icon."

I thought it was amusing at any rate. However, I think that a "satire alert" icon might be the thing. Your bon mot was after all rather more satire than an outright joke and I have notice that a certain percentage of our fellow earthlings are satire-blind.

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Happy

Re: Global warming ?

Probably due to those nut-clenching cycling shorts they wear. Mind you, it does bode well for a generational reduction of those cyclists with the eye-bleeding togs.

Phil.

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Childcatcher

Re: " I knew I should have used the Joke Alert icon."

And the downvotes keep coming! Thank you sir, may I have another?

I'm with you Arctic Fox, satire blindness seems widespread amongst our fellow earthlings, especially her in the El Reg comments section.

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Reading the Beeb article, I'm still a little gobsmacked to see that even with 15million of the little buggers per ml (sperm, that is, not Frenchmen) a man is still considered borderline infertile.

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TRT
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Paris Hilton

The female reproductive tract...

is a hostile environment for our petits nageurs.

Paris, for her non-aggression pact.

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Meh

This is an aspect of anatomy that has always puzzled me. After all, it only takes one, so, as long as that one makes it, how does it matter how many others there were?

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Boffin

Many working together can effectively tunnel through the goop but one by itself will be stuck in the mire.

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Anonymous Coward

You mean they work together? Like Ants?

Some sort of team-building exercise?

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Mushroom

*COUGH*

France:

Nuclear generated electricity capacity 63,130Mw. World ranking... #2 (#1 is USA)

Percentage of capacity provided by nuclear power plants 77.1%. World ranking... #1 (#2 is Belgium)

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Re: *COUGH*

Don't the French still have those neutron bombs? The kind that have minimal blast (saves the environment), leaves the infrastructure, and eliminates the folks currently occupying the space (also good for the environment, so I hear)?

:|

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Pint

Re: *COUGH*

No idea.

France also ranks number 4 on the world scale of wine consumption per capita. Number 1 is The Vatican, but I expect it'd be a sin to gather comparable data there. :)

The UK is 26th in the wine ranking.

The population of the Vatican seem to consume around one and a half bottles each per week. Phew!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: *COUGH*

Neutron bombs don't have minimal blast; they just kick out a lot more neutrons than your average nuclear explosive. They're still nuclear weapons with all of the destructive capacity that implies.

A small 1kt neutron bomb will wreck unhardened buildings with about a half kilometre radius of ground zero, but kill people (and most living things) about to about a kilometre and a half. Lots of interesting fallout would result, too. Not the most environmentally friendly device!

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Re: *COUGH*

One and a half bottles of wine a week is roughly equivalent to one glass a day, depending on how big the glass is, and how close it is to full, so that level of consumption isn't worth making a fuss about.

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Re: *COUGH*

15cl per day, then. It's not a lot, no. Half of an ISO standard 300ml glass in fact. Yes, there IS an ISO standard for wine tasting!

It's around one and a half times the amount the French drink.

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Re: *COUGH*

@ac 15:36gmt No, that is the supposed advantage of the neutron bomb, very short half-life so occupying troops well.. could occupy the battlefield. At least this is what I understand about the treaty where the US-NATO/USSR-Warsaw Pact gave them up, it was a good first-strike weapon - except the French didn't destroy theirs.

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Facepalm

Internet usage up, tadpoles down.

Same as in every western country. French tummy-sticks are emptied nightly due to the availability of Le Pron Internetique. Hence Les Boules are somewhat reduced in potency compared to the 80s days of relying on les magazines or le bush de pron.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Internet usage up, tadpoles down.

Wrong, masturbation makes sperm fresher.

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Joke

Re: Internet usage up, tadpoles down.

Should I have used this icon just to be clear?

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Re: Internet usage up, tadpoles down.

> Wrong, masturbation makes sperm fresher.

Might make that fresher, but it means there are less of the little buggers around when the lady with the rubber gloves comes to take a sample.

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Re: Internet usage up, tadpoles down.

Tell me more about the lady with the rubber gloves...

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Re: Internet usage up, tadpoles down.

Pff. Last I checked, all she does is hand you a plastic cup and say "splooge in the cup, kthx". Paraphrasing, of course.

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