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back to article Prisoner found with phone + charger in anal cavity

A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside after prison officials found him trying to smuggle both a mobile phone and its charger into prison up his bottom. Christopher Hughes was facing a nine-year sojourn in the Big House for stabbing four people outside a Motherwell nightclub with a pair of scissors. He pleaded …

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Meh

Hope it wasn't the Nokia Lumina 920,

Must have discovered it when they saw he was walking funny!

Imagine the search........ FORCEPS.....

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IT Angle

Actually it was, and I'm puzzled as to why one rolling off the production line in the usual manner merits a story.

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Anonymous Coward

Och Eye the Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

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Unhappy

A photo has emerged of what it did to the body of a well-known practitioner of this, and it's not a pretty sight:

http://goo.gl/PLI10

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"A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

I see what you did there...

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Facepalm

Re: "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

I didn't, until you pointed it out, for which I thank you.

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Re: "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

I hope I don't have to see what HE did there.

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Re: "A Scottish man has been given an extra stretch inside"

Let's just hope it properly licensed rounded corners!

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WTF?

And no Mr. Hughes...

... I do not want to borrow your phone. Thank you anyway.

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Unhappy

As a mobile phone forensic analyst [pun coincidental, I promise!] I have had to examine more than one 'bumphone' as they are known in the biz. Latex gloves are a godsend in my job.

It's a particular thing with drug dealers, I've found. Other forms of crime, not so much.

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Your name goes well with your job

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Anonymous Coward

Bet it was an android as they are s*** - small - no too many letters ho ho ho.

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"Bet it was an android as they are s*** - small - no too many letters ho ho ho."

Well you can take your iPhone and shove it up your.....

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I hope it had rounded corners.

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Facepalm

gritted teeth...... And the charger! you definitely need the charger.

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Happy

Was it star shaped?

Or Chocolate starfish shaped...

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Was it a usb charger, or the full UK 3 pin jobbie... teary eyed people would like to know

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Joke

mini maxi

Endubitably, in his arss, the mini pad would be a maxi, more than an app pole in his eye, in his hind site and hind sight. But, the prison staff will keep his hind in sight as hind insight. He might need or have a kneed for an ennd tear rear de-core rater to fix him up for bigger and bedder thing...

Even if he got to make those phone call, they would be more expensive than sh*t. Gives a hole new mean ning to dirty talk....

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Meh

He didn't want to smuggle,

he only heard what happens in jail if you bend over and thought to block that route.

As Mr. J. Rotten so poetically put: The cabin boy was Flipper, he was a naughty nipper . . .

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Anonymous Coward

Re: He didn't want to smuggle,

Ahoy me hearties.....

after three, lets all sing along !!...

It was on the good ship Venus, by Christ you should have seen us, the figurehead was a .............

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Re: He didn't want to smuggle,

Steve Jones actually - Johnny had as good as quit by the time they recorded that song.

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Meh

Call Prices

Not only are phone calls to the outside insanely expensive, they are collect only unless someone loves you enough to buy a prepaid card (right there in the jail from a little ATM style kiosk) and give it to you for use on your "phone days".

There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail. It just makes certain companies a lot of money and gives high-school drop outs a job being dicks to prisoners.

Ladies, if you're actually online, just have sex with the nerds in high-school. It'll make them not grow up to be the asshats that will eventually arrest and harass your future husband.

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There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

Too right. Give them the vote, PS3, iPads, Sky and why not beer on Fridays too.

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Re: Call Prices

@Not only are phone calls to the outside insanely expensive, they are collect only unless someone loves you enough to buy a prepaid card

Not true, you are given a passcode when you first enter prison(UK) and can place money on that each week from your spends. Past experience recently on this!

As for the bum smuggling, it is rife in open prison where you can have home leave/outside work etc so a higher proportion of inmates coming in and out.

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Facepalm

Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

But not MP's natch. They are our betters and its right and proper they serve a tenth of the sentence a pleb would have got for stealing a tenth the amount they did.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Call Prices

"It'll make them not grow up to be the asshats that will eventually arrest and harass your future husband."

Yes, lets ignore crimes and not send people to prison. F*ckwit.

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Re: Call Prices

Prison is intended to be a deterrant, a punishment and rehabilitation. If it were a nice place to be it would not be any good at the first two roles. There are laws against cruel and inhumane punishment (although I honestly think for more than 3 offenses, prison isn't woring, maybe we try something more unorthodox) but for prison to work we should not be making it a giant mancave with curry nights. It does a disservice to the victims of crime and to the prisoners. They should fear prison, prison should be a place people do not want to go to or back to. To help prisoners, prison needs to be a shock to them, which should encourage them to reform. I support helping them reform and gain skills, I don't support making their lives cushy.

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Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

"Too right. Give them the vote, PS3, iPads, Sky and why not beer on Fridays too."

No need to be sarcastic about it. It doesn't cost phone companies anything extra to set up a phone in a prison (presumably the prison administrative offices have phones), so calls made my inmates should be made at the same rates as calls made by guards / prison admin. Of course within the limits of allowed phone privileges.

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Re: Call Prices

"Prison is intended to be a deterrant, a punishment and rehabilitation"

Agreed, which is why prisoners are not allowed mobile phones, and why their access to payphones is limited and time-controlled. That doesn't mean it's OK to gouge them or their families.

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Re: Call Prices

True, but isn't it done by competitive tender? The additional money will be going somewhere, perhaps to cover the cost of monitoring (which seems fair), or in kickbacks to the gov't. (not exactly fair) or in excessive profit (unlikely if it's a tender process). Perhaps the 'back end' (sorry no pun intended) system used to manage credit probably costs some extra amount, but they are probably very well used which should make them more financially viable then the telephone box on the vilage green which should go some way to counteract the bespoke billing system.

Without having seen the contracts and tender its tough to say exactly why charges are so high. Hospitals aren't much better but they vary massively between normal call price levels and insert kidney now levels.

I wouldn't object any to the govt looking into pricing levels but the public purse shouldn't be subsidising it to any degree, if it turned out that it costs that much to run and monitor the so be it. Theres probably some degree of fat in the system but not too much as quite a few companies could bid on it.

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Meh

Re: Call Prices

"To help prisoners, prison needs to be a shock to them, which should encourage them to reform."

Nice try but it doesn't work.

Execution, flogging and birching never stopped the flow of criminals in to pokey.

Execution never stopped killers and flogging and birching was seen as a badge of honour.

The Victorians thought that mindless activities would be an 'encouragement' but it didn't work.

And as for the magic number'3' . . .

Definately 'meh'

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Re: Call Prices

Just checked, it would seem the number of phones and limited access to them is a bigger issue than cost (although prices aren't cheap, BT did cut them). BT stated that the increased cost vs a payphone was primarily due to the security (the GOTU system and the payment system) and monitoring.

BT deserve a profit but it shouldn't be insane. I agree that having contact with family helps with rehabilitation, but I think its fair for the prisoner to shoulder a realistic cost. The numbers I saw weren't crazy, they weren't cheap but I've paid more on a cell phone in the past.

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Re: Call Prices

It doesn't work for everyone. It does work for some. The biggest issue with prison is it's a one size fits all approach and that doesn't work.

You and I are different, we are motivated by different things, we probably fear different things. Prison should not be a nice place. The idea that simply depriving people of their liberty is some horrendous punishment is erroneous. For you and I perhaps that would be sufficent, for others obviously it is not as they repeatedly reoffend. I don't see the issue with ensuring that prison is not a pleasant place and if somebody reoffends a few times considering that we need to take a different route for that person. That might be greater assistance with reintegrating into society, more help with issues such as drug abuse, or it might be making their stay in prison less 'nice'. One size fits all doesn't work. I'm not advocating execution but we need to consider a wider variety of techniques (both in assistance \ rehab and in punishment) where it is clear the current system isn't working.

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Re: Call Prices

The "punishment" aspect doesn't count for much for the serial offenders, and as such prison is neither rehabilitation, punishment or deterrent. And in that case we should recognise that it is simply a sin bin, and put people on (say) their third stretch into a special place run purely at the lowest cost possible (and make them serve the full sentence plus 100%).

If that sin bin involves creature comforts, so be it, if it is simply Dartmoor with no central heating (which seems more likely), then that too is fine with me. The only purpose being served is to keep serial offenders off the streets for as long as possible, before they are released, can offend again, and go back to the sin bin.

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Pint

Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

Ahh the psychological method - bountiful pleasures issued at the same time as the unimaginable torture of being forced to watch Sky 24 hours a day - I like your style.

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Re: Call Prices

"Execution never stopped killers"

It's actually very effective at that: very few killers commit further murders after being executed... I take it you mean the threat of execution doesn't prevent killers from committing the crime in the first place? Statistical studies of the last decade tend to conclude exactly the opposite, that there is indeed a noticeable deterrent effect. It fits with common sense as well - surely the more severe the punishment, the more likely people are to balk at risking it?

(In fact, a distant relative of mine, John 'Babbacombe' Lee, was hanged - unsuccessfully, of course - no less than three times, back in the 19th century; after the third attempt failed, it was commuted to life imprisonment, so he eventually he emigrated to the US and died there in 1945 - without being convicted of any further murders, either, so executing him clearly taught him a lesson too!)

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Re: There's really no reason to make life so miserable for those in jail

"Ahh the psychological method - bountiful pleasures issued at the same time as the unimaginable torture of being forced to watch Sky 24 hours a day - I like your style."

Look at Sherrif Joe

He took away their pay TV until some lawyers explain that it's prisioner's human rights to have pay TV so he gave it back with just the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel.

When asked about the Weather Channel he said "So they'll know how hot it will be working on my chain gangs"

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Anonymous Coward

"access to [...] fixed-line phone [...] strictly limited [...] highly expensive"

Mobile phones are highly prized by prisoners, since access to the fixed-line phone services is strictly limited and highly expensive

Also more likely to be recorded and monitored, which might be important to some prisoners who want to maintain contact with their "outside interests".

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Clearly

The poor chap got a phone with a bum wrap. So did he also lift the audio off a fart app for the ring tone or did he leave it on vibrate?

What!? A body cavity search! Mind holding my coat?

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Re: Clearly

I heard his ring tone was Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire

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Re: Clearly

Puts a whole new spin to "Talking out your ass"

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Pint

Re: Clearly

Ring of Fire... I had that as the ringtone for a former boss who was a pain in the @$$....

He didn't get the joke... Maybe I should have had it sung in Farsi (he was Iranian)

A beer glass will have to do since El Reg won't provide a glass of Merlot.

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Pay as you go?

The call of nature?

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Joke

There's a fart app for that!

Sent from my iHole.

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Coffee/keyboard

Pay as you go - quality..

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ow

The American guy didn't have a charger with a 3 pin plug...

Makes me wince just thinking about it

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Re: ow

wow imagine getting jailed abroad you would need to put an adapter up there too

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"smoking the weed........really good s**t considering the trouble"

Can I claim "I see what you did there..." number 2 ?

Yes, the "number 2" qualifies as "I see what you did there..." number 3 before anyone else starts...

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404
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No.

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WTF?

It does make me question...

why is there even power-sockets in the "customer facing" facilities?

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