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back to article Boffin claims Bigfoot DNA reveals BESTIAL BONKING

An American scientist is claiming DNA samples reportedly taken from Bigfoot show the beast is a product of mating between female humans and an undiscovered primate. Dr. Melba Ketchum has undergone a five-year examination of North American Sasquatch samples, and told The Register that she had discovered that the non-human samples …

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Anonymous Coward

what happens in the pleistocene ..

Damn, so that's what happened during that weekend I lost back in the day ..

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female humans and an undiscovered primate

The undiscovered primate being - a redneck in a bigfoot suit

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Re: female humans and an undiscovered primate

It wasn't a suit, just poor personal grooming

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Re: female humans and an undiscovered primate

Nah, 'twas Hairy Bob - the Star Trek nerd.

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sexy

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Anonymous Coward

Gotta catch them all

Fascinating work from Dr Ketchum, but her real test is going to be to catch them. Only then can she be the very best, like no one ever was. No doubt this will require her to travel across the land, searching far and wide. Hopefully this will enable her to understand the power that's inside.

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Re: Gotta catch them all - her real test

Her real test shirley is whether the result is errr reproducible.

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Paris Hilton

I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

So, Sasquatch is a hybrid of a human and an unknown species (which species, although non-human, is close enough to being human to be able to breed with humans). Which raises the question, what is the unknown species, and where did it come from? And why are there no descendants of the purebred version? And how could it have bred with humans 15,000 years ago when the earth is only 6,000 years old?

My head hurts.

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Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

Unknown to scientists. Everybody else has seen/met a bogan and yes there are still examples of the pure bred bogan to be found

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Anonymous Coward

@Gordo Rex

"And how could it have bred with humans 15,000 years ago when the earth is only 6,000 years old?"

Your point is what, exactly? That fundamentalist Christians would dismiss this story out of hand, but you are scientific enough to believe it? Evidently you haven't thought things through, because the implications of your "point" don't work out the way you think that they do.

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Pint

Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

The actual press release indicates that both Neanderthal and Denisovans are ruled out. That still leaves "hobbits" - the little guys from Indonesia, who were around 15 kya, and potentially others as well. Of course, if you want to consider the universe only 6,000 years old, you also have to conclude that whoever did the work was not only a really able forger, but a practical joker, since Slartybartfast or whoever did it, built the universe to appear at least 14 billion years old, and included the duckbilled platypus.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

Ah the platypus. So many features like so many other animals, yet not related to any of them.

You'd think it would give paleo-biologists pause for thought.

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Re: @Gordo Rex

Easy one -- it's one of God's mysteries for us to ponder over - sorted!

Anyway all Bigfoot will be toast in a few weeks time - as will be the rest of us - apparently.

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Facepalm

Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

More to the point:

"The paper reviewing the samples is currently under peer review*, and the team hadn't intended to make the news public beforehand**, but Dr. Ketchum explained that one of the Russian team had let the news slip.*** "

*Other people who know what they're talking about haven't had the chance to look at it and say "this is bollocks" yet.

** Honest guv.

***Because getting it out before peer review gets some media attention and nobody can say "this is bollocks" just yet.

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Holmes

Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

This is BOLLOCKS... :-)

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Boffin

Re: I can't believe I'm commenting on this....

"Ah the platypus. So many features like so many other animals, yet not related to any of them."

Other than the other monotremes, both extant and extinct of course and that ALL life on earth can be demonstrated to have a single common ancestor, dubbed LUCA. That includes monotremes in general and platypus in particular.

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Blue bollocks syndrome

Have you considered how physically painful arrested chortling is?

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Devil

Ligers and Tigions

Well if Loins and Tigers can interbreed with each other and product fertile offspring and horses and donkeys can interbreed and product sterile offspring you never know what could happen between members of the great apes...

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"Loins and Tigers"

Shouldn't like to give that one a try, mate! Getting banned from the zoo would be the best possible result, I think, though not the likeliest.

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sean connery

could be a descendant

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Law
Stop

One night stand from hell... Ouch

You know the saying... Big feet.....

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Boffin

Re: One night stand from hell... Ouch

So what you're saying is that making the beast with two backs makes a beast with one back?

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Coat

Re: One night stand from hell... Ouch

Big feet = ......

big shoes?

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Holmes

Interspecies sterility

Interspecies hybrids are generally sterile (that's pretty much the definition of a species), so either the hybrids are incredibly long-lived, or hybridisation events are continuing (to put it politely)!

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Holmes

Re: Interspecies sterility

"Interspecies hybrids are generally sterile (that's pretty much the definition of a species), so either the hybrids are incredibly long-lived, or hybridisation events are continuing (to put it politely)!"

...Or the paper is bullsh1t...

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Pint

Re: Interspecies sterility

"or hybridisation events are continuing"

It's called "Happy Hour"

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Unknown species to science: Homo Teapartyensis

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So, basically, reading between the lines ...

... the group analyzed DNA from an unknown critter (Yak?) contaminated by untrained humans who collected the sample.

Waddimis?

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Campaigning for zoophilia?

Ia this some sort of weird public relations exercise, timed to coincide with the introduction of legislation against bestiality in Germany?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/nov/27/germany-bestiality-ban

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Anonymous Coward

Dr. Melba Ketchum

Gotta catch'em'all

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Coat

This would explain ZZ Top

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Happy

But ZZ Top walk fully upright. They've got legs, and they know how to use them...

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I dunno, IaS ...

Post proof, or retract. Last time I was in the studio with ZZ Top, they were all legless ...

And I believe the lyric is "she's got legs, and knows how to use them ... ", the bards aren't included in the equation ...

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Re: I dunno, IaS ...

It's the hirsute fur suit - every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man.

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Alien

Wow

I think (Dr.) Melba may have spent to much time in the wood, or hanging out with that "ancient aliens" guy from the history channel.

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Childcatcher

Sasquatch?

You mean they found a REAL sample from Sasquatch.

I think we would have heard about this before.

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Anonymous Coward

> the scientific method demands that disbelief be suspended until peers have reviews and retested.

For evolution perhaps.

I thought the normal procedure is to stick with orthodoxy unless proven false.

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Anonymous Coward

Hybrid of a human and an unknown ape species?

She's never been to Barnsley, then.

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Coffee/keyboard

Stop it!

I'm running out of upvotes. And coffee.

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WTF?

the scientific method demands that disbelief be suspended until peers have reviews and retested

It does? I must have slept through the "suspension of disbelief" lecture. Did it come between the bit about not accepting anything on face value or the bit about extraordinary claims requiring extraordinary evidence? Or did you just make it up?

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Headmaster

"suspension of disbelief" lecture.

It comes in the literature course. He didn't make it up, he just got the classrooms mixed up and sat through the wrong lecture.

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Constitution

"Government at all levels must recognize them as an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights against those who would see in their physical and cultural differences a 'license' to hunt, trap, or kill them,"

I assume Sasquatch will also have the constitutional right to bear arms - which would make the hunting season interesting.

Let's not overlook the fact that once recognised as human the Big Foot community would be the sort of back-to-basics, small-government, proud American voters that the Republicans need. And don't you think a sasquatch running mate would add gravitas to any Gingrich campaign in 2016?

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Re: the right to arm bears

"I assume Sasquatch will also have the constitutional right to bear arms - which would make the hunting season interesting."

Got arms like a bear already.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Constitution

While Big S might be a proud self-reliant small government anthropoid, he is also some sort of commie pinko pervert, what with trotting about the woods naked having bestial rumpy-pumpy .

Republican constituent? NOT.

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wait a moment...

In a variant of "pics or it didn't happen" the "dr." * claims to have received photographic evidence of the critter involved along with sampled material. Unless this is the usual Vague Blob in Shrubbery type, she would have her hands on the first actual visual evidence of these critters, which would in and of itself be enough to shake the world up a little bit.

Call me a sceptic, but nothing here engenders any form of excitement.

* A quick trawl for the "dr"s actual qualifications reveals a lot of claims of collaboration with a lot of organisations which could or could not be legit. What it does *not* reveal is her actual academic schooling and career, something which tends to be taken very seriously in academic circles, especially when it comes to the molecular sciences.

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Boffin

Re: wait a moment...

↑ This.

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Anonymous Coward

You never know ...

... there's a difference between being a sceptic and a complete dick.

Dr. Melba S. Ketchum biography:

Dr. Melba S. Ketchum grew up in Texas City, Texas. She attended Texas A&M University where she received her doctorate in Veterinary Medicine after five years at the university. She had a mixed veterinary practice until she founded DNA Diagnostics. Dr. Ketchum is the president and founder of DNA Diagnostics, Inc. d/b/a Shelterwood Laboratories. Established in 1985, DNA Diagnostics has become a leader in all types of DNA testing including: human and animal forensics, human and animal paternity and parentage testing, disease diagnostics, trait tests, animal and human identity testing, species identification and sex determination. Most common species of animals are tested at DNA Diagnostics.

http://www.coasttocoastam.com/guest/...-melba-s/47325

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Devil

Re: the molecular sciences...

Oh, please don't bring moles into this. We have enough species confusion already!

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