back to article BRITISH BIGFOOT ON LOOSE in Tunbridge Wells

A paranormal investigator is probing a sighting in Tunbridge Wells of the legendary "Kentish Apeman" - a hirsute 8ft-tall creature with "red demonic eyes". The beast was allegedly spotted prowling the 200-acre Tunbridge Wells Common last month, some 70 years after it scared the living daylights out a couple at the same spot. …

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Silver badge

Bigfoot tracks.

I, personally, contributed to this hoax.

An abalone diver's weight-belt, and home-cast RTV feet, worn by my 6'9" cousin ... Mendocino County, 1975ish :-)

Signed: Not easily convinced by hearsay in Tunbridge Wells.

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Personally,

I'm disgusted.

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Go

Re: Personally,

You forgot the:

"Yours

- Tunbridge Wells"

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Big cat

Is this a story like the big lion that was found to be a big cat all hyped up by people keen to get in the newspaper and helped by a MSM whipping it up to get readers writing in saying how silly it all is.

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Holmes

I find this as amazing as UFO's

Amazing i the sense that now everyone has a camera in their pocket, in the form of a phone or whatever, you never hear anything like the number of reports you did in the 70's and 80's when, err, we didn't. How savvy of those aliens - just to pick the exact decades when there was no proof other than peoples yarns - to fly all those light years to visit us.

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ACx

Er, might be my mate Scot. He lives round there, is 6ft silly, and owns a movie quality Predator costume.

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Happy

CARRY ON SCREAMING!

It's Odd-Bod on the loose after all these years!

Gothed-up Fenella Feilding and that voice that could floor a man's will at 200 yards, she still gives me goosebumps!

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Alien

Mistake...

"... they told the police ... but were laughed at and were not believed. ..."

Now if they had told the Kent Police it was eight feet tall and had a camera ...

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Trollface

Hmmmm......

"hirsute"

"red demonic eyes"

"shuffling"

"ape like"

"knees which came up under its chin as it walked"

Until I see the additional attribute "insufferably arrogant" ascribed to the beast, I, for one, remain unconvinced that it is Wayne Rooney.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Hmmmm......

I thought most would say it's Jeremy Clarkson.

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Re: Hmmmm......

He's been getting noticeably less hirsute over the last few years.

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Pint

More likely to be a werewolf

"He's the hairy-handed gent who ran amok in Kent

Lately he's been overheard in Mayfair

You better stay away from him

He'll rip your lungs out, jim

Ha, I'd like to meet his tailor

Ah-ooooo, werewolves of London

Ah-ooooo....."

From the brilliant Warren Zevon

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Re: More likely to be a werewolf

"And his hair was perfect!"

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TRT
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Is it...

John McAfee?

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*Cough*

"...tall, hairy ape like creature with eyes that were burning a reddish colour and it was moving towards them at a slow pace. "

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/YawningBoris.jpg ?

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Devil

Last month?

Last month? What, as in October, the month which includes Halloween?

I walk through the common every morning and evening and only ever see perverts and dog walkers. The giant fire-eyed beast is probably hiding near the cricket pavilion, I avoid that bit due to the dogging.

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Coat

...probably

Boris

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Anonymous Coward

British Bigfoot?

People do see strange things in the UK, including "Bigfoot" type animals. The CFZ (who Neil Arnold is linked to) investigated similar sightings at Bolam Lake in County Durham. People in the US have also seen similar paranormal Sasquatch (they often have red eyes & have even vanished when shot at).

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Facepalm

Re: British Bigfoot?

The CFZ...investigated similar sightings at Bolam Lake in County Durham.

That's surprising. Bolam Lake was in Northumberland last time I visited. Spooky!

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WTF?

Re: British Bigfoot?

Hi Mr Downvoter. Why? Facts is facts is facts.

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Happy

Did it make an appearance...

To vote for police commissioner ?

(Need a Yeti icon)

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Last month.....

Perhaps it was just someone getting an early start on their Movember and went for some full body growth?!

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Boffin

Oh?

Is it just another 'Spring Heeled Jack' phenonemon? Mass delusion, good story for the pub, bit of excitement sort of thing?

Why shouldn't people believe it? They are preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse.

I think it has escaped from a bizzare secret government genetic laboratory somewhere in the woods.

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Hmm

Hands up all those that cant tell John Prescott from a paranormal beastman.

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Alien

Wookie

See above.

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IT Angle

I live in rochester and can confirm

"a creature with long arms and knees which came up under its chin as it walked" is a normal person in Dartford

and

"apeman appear then run off into the bushes" is pretty standard in chatham, normally outside Gala bingo.

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Anonymous Coward

Thats no apeman

That's the locally infamous former barman of the (formerly) notorious Sussex Arms (yes, the chamber pots on the ceiling), celebrated for banning one lunchtime Merkin patron who asked for lemonade with his Glenmorangie. After spending several minutes regaling the gawping septic with the finer details of the ins and outs of the distilling process, he ended with "and you want to put lemonade in it sir? Well you can fuck off out of this pub and don't come back - you're uncivilised".

The legendary urgency and volume of his famous last orders call of "go back to your squats and smoke your drugs" was usually reinforced 10 minutes later by the terrifying sight of the owners wife's slippers descending the stairs to make sure patrons departed by 11.20 precisely - most had usually gone by the time the dressing gown and curlers had made an appearance.

Dave went for a long walk after the bar was finally vandalised by developers of the modern persuasion, and is rumoured to have got lost on the common (having not actually left the bar in the previous 21 years), which he now haunts to this day, assailing late night walkers at around 11pm with his famous last orders call.

A fine pub in its heyday, visitors to the Sussex who mistakenly entered the 'back bar' (or properly Kent Bar) on a Saturday night were usually greeted with something that looked like a Roman Orgy reenactment societys training night cum AGM. The pubs informal motto was "If I had all the money I'd spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink".

The pub was the solitary saving grace in a town described variously as "enemy territory" by one black friend from London, "a tory theme park" by another, but probably most accurately as "a graveyard with lights" by Nick Berry (then from Eastenders) when he mistakenly did a panto season there.

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Re: Thats no apeman

You forgot to mention Bert, the beer soaked pub Alsatian who would bite any unspecting patron who tried to stroke it. I think the beast could of been Nick from the Anti Nowhere League.

Oh, and I think it was coke I asked for with the Glenmorangie!

Happy Days.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Thats no apeman

You'd admit to coke?? Sinner!

Bert, forgotten him, a seriously mangy hound referred to by one patron as the 'animated carpet' - he had a great nose for coppers doing a bit intelligence gathering. Apart from Nick, that pub had enough hairy psychos in residence to keep the whole planet in Yeti's. Mad Harry, Knuckles, Fester...

A pub like the Sussex is unimaginable these days, but doubly remarkable that it existed in a town with its collective head stuck so far up its own arse.

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Re: Thats no apeman

As good as lived in that pub from the mid 70’s to its “refurbishment” in the mid 80’s. Never once saw any grief inside. The local CID where easy to spot as we all knew the reg plates of the MK2 Escorts they drove and the fact they only drunk half pints. Barbara was great with her “we’ve had your money, now f*** off!” at closing time. One time I moaned at Dave that the fire in the Kent bar wasn’t burning well. He suggested that I buy a large brandy to throw on it to get it going. So I did. Didn’t work….

Back to the “apeman”. For a time a couple of the bikers slept in an old wardrobe on the common. Would freak out the early morning dog walkers as they emerged from it in the early morning mist!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Thats no apeman

...reg plates of the MK2 Escorts they drove and the fact they only drunk half pints"

You forgot the mirror polished shows and neatly trimmed 'taches. They could always do scruffy dress, but could never quite bring themselves to change the shoes. I remember being quite sincerely accused of being "DS" myself by a seriously pissed guest nutter from the Carlisle in Hastings because I had a watch that was considerably more upmarket that the rest of my attire.

The Sussex really would be worth a book in its own right; I still meet people around the world from time to time who, if you mention Tunbridge Wells, will ask if you knew that "brilliant pub with chamber pots and german sausage hanging from the ceiling.". I'd forgotten Barbara's exact refrain, well remembered.

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Re: Thats no apeman

A lot of the interior fittings including the chamberpots, and maybe some of the apemen, were shipped to a pub in Australia, the Fox and Hounds, Wongawallan, Australia.

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"In 1991, five members of the Territorial Army fought off the beast with stones and verbals on Blue Bell Hill"

There goes the TA showing off their latest weaponry then.

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Bugger off will you please!

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Coat

Eight foot tall and demonic red eyes? Call that an Apeman?

When I was a lad.... Apemen were so big the whole universe would fit in the split ends of one bristle of his furry back.

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Bet it's that bloke from the B3TA newsletter ages ago

Who did the baiting of the local Tunny Wells paper with all the stories about the monkey man

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkeyman_superhero_hoax

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