back to article US condom rules 'will cause nasty RED RINGS on porn stars' todgers'

City of Angels porn actors will in future be required to sport condoms for their performances after Los Angeles County voters gave the thumbs up to the "Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act", aka "Measure B". The act was proposed to prevent "thousands of performers contracting preventable sexually transmitted infections, …

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Anonymous Coward

movin on up

More to the point, porn production will move another 20 miles up the coast from the San Fernando Valley into Ventura County.

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Re: movin on up

Very true about that move, least for filing. Editing and the rest can still be located as is.

Sad thing about all this is, had the FDA done any reasearch. Well those expenses would not go down too well I suspect. So somebody was dammed either way.

Still on the plus side I feel better being told I have a FDA approved phalus, no wait, oh well.

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Coat

Re: movin on up

"Very true about that move, least for filing."

Filing: The entering of a legal document into the public record.

Was that meant to be a euphemism?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Was that meant to be a euphemism?

Applying common sense would suggest that it was "filming" and he missed the "m", don't you think? Although film doesn't see much use these days, so "shooting" might be more appropriate. Ooh err missus.

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Anonymous Coward

Conversion

Could we have sizes converted to inches please.

In the US and UK imperial measurements are still in use and I would prefer to measure up in inches thank you.

Using mm just doesn't cut it, that's why Euro sizes appear so small.

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Pint

Re: Conversion

The Register has formally decided to use SI units for everything, with just two exceptions:

1. Pints of [see icon]

2. Aircraft altitude (for which the international norm is still feet)

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/10/17/spb_metric/

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Re: Conversion

You missed the big vote, then, sorry, it's all over now.

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Pint

What about all the sub genres that start with the letter 'c' ?

As above.

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Rainbow

"i've only got a little twanger"

/george

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Happy

I always thought US brand condoms were too small. Nice to see it confirmed.

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Anonymous Coward

UK/US

"47-57mm" is not much different from what you typically find in the UK. Last time I looked in Tesco I found 48, 52 and 56 mm on the shelf.

However, the nominal width doesn't tell you all that much about how comfortable they'll be. There's the variable stretchiness to take account of, and condoms aren't perfectly elastic in any case: you'll notice they tend to be wider after they've been used, so Hooke's law does not even give a good approximation for the pressure they'll exert. You just have to experiment.

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Stop

Re: UK/US

Larger sizes are readily available, even on the high street. For obvious marketing reasons condoms are not sold as 'small'. 'medium' and 'large', even though buying the correct size is of great benefit to those with diminutive tools.

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Anonymous Coward

There must be a new Reg standard unit of measure here somewhere

Title says it all

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Anonymous Coward

Re: There must be a new Reg standard unit of measure here somewhere

I suggest the Ron Jeremy for this particular case. An average male is equipped with 3/4 of a Ron Jeremy, and the largest tool on record is aproximately 1.5 Ron Jeremies.

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Anonymous Coward

Not that readily

You'd be amazed how many chemists, even pretty large branches of Boots et al, don't have much useful choice in this respect. Obviously, if you're too much of a shy little wallflower (like wot I am), then going up to the pretty young pharmacist and bellowing "DO YOU HAVE ANY BIGGER CONDOMS?" is.. mortifying. Trying to do it casually and quietly is even worse, I go pink and start shuffling awkwardly.

I bloody hate them, and always have trouble getting them on- too tight if things are cleared for takeoff (so to speak), and too unmanageable if you try and cheat and roll it onto a semi. It's not like I am the amazing horsecock man, it's a fairly normal size, but there really doesn't seem to be much scope in the standard size.

Being a little shy, the sheer embarrassment of not being able to get them on smoothly could really ruin things. Luckily, also being a sensitive little flower, I am far too likely to be emotionally involved to want to sleep around, so can usually negotiate a condom-free solution with a steady partner.

It's simultaneously funny and really not very funny at all. Still though, willies! (etc.)

- AC because it's waaaaay TMI for people who know me (though they already know that I can use a Galaxy S3 without needing muscle relaxant and a winch)

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Re: Not that readily

I'm too old to be embarrassed these days; but I solved my embarrassment problems back in the day by asking the girl if they have a fitting room. Instantly, all the embarrassment is transferred to the assistant. Works amazingly well.

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Anonymous Coward

S3

Sorry, how exactly are you 'using' that phone?!

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Re: Not that readily

You should try getting them via mail order from internet based suppliers. A rainbow of choices is out there.

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Anonymous Coward

Problem sorted

I was seeing a lovely lass that sorted the problem of putting it on by doing so with her mouth.

It was a trick she was taught when working as a receptionist in a brothel. trufax...

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Re: Not that readily

nowadays you'd be arrested.

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Re: Not that readily

Be difficult to get much of a case out of asking for a fitting room, I think. Asking for a test drive, on the other hand...

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Re: Not that readily

"Obviously, if you're too much of a shy little wallflower (like wot I am), then going up to the pretty young pharmacist and bellowing "DO YOU HAVE ANY BIGGER CONDOMS?" is.. mortifying. "

You are an imposter - NO man would have a problem with that announcement; indeed, most would be happy to grab the PA microphone and say "Pharmacy, we need larger condoms for the stud on checkout 3!"

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Re: Not that readily

The other way to do it is to go into a shop that sells them as singles/two-packs, and start with one that you think will be too small, and return every two days buying the bigger size until you find on that works for the two of you.

You can always give the remaining smaller singles away as Christmas gifts to your younger friends who are trying to start a family.

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Go

Re: Not that readily

Asking for bigger ones is a lot less embarrassing than asking for smaller ones.

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WTF?

Re: Not that readily

i might be missing something here, but if your 'younger friends are trying to start a family' then they wouldnt be using contraception (its main function being to prevent conception (yes and also STD's)) , shurley.....

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Windows

Red ring of death

Better call up Microsoft.

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I'm also too old

But no problem if you are shy: just buy them online.

I do recommend unique condoms.. quite a difference to latex ones..

Just make sure they fit you.. don'y buy bigger unless you really need it or you will have a "crying problem"

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Anonymous Coward

"He notes that the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) requires condoms to be at least 170mm (6.6in) in length, with a nominal width of 47-57mm"

So that's US Large and UK Small.

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"So that's US Large and UK Small."

Comprehension issues as well? When a measurements includes "at least" that means it's the smallest size allowed.

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Trollface

Never heard of Magnums I guess?

Quite a bit larger and fit just fine..... But as someone said above they will just move productions. Idiot Californians always screwing themselves by remove tax money.

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Go

Re: Never heard of Magnums I guess?

What? The empty wrapper? I guess you also get the benefit of the yummy ice-cream too...

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never understood buying in a shop

face to face is traumatic - online is cheaper and discreet! I would sweat quite profusely in Boots, not sure why, it's hardly illegal to need a jonny. I tried these when they launched last year. What can I say -"they fit" :-)

but now I just need to get laid more....

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Why is it traumatic?

You're buying condoms! That means you'll be having sex in the near future!

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Anonymous Coward

That means you'll be having sex in the near future

Nope. It means you WANT to have sex in the near future.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: That means you'll be having sex in the near future

No, it means you're ENTITLED to have sex in the near future.

If nothing seems to move, tentatively put one on and wait a reasonable time. Then return to the shop, loudly complain about your item*'s malfunction, and demand to speak the manageress. That will add more excitement to your week than the 2-3 sessions you hoped for.

(* BOUGHT item, that is)

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Anonymous Coward

I can't imagine that this law will make any difference

Punters just don't buy porn with condoms in. Porn is supposed to be an escape from reality. All that awkward mucking around with condoms just smacks too much of real life.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I can't imagine that this law will make any difference

they must already have made more porn than anyone could watch in a lifetime (or until they went blind), why are they worrying about making more.

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Re: I can't imagine that this law will make any difference

HD, 4K HD and 3D maybe?

Although I've heard that HD makes it very difficult, as not only do they have to dress the sets better, the participants are wanting to have full body make-up to cover body blemishes that used to be too small to see.

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Joke

One size fits all?

Never was a good idea, but it never stopped them. They tried to make pi 3-sized, once. Next, they'll decide that since the average size bust is a C cup, all other sizes of brassiere are banned.

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Anonymous Coward

Measure B

measure what?

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Gimp

Porn for the Yanks

I reckon that the real reason for the condoms is the fact that the film studios are simply shit scared of being sued by the actors.

In any event if you want good porn, there is no point in watching the Yankee stuff, European is the way to go, and if you want real hardcore or just plain disgusting its definately going to be German ( they can get real weird.)

Faffing about with Condoms is about as exciting as visting Esther Rantzens' bathroom.

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Re: Porn for the Yanks

"Faffing about with Condoms is about as exciting as visting Esther Rantzens' bathroom."

There I was having a good old Friday afternoon chuckle at a Bootnotes item when someone, there's always one isn't there, has to spoil things by mentioning the unmentionable.... "Est....." <sigh> it's no good, it's as much as I can do to cut and paste the offending name.

Please, go and wash your mouth out with soap and water.

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Re: Porn for the Yanks

"Esther Rantzens' bathroom"

I forgot to mention that the visit was whilst she was using it .

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Trollface

Re: Porn for the Yanks

They have this magical thing in the film industry called "editing", so they will just stop the cheesey seduction mid-scene, fit the guy with his glove of love and start shooting again.

Either that or they will move filming 20 miles up the road to Ventura county--or maybe even Bakersfield!!

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Facepalm

Re: Porn for the Yanks

"....Faffing about with Condoms....." You seriously need to meet a more experienced partner as there are a myriad number of ways to put a condom on as an enjoyable experience.

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Paris Hilton

Re: Porn for the Yanks

If I yank it, do I still have to wear one?

Paris, because how did we leave her out of this discussion so far.

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Re: Porn for the Yanks

"Faffing about with Condoms is about as exciting as visting Esther Rantzens' bathroom."

If using a condom is too desensitizing, then you need to use a smaller size.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Porn for the Yanks

if you want real hardcore or just plain disgusting its definately going to be German

Bollocks sir. The Japanese are far superior in that regard than the Germans. Where else can you get a scat obsessed former schoolgirl tentacle demon raping a boy who's been tranformed into a girl until she grows some parts back and becomes a futa and starts banging his/her former girlfriend again, who just happens to be a tentacle demon in disguise.

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FAIL

Hello! AYT?

Another industry that will off-shore PDQ... Can you spell Brazil, Thailand, wherever?

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Devil

Re: Hello! AYT?

Brazil? That kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

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