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Jokes of no more than 2 lines

This topic was created by Charles Calthrop .

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Jokes of no more than 2 lines

My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager.

In my defence, I have Kompany, Vidic, Alves and Lahm

Boom.

NEXT

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I'm going to make a massive donation to an anti-rape charity and I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

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Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

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I used to go out with an English Teacher but we eventually broke up because she disliked my improper use of the colon.

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I looked at the price list in the butcher.

Deer's expensive.

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Apparently my sister is into bestiality. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

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Two Blonds walk into a bar

After the first one hit it, you would have thought the other would stop.

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A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says, "why the long face?"

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A woman walks into a cocktail bar, and asks for a double-ententre.

So the barman gives her one.

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Entendre.

Me mate went ice fishing, came home with 40 pounds of ice.

His wife fried it up, and they both drowned ...

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Re: Entendre.

Oops. Thanks for the spelling correction. Typos are bad...

Woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre.

The barman asks if she'd like a large one?

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Stop

Doctor Doctor

Doctor: Bad news, you have terminal cancer and Alzheimer's.

Patient: At least I don't have cancer.

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This post has been deleted by its author

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of chaps saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing.

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Best told with an innocent expression

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

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Because they're ugly, and they smell.

Usually gets a laugh. Sometimes gets stuff thrown at you...

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Sports apparel.

If male rugby players wear jock straps, do female rugby players wear fan belts?

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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

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What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

A carrot

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My last Boss in a nine-to-five ...

... locked his keys in the car.

He had to call a locksmith to get his wife & kids out.

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

A wife finds out that after 20 years of sex in the dark, her husband has been using a toy on her the entire time.

She yells at him, "Explain the toy?!" to which he replied "Explain the kids..."

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What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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What's brown and sticky?

Tigger's mate.

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Re: What's brown and sticky?

Masking tape

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Anonymous Coward

Re: What's brown and sticky?

My poster of beyonce

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Bedroom rodeo - the rules

Call out the name of your partner's sister during sex and see how long you can stay on.

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The old ones are the best ones...

What's big, red and lies on its side?

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A dead bus.

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A study recently concluded that licking the sweat from frogs can cure depression,

The bad news is that when you stop licking the frog gets depressed again.

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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

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I had some bad news yesterday. My old friend Gavin died. Choked to death on a indigestion tablet. It's hard to believe that Gavisgone...

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How many ears does Spock have?

Three - a left ear, a right ear and a Final Front Ear...

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Re: How many ears does Spock have?

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three: His left ear, his right ear & his wild front ear.

(Yes, I know, I'm showing my age. Deal with it ...)

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What's red and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl.

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There's always Lightbulbs.....

How many Quantum Physicists does it take to change a Lightbulb?

One. One to change it and one to normalise the wave function.

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Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

How many American Cocker Spaniels does it take to change a lightbulb?

No need. American Cockers will happily pee on the carpet in the dark.

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Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the bulb must really want to change.

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Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

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Happy

Re: There's always Lightbulbs.....

Can't believe this community missed this old classic.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just re-define darkness as a new industry standard. Boom.

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A woman goes to the doctor and he tells her he has bad news and worse news. She asked, "Well what's the bad news?" to which he said "You've only got 24 hours to live".

She replied "My God! What's the worse news?!" and he says "Yeah.. I forgot to call you yesterday..."

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What's green, got eight legs, and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A snooker table.

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Re: What's green, got eight legs, and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree?

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

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You put your hand in its pockets, and tickle its balls.

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How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Blow it a little boogie.

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What's a ghost's favourite lunch meat?

Boologna

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Man "So how long have I got then?" Doctor "about ten"

Man "Ten what? Years? months? days?" Doctor " Nine, eight, seven......."

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"Vegan" comes from an old Native American word meaning poor hunter.

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Festive

Doctor, Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck in my bum.

No worry's, I've got some cream for that.

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A man goes to the doctor and finds out he's going to die soon. He acts the doctor, "How long do I have to live?"

The doctor says "Ten..." and the man asks, confused "Ten what? Days? Months?" The doctor replies "Nine... eight..."

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Hear the one about the magic tractor?

It went down a lane and turned into a field.

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A man in a pub asks for a pack of helicopter-flavoured crisps.

The barman says "Sorry mate, we've only got plain".

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What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

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