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back to article Microsoft's 'official' Windows 8 Survival Guide leaks

[Note: We received this FAQ document anonymously and cannot confirm its authenticity. However, it has such dead useful advice, we thought we'd share it with you - Eds] Q. Who is this guide for? A. This guide is for users who want to take advantage of new technologies in Windows® - such as faster performance, shorter boot time …

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TRT
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Meh

"From the Metro Start menu that isn't a Start menu, type "Default" and start the Default Programs application"

Type? What's that?

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Anonymous Coward

Type? What's that?

Verb. Archaic. The action of issuing an instruction or inputting text into a computer system by the manual operation of "keys" on a "keyboard" or a software emulation thereof. No longer considered relevant for modern users.

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Bloody brilliant!

(The article not the OS)

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Windows

"The article not the OS" I entirely agree that the article is very witty - it also manages to be...

.....genuinely informative at the same time, not an easy trick to pull off. If some people could manage to stop howling for a moment they might discover that the os is nowhere near as bad as they think it is, in fact in desktop mode it is pretty damn good* (although not good enough yet or as good as Redmond are claiming, but when was that new with regard to a Windows release?).

*The touch UI on a suitable device also works extremely well in the functional sense, however, you do not want to hear me on the subject of my opinion of its visual design and the limited customisation possibilities with regard to its appearance - trust me.

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Anonymous Coward

Are you for real?

Not sure if serious or just stupid time wasting article

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47

Re: Are you for real?

I suspect you may have missed the humour then, it's a satirical piece

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Devil

Re: Are you for real?

If it's a joke, then it's serious; if it's official MS document, then it's a stupid time waste of time.

Savvy?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Are you for real?

It's Satire. Are you American by any chance? Often find they don't understand more nuanced humour

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Anonymous Coward

Are you for real?

Not sure if (you're) serious or just a stupid time wasting comment.

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: Are you for real?

It is a clever time wasting article. Yes, they are for real.

Heisenfeatures are not, of course, limited to Microsoft products.

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FAIL

Re: Are you for real?

Are you lost or something?

There's clearly nothing for you here, please be a good chap and move along.

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

Joke

Re: Are you for real?

@Eadon

Hang on a minute...... You mean Win8 is real?? I thought MS were doing a huge viral campaign showing that 7 could be worse.

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Re: Are you for real?

Hey.

I'm American, and I thought it was hilarious.

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Re: Are you for real?

I think you're confusing satire with tired, unfunny and badly written. Perhaps you also found Mad About Alice to be one of the greatest comedies ever written.

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Re: Are you for real?

Not sure if serious . . .

It's serious. Trust me.

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Flame

Windows 8 promises to be a disaster in offices.

Where I work, many people still use XP instead of W7 for "productivity" reasons; Windows 7 is neat-looking but gets in the way of things. Windows 8, on the other hand, actively inhibits productivity. Now wonder everyone around here doesn't want to switch to it (and that's not counting the "wait until the SP1 is out").

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Re: Windows 8 promises to be a disaster in offices.

But what if your workers need to operate in a modern multi-media cloud enabled social web interactive multi-paradigm environment?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Windows 8 promises to be a disaster in offices.

> But what if your workers need to operate in a modern multi-media cloud enabled social web interactive multi-paradigm environment?

XP with 2 monitors

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Re: Windows 8 promises to be a disaster in offices.

Then for a small consideration, I'll set fire to your office.

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Looks legit to me.

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This is true in all cases, except where it is not

Particularly liked that for some reason

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Anonymous Coward

Re Particularly liked that for some reason

Me too, except when I didn't

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Happy

Re: Re Particularly liked that for some reason

I laughed. Until I stopped

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Linux

Alternatively

format C:

Then install Linux distribution of choice or Windows 7.

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Linux

Re: Alternatively

Recent KDE or Gnome desktops seem equally weird. As does Unity. Why this loathing amongst desktop manager designers for a start or programs menu from which all programs can be chosen ? Why can't I find the application menus I expect in the usual places ? Well I guess Microsoft has to emulate the latest in Linux user interfaces. X Windows was around before Apple plagiarised it and before Windows plagiarised the Apple Mac.

Maybe there is a case for changing the way these things work on smaller touch sensitive interfaces, but that really isn't an excuse for messing up the conventional desktop.

I've migrated to XFCE until the alternate desktops become equally or more usable again.

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Re: Alternatively

X Windows was around before Apple plagiarised it

Both the X Window System and the Mac GUI were introduced in 1984. The latter appeared first, however, with the Mac being formally introduced in January, while X was only announced (on one of the Project Athena mailing lists) that summer.

Of course, X had various predecessors, notably W (from a couple of years earlier), and peers. But then the Mac GUI was largely taken from the Apple Lisa, which started development in the late '70s.

So to claim that Apple "plagiarised" X is unsupportable.

Nor is it necessary. X - and W before it - is far more capable than older versions of Apple's GUI in a number of important ways, particularly in its presentation/management split and consequent ability to run equally well locally or across a network connection. X also stands out from the various 1980s PC GUIs for separating the server and window manager, letting users control the GUI user experience. Apple and Microsoft went their own, lesser, route.

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I'm not a hater, but...

I loved this article.

In the old days, I would have used the 'Rate this article' slider at the bottom, but apparently I have to force all the other commentards to read my uninteresting thumbs-up these days.

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Coat

A suggested subtitle...

'Don't Panic'

Obviously.

Mines the one with a copy of Linux System Administration in the pocket.

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Re: A suggested subtitle...

Alternatively:

"Stay calm and carry on"

{using w7}

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Devil

Re: A suggested subtitle...

"So you've installed W8? PANIC!"

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Anonymous Coward

PLEASE - Look, Irony........

It's not a kind of metal you know :-)

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Go

Re: PLEASE - Look, Irony........

Of course, everyone knows it's actually an adjective. Use it in a sentence? The earth's crust is quite irony.

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May be a bug or may be a feature

That'll be a Heisenbug, then...

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Joke

Re: May be a bug or may be a feature

But in principle, you may be uncertain until you actually try it ;)

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Re: May be a bug or may be a feature

Does that mean that when it blows up in your face it's a hindenbug?

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Hilarious!

Very good.....

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Shitpeas in Orlowski like shocker.

Breaking news, self appointed El Reg critic Barry Shitpeas in a groundbreaking statement, has proclaimed that he actually endorses a Andrew Orlowski article for the very first time.

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Happy

Re: Shitpeas in Orlowski like shocker.

In other news...

Barry Shitpeas' sense of self importance reaches critically dangerous levels. Lucky nobody gives a shit so a Global Apocalype has been avoided. For now.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Shitpeas in Orlowski like shocker.

@ Silverburn

Comedy gold.

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Coat

Re: Shitpeas in Orlowski like shocker.

"Lucky nobody gives a shit so a Global Apocalype has been avoided."

Bit of a typo there. Did you mean "Global Apeacolypse"?

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Re: Shitpeas in Orlowski like shocker.

Breaking news: In a recycling of countless previous statements, everyone else said; "Who gives a toss what Barry Shitpeas thinks?"

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Happy

Re: @ Teecee

He actually thinks?

Wow, I just thought it was a Turing engine with an anti-apple dictionary and sewage farm attached...

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How do I distinguish bugs from features?

"With Windows® 8™, Microsoft® has taken an innovative approach and discarded this taxonomy....

...An aspect of the software’s behaviour may be a bug, or it may be a feature."

Are they just not letting on???

Context switching... Alt-tab, there's my dev environment. Alt-tab there's my graphics editor. Alt-tab there's my email client, Alt-tab, there's my browser. Ohh what are these icons on the toolbar at the bottom, What do they do when I click on them? Wow they switch the context of running programs.... I am so confused.

After reading through that guide I am of the opinion that it is a joke/hoax or Microsoft are far more patronising and arrogant than I believed.

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FAIL

Re: How do I distinguish bugs from features?

Wow... really?

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Paris Hilton

Re: How do I distinguish bugs from features?

"Microsoft are far more patronising and arrogant than I believed."

The satirical article notwithstanding, I'm of this opinion. For me it started around the time Office 2007 was being released and in a TS2 seminar a Microsoft rep says to us, in similar terms, "our focus groups have allowed us to determine that the Ribbon interface is more ergonomic." The entire audience queried, ergonomic for whom?

I have a number of ideas swirling around in my head right now, about keyboard obsolescence, Kinect for Office 2013, multiple screen switching being the same as multiple maximized windows (on 2400x1500 screen you maximize your browser?!) and so on. But I'm just don't have the wherewithal to bother right now. Have to go pretend to do some work today.

Paris, slightly less ergonomic.

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Joke

Re: How do I distinguish bugs from features?

Features you pay for, bugs are free

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Happy

I'm pretty sure this is the first thing Mr Orlowski has ever posted that made me LOL, top notch!

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Waterboarding

That last image looks a lot like the American method used for "Data Extraction".

I wonder what's worse , Waterboarding or accidentaly activating TIFKAM.

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