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back to article Ukraine navy to deploy DOLPHINS WITH GUNS ON THEIR HEADS

The Ukrainian navy is to deploy specially trained dolphins equipped with "pistols fixed to their heads" against possible enemy frogmen, according to reports. Russian newswire RIA Novosti broke the news last week, reporting from the naval base of Sevastopol on the Black Sea. This was formerly home to the Soviet Black Sea Fleet, …

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Silver badge
Happy

Straight from a Bond movie

No mister Bond, the dolphin expects you to die!

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Pint

" judging by their results on minehunting tasks it appeared that the dolphins may not have been taking the whole business entirely seriously."

"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man - for precisely the same reasons. " -- Douglas Adams.

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"Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something." - T. Pratchett

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Joke

So long, punk

and thanks for all the fish - D Adams / C Eastwood

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Silver badge

Well, it's a start

But without frikkin' lasers this bid to take over the world is doomed!

I wonder if trying to train animals for this kind of job is akin to training children as soldiers?

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Re: Well, it's a start

No, it's more like strapping C4 to a koala bear and then detonating it when it hugs an enemy soldier.

It's worse than training kids to be soldiers. It's weaponizing cuteness.

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Anonymous Coward

Exploding Drop Bears?

Now there's an idea!

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Silver badge

Re: Exploding Drop Bears?

The Koala thing was an analogy! Not a suggestion for a new weapons platform!

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Bronze badge
Facepalm

Nothing new there then

I think the Ruskies used trained dogs to carry explosives under armoured vehicles in WW2, Brits parachute dogs in with armed services, as for horses ... well they served warfare well for centuries.

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Boffin

Re: Nothing new there then

And let's not forget attack dogs, war elephants, pigeon-guided smart-bombs, camera-carrying cockroaches, incendiary bomb toting bats, and flaming shock attack pigs.

We've were developing and using 'smart' weapons long before the invention of transistors.

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Silver badge

Re: Nothing new there then

And we should never forget Operation Acoustic Kitty:

'Acoustic Kitty was a CIA project launched by the Directorate of Science & Technology in the 1960s attempting to use cats in spy missions, intended to spy on the Kremlin and Soviet embassies, recording the links between the buildings in the area. A battery and a microphone were implanted into a cat and an antenna into its tail. This would allow the cats to innocuously record and transmit sound from its surroundings. Due to problems with distraction, the cat's sense of hunger had to be addressed in another operation. Surgical and training expenses are thought to have amounted to over $20 million.'

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_Kitty

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Re: Nothing new there then

The problem with the dogs was that they were trained on sovjet tanks, so had a habit of looking for food underneath those delightfull T-34's. You can imagine the results.

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Joke

Re: Nothing new there then

>as for horses ..

And don't forget: they served as 'war fare'...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Nothing new there then

Don't forget camel-mounted cannons.

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Anonymous Coward

Be careful with the training...

From the wikipedia page on Anti-tank dogs.

Soviets used their own diesel-engine tanks to train the dogs rather than German tanks which had gasoline engines. As the dogs relied on their acute sense of smell, the dogs sought out familiar Soviet tanks instead of strange-smelling German tanks.

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Stop

Pistol.

"...Ukrainian dolphins of death will not be required to learn how to shoot ranged weapons such as the Heckler and Koch P-11 or one of its Soviet/Russian equivalents..."

I should hope not. While the things would probably fire underwater, the back pressure caused by having the barrel full of water on firing could cause some exceedingly unpleasant results.

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Pirate

Re: Pistol.

...I should hope not. While the things would probably fire underwater, the back pressure caused by having the barrel full of water on firing could cause some exceedingly unpleasant results....

Not actually an issue. See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=502KryEguA0

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Re: Pistol.

"I should hope not. While the things would probably fire underwater, the back pressure caused by having the barrel full of water on firing could cause some exceedingly unpleasant results."

Ummm: No. They're specifically developed to fire underwater. The Soviet AK variants are actually damaged by firing outside of the water.

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Devil

Re: Pistol.

P11 is an underwater firearm. However, considering the level at which Dolphins rely on sound there is no way in hell you can make one fire this firearm more than once. The negative conditioning from the splitting ear pain will make sure of that. Ditto for the Russian equivalent.

However, there is something else that used to be made in Ukraine which is more suitable. I used to have one of their harpoons - pneumatic reservoir with hydraulic arrow actuation. The thing could split rocks and the end of its range and 200g+ of 9mm metal arrow can do at least (if not more) damage compared to a gun.

It got broken beyond repair in the 90-es - the hydraulics were using sea water and they got clogged up. During that time the Black Sea pollution induced blooms became so bad that they stopped running the regular intercity hydrofoil services because their cooling was being clogged up by gunk faster than they could clean them.

This brings me to the more interesting question - how the hell do the dolphins survive in what has become of the Black Sea. Toxic plankton blooms, industrial pollution, leftovers from the Chernobyl effluent - you name it. Everything you can dream of and even more. Dolphin? In that soup? They will need more money for specialized dermatologist veterinarians than for trainers.

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WTF?

AK variants

@Physx

"The Soviet AK variants are actually damaged by firing outside of the water."

er what?

I dont have an AK47 but is there anything else that I could look after better by using it underwater? my car? my laptop?

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Boffin

Re: AK variants

"er what? I dont have an AK47 but is there anything else that I could look after better by using it underwater? my car? my laptop?"

Because it's a specialised underwater variant, it lacks rifling (firing steel darts) and is simply not designed to operate effectively outside of the water. It reduces the life-span of components.

But don't take my word for it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ASM-DT_amphibious_rifle

"In addition, when it was used out of the water, it wore out quickly—with a barrel life dropping from approx. 2000 to only 180 to 200 rounds."

Anything specifically designed to operate underwater that has moving parts or creates a lot of heat probably isn't going to last as long outside of that environment, because it was designed to be surrounded by, resisted by, and cooled by water. Get a nuclear submarine, but it on bricks, and see how long the props will run for out of water, compared to when submerged.

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Happy

Re: AK variants

wow, thats quite a clever gadget!

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Nev
Thumb Up

Playing The Long Game

This is the first part of the dolphin plan for global domination.

I, for one, welcome our new cetacean overlords....

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Stop

Flipper

I was once sitting on the sea bed filming a dolphin from about 20ft away. When it started to flick it's tail the pressure waves hit me in the gut with quite a force. I think it could easily incapacitate a human if it was nearer and meant business. No pistols needed.

See http://www.southwest.com.au/~kirbyhs/dolphins3.html Paragraph: Jean-Louis

Training them to kill people should be outlawed, hopefully the trainers will suffer.

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Devil

Heavy petting...

I've just stuck a nuke up my cat's arse. Now all I have to do is get Cameron/Clegg/Millipede (delete according to choice) to pet it...

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This post has been deleted by its author

Coat

Re: Heavy petting...

> I've just stuck a nuke up my cat's arse.

Rectum, Ketlan....

(the old ones are the best)

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Mushroom

Re: Heavy petting...

...I've just stuck a nuke up my cat's arse. Now all I have to do is get Cameron/Clegg/Millipede (delete according to choice) to pet it...

Actually, all of those would be fine. Together, if possible. Why not send the cat down to the cellars under Parliament when it's sitting and do even better? Nov 5 is coming up....

(Actually, blowing up Parliament nowadays would probably not be too effective - most MPs don't bother to attend any more...)

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If the weapon is to be triggered by contact

Does that make them kamikaze dolphins?

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Mushroom

I can't believe that no-one's mentioned the chicken-powered nuclear land mine!

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Linux

Flipperski 1 "Dolphin suicide squad - ATTACKski !"

Flipperski 2 "Sir, I'm confused, they're carrying tins of dolphin friendly tuna"

Flipperski 1 "Attack anyway for the glory of the DSSR !"

Flipperski 3 "Sir, I think we're in the wrong pool - this one's full of disabled kids!"

Flipperski 1 "DOHski"

*Penguin - as certainly something fishy about this story

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Pirate

It keeps me awake at night, it does...

The thought of a dolphin not being entirely serious...

One of the few animals on the planet with more sense of mischief than a three-year-old.

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Re: It keeps me awake at night, it does...

Having swam with them and seen how they act... very true, they certainly do have an intriguing sense of mischief. Sometimes bordering on the painful, but considering their sheer strength, they're generally very careful with what they do.

Not sure why they'd need any help though when it came to killing frogmen considering a dolphin tactic to kill sharks is to just swim very hard and fast at them and hit them in the side, either breaking the back or causing enough harm that the shark, however hungry, will leave very fast if still able... and they use team tactics to make this kind of attack possible.

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Re: It keeps me awake at night, it does...

I have to agree, it seems pretty pointless arming them, when they are perfectly capable of killing a human on their own.

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How will they pull the trigger? DOLPHINS DON'T HAVE THUMBS!!!

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So now Dolphins REALLY are the Bastards of the Sea!!

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Silver badge
Pint

Just lost all interest in swimming in those waters.

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Bronze badge
Pint

Flashback to RA2

Hmm I see where they got their idea from, will they have Tesla Coils next?

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FAIL

Out of cash?

Evidently the budget didn't stretch to sharks with the obligatory frikin lasers on their heads.

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Fa love Pa

Already tried...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_of_the_Dolphin

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Silver badge

Dolphin teams?

Are they just trying to one-up the American SEALs?

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Big Brother

Hey Mr LP, if you'd done more than a dog watch as an MCDO you may have met the MMS that is trained in this particular field. :D Relatively easy to do as well, compared to other MMS that is, although I agree they are as temperamental as the mine hunters ;). They are trained to 'nudge' a diver thereby ‘encouraging’ him to surface. The nudge is none too gentle either, trust me. They return to their handler to say "what a good dolphin I am, look a diver!" (Babel fish essential in ear of handler for that part of course). If the diver appears on the surface the dolphin gets a fishy treat, the diver gets apprehended -the jobs a good 'un. No diver, no fishy treat. Pissed off dolphin. Back to diver and said hapless frogman is forced to the surface. Simple. Put a large CO2 hypodermic on the dolphin’s nose and the diver appears first time every time. Funny that. Not that I’m suggesting that that is done of course. Apparently they are the scourge of San Diego harbour during one of the final tests in BUDs training.

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