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back to article Humanity facing GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE

Doomwatchers are painting an apocalyptic picture of a world where weeping humanity is reduced to scraping meagre nourishment from mash without bangers, hole without toad, scratchings without pork and, chillingly, sarnies without bacon. According to the BBC, a drought-hit US maize harvest has forced up cereal prices worldwide, …

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Unhappy

AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

Global panic, riots on the street, and queues for the butchers that will make your average iShop owner on iPhone release day cry..... I can see it now.....

Gonna have to stock up, even if I have to freeze it. Frozen bacon is a set up from no bacon, but only a small one!

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Trollface

Re: AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

It's the aporcalipse!

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Re: AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

aporkalypse

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Coat

Re: AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

All because of mandated ethanol and a bad yield year....

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Re: AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

Crowds of zombie like people eating police officers to stave off the withdrawal symptoms

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Re: AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

I wonder if Baconise actually works, I will test soem on my bacon later!

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Mushroom

Re: AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!

Stop with all the bacon! You are driving me insane.

Due to a medical condition, I can't eat my beloved bacon any more! So eat mine and stop tormenting me!

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Unhappy

OMFG!!! This is the worst thing to happen to IT since... ever!

You MUST suspend the Bacon Sammich competition!!!

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NO!! The competition must go on.

In fact if pork is in short supply, then only the most dedicated baconologists will be tempted to enter.

The freaks and oddballs who despoil the 'holy sandwich of loviness' with such abonimations such as Mayonnaise, cheese or vegetables, will probaby look at turkey rashers to complete their evil butties of the beast

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Megaphone

Vegetables as an abomination yes

Mayo as an abomination hell yes the vile stuff should be banned from everything

But cheese? I mean, american processed cheese sure, anyone using that should be shot in the foot, but a nice mature cheddar, or a deliciously creamy mozzarella can help bring out the true bacony goodness of a bacon sarnie, y'know so long as you don't overload with cheese.

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You can improve a cheese sandwich with bacon but not the other way round.

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The label for American processed cheese clearly says "cheese food". It isn't intended for human consumption; it's supposed to be fed to cheese.

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Happy

Actually, you can improve a cheese sandwich simply by removing the cheese.

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Turkey bacon.

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Mushroom

RE: Turkey bacon.

BLASPHEMER!

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Joke

I blame...

Angry Birds for wanton destruction of piggies

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I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

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Pint

Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

Would you like them in a tree (due to rising sea levels)?

They are so good, so good you see?

You should have them here or there,

You should have them anywhere.

*Bacon sarnies need only six ingredients..

Plain white sliced bread

Butter

Bacon

Small amount of grated mature chedder (grated smoked applewood if it takes your fancy)

HP Sauce (just a drizzle)

One or two sun dried tomatoes, making sure you don't get too much oil on the bread.

Anyway.. if we are currently importing bacon, and we have farmers wondering what to do with their land, then can we not step up and make this once great Kingdom an exporting powerhouse of bacon again (and keep enough back (bacon) for ourselves)?

If the import price is high, then the home grown price should be getting close to equilibrium.. maybe enough to make it worth while for local pig farmers to do what they do best, and export the best of British pork?

Where's the bacon icon?

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Bronze badge

Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

"Bacon sarnies need only six ingredients"

Two ingredients are necessary: bacon and bread.

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Pint

Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

Six ingredients - two slices of bread, four slabs of bacon.

Job done.

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Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

I think you're getting all the downvotes because of the sundried tomatoes.

They may be nice, but they ain't part of trad British nosh.

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Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

I'm a freak I like a bacon ,eggs on croissant .

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Silver badge

Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

" think you're getting all the downvotes because of the sundried tomatoes."

He lost me at "sliced white bread". I could live with that if it was Texas Toast, otherwise bread sawn by hand into doorstep-thick wedges is the only acceptable method.

To be properly British, the flour for the bread should have been clog-milled in Lancashire by burly loom-tenders to the rhythm of traditional concertina music, but that is, alas, impractical today owing to the scarcity of concertinas.

Me I like it toasted too, but can allow that that is optional.

Back bacon, and lots of it, cooked properly but not overcooked.

Cheese is entirely unnecessary, smoked cheese doubly so (one suspects this "cheddar" as never having been within ten miles of the county or indeed of having been made in the UK at all), and the sun-dried tomatoes have no place in a larder of any sort. All they are good for is adding half a quid to the price of an otherwise palatable sandwich and rendering it barely edible. I'm only surprised this so-called recipe didn't involve guacamole, snails or raw fish.

As for the HP, I reserve the right to slather. My sandwich, my rules.

Once again we see that no culinary delight is so good it cannot be rendered entirely naff by someone with pretensions of chef-ness.

Sun dried tomatoes. Applewood smoked cheddar. Azathoth on a Bike.

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Re: I do not like green (eggs and) ham.

"Six ingredients - two slices of bread, four slabs of bacon."

Wrong. Six slices of bacon

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Coffee/keyboard

Bootnote

see title and icon

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Coat

There was a big fire of straw bales here on Tuesday night, right next to a barn with 350 piglets in it.

Was thinking of grabbing a loaf and popping over there...

(AFAIK, pigs OK, hay bales not so good)

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@Ol'Peculier

cf Charles Lamb's Essay on Roast Pig!

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Alert

Doooooomed!

...doomed, I tell you!

Though the sausage appreciation society actually explains what cookies it uses, so kudos there for bacon cookies

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Joke

Re: Doooooomed!

As you were, private Fraser!

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Forgive me - if everyone has to abide by the new rules, why do prices have to increase? Because all your competitors have to do the same anyway, and the only loss will be the cost of the new procedures/equipment spread over your ENTIRE sales for the year. Are we seriously talking more than a percent or two?

And, surely, if we import most of our bacon now we're not really doing it the most cost-effective way anyway. Won't this be a boost for UK farms wanting to farm pigs again?

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Boffin

Young Farmer and Rocket Scientist

We have had very good animal welfare rules for many years, and you will find British pork at the 'premium' end of the supermarket range as good welfare is more expensive than the truly disgusting conditions animals are kept in abroad. Denmark has been a foreign source for many decades#centuries# and is reasonable on the welfare side, but bringing them up to a similar standard to us is going to increase their costs. Southern Asia will only grow as a source for the 'value' end of the market as a result of this and their animal welfare will stay truly terrible for a long as I can forsee.

UK farming is very efficient, but in general we produce everything the most humane way, and that is how we can be undercut on cost. I always buy British and yes, you can taste the difference!

Rocket scientist logo, as you don't have to be to buy the best and buy British

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at a guess...

because farmers will only be able to cram half as many piggies into the giant concrete and steel hangars, and will have to buy slightly less rancid and contaminated food to feed the pigs.

And if most pork is imported, that's a pretty good indicator that foreign pork is cheaper than domestic pork - otherwise it wouldn't be cost-effective to do it.

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British OK then?

So if I understand correctly - the foreign pork will become more expensive as they have to upgrade their farming conditions to match what British farmers already have to do.

So British pork (and especially bacon) should not rise in price (except as dictated by feed prices).

If so, then goody - I always buy British pork and bacon.

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Coat

Totally illogical.

Why a shortage? Obviously if there's a pig-food shortage, then to save the pigs starving we should be eating them at record-breaking pace.

There should be a glut of bacon, we shouldn't be able to move for bacon.

Your reporters should sit and think a minute before they write - they're obviously rasher than they should be.

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Thumb Down

Re: Totally illogical.

It means that when the current livestock have been baconified(tm) they will raise a lot less next time or maybe move to a different type of farming.

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Facepalm

Re: Totally illogical.

fekk sake, you think I didn't know that?

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Facepalm

Re: Totally illogical.

That's a long way to tip a rarie...

(Let's see who gets that one).

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Re: Totally illogical.

Hang on.. if you're talking about the Boer Wars, i think it was penned a good bit after, by Jack Judge..

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Anonymous Coward

Two words....

Long Pig

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: Two words....

You owe me a new keyboard.

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Pint

Re: Two words....

Cannibalism ftw!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Two words....

LOL...damn you, other Great Mind, that was MY comment.... ;)

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Re: Two words....

I shall fetch a rug.

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Re: Two words....

Or just feed people to pigs then eat the pigs.

That way nobody will object

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Re: Two words....

Good idea, and the people of Liverpool can select the pig food.

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Thumb Up

Two more words...

Soylent Green

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Thumb Up

Re: Two words....

As happened in Deadwood.

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Windows

White slime

Slightly off-topic. When I read this I thought "will this make a difference to the price of expensive, dry-cure bacon, or only to the rubbish?"

Then it occurred to me that in the 50% of the bacon sarnie thread that I had the stamina** to read, there was no mention of the horrible white slime emitted by much bacon when it's fried. Will the new bacon rules lead to a reduction in this abomination?

**Need more bacon sandwiches.

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Re: White slime

This is a result of injected nitrites to make the bacon retain more water.

Literally diluting the product.

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