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back to article BOFH: Shove your project managementry up your mailbox!

"So it's agreed then. You'll codify the project and I'll reach out to the developers for the SDK that you need?" the latest IT project manager asks. "By 'codify' you mean I'll write the program and by 'reach out' you mean email?" I respond. "Yes." "Why not just say email?" "I... because I might phone them." "So why not say …

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Hmmmm I can think of lots of meetings that would have been improved by the judicious use, er make that indiscriminate use of a cricket bat.

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Coffee/keyboard

Cricket bats are a bit unwieldy... Baseball bats on the other hand would be quite effective!

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You may like the Basic Instructions logo

Another site, with 'toons, that has the right attitude towards user support. Link

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Gold badge

There's no edge on a baseball bat........

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Alert

Re Callam

Now I find that a good rounders bat is a decent compromise - it's short enough that you can get a decent amount of power from a short swing, plus it's more easily concealable :)

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Anonymous Coward

The type of bat doesn't matter...

...so much as how many nails it has in it.

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Anonymous Coward

Cricket bats versus baseball bats

While baseball bats may be more comfortable to use, they lack the depth of sound that a cricket bat provides when the PM is dispatched to the boundary....

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Coffee/keyboard

A cricket bat is fine if you know how to use it.

Personally, however, I'm a bigger fan of the big stick with a nail through it (not sure how that translates into Project Management-ese, and that's a fact of which I am pretty proud of!)

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Silver badge

The cricket bar, an elegant weapon from a bygone age - not as clumsy or random as a shotgun

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Mushroom

Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

While baseball bats may be more comfortable to use, they lack the depth of sound that a cricket bat provides

Oh I don't know about that now, the 'oul aluminium (ah-lumi-mun to 'merkins) baseball makes a pleasant sound when it strikes something.

My own personal favourite is a 6lb copper faced dead blow hammer, the copper face is particularly useful as it doesn't create sparks which could accidentally set fire to the PM's petrol soaked clothes.

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Aye ye cannae beat a dod o wood wi a nail thru it.

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Pint

@ Matthew 3

"Humpification process". Heh.

His instructions were a tad unclear, though...

imgur.com/gallery/J7HSN

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Anonymous Coward

Or as Clint said...

"I do love a good piece of hickory"

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Or as Clint said...

Correction:

"Nothing like a good piece of hickory."

(It's been a while since my last good Spaghetti Western party.)

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Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

Point of clarification, please;

Is it still counted as a four if only part of the PM crosses the boundary?

What about if the part that does cross the boundary is not attached to the rest?

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Facepalm

Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

Wish I had some cricket bats, all I am allowed in this H&S culture is a padded baseball thingy.

Even then when using it I have to raise near miss forms and then have someone assess and say how it can be avoided :(

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Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

An aluminium baseball bat will produce a thoroughly satisfying *PING* when impacted upon a miscreant's head.

http://bit.ly/ON0jFs

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Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

The rules of cricket say "the ball" has to cross the boundary, not part of it. Thus the whole PM needs to cross. If the ball splits in half then the umpire must signal a dead ball. If the PM splits in half then the PM is declared DOA at the hospital.

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Anonymous Coward

stick and nail

That would be the incentivizing corrective action implement

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Pint

Best not assume

I had a fellow take a swing - two actually - at me with a stick with a nail through it. He connected neither time. After I took the stick away from him and removed the nail from it - converted it to toothpicks more or less, he concluded I might be a bit irritated and ran like a hare. I didn't even put him in the hospital.

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Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

An aluminium baseball bat will produce a thoroughly satisfying *PING* when impacted upon a miscreant's head...

Maybe it's a generational thing, but I always thought the sound of an aluminum bat rather wimpy. For my money, there's nothing like the sound of a good old ash Louisville Slugger catching the ball (or a PM's head) right on the sweet spot, about halfway between the label and the tip of the bat -- that "home run sound" as many ballplayers like to call it.

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Mushroom

Re: a good rounders bat ...

In other words, a baseball bat

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RE: indiscriminate use of a cricket bat.

Nah!! Not me.

I would suggest the indiscriminate use of an electric cattle prod.

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Pirate

These all have their place, no doubt, but I find them a bit unwieldy in the confined space of a typical meeting room.

Consider the advantages a good half brick has to offer. Easily concealed in a laptop bag, where it could be mistaken for a power supply. Still heavy enough that it can do serious damage at the end of a round-arm hay-maker. Easily wielded, no matter how constricted the space or how close the consultant has managed to get. And so easily blameable on the builders doing modifications down the corridor.

"There's been a terrible accident! He's tripped and hit his head on this half brick the builders left lying around..."

Bring two of them and you have a "competitive tendering process" ready-made.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Cricket bats versus baseball bats

"The rules of cricket say "the ball" has to cross the boundary, not part of it. Thus the whole PM needs to cross. If the ball splits in half then the umpire must signal a dead ball. If the PM splits in half then the PM is declared DOA at the hospital."

Well if "the ball" has to cross the boundary, the only part of the PM which has to cross is his testicle. The rest is irrelevant, attached or otherwise.

What if the PM has two testicles? He doesn't, because all PMs are Hitlers, and Hitler has only got one ball (the other is in the Albert Hall). Oh look, Godwin's Law!

What if the PM is female? Same rules apply: all PMs are Hitlers and therefore have one ball.

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Oh God, I have a client that's exactly like that.

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Pirate

He attacked you for planning a project and adding in lots of extra stuff

Well i hope you have a good health care package!

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Reminds me ..

of a line lfrom the Chris Morris' Day-to-Day.

In response to a managment consultant...

"Do you have a Armitage Shanks defecation interface experience, or do you take sh*t like the rest of us?"

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Re: Reminds me ..

Among the many pearls of wisdom from Chris Morris.. a true genius

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Re: Reminds me ..

I came out with one here a while back:

"A verbal representation paradigm for exanguination incidents and their postulated relationships with previously established facts."

Or, put more simply, "stating the bleedin' obvious with loads of wankwords".

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Hahahaaaa

OK, this one I must preserve.

It deserves to be a chapter in the next PRINCE II manual ..

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Hahahaaaa

I appreciate its a tech have a bash at PMs site. But this is somewhat bollocks and doesnt align anything like to PRINCE2. The PM doesnt write the business mandate or magic their own budget. It would be the business dictating these and agreeing to the project deliverables, cost and timescales.

Part of the PMs job is to break down all the bullshit that techs and marketing people love, into what people can understand and deliver.

So yeah a good laugh but not reality at all and you would just look like a tool in front of a professional PM.

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Re: Hahahaaaa

The project management methodology formerly known as...

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Unhappy

Re: Hahahaaaa (@ac 12:56)

Really? Really??? Do you really, seriously, honestly-cross-that-shrivelled-thing-that-might-be-a-heart believe that Project Managers actually add anything (except time and misery) to a project. Wow. That's... touching. Really touching.

"...align anything like to PRINCE2" - and you claim to try to make things understandable?

"The PM doesnt write the business mandate or magic their own budget" - or, um, do anything useful?

Maybe I'm unlucky and have never worked under a decent project manager. Or the majority of PMs are genuinely crap at anything other than marketing doublespeak.

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Pint

Thank you Simon - Crap week, great Friday now!

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K
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BoFH rides again..

Brilliant... Just when I thought BoFH was losing his edge..

Perfect way to start my Friday morning.

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What do you mean

'new wave of project managers'? Didn't they always talk crap??

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Silver badge

Re: What do you mean

Yes it's always been like that.

The technical brief, "put one less rock on each layer until you come to a point" - became in management speak:

Bird with squiggly line, man walking sideways, man with dog head ....... and so on....

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Re: Didn't they always talk crap?

Oh yes, this is ten to twenty years out of date.

But, none-theless, the best BOFH story for about 18 months. Brilliant.

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Devil

Re: What do you mean

Well sure. That's why they call it a BM degree. Still, each new generation likes to think they are talking all new, more effective crap.

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Business-ese

Arrghh every time I hear the new phrase for 'email' - "reach out and touch base", I keep thinking of the start of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus.

"Low hanging fruit" I keep thinking of them in the garden of eden. Arrgghh mine eyes!

"I'm all over this project" conjures up images of the speaking party as a spider splicer.

Since when did excel spreadsheets become artefacts? Sounds like something from an Indiana Jones film.

I dread to think if these people ever tried to build a house - A homo sapien container implementation with interfaced functional area componentry, implemented in brick.

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Devil

Re: Business-ese

Low hanging fruit - the ones dogs have pissed on

Blue sky thinking - don't understand the issue in question

Think outside the box - you're clearly in the wrong box

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Mushroom

Re: Business-ese

Low hanging fruit - What you aim at with the stick

Blue Sky Thinking - We used to call them Airheads

Think outside the box - Because you surely aren't able to when you are inside it

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Re: "touch base"

How much I loathe this! My usual answer to 'let's touch base' was: 'fuck all will I do! And keep your hand of me.'

Yes, that was at a time my leaving was already in sight.

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Re: Business-ese

"Think outside the box" was a rather cool expression for about a week; then, suddenly, everybody and their cat was using it.

Nowadays, it's one of my favorite expressions because I can use it to determine whether or not someone's had a single original thought in their lives. As soon as they say "think outside the box", I can be fairly sure that nothing else they say is worth listening to.

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Bullshit bingo

Management speak is why use one normal word when you can use a rare concoction of meaningless drivel which only appeals to other managers.

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Hahaha, far too many of us will have been in these meetings sometimes. Only one thing, other than non-mindless violence of course, for meetings like this: Bullshit Bingo!

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Big Brother

"Simon"?

C'mon, we all know it's Charlie Stross under a pen name. We have the evidence.

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Devil

Re: "Simon"?

You know that Bob Howard*'s middle names are Oliver, Francis?

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Devil

Re: "Simon"?

Indeed, and at one point he had a junior assistant whose initials were PFY.

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