back to article US federal boffins insist that mermaids DON'T exist

The US's National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has been obliged to issue a statement clarifying that "no evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found", in the face of a tidal wave of citizens calling to demand the truth about mermaids. The Roswell-style conspiracy theory kicked off after Animal Planet aired …

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Facepalm

Land of the free...

...home of the barking mad.

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Re: Land of the free...

IKR, I mean how can those scientists say mermaids dont' exist? Madness!

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WTF?

Re: Land of the free...

Next they'll be telling us that hermit crabs don't sing calypso!

(or even get their songs covered in a masterstroke of musical genius by Shaggy)...

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Re: Land of the free...

Not mad. We have a whole shedload of morons here who believe everything that looks like it might be non-fiction. Hence the whole controversy of DaVinci Code while Brown facepalmed with an exasperated exclaimation of "It's FICTION people". Or the outcry after Fox aired that 'alien autopsy' show back in the 90s. Or the need for a government agency to announce that mermaids don't exist, no doubt after much shaking of heads in disbelief.

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Re: Land of the free...

We put our crazy in the water. That and the pervasive belief that our governing bodies are all lying, cheating scum. Mix it together in the land where "anything is possible," and you have a situation where anything is believable.

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Re: Land of the free...

Next they will say there is no god.

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Anonymous Coward

The truth about MERMAIDS:

It was a terrible film.

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Re: The truth about MERMAIDS:

Reminds me of a very similar program a while ago (Same studio?) about dragons, presenting the fictional-but-blured story of a discovery of a dragon corpse and 'scientific' explanations of how such a creature could evolve and function. I blame the Da Vinci Code: That book showed that blending truth and fiction together to the point they are hard to distinguish can make for a very popular and profitable work.

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IT Angle

Re: The truth about MERMAIDS:

The truth is mermaids are not found in American waters but instead near Japan. A witness to a battle between Cthulhu and the Amazonian Mermaids gave Japan its flourishing tentacle porn industry.

True story.

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Re: The truth about MERMAIDS:

Where do that cat girls come in? Don't go telling me they are not real!

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Joke

Reminds me of a Yes Minister line

"How do you know it's not true ?"

"It's not been officially denied yet"

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Looking in the wrong place

Try Dunwich, Massachusetts.

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Re: Looking in the wrong place

Dagon will rise again!

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Re: Looking in the wrong place

Its beginning to look a lot like Fishmen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tTHn2tHhcI

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Re: Looking in the wrong place

I think you mean Innsmouth...

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Angel

Damn. And I was hoping they'd answer the age-old problem - how do you actually

reconcile the half-fish explanation with the lateral fluke and vertical tail movement typical of a cetacean, rather than the vertical fluke and lateral motion of common fish species.

Oh, you were thinking of that other problem? Sorry...

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Paris Hilton

Re: The Other Problem

How do mermaids have sex?

Paris, because there's no "Where's the Daryl Hannah angle?" icon.

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Re: Damn. And I was hoping they'd answer the age-old problem - how do you actually

The only time witnesses would get a good look at the tail is when the mermaid is on land (It may be assumed they frequently rest upon shore or exposed rocks, perhaps to interact with humans or escape sharks). On land the mermaid would have to twist her (do they even come in male gender? Maybe they breed via amazonian reproduction, thus explaining why they need to seduce human men) body around ninety degrees to lay her tail flat, to prevent uneven stress from damaging the delicate fin. This slightly-uncomfortable position would present anyone watching with the illusion of a horizontal tail, rather than the vertical shape it would take when in water.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: The Other Problem

"How do mermaids have sex?"

Well if Joefish is right and they are half cetacean, then it could be something to do with blowholes. Which is even more Paris.

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Re: The Other Problem - It's obvious

In a Futurama episode (not well remembered), Fry's new mermaid wife said...

"I suppose I deposit my eggs under the pillow, then you squirt your sperm onto them, then we wait for our babies to hatch."

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well you did ask

The mermaid secretes a fine mucus containing millions of small eggs into the water. The eggs are ingested by a host, in this case human, and hatch within the gut into billions of small worm like creatures. If the host is male the worms slowly, over many years, consume the host from the inside until all is left is a writhing corpse. If on the other-hand the host is female the miracle of life continues as the worms travel into the womb. Any existing host fetus is consumed. The worms then bind to the womb and hijack the fertilization process of the host, injecting their own genetic material into the process. Any fetus developing in the host's womb will now have "three parents". It takes 4-6 months for the chimera fetus to grow into an infant mermaid, a hybrid of mermaid and host parents, at which point it sits in wait for the host to come into proximity with water. Once that happens the female host will give spontaneous birth to a slimy eel-like creature. The infant's instinct is to flee to deep water. Over subsequent years the infant will grow and features and characteristics of the host will emerge. In the case of a human host the resulting mermaid will appear half-human. The reason why most mermaids are typically human female is because the fertilization hijacking process breaks the typical 50/50 male/female stat and instead biases for 95/5 female/male.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "typical of a cetacean"

Cos taxonomy wasn't exactly a science back in the day? Clearly they're half cetacean. Not much call for mammary glands on fish, and they don't seem to have any exclusively fishy characteristics. It also explains the whole mermaid sex thing (hint: dolphins do it intromissively, too).

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Re: "typical of a cetacean"

Hmmm.

A few moments thought would suggest that given the upper half of a mermaid is mammalian (often abundantly so), it makes sense that the lower half should share mammalian traits as well. So instead of all that nonsense of squirting a cloud of eggs out, the lower half of a mermaid would share traits with a whale or possibly a shark.

So what I'm saying is that you still get to hide the pink sea snake under the kelpy forest.

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Re: The Other Problem - It's obvious

I'm more reminded of the Family Guy scene where Lois is rescued by a merman, and he wants something in return: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS5R3oA9Xk0

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "typical of a cetacean"

"A few moments thought would suggest that given the upper half of a mermaid is mammalian (often abundantly so), it makes sense that the lower half should share mammalian traits as well. So instead of all that nonsense of squirting a cloud of eggs out, the lower half of a mermaid would share traits with a whale or possibly a shark."

A shark being a "fish" of course and not a mammal...

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Re: "typical of a cetacean"

A good catch AC and as always I thank the El Reg Comment Crew for pointing out a minor technicality as the basis for tossing an entire argument out of the window.

The point I was trying to make is that both whales and sharks undergo underwater docking procedures when they mate. But hey, when the mermaids finally take over the world, I'll be happy to inform them that you're ok with just wanking yourself into the open ocean while the rest of us work on the building of mermaid-human hybrids.

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Disney to file lawsuit in 3...2...1...

Noone wins but the lawyers!

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FAIL

America stop trying to out crazy Japan! You'll never win unless you stop being such prudes.

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Trollface

Futa bondage mermaids?

....well, better not.

On second thoughts, it would be easier to get the tentacles into the storyline.

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'bloop'

I thought it had been fairly widely agreed that the location / origin of the 'bloop' was R'lyeh. But, I suppose that would be a reasonable place to find some kind of HalfSomething, halfSomethingelse type creatures...

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Alien

No evidence of Mermaids.

Proves there is a conspiracy to cover up all the evidence.

So if they are covering up the evidence then Mermaids must be real.

Or something....

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There are no mermaids, because the dragons ate them all

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Anonymous Coward

But there are trolls

I've seen evidence of their work in many a forum..

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Unhappy

Oh dear.

It's looking more and more likely that that one night stand in Robin Hood's bay was actually a seal.

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Holly: What's happening, dudes?

Cat: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish. Hey, it's Miranda - my girlfriend!

Holly: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom.

Cat: No, that's the stupid way round!

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Anonymous Coward

BS

And next thing they'll try to make us think that selchies don't exist either.

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Black Helicopters

Oh Dear, Lester

"Presumably, this was part of a Cold War experiment to fuse Area 51 alien DNA with mermaid material, thereby creating a superstrong aquatic biological weapon which could be trained to swim towards Russian warships with explosives strapped to its nose."

You have just released details of the US new secret weapon. You could only have discovered this by breaking in to at least 100 web sites. You must have caused at least a quadtrillion dollars worth of damage on the way AND leaked secrets to a foreign power. I fear extradition papers are even as I write this on their way to the US Legal Representative (aka, Theresa May) for her to rubber stamp.

Nice to have known you.

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Paris Hilton

The Do Exist...

I was out with a Mermaid last week end, how else do you explain the smell?

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Re: The Do Exist...

You're a misogynist with poor personal hygiene who goes into a panic sweat when confronted by women?

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Coat

Re: The Do Exist...

Dunno, but the white stuff on your moustache suggests you've blown a seal...

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Happy

Great Big Sea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FM9UyBQELc

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One question...

What lunatic imagination made the leap from sonar surveys killing off whales and the Bloop to 'Mermaids are real'? That's got to be one of the most absurd leaps of (dis)logic I've ever seen.

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Megaphone

If merpeople /would/ exist...

Then I think they'd be much better off if they never came into contact with our "civilization" for reasons well shown in the past. Just take a look at what happened to 'surprisingly' discovered African tribes, then ask yourself how they got discovered in the first place. And finally the part hardly anyone cares about: ask yourself how they're doing now; usually "persuaded" to move to another location because obviously; there was a good reason they were where they were, and we want to have, errr, 'share' that as well.

note: Mermaids? Sure, nice fantasy; but when talking about a whole species wouldn't "merpeople" or such be a better suited description? ;-)

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Re: If merpeople /would/ exist...

You're assuming they're not vastly more powerful than us and just tolerating our existence for as long as we don't cause them problems. Read "The Jennifer Morgue"...

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Thumb Up

Is it April?

Land of the free, home of the retarded. As in teh definietion - to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

And in this case the 'mental' development of Americans.

I blame it all on FOX TV, you have all seen FOX TV right? FOX news where nothing is actually real or based on fact.

But the UK has the same % of morons, they think TOWIE is entertaining.

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Sexy Beasts

It concludes that the question of why mermaids "occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples" is "best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists".

And sexologists surely

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Facepalm

Gabon and Congo

I worked in Gabon and Congo [B, not DRC / Zaire] for the best part of two years. During that time I heard many reports of reports of people seeing mermaids.

It is part of African culture, certinaly central and eastern, from Gabon Congo through to Kenya and Tanzania. The "stories" are repeated and retold, and, much like we have ghosts and goblins, there are a sizable number of people who do "believe".

I was working with a couple of Kenyans in COngo and they told me that you should never have sex with a beautiful woman, becuase she could turn into a fish!

The logic was never really explained, they could not explain /how/ she would do this, but they did /believe/.

Funny old world 'eh!

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Facepalm

...government of the people, by the people...

Stories like this during an election year just fills me with so much confidence about the direction of the US I just may burst!

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Oh, and one more thing...

Just to make sure I have this straight. Moon landing, not a chance, must be fake. Mermaids existing, totally believable.

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