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back to article Reg hack attempts gutsiest expenses claim EVER

We're certain that plenty of Reg readers have at one time or another been given short shrift by the company finance department for presenting a dodgy receipt as part of an expenses claim. Last weekend, though, we obtained a bit of paper which we reckon would be hard to beat if you're determined to be shown the beancounters' door …

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Pint

Well...

Pep = Pep Guardiola

Obe = Obi Wan Kenobi

Juli = Julius Caesar

I have no idea bout the last one

But if you will drink in such esteemed company, then you should expect a cracker of a drinks bill!

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Pint

Re: Well...

"Obe = Obi Wan Kenobi"

Shurely Ben would have said "These aren't the hacks you're looking for"?

Colin

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WTF?

OMG!

An expenses beancounter with a sense of humour? whatever next? hens with teeth? :-)

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Errrr....

£98 between 8 people is just over £12 per head. Seems okay to me.

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Re: Errrr....

True but that napkin specifically says a total of 9800.

You know what these reporter types are like.

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Re: Errrr....

"True but that napkin specifically says a total of 9800"

No, it doesn't, it says 98'00, which is the traditional way of writing 98.00 in Spanish.

It is traditional as calculators have made us change it to 98,00

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Errrr....

"It is traditional as calculators have made us change it to 98,00"

I haven't come across a calculator that uses a comma! Perhaps it explains why I see numbers written thus: 100.000,00.

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Re: Errrr....

Not in rural Spain it's not, that's daylight robbery.

You'd expect to be having dinner, including the wine, for that sort of sum.

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Anonymous Coward

On the continent...

Most countries use a comma to denote a decimal and a point/full stop/period to separate thousands. Hence 100.000,00 is one hundred thousand with 2 decimal places.

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Holmes

"Seems okay to me."

Except for the fact that in Spain the unit of currency is not the UK Pound.

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Re: "Seems okay to me."

Not yet. Give it time.

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Re: On the continent...

That would explain how Greece got itself where it is today. Some well meaning bloke doing the budget knocked off about six zeroes, rubber stamped it, and passed it on.

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Re: On the continent...

Yup, same in Greece.

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Boffin

No good, I can't get the numbers to add up...

Even with the bits in the box bottom centre (with an arrow indicating they might want to be friends with the terraza numbers), they *will* insist on adding up to 89.50... you might want to get your next meal somewhere else!

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Pint

Seems a perfectly legible & reasonable claim to me

At least it's in something approaching English.

My finance department get very upset with me when I submit receipts in Arabic or from Taxi drivers.

Guess which are easier to decipher?

Friday? Beer...On expenses

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Unhappy

Re: Seems a perfectly legible & reasonable claim to me

The company I worked with often just waived through receipts from China as they had no way of knowing what was on the receipt. Then they outsourced expenses processing to china. Icon says it all.

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Re: Seems a perfectly legible & reasonable claim to me

When I was in France it was common practice for a bar waiter to give you a printed receipt with each order.

When you paid they ripped the receipts almost in half to signify the receipt was paid. Add in the fact that I hardly ever saw a receipt with the correct date and time on it, and the wisest course of action was to submit them to the French accounts department, not the English one.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Seems a perfectly legible & reasonable claim to me

You missed a trick - it's common in French restaurants to ask for a non-itemized bill for your "note de frais". It's quicker for the restaurants too rather than making separate itemized bills when you've got a group of people eating out. With the added bonus of your accounts department not having to know that you had €20 worth of drinks as part of your €35 dinner.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Seems a perfectly legible & reasonable claim to me

Which is precisely why my company won't pay any claim that isn't accompanied by an itemized receipt and the names of all who partook. :(

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Trollface

Was you dealing with Chloe Smith MP - as this looks like her sort of accountancy handy work.

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Headmaster

"Was you dealing"

I think you was meaning to said "were you dealing"

*Post deliberately screwed up to comply with Muphry's Law

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Unhappy

Was I?

Were I?

On my face (where's eye)

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JDX
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Pint

€1.10 for a beer?

yum

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Re: €1.10 for a beer?

Yes but it will more than likely be a little euro beer rather than a pint.

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Anonymous Coward

Ahem

There is a certain strip club in Amsterdam which prints the receipts with little silhouettes of dancing girls in the background. It is damn difficult to claim those evenings on expenses, even when the customer insists on attending such venues (not my choice you understand!)

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Re: Ahem

At least you experienced some level of dodginess for your problematic invoice. I recently got lunch and coffees for myself and several colleagues at a pub in Cheltenham. The single item on the receipt was for "nightclub services". That gave me a few problems back at base.

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Pint

Re: Ahem

Almost as difficult as the legendary account of someone who had their company car annually serviced and had to submit the receipt bearing the description of "Escort - service"

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Elf
Pint

Re: Ahem

I've managed to pull that off a few times with a VAR I worked for in San Francisco. I didn't even have to turn in Receipts. (It would seem that both my appearance, and the appearance of our client's Engineers the next day qualified as a "Proper Receipt".)

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Happy

Re: Escort - service

Worse - the details showed that a gallon of oil was used.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Escort - service

...used on a well worn crank shaft and a dry big end!

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Re: Escort - service

And a pair of rubber boots for the half shafts...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Ahem

Now, this may just be urban legend, but apparently there used to be a stipclub in Amsterdam that used to have line items of "Laptop Servicing" :)

Very expenses accountant friendly :)

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Dyscalculia

Adding up terraza and the box at the bottom in the middle with the arrow pointing to the terraza box you get 89 euros. So the barman was numerically dyslexic, surprisingly in his favour, and decided that 98 was close enough. Or more probably thought you'd had so much to drink that 8 and 9 in any order would be the same to you.

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Joke

Re: Dyscalculia

I bet he chairs the DNA in his spare time (National Dyslexics Association)

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Re: Dyscalculia

Forgot to add, if that explanation gets the claim accepted I want a 10% facilitators fee.

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Re: Dyscalculia

Do they have sales tax in Spain? If so that could account for the extra 9 euros. It'd be a high sales tax, but not quite the highest I've ever seen (though damn close to it).

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Re: Dyscalculia

there is VAT, no sales tax in throughout the EU.

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The bill clearly shows 91.10 (+3.30) as the total.

Looks like you've been overcharged 6.90 (unless this is a 7.5% service charge?).

Oh well.

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Or 8% VAT

No I haven't added it up to check.

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Thumb Up

Lester, I don't mind this, erm, receipt thing. But please, tell me how on earth you can pass on the Sunday afternoon drinks with your mates as expenses? I need to know!

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"But please, tell me how on earth you can pass on the Sunday afternoon drinks with your mates as expenses? I need to know!"

team-building exercise, preparatory to attempt to fly rocket plane, emergency planning meeting, sales meeting, team away-day... One must use one's imagination.

In our books, anything that goes under 'marketing' is likely to be more or less dodgy. Appropriate given that's a good definition of the activity.

I once had a very important finance meeting with the MD of one of our suppliers. On the terrace of a rather nice curry house, overlooking a park, on a sunny Saturday evening. I'm sure he put the excellent curry, 2 bottles of wine, coffees and brandies through the books. The fact that the meeting component was finished before I'd finished my first poppadom is irrelevant.

A few years ago I put a skull & crossbones on a 4' flagpole through the books. It was a present for a retiring partner - to go on his grand children's climbing frame in his garden. I still get marketing email from the flag company now.

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Anonymous Coward

@Evil Auditor

Lester whips out mobile and says, "Hey chaps, have you seen this video of Paris, Err, wait a minute not that one. Ah, here it is". Shows youtube video of Vulture I to all present, takes on board any constructive comments then proceeds to get plastered.

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Anonymous Coward

Sheer brilliance

"Lester, I don't mind this, erm, receipt thing. But please, tell me how on earth you can pass on the Sunday afternoon drinks with your mates as expenses? I need to know!"

Easy - Lester managed to get an entire article about his expenses published - that's how. (Of course if the article hadn't been published, then it might have been harder)

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(Written by Reg staff) Bronze badge

Re: Sheer brilliance

Exactly. You see how this ones works? Write article regarding abuse of expenses claim using abusive expenses claim as example, then claim abusive expense as legitimate expense as basis for article. Gents, I'll see you on the terrace next Sunday...

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Re: Sheer brilliance

It had to happen. The SPB have progressed to constructing a Tardis out of tinfoil and discarded toilet paper tubes.

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Anonymous Coward

Had one once when went with couple of other people at a conference to a restaurant. The receipt for all of us was a handwritten note that just said "Meal: 135 euros" (well, it said that in Italian) and when we asked for seperate receipts we got an extra 2 copies of the same note! Anyway accounts dept didn't raise any issue.

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Anonymous Coward

As seen at fashionable charity functions in Austfailia.

Scene: Celebrity auction for charity.

Players: Mostly TV & Tabloid Media types (B-Ark, bottom feeding scum that give rabies a good name)

Action: The cutest blondes get given gorillas in cash (thousands, Sydyny stylee) by Media types (claimable expense)

Blondes win auctions, get multiple receipts. They pocket one, media types share receipts out amongst themselves.

Monday morning: media types claim thousands on expense (from shareholders, ultimately), later claim 100% on tax (as one can do here for "charity" - multiple times from taxpayers)

Result: ALL "charities" in Austfailia are actually horrific loss-making money sinks for the government; effectively taking money away from actually like, you know, providing services. Oxygen-thief upper management effectively just take money from the till, legally. Technically it's all fraud, but who does one actually complain to? ICAC? Most of the Commission were in the room!

Austfailia: You're Standing In It.

Mind you I suspect every Western plutocracy is exactly the same.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: As seen at fashionable charity functions in Austfailia.

Looks like you've drunk 98 euros of beer all by yourself.

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@AC 11:01 GMT

Jealous?

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Facepalm

@Evil Auditor re: Jealous?

Only, I'd imagine, in the same way you'd be jealous of a burglar who broke into your house and pinched your (or your wife's) jewellery.

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