And there I was waiting for the cattle prod
bofh_toppy You know what it's like. Some idiot in senior management buys a crap bit of software online - with functionality that's already built into Outlook, but is just slightly different - and it has to be installed right now. And the moment you double-click on the installer you know you're in trouble when it tells you …
Me too. Nice ending!
give him the prod
Best for a long time!! :)
I got funny looks round the office from sniggering at my monitor :)
it was all the blah blah blahs
.. and the ancient software dilema, although even our ceo wouldve been bullshitted out of it long before that.
Well yeah, there weren't any, for a long time...
Yep, return. This was classic BOFH for me. The rampant mass homicides were drifting into OTT territory I thought, but this was back to the essence of BOFHinry. A lovely way to start my Saturday morning!
Even though it is Friday I needed you and you didn't disappoint
that is all
Outlook was that "crap bit of software" management wants sysadmins to install without even knowing what its good for.
Couldn't agree more. 2010 but besides that zoom function in the scheduling assistant it's still pretty much the same crap as is was 10 years ago.
There's always Lotus Notes :-)
Beer because it's Friday.
I wish I could laugh at this.
Nah, that's Visio.
Excuse me, but did you get the software to work?
Until the next patch is applied and by then the only expert in the country will refuse to go on site so they'll have to pay to fly in an expert from somewhere else.
I think my office uses that software!
I think my company wrote it.
Sounds like the sort of software we'd end up buying and paying a fortune for, then paying even more for the support contract.
I too was expecting: zzzttttt! and the cattle prod
I can't fathom how, but shouldn't the BOFH be able to confront the real problem (i.e. senior executive who wants something installed - this just isn't right) heads-on?
Now guys, there is a simple cure to that problem, which could take one of several different forms.
First possible cure is a `mishap` that causes such `senior executive` to suffer a fall from the roof of the building. Higher is better here.
Second possible cure is an elevator accident. Senior executive could be entering or exiting the elevator, and, without any warning, the doors slam shut on him. Further, the elevator could suddenly move toward the floor with the next call, with senior executive trapped between the doors. Such `accidents are not unheard of (example being: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/15/nyregion/elevator-accident-kills-a-woman-in-a-madison-avenue-building.html ) [and BTW, before some bastard `rips me a new one for being insensitive, the cited case was tragic; but anything that happens to braindead PHB is fair game.]
A third possible cure involves water and electricity. Don't be turning on a light switch while standing ankle deep in water; or something of that nature. I once found this photo of some absolutely stupid idiots with a live electrical power strip FLOATING in a SWIMMING POOL. Too bad I did not save that url.
A fourth possibility involves a bucket of soapy frogs...
and just for sniggering at the monitor?
I actually went "Jesus Maria!" aloud, at the "USB floppy drive".
This was really sneaky, can hardly remove the image from my mind.
Great read indeed!
That was excellent, and so identifiable as we get so many guys like Gregory though our doors to install some small system or other.
Someone in our place bought a system only 2 or 3 years ago which runs on Smartware FFS! None of them have any experience or clue about how large departments work.
I would make an offer on that Ford Granada :) . Better than the Cortina.
I read this, correction, was trying to read and enjoy this, whilst a dell technician rabbited on and on about his archery hobby, rather than replacing the motherboard as he was supposed to.
Could life imitate art a little less in future please?
As above, "BOFH:" always comes first in official episode titles. This BOFH episode must be fake with obvious reproduction errors like that!
Was it the 2.8i Ghia X Executive mk2 Granada, with the manual gearbox and leather seats?
USB floppy drives :) Had a hoke for one of these recently to get an ancient mac up and running.
Have worked with a few "Gregory" contractors. Even the one whos sole purpose was to drill holes in the hard drives of decomissioned servers, and how he had to drill in a specific spot etc. whereas anyone else would've given it trial by drill, wheel, fire and water.
(and ours usually drive oldish Citroens and Saabs. Not classic but just survived banger status. Think XM/Xantia or GM-NG 900/9-5).
An excellent episode that conjures many marvellous images, the USB floppy drive, the roll up keyboard and a battered Daytona Yellow Ford Granddad.
The BOFH and PFY in truly good form.
""You know we're running hundreds of virtual servers, state-of-the-art distributed Net-RAID clusters, six different versions of Linux, three versions of Windows and have developed our own in-house security and tracking system?" the PFY asks."
Now why did I think that would be a just perfectly hidden space for a Spooky IntelAIgent Service ….. unlisted, naturally, and fully licensed to thrill, of course, but still able to supply and register persons of interest with all of their future needs from present feeds with past seeds, and with no one who is not in the know, any the wiser about crazy experimental intercontinental circus controls.
Universal Exports is so ….. yesterday, man.
Ping Pong, Mr Bong? Marvellous Mervyn has just gambled a King's ransom of £140,000,000,000 on something new appearing to prevent the looming global catastrophe becoming an orchestrated crash and crushing reality, and it would be most unfair, and certainly not cricket, not to relieve him of that burden and make good rapid and right proper use of a great chunk of that flash cash, to provide new clearer programs in HyperRadioProActive IT with Virtual Machinery testing SMARTR Algorithms ..... and Novel and Noble Nobel Ideas, which have been somewhat devalued of late and extraordinarily rendered in a fraudulent sub-prime peace, an embarrassingly pretentious politically incorrect gong?
Ok, I'm just going to lie down for a time, I'll be back in a while. Chillier today, isn't it.
I read somewhere that British Men in Black drive around in black mk1/2 Granadas.
this episode was so much win
The Granada has long been the gold standard choice for the banger racer, having the ideal balance between heft, pace, durability and agility. It was common lore that the only car that could take out a Granada was an Austin Westminster, even a Jaguar would come off second best when faced with Ford's finest.
Very true. It's also a known fact that, at one time, it was quite common for banger racers to fill certain body voids with concrete, at least until the scrutineers caught them. This was not confined to the Cortina either. Sadly, the Granada is getting harder to find, many drivers switching to cars such as the Mondeo or certain larger Volvos to get their fix.
Meanwhile, I'll just post this driver reg. form off to the PFY... :)
...An episode of Top Gear (UK version) from long ago ("lost season") that was run on TV last night here in the USA. They used a jet car dragster to torch a Caravan (travel trailer in USA). Everyone agreed that it was the proper thing to do.
This is some right and quite proper Bastardry right here.
Though it seems a little too brazen, actually showing the guy the PFY doing it in a car whose modifications he had just finished running down for the victim.
Fraying his brake line would've been a better method of vengeance, I'd say. Not so much that it's going to snap and fail the first time he brakes, let him have a chance to get out into traffic first. If he's in the city, luck willing, he'll hit someone with a much more expensive car who will then proceed to make life hell for him. On the motorways, well... Not too hard to imagine what happens there.
That, or just take a tire iron and loosen all the bolts holding his tires on.