The moment has arrived for you, our beloved cinemagoing readers, to vote for the worst movie never made. To recap, we invited submissions for an imaginary nightmare celluloid creation more hideous than this cinematic list of shame - the 10 worst films ever made, according to El Reg readers: Battlefield Earth The Phantom Menace …
Before reading these movie pitches....
I merely used to *think* the El Reg forum crew were a deranged and perverse bunch of screw ups.
Re: Before reading these movie pitches....
YOURE RIGHT THOMAS HELL MOST OF THESE MOVIES WERENT EVER EVEN MADE WHO ARE THESE IDIOTS
2/10 - must try harder
Re: 2/10 - must try harder
Yes, and then report to the Moderatrix for "comprehension failure" treatment.
I too would pay good money to see this one. I found TheOtherHobbes's proposal plus the description provided by NomNomNom seriously disturbing. It reminded me of the first time I saw Ring, late at night on Channel 4 (I think).
A camper gets lost in the countryside in a storm on a damp rainy day. Suddenly the weather clears with remarkable speed to reveal and a bright sunny landscape of perfect green hills and blue skies. A little dome shaped bunker sits some distance away.
In curious mind he heads down towards the bunker. A door is open, revealing a large interior living space. A little robotic hoover with comical eyes is cleaning immaculate surfaces. He looks back behind him at the picturesque rolling hills and nary a cloud in the sky. Something is wrong.
"Hello?", he shouts, into the structure. The little hover stops with a whirring noise and looks up at him, but then continues it's cleaning. There is no other reply. He heads in cautiously, keeping his distance from the disturbingly life-like hoover.
10 minutes later he finds the first nest. It's in a small nook in the back wall. There is an overpowering stench of decay. The floor seems to be covered in toast (?!). There is a lot of jam on the toast, and even more jam on the floor. And broken bones. Looking closer he realizes it's not jam at all, but a sticky gut-based detritus. He freezes in terror as the stench of decay suddenly swells up behind him accompanied by the unmistakable shuffling of large feet. A deep animal-like grunt cries out in surprise: "EH OHH?". He spins round in horror to as the large bulky mass falls upon him. The little hoover cleans up the mess.
You're sick. Toyah won't be pleased :)
Insert: dome is populated by Doby McGill and the Little People, who sing munchkin-like songs while welcoming him.
It turns out the mini-hoover is just a micro-cosm of a macro-hoover he's been living in all his life. He's reunited with his true parents, who've been dodging The Suck and hairballs all through their tortured existence. Fighting with Arnold Schwarzenegger perseverance, he and his cohort Ilsa (a latter-day Heidi) fight their way through the bag to eventually turn off the power switch, freeing the little people, only to watch them wiped out one by one Hunger Games-style by the cat, who's been listening to the freak midgets singing for well on a year with no recourse. Movie credits roll as satiated kitty lies on back with bulging belly and purrs. Until suddenly a hand punches through stomach Carrie-/Alien-like and waves, while an ad flickers across the scene forebodingly, "Part II: Coming to a Theater Near You"
I've just developed a tick....
and my brain has to think non stop of another WFNM Munches The Scream staring Bruce Willis.
My therapist just resigned.
The Matrix 4
Neo played now by Dwayne 'The Dibbly' Johanson fights the evil tyrant Microshaft in an epic battle for dominance of the portable computing market. His sidekick is the super hakker cum megalomaniac Morpheus (played by Kim Dotcomic who likes to drive around in really fast flying cars and smash up the corrupt machines (AKA MACHIAA or Money Appreciative Computer Hostile Internets Assault Arsenal). Lots of shit blows up and stuff but in the end it is futile as they all end up in a kangaroo court with the judge being the reanimated corpse of Stevee Bigjobs.
In a fantastic anti-climax everyone gets sued into non-existence.
"The ultimate winner will get DVDs of the aforementioned top 10 worst films. The runner-up will get the top five titles, while third place will get a copy of Battlefield Earth..."
We're supposed to try to lose, then?
Correct. The thought of sitting through all 10 of the worst films is indeed quite terrifying.
You do not have to sit through them. Using the DVDs as frisbees can bring hours of healthy entertainment. Experiments microwave ovens are encouraged.
I own copies of most of those already
That said, I stand by my overly verbose treatment for Pearl Harbor 2 directed by Uwe Boll... I think it could be the next MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus.
Happy Friday all - cheers!
I would vote for that.
Uwe Boll is my favorite horrible director... he's so bad, he doesn't realize he's part of a scam. And it's his scam!
i was wondering why the prizes are all arse-backwards
Come on, El Reg. The least you can do is offer to *make* the winning entry. I'm sure Lester & Lewis would be game for it... Could you get Ms Bee back, as well?
monitors, keyboard, shirt, desk, cleaning supplies, replacement coffee mug. Where, good sir and/or madam should I send the bill. That was the funniest thing I've read in weeks.
Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!
Twelve minutes of a falling rocket motor, what's not to love in the original. I have a copy of it just for the soundtrack. Besides, there are about 4 frames of large, albeit fake, breasts in the last 20 minutes of the film. When you're ten, seeing bare breasts on TV means everything.
Re: Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!
I don't recall the naked breasts but I do remember the first time I saw Koyaanisqatsi - showing on a TV monitor in HMV on Oxford Street . I was transfixed for the whole film, surprised they didn't simply throw me out after an hour. I'd actually rate it as one of the best films of all time. The sequence including the Vegas Gals and the fighter pilot is depressingly-superb IMO .
I think it was Winged Migration (2001) that has some of the scenes proposed in Koyaanisqatsi 2 towards its end. It'll be great stuff if the right soundtrack is chosen. Leonard Cohen springs to mind; bring it on!
Re: Re: Koyaanisqatsi 2: Balance this, m****rf****r!
So should it start off with a masochistic version of "Repent" or is that how it should end?
Of films never made, Highlander II trumps them all, followed by Star Wars I-III
You probably want to revisit the NEVER bit of the headline on this poll.
Perhaps that was an admirable yet futile attempt to wish Highlander II out of existence...
Highlander II airbrushed from history
Fair enough - it's a very civilised idea.
I'm not sure whether they were "made", perhaps a better term is "vomitted"
I would argue that never made is a fair description of Highlander 2. It came so close to being made but died in filming and some people took its corpse and stitched the pieces together then gave them a hideous semblance of life with some footage of aliens. This undead abomination was then set loose under the same title.
Highlander II, nah
Highlander II was just depressingly awful. Highlander Final ... whatever, was sheer torture.
Re: Highlander II airbrushed from history
Battlefield Earth was worse.
If I took a dump on a piece of paper and gave it to an oracle to read, it would still be a better script than Battlefield Earth.
This just seems to the making of a bad movie. It has the elements of a movie that was clearly intended to be serious, with well known and paid actors, but in the end is just horrible. But not in a good way like Hudson Hawk or Barbarella. In a bad way like almost any post 90's movie where Travolta has a leading role.
Re: The Aluminators
As soon as I read "set to the harmonious melodies of Tommyknocker", I knew which film to vote for. For the uninformed, here is a sample of Tommyknocker's more famous output: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXoQEa-4KLM
I've never been there
I noticed a trend for setting these things in Dagenham, is it really that bad?
I thought maybe Slough, or Watford Gap service station might be settings that could also fit.
Teletubbies vs The Predator - I would see this!
Tinky Winky jumps on it, La La says eh-oh.
The Noo Noo sucks it up and they turn it into Tubbie Tustard.
I still remember this 10 years after it was on TV, then they moved onto Tweenies, and Bob the Builder.
Worrying is that 1 now watches Deadenders and the other 2 rather naff cartoons on CITV.
Would like to see...
I would like to see "Human Centipede: Infinity Sydrome". Sounds right up my alley....now where did i put my tools.
Re: Would like to see...
Maybe you would like to check out the South Park episode it was somewhat loosely based on?
Re: Would like to see...
"You mean it does email, internet and shits in Kyles mouth? This is the best thing ever!"
I have never seen Titanic
But have seen Battlefield Earth
Got The Phantom Menace & The Matrix Reloaded
No interest in Twilight
Looked pants The Blair Witch Project, Snakes on a Plane
Never heard of Megashark vs Giant Octopus
I have seen a Highlander film was a bit crap but cannot remember hich one it was
Avatar I would not mind seeing this just for the effects.
Only one vote ?
I so want to vote for 3-4 of those.
Then pledge money so that they are never made.
The money would pay for a superhacker modeled after the 'girl with the dragon tattoo' who monitors potential suspects e-mail and assassinates them at the first mention of any of those titles.
I almost voted for Koyaanisqatsi 2
Because I once bought the Koyaanisqatsi & Powaqqatsi DVD but instead of being interesting I found them incredibly irritating to watch, long scenes of not much happening along with 'music' from Philip Glass. The 'music' irritated me the most as it was contrived crap which practically repeated the same boring sequence of notes for the entire length of the films with little variation.
I bought them because I had prevously bought Baraka on DVD and found it to be a very good 'film', amazing footage with a soundtrack to perfectly match it (even with the haunting imagery of the aftermath of how bad humans can behave towards each other; concentration camps, mass graves etc.)
But my vote went to "Phantom Menace - The Musical" because after watching the original menace film in the cinema and discovering how badly Lucas had tarnished his Star Wars world, if I had to watch a musical of it I would probably end up perforating my ear drums with any sharp (or blunt) instrument to hand after the first note is sang. The gauging out of eyes would also be an acceptable action to perform.
Re: I almost voted for Koyaanisqatsi 2
Since suggesting Phantom Menace - the musical, I did realise that, by accident, it could be worse still.
The sequel would be Attack of the Clones - the Musical. This would have to include a romantic scene between Bieber and Striesand.
I feel quite sick. What have I done...?
The ship is salvaged and refitted at Pearl Harbour ready for its second maiden voyage.
Re: Titanic II
Only after being transported accidentally back to 1941 as a result of a freak thunderstorm in Philidelphia.
For me it's got to be Diana in 3D but it looks like someone made an error in the casting: Gary Oldman would be struggle in the role of the Duke of Edinburgh. Surely the role made in heaven for Tommy Weisau?
Re: Casting error
And Arnie should not be cast as Prince Charles. Craig Ferguson would be much better.
Re: Casting error
Diana - you're tearing me apart!
Re: Casting error
Exactly, except I think we'd better stop now. But I can't: Paris Hilton to play Lady Di?
I would like to see Aliens vs Cowboys on this list. In that movie, the aliens come to earth and act and fight like farm animals with rabies.... No ray guns or advanced weapons. Just a thought.
Asuka Langley Soryu
Not Soraya :-)
Was quite a fan of that series until the multi-repeats and "quests for more money" started.
As to the movies in general; since these are most likely all b or c rated movies its obvious which one is the best: the one which has boobies in it, that has always been the golden rule with movies like that. Otherwise absolutely no one would be watching it ;-)
Re: Asuka Langley Soryu
I would pay again if Miss Greendragon (it's Soryu, right?) were put on a powerful mix of prozac and speed then time-reversally copied and found herself fighting for Hitler, piloting a preternaturally enhanced red-painted He-162 Volksjäger and delaying the collapse of the 3rd Reich long enough for a secret cabal of SS Ahnenerbe connected to rabid U.S. Christian Evangelicals secretly in league with Roosevelt to join up with Japanese researchers in a camp run by Ralph Fiennes so that Kaballistic Abrahamic Power can be channelled into opening a Transdimensional Gate. 3rd impact can come early and Shinji Ikari doesn't get to decide to branch off the final transmigration/unification of humanity due to sheer lack of self-assurance. Problems of morality [obviously obviated later due to the eschatological effectiveness of 3rd impact] can be discussed as Asuka has long discussions with the Führer's secretary while he is busy ranting with his generals.
Re: Asuka Langley Soryu
Oh do come on! Renaming/spelling "changes" are a part of the whole bad movie thing.
The sad thing is that quite a few of these titles are quite likely to make it into reality. *sigh*