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back to article Jolly rogered

I note with dismay that the recent High Court ruling to force some ISPs to ban access to The Pirate Bay has been hijacked by lobbyists who are confused about what the interweb does. A classic example was heard on Radio 4's Today on Tuesday, which devoted eight minutes to John Humphrys inexpertly tying himself into a mesh of …

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FAIL

If MP's had it all their way regarding censorship...

...we'd still be paying for their duck houses, moats and pr0n whilst listening to them telling us how hard they're making our taxes work for us.

That's the deal with censorship. You have to trust totally the ones doing the censoring to do the right thing. So, can anyone think of anything MP's collectively did in the last few years to affect the publics trust in them? Hint - read the first sentence again.

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CAN THEY CENSOR PARTY POLITICAL STUFF

which is all lies, misrepresention and manipulation of the truth.

I would sign up for that.

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I wrote to my MP.. Got a reply too..

I didnt baffle him with science, and the why it wont work, and the how to get around any blocks... Because thats not going to win us any arguments. We'll get 'oh you're just not trying!' thrown back in our faces. 'We can put Men on the Moon, you must be able to deal with this!'.

So.. I took a differnt tack, one you've hinted at in this article.

I said, "why should I have to put my name on a list to access legal adult content? And when my name is on that list, and an annoymous hacker gang releases that list to the internet... People like teachers, nurses, politicians will be called PERVS!! Someone think of the children!!"

Scare them with their own game! Thats my thought.... Many of them think it'll be fine to add their name to the lists, because really its 'just harmless adult pron'... but when they're the one on the front page of the Daily Fail, they'll soon realise it was a bad idea.

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Ru
Unhappy

Re: "We can put Men on the Moon, you must be able to deal with this!"

Can we? Bit more of the past tense there, chief.

Besides, it is a perfectly cromulent answer. I believe it is entirely possible that investing a couple of hundred billion pounds into a censorship infrastructure might yield something that worked okay.

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Alert

Re: I wrote to my MP.. Got a reply too..

It's a good point you make about the dangers of being on an "opt-in" list, as obviously anyone who does opt in will be a sexual deviant and a menace to society. Especially when some do-gooder publishes a leaked list online with an address lookup, as they did with the leaked BNP(?) list a couple of years back. I can see my kids wondering why none of their friends are allowed to come round to play any more.

And no doubt when I ring my ISP with an Alan Partridge-esque "Can you unblock the porn on my interwebs please" request they'll quite happily do so for an admin fee and a monthly £5 "Supersurfer Premium" charge.

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WTF?

Re: "We can put Men on the Moon, you must be able to deal with this!"

Not even past tense. I dont think the british have ever put someone on the moon, or are you planning on outsourcing this software to the americans (who will inturn outsource it to the indians)?

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Anonymous Coward

dick?!

did I just see a word "DICK" in that text? This should be banned outright and you should be re-educated.

oh, what would my children do, if they saw that word, OMG?!

not, let me ask them....

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Facepalm

Re: dick?!

And whatever you do, don't mention Dickie Davies...

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Facepalm

Re: dick?!

I once posted on a forum about the Sci-Fi author Philip K Dick.

His name was (I kid you not) rendered by the forum software as "Philip K masculine area"!!!

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Ru

Re: dick?!

Ahh, the clbuttic mistake of simple text substitution. But no-one ever learns; it is still out there and in common use.

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Unhappy

Bleaugh...

Sir,

Having subscribed to this august journal for many a moon, I feel once again compelled to bring you to task on your coverage of a subject dear to my heart.

A shoe needs to be decently marinaded (preferably in French brandy) before being cooked. Butter should only ever be used when lard is unavailable.

I notice that your correspondent has also introduced other, completely unrelated, matters into this article.

Please ensure this sloppy journalism is not repeated.

I remain sir,

Colonel Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Bleaugh...

"Butter should only ever be used when lard is unavailable."

Tell that to Marlon Brando.

Paris, because, well you know ...

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Joke

"Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

If that's going to knock all the politicians off the internet too, go for it.

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Devil

Re: "Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

That's not sufficient - will also have to filter for twats

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

The new motto for 21st century Britain.

"Ban Onanism - save Thatcherism!"

remember kids, every time you masturbate God kills a Tory.

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Re: "Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

Really? That's my weekend sorted then. Just off to the chemists for some hand cream.

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Windows

Re: "Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

Won't work, from what I *ahem* hear, most dicks are practically invisible during the 'act'.

I guess that's why one euphemism is "hiding the salami" (Now-you-see-it-now-you-don't. Repeat, oh, maybe 10 times?)

Of course, if the numpty programmers just looked for "a blueish 'helmet' ", we'd never get to see The Bill on YouTube ever again.

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Big Brother

Walled garden anyone?

The only way I can see censorship controls of this kind working is by the use of a whitelist – in other words, everything is pr0n until proved otherwise.

It wouldn't be too hard for the ISP's to compile a list of the 1,000 or so top-access sites, decide which ones are "safe", and block access to anything not in this list unless requested otherwise by customers.

The long tail could be covered by an online form for people to suggest additions to that list; this could grow into a service where, if you wanted your site to "whitelisted", you'd pay your ISP for continued certification of its contents' safety.

What about Facebook, blogs and the like, you ask? Why, the ISP's could just spin their own versions of those services, all continually reviewed for guaranteed family-values-compliance.

And there you go, your sanitized Internet in a nice and tight package. It's not unimaginable that the ISP's could spin it as a "service" – I can already hear the ads about "a leaner, cleaner, better Internet", safe for work & play, and free of any harmful images or contradictory truths...

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Windows

Re: Walled garden anyone?

No 'Walled garden' for me, thanks. One reason I'll not buy an Apple product, unless they dismantle it.

One advantage of it, we could put all the politicians who want this to be passed into the walled garden. In it, build them a nice rest-home for the bewildered.

I pay enough to my ISP to want to NOT pay them more to 'release' e.g., Theregister.com, justlinux.com, etc. from their choice of 1,000 - out of millions.

Sorry, Internet is about 'free speech'.

"What about Facebook, blogs and the like, you ask?". Yep, with you on that. Shareholders of those companies would really welcome that...

Come to think of it...your second part of that phrase makes sense! "Why, the ISP's could just spin their own versions of those services, all continually reviewed for guaranteed family-values-compliance."

Let the owners of Google, Facebook et. al. buy the ISP's!

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Black Helicopters

Re: Walled garden anyone?

The "walled garden" scenario I came up with was just a thought experiment on how Internet censorship / "parental control" could ever be made to work, and what the consequences might be; I don't in any way promote or support it. I thought the "Big Brother" icon would be enough indication of this – perhaps I should have gone with "Joke Alert" or "Black Helicopters"?

Bur anyway, since you've mentioned the likes of Google and Facebook: ISP's would just love to sideline them, what with the ISP's paying for the data pipes and ad-brokers raking in all the money. In fact mobile carriers have been trying to do that for a while, only their approach is technological. So far it hasn't worked – but perhaps if the heavy arm of law gave it a little push...?

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Probably also an apocryphal tale, but I'm sure I remember reading about a porn blocking scheme that tried to block images based on the amount of skin tone it found in images.

All this meant was you couldn't view photos of pigs, but the porn went through fine as long as their skin colour wasn't "pink"

Aha, here it is:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8094026.stm

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Jad
Thumb Up

Or the time that Bill Clinton and his missus images were blocked on the White House page because it had the caption "The Happy Couple" ... :)

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Anonymous Coward

Whilst tending to agree with the article it did fall into the same trap as it was mentioned others fell into. This was supposed to be an article on Pirate Bay wasn't it ? It seemed to get stuck on arguing, all that's labelled "porn" isn't bad.

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Childcatcher

Ignorance

I dont think its so much "cant be arsed" parents as much as Ignorance - parents who just havent put 2 and 2 together and realised that

-their kids might not stick to the cbeebies site

-their kids could type "porn" into the seasrch engine as easilt as they do

a lot of em probly dont realise that their kid's phones and pads can go on the net even though they use their own phone to do just that.

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Master Dick ?

If we get software to recognise Dick, will it recognize Bruce Wayne as well ?

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Childcatcher

Please!

Think of the children! I thought the US was bad about being a so-called "Nanny State"... Sounds like you folks in the UK have your mothers looking over your shoulder while you surf the internet. Let me know how that works out for you.

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Trollface

i invoke the power of....

brass eye. had to be done./

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NesjvRihbEg

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Bronze badge

Re: i invoke the power of....

I call your Brass Eye and raise you a Monkey Dust.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCywGhHQMEw

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Pirate

Re: i invoke the power of....

i'll take your monkey dust and add an it crowd, which is probably the most apt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUcHpyOOmo4

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Happy

Re: i invoke the power of....

"I am the Peado-Finder General and I declare that as judged by demented readers of News International publications, I deem you to be a PEAD-O-PHILE! Bring the faggots! ( Just my little joke! ). Ha ha!"

Great little skit, can't remember the radio programme now, Mum is on a march with a mob to attack the local old gent who everyone suspects is a peadophile, her kids are along on the march and shouting and moaning about it. Mum starts shouting, "Yeah we don't want them sort in our area, we wants justice and to make sure all our little kiddies are safe from 'arm and not one ain't gonna 'urt none of '!em! Oi, Chantel! Stop yer bleeding crying and bleedin' moaning or I'll wallop yer good and proper, shut it! Yeah kill the peado what 'urts the kiddies!!!"

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Happy

Re: i invoke the power of....

The IT crowd nicked that Peter File joke!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLyLGrbKokI&t=24m09s

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FAIL

Urban legend?

You mean this one? http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/901723.stm

I think that was "something that happened". Slightly different thing. It's like an urban legend, only is based on fact.

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Re: Urban legend?

I'm aware of this story but all I found were lots of websites quoting each other, BBC included. For all I know, the original story was an April Fool. Does anyone here have any real info on this?

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Big Brother

I am just sick of the godsquad and the rest of the do-good'ers thinking they know whats best for me....

yes, there is porn on the interwebbynet, but in the last 10 years I have not accidentally found myself on a porn site. do I want to opt in to get whatever content the government, godsquad and other do-good'ers, so I can be profiled by MI5 or whoever? Hell no...

If there was a government backed program to educate parents on how to monitor their own kids on the interwebs then I am all for it...

there is now way we should allow the government or their puppets to control what we can or cant see. where will it end? With the blocking of political parties websites because the government doesn't agree with the content or with newspapers publishing expenses of mp's

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Childcatcher

"If there was a government backed program to educate parents on how to monitor their own kids on the interwebs then I am all for it..."

Sadly, that won't happen. Too many mouth-breathers.

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Big Brother

Opt In Schemes

Given the wide availability of porn offline (with porn being a very loose definition), are the authorities going to demand everyone who wants to buy a magazine needs to register?

And are we just talking about those who want to buy Bombay Badonkadonk's, or Playboy, or FHM, or The Sun?

Surely the playingfield must be level for all media services - Please enter your PIN now to watch tonight's Strictly Come Dancing as tonight's show may contain what some consider to be provocative dancing

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Anonymous Coward

Also

Also while writing to your MP, about them being on the Perv list, do mention to all your friends that being on the 'Clean Feed' will be slower, it must be as they will be checking all the places you want to visit and then allowing and disallowing them.

Of course it may be that if you opt to be on the '"Not a Perv Clean Feed list' when you accidentally find that something your interested in is on the Perv list, you will be flagged up and noted as a Perv.

Just think about it, not only will you get a slower internet, you may be flagged up as a trouble making pervert, just for going to the Amnesty internaional website, or even the Sun's website.

Don't think the banned perv list will be available to check or won't contain other non perv websites.

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black market

I have given some thought recently on what level of restrictions to apply to our Internet at home for my children. I am probably far more concerned by extreme violence than extreme porn, but you have to accept that anything I block can be gotten by other means. I suspect there will be quite a thriving black market of interesting content on usb sticks being passed around in the playground if this bill or something like it gets passed. The naughty videos I borrowed from friends at 12 were far, far more hard-core than anything I would choose to watch now and god knows what passes for extreme today. At least I can check the logs quietly if he has unrestricted access at home.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: black market

"At least I can check the logs quietly if he has unrestricted access at home."

...For the boy's sake. Yes... that's plausible... that'll do. Now leave me alone so I can... err... check these logs in peace.

Sorry, couldn't resist. I'd have used the joke alert icon, but...

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That's Google Images blocked then

Try searching it for American, African, and Asian. Interesting differences.

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Childcatcher

Re: That's Google Images blocked then

And the Google logo has a slight resemblance to fruit flavour polos. Clearly an attempt to entice children.

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Silver badge

"Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

Already filing the patent for it...

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Happy

Re: "Dick recognition software, perhaps?"

Sorry, prior art - as noted above, Google Images

Just drag a pic of Simon Cowell into the drag-n-drop feature. It recognises him immediately.

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Society has a strange attitude to nudity lately I think.

As an example of this, a couple of weeks ago my wife took my 4 year old daughter out for a day with her friend from school, and that friends mother was there too.

While they were out they saw a statue of a naked man. The friend of my daughter, 4 and a half years old, pointed at its genitals and asked what that was. My daughter told her it was his "willy". The friends mother was outraged that a 4 year old girl would know this and was asking how she knew, why she knew, etc.

Obviously in their house opposite sex nudity in front of the children is not allowed, which I just find really strange. I dont wander around my house naked for the sake of it, but if my daughter is there as i come out of the shower or while I'm getting dressed, we dont make a big deal of making sure I'm covered up.

But, having said that, i wouldn't want her looking at xvideos or youporn.

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Pint

And, despite not being an expert in child development or having children myself, I'd put money on the fact your child will grow up to be the more well rounded and sensible person.

I remember some of my friends parents being like that from my childhood and dealing with them was far more traumatic than seeing a "willy".

Have a pint, sir, it's Friday.

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I have to agree.

My 3-year-old daughter watched her little newborn cousin (I think, I can't be bothered to do the family-tree maths) have his nappy changed for the first time. You have never seen a child stare like that in your life, we were all in fits of laughter and she was transfixed, crouching over him "pretending" to help while actually she just wanted to see the thing she'd spotted straight away.

What would those parents have you do? Hush it up? Pretend it doesn't exist? Tell her off for being rude (she's THREE - how does she know that something she's never seen is considered "rude")? All courses of action that I guarantee you would leave her with a morbid curiosity about finding out what that thing is when Mummy/Daddy/Grandparents AREN'T around (and hence you end up with a pregnant 11-year-old or whatever).

To quote Kindergarten Cop (there's a line I never thought I'd say!): Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

What the big deal is in that, I don't know. Get over it. Your daughter could have called it a lot worse and at least she KNEW what it was. Now imagine how your friend's daughter is going to cope when she gets to secondary school where there's talk of sex and all sorts and she gets pressured to tell her friends that she knows what it all means, or to confess that she doesn't know at all.

Nudity is on page three of several papers, and you can spot nude women as soon as you're old enough to look up in a newsagents. Sex is a natural human function that, okay, maybe you might not want to discuss in public (at least, any more than other natural functions like the operation of your stomach and bottom on food, which is what my three-year-old is obsessed with at the moment and wants to share with the world), but there's nothing scary there and they WILL teach her it in school (unless you WANT to pull her out of that class and make a laughing exception to the rest of the class). Pornography - that's something entirely different and you might well want to hide that from children but even upon discovery? It's just pictures of people who "love each other" and "are having sex", depending on your outlook and acceptable "lies to children" factor.

I don't expect fathers to be dangling their appendages around the houses, but for feck's sake, it's a willy. Get over it.

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Life imitates the Simpsons?

Helen Lovejoy (re:Marge's approval of Michaelangelo's "David"): "I TOLD you she was soft on full-frontal nudity!"

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