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back to article Vote now for the WORST movie EVER

It's taken us more than a week, but we're finally ready to raise the curtain on the contenders for the worst movie ever title. We're still a bit groggy after days of wading through the most malodorous cinematic effluent as nominated by you, our beloved readers, so while you get on with the voting you'll excuse us if we go for a …

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Hmmm

How do I do none of the above? there are many films much worse than that selection.

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Re: Hmmm

Agreed. There should be an entry "Any film sponsored by the National Film Board Of Canada" only surpassed in boredom by those sponsored by "Office National Du Film Du Canada". I know it's the same thing but the French ones take boredom to a new level especially if they are artsy and in black and white.

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WTF?

Re: Hmmm

Oi! I like those Canadian shorts. Especially if they are artsy and in black and white.

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Joke

Re: Hmmm

I knew a Canadian who wore black and white shorts, she was pretty artsy.

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Anonymous Coward

NOT ZARDOZ

I LOVE that film, first bit of soft porn I saw on the Tele.

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WTF?

Re: NOT ZARDOZ

Sean Connery in furry pants?

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Re: NOT ZARDOZ

Ah, but didn't he also have a Webley Fosbery?

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Megaphone

Re: Hmmm

No idea how "Metro" with Eddie Murphy didn't make the list. By far, the absolute worst movie ever made. I would pay to see Battlefield Earth before watching Metro again.

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Re: Hmmm

Actually, none are worse than battlefield earth...

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Mushroom

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

There should be an "Other" option with a "Details" box.

I'd vote for Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970): hands-down THE worst film ... [Clarkson voice] in the world.

Seriously, I've seen more entertaining and less embarrassing safety training videos. The film was so bad that Heston demanded he not even appear in most of it, and that his character had to be killed off in the (excruciatingly bad) end. It's all the more galling considering how mind-buggeringly brilliant the first film was. For those lucky enough to have never seen it, here's the summary:

Five minutes after Chuck pounds his fists in the sand at the base of the now derelict Statute of Liberty, a second spacecraft from Earth's past miraculously arrives at exactly the same point in the space-time continuum, for no particular reason. Meanwhile, Charlie is attacked by the worst SpecialFX ever witnessed on celluloid, and falls through an invisible force-field, in a moment of cinematic science fiction so cheesy it would have made Gene Roddenberry commit suicide just watching it. Charlie's mute and intellectually-challenged date scampers off to give the new lead the cliff-notes from the previous film, using the Power of Lassie, and he sets off on a quest to find Charlie, who's hiding from the director in what looks like a Cuban jail, with a rampaging hoard of belligerent monkeys in hot pursuit. Cleverly evading the monkeys by hiding under a rock, our hero traverses an underground cavern via an abandoned subway, straight into the welcoming arms of a bunch of telepathic aliens who worship a nuclear warhead.

Still with me?

OK. But as if this scenario weren't incredible enough, not to mention suffering major plot continuity issues, these all-powerful aliens inexplicably live in mortal fear of the wholly nuclear-incapable monkeys above, and do the telepathic brain-suck on our hero for any tactical info he might have handy, then go off and sing a few hymns to their warhead deity to celebrate. But our hero's having none of that, so he runs off to find Charlie, gets brain-sucked into fighting him (and carelessly gets his date killed in the process), then they come back to destroy the evil, brain-sucking, warhead-worshipping aliens ... by pushing the self-destruct button, thus killing everyone, including themselves.

The (utterly pointless) End.

The plot to the next sequel, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, is nearly as bad. It's based on the premise that, with absolutely no way of knowing the planet was about to be blown to smithereens, Cornelius and Zira hurriedly salvaged Charlie's spaceship from the bottom of a lake, without the assistance of any diving equipment or even a boat (did I mention they can't swim, either?), repaired it using medieval equipment and non-existent components and materials, drew upon their extensive medieval education to somehow learn how to fly it in less than a day, left the planet just in the nick of time, then used the same super-light-speed-travel principle to travel the wrong direction through time - into the past, even though that doesn't make any sense, only to arrive at what appears to be the set from Breakfast at Tiffany's, where apparently the boss from Fantasy Island is now running a circus filled with monkeys.

World plus Dog then debates the improbability of this story, talking monkeys, and the dangers of allowing Zira's baby to be born, ultimately deciding that the best course of action is to kill anything that's clearly not American in origin. Everyone dies. Again. Except Zira's baby, who was cleverly exchanged in a Fantasy Island Circus baby-swapping conspiracy (dun-dun dah!), thus ensuring the film franchise from Hell would live to steal yet more of our precious time and money.

Take your pick, but if at least one of these films isn't the worst film of all time then my name is Dr. Zaius.

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WTF?

Re: Hmmm

Agreed, most of the films in the list have at least some humour value, so you can usually find someone at least willing to grudgingly admit they don't think they were that bad. I'd even watch "Snakes on a Plane" just because it is so laughably bad, but you can at least laugh at it.

My nomination would be "Antichrist" by Lars von Trier for the simple fact I can't find anyone - not even artsy-farsty winebar-dwellers - that will admit to thinking it is good. The whole film is a complete load of cobblers, wrapped in art school "if-you-don't-like-it-you-must-be-thick" intellectual superiority. TBH, the only appeal seems to be to some women (and certain men) that want to see Willem Dafoe's big "talent", Charlotte Gainsbourg not being much of an enticement.

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Mushroom

Re: None of the above/Other/etc.

You had your chance. You already missed it. If you read the previous articles (or indeed this one) you'd know that.

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Coffee/keyboard

Re: NOT ZARDOZ

Zardoz is a fine fine piece of moviemaking and I have no idea how it made the long list. Shame!

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Re: Hmmm

you haven't seen manos: the hands of fate?

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Re: Hmmm

"No idea how "Metro" with Eddie Murphy didn't make the list. By far, the absolute worst movie ever made. I would pay to see Battlefield Earth before watching Metro again."

What about Pluto Nash, a film so bad that I haven't even seen it, yet!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Hmmm

Anyone who didn't vote for Titanic is just wrong.

3 hours. THREE STINKING MISERABLE HOURS!!! And the action starts after two of the most wooden, trite, pointless 'character building' plot that only succeeds in building an abject loathing for the characters and the almost tortuously drawn out farce that ensues when the ship DOES FINALLY HIT THE FRICKIN' ICEBERG. Look, we know what happened - it's not a particularly niche subject matter - why does this film insist on trying to bill it as some kind of surprise? As each minute of the final hour of that film achingly ticks by, you just grind your teeth wishing DiCaprio's 'character' would just die... already (so to speak). Why did they insist on letting him live time and again, when ultimately you know he's going to snuff it. So the derision with which you view the main players just becomes more and more vitriolic, to the point where you literally cheer in the cinema during the faux-emotional scene when Leo sinks to the icy depths.

At least Battlefield Earth didn't get hyped to death. Everyone knew it was Scientology nonsense, so it's just funny. Nearly as funny as 'Birdemic'.

Anyway, Titanic's bad m'kay ;)

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Re: Hmmm

I was thinking more about:

Miami Vice - for taking a perfectly good concept, great visuals/styling, cool soundtrack, a good basic plot idea, yet managing to abjectly fail to flesh out the story AT ALL and having to fill two hours with the chick taking her clothes off. I genuinely think I could have done better.

Dreamcatcher - when I say it's a shit film, you need to think literally.

Transformers. Oh Dear.

I rented Green Lantern to watch with my 11-year-old nephew. It was truly awful. Even he wasn't keen.

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Paris Hilton

MIAMI VICE WAS BAD IN 1986

TYPE YOUR COMMENT HERE BASIC HTML ALLOWED

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Meh

Re: Hmmm

Sure, I'm sure everyone has a few pet hates that they consider worse, but that's what the votes have said. Personally I've seen 9 of the 20 in the final list, and 4 of the 13 'nearlys'. While I wouldn't see any of them again, I would only count 4 or 5 of the 13 as being horrendously bad. The others that I've actually seen are "meh" compared to expectation and hype, not "worst ever". Of course I can't comment on the ones that I haven't seen, and certainly won't bother with them in future.

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Can I be the first

To whinge that's the list is wrong.

Not that I'd know, I've seen not one of them in its entirety...

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Re: Can I be the first

Can I be the first to complain that calling the guy "M Knight Shyamaladingdong" - as so many commentards did - is not funny, it's just fucking racist.

I don't actually blame Lester for quoting them because it shows how neanderthal they are, but even in the article it makes me wince.

Thank you.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Can I be the first

Get off your high horse you prissy uptight do-gooder.

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Re: Can I be the first

It what alternate universe is making fun of some idiotic individual's name somehow misconstrued as racist in any way?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden urge to watch Animal House again.

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Trollface

Re: Can I be the first

Can I be the first to protest about your appalling, scandalous abuse of Homo Neanderthalis? How DARE you use it as a term of abuse. That's racist, sexist, speciesist and probably also failing to celebrate diversity.

Show some respect for a species which lasted 300,000 years and was, if we use cranial capacity as a measurement of hominid intelligence, smarter than us. I can see some diversity training days are URGENTLY needed.

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Re: Can I be the first

It what alternate universe is making fun of some idiotic individual's name somehow misconstrued as racist in any way?

It's an Indian name. He was born with it. In fact, it's a perfectly ordinary Indian name but you're laughing at it because you're not Indian. hahahahaha, look at the funny brown people.

Enjoy Animal House. I do. Just try not to live it.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Can I be the first

No, we're laughing at it because he's an uncreative hack and a prick. It's like changing "Blair" to "Bliar" which, considering he's Scottish and has a Scottish name, should also be racist by your definition. Or Bush as Shrub. Bet you also thin "Netenyahoo" is a funny little joke as well, but they'd all be racism if you applied your rule strictly.

I bet it isn't though. You no doubt have some little bit of circular logic that lets you redefine racism depending on the situation so you can be all high and mighty when you want to have a rant at people but still make fun of people you hate with a clear conscience.

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Anonymous Coward

The 'Many years of happiness' he wished us turned out to be only 3

He wer lucky

When I wer a lad, etc....

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Joke

Re: The 'Many years of happiness' he wished us turned out to be only 3

I read it as "three years of happiness...but we were married for ten!"

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Meh

That was difficult...

So many choices, all of them just as bad. In the end, I chose one, but I must say this poll wasn't easy to decide for one.

What actually should worry me most is that I haven't seen only three of those. :-/

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Anonymous Coward

Re: That was difficult...

Nothing to be ashamed about. I *own* copies of Plan 9, The Room, Battlefield Earth and the Wickerman remake : /

- Anon of course :D

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FAIL

Re: That was difficult...

I've (unfortunately) seen about a third of them, and about a third of the 13 that didn't make the final list too...

So difficult to choose - on what criteria? Based on damage to the original? Overwhelming awfulness? "So bad it's good"? "So bad, but fun to take the piss out of when you're drunk with your mates"? How do you pick just one from such a pile of sub-mediocrity?!

And you left out 'Reign of Fire', which should have been on the list for having the best premise in the entire world, but criminally failing to deliver on it.

'Fail' icon... because... well... read the list again!

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Unhappy

But, but, but ...

... where's Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

Quite possibly the worst film ever made.

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Re: But, but, but ...

Never saw it but the kids tv cartoon spin-off had it's moments.

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Angel

Re: But, but, but ...

Yeah, but that's so bad it's good.

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Linux

Re: But, but, but ...

It's the Troma exception.

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Happy

Re: But, but, but ...

... where's Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

Quite possibly the worst film ever made.

You forgot Attack of the Killer Frogs, the sequel!

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Sporks?

I am probably not alone in thinking that Snakes on a Plane is a comedy masterpiece.

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Re: Sporks?

Nope I too love it, the whole film must have been dreamed up by a script writer who wanted to get SLJ to say "I have had it with these mother F#£$ing snakes on this mother F#£$ing plane". One of the best line deliveries in cinematic history.

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Wedding video

Title: Modern wedding

Followed by 'Modern Wedding x2' - Which ironically follows mine of 6 years (Can't see it going any longer!)

Think Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston for the bride and groom. Ashton Kutcher as bestman and the gals off sex and the city as bridesmaids.

Maybe have some comic element of Chevy Chase as chef for the wedding.

Finally, director.... Angie Jolie?!

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Re: Wedding video

Dunno. If the wedding went that badly, though, it makes you wonder why he married her in the first place -- a man should be wary enough to know what he's getting into.

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Re: Wedding video

Some of us weren't that smart at the time.

I saved one page out of my guest book. The one that has "We tried to talk you out of it."

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Re: Wedding video

Fair enough, I suppose; after all, the most effective path to knowledge is usually the least enjoyable.

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TRT
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Re: Wedding video

The wedding video, in order to qualify as worst film ever, should be called:

"For Vow and For Never"

Crew:

Producer - Ed Wood

Director - Jonathan Frakes

Costume - Tim Burton

Cinematography - M. Night Shyamalan

Score - Danny Elfman

Cast:

The Groom - Mos Def

The Bride - Gwyneth Paltrow

The Matron of Honour - Tilda Swinton

The Best Man - Jack Black

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Italian Job

I was shocked to see that on the nearly list....

...but then I saw it was the version with BMWs not proper minis and agreed.

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Re: Italian Job

Likewise 'Get Carter'. Don't remake a Michael Caine film seems to be the lesson here.

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Re: Italian Job

Upvote for that.

The original a British / Italian heist caper.

The remake, some LA based nonsense with the poor man's Matt Damon and a load of BMW hatchbacks that made it look more like Estate Agent's day out.

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Re: Italian Job

Come on, it wasn't great but nobody could seriously think it is one of the worst films ever made? Indeed, none of the modern films on the list could be described as such.

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Re: Italian Job

Can't you SEE? The poor entertainment industry has been so depleted by evil pirates that they can no longer afford to think up stories for themselves, and they have to use the stories of old movies. They try to put a brave face on it by calling it "re-imagining", but unless we go out and buy these movies two or three times in various formats, THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER ORIGINAL STORY AGAIN!

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Zoolander?

I'm shocked that my fellow commentards don't adore this film. It is the epitome of "stupid funny", and in my mind much much better than "Dumb & Dumber"

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Re: Zoolander?

Agreed, I should hate this film but I find myself watching it every time it's on.

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