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back to article COMET WILL DEFINITELY NOT HIT EARTH – NASA

Rather worryingly, US space agency NASA has out of the blue issued a strident denial that an approaching comet poses any threat to planet Earth. "COMET ELENIN POSES NO THREAT TO EARTH," begins the NASA statement emailed to the Register. "Often, comets are portrayed as harbingers of gloom and doom in movies and on television, …

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Where do I sign up for a place in one of those nuclear bunkers?

Nothing to do with the comet, it's not going to hit the earth, there's really nothing to worry about. Your call IS important to us...

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Ru
Terminator

The robot staff in our exclusive nuclear bunkers

represent NO THREAT AT ALL to the delicate meatbags who will be residing there in the event of cometary apocalypse. Any rumours that our potential customers may have heard regarding unreliable aggression inhibitors and downgrading of the Asimov laws to mere voluntary guidelines are TOTALLY FALSE.

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Black Helicopters

What about the arks the government is building in China?

Me... I'm heading to Yellowstone to hang out with Woody Harrelson.

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Mushroom

Bunkers? Stocks!

I'll be investing quickly in life insurance companies' shares... Think of it, all policies will mature suddenly, and the holders will not be able to cash in --- hence MEGAPROFIT for the companies and hence the shareholders.

I'll be LOADED, when we all go together.

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Stop

Hasn't anyone seen Deep Impact?!

This is precisely what they will say when one really is going to hit Earth!

@Cameron, I can't decide - the problem with bunkers is they tend to be underground, which could be a problem with a mega-super-tsunami. Anyone up for a week's camping up Ben Nevis?

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comet E.L.E.N.I.N. ? Hmm

Extinction Level Event - eNd Is Nigh !

Did Frodo, I mean Leo, spot it first? I'm digging in to the mountain right now.

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Alien

Will it look pretty?

As someone cheated by Halley's comet back in the 80s it would be nice to have a big, visible comet. Just the once.

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Coat

Cheated by Halley?

Yeah, that did kinda' suck after all the hype -- kinda' like Kohoutek.

Still, back in '94, Hale-Bopp was pretty sweet right about twilight in the eastern US for a while -- notwithstanding a bunch of idiot cultists who misunderstood the message "wait for the comment 'Hail Bob'!" and committed suicide..

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Alien

Cheated by Halley's?

Not here in the southern hemisphere!

On top of Falls Creek (ski resort) at 3am, HC was amazing...

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Hale Bopp?

So in early 1997 did you not go outside in the evening and look up?

Seemed pretty damn visible to me, very very big too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comet_Hale%E2%80%93Bopp

Been several other naked eye visible ones since too, though non as impresive IMHO.

Ridley

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re: Cheated by Halley?

I too was seriously disappointed by Kohoutek, and after Halley was so far I feared I will never see a big comet with my own eyes, so it was very nice that Hale-Bobb and Hyakutake (in 1996) came along. The latter was IMHO the more impressive of the 1990's comets, at least where I live.

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Facepalm

waitaminnit... Hale-Bopp was in...

...1997? Damn, that's right; thanks for refreshing my memory. I also recall the press brouhaha over a cult that thought the appearance of Hale-Bopp was a signal that their alien overlord was coming to pick them up in his mothership, so they all committed suicide with Jello shooters.

It was Shoemaker-Levy that crashed into Jupiter after being broken into fragments by Jupiter's gravity in '94; I remember some very spectacular HST images of that.

Thanks.

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Alert

Head for the hiiiiiiills!

It won't help, but the view will be nicer.

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Actually...

...the view will be best from the ISS, if this view of a Perseid coming in is any indication...

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/1108/iss028e024847perseid900.jpg

...as long as they aren't hit by a stray chunk.

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It's OK, I've already called Bruce Willis

He's on it.

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Joke

He's on it?

Christ, the roaming charges on that call must have been horrendous.

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Anonymous Coward

Bruce Willis? Pah!

Chuck Norris could deal with it without any wimpy space suit stuff.

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Anonymous Coward

No no no non no...

You got it all wrong...

Bruce Willis does comets and shit....

Chuck Norris does everything else.

Vin Diesel?

Vin Diesel could pwn all the lot of them, the comet included with his left little finger nail.

Vin FTW, I tell you... I mean...

Just look at the man...

Just look at the man....

When I grow up I wanna be a VIn Diesel

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Coat

Proof of his superiority!

VIM Diesel, the superior editor.

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Anonymous Coward

I got a Berlingo

Does that count as a Van Diesel?

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I heard that Vin Diesel

joined Greenpeace. He's now called Vin Photo-Voltaic.

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Facepalm

Careful observations

NASA has made some careful observations to arrive at the conclusion that this comet poses no risk to the earth.

Now, was that meters or feet?

Furlongs???

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Joke

It is actually in Angstroms

Sorry about the lack of accent mark on the 'A'.

I was berated enough as a child for mispronouncing his name by a parent who attended some of his lectures.

Anonymous to prevent further abuse.

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Alien

Aside from all that

Will I be able to take nice, pretty photos of it?

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Joke

Sure!

And you'll be able to enjoy said pictures for a whopping 5 minutes before impact!

Oh wait, I meant bypass...

Can we scratch this comment please?

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Alien

public void Title {

Post = "We are all going to die!";

}

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Coat

object reference not set to an instance of an object

object Post not recognised

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Anonymous Coward

i for one...

...welcome our planet-smashing, world-ending comet overlords...

(but it has been a long day so i'd welcome anything that means i don't have to go through all this again tomorrow)

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Megaphone

re:

Please remain calm...

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Angel

I, for one, welcome our new comet overlord

..etc..

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Facepalm

ELENIN - Extinction Level Event Now Imminent Naa-na-na-na-nah

So, yes, who named it and why? And, if so insignificant, why do they not give press releases for astronauts turds on intercept (or non-intercept) trajectory?

It wouldn't be so bad but there is little left to loot...so will just have to settle for mass orgy.

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Comets are usually named...

...after their discoverer. Presumably a Dr* Elenin in this case.

*Please select correct title from drop-down list.

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Anonymous Coward

The old "poses no threat" gambit

I'm not falling for that.

I never heard of it before, now they mention it, clearly we are going to die.

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Comet?

No-one in our local branch has been anywhere near planet Earth for decades.

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If it is anything like around here

It will just leave the $3000 worth of packages just inside the glass front doors at 7am without a signature and we won't even see it.

*never had a delivery from actual Commet, but multiple other couriers have done this to us. To quote our major supplier "they are in a world of their own".

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Coat

Stop

joining the cover up... the comet will kill us all

By adding to the cover up , your esteemed publication shows it has joined the new world order in suppressing the truth

Must go now, seems the medication I take to control my paranoid delusions is wearing off

Mines the one with the tin foil hat in the pocket

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In your coat pocket?

You NEVER take your tin foil hat off man!

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FAIL

Easy solution to the idiots panicing

You can buy my special anti-comet elixir for only US$9999 - based upon homeopathic techniques, it has some cometary gasses (CN) to make you resistant to the effects of the comet.

You can also buy a space in my special comet-proof bunker for only US$999999.

Don't worry, the bunker is hermetically sealed so that no nasty comet gasses can get in.

(fail for the idiots worrying about this....)

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Go

Best thing is

after the commet goes past and they are not harmed, they can't claim it didn't work!

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read between the lines

"Comet Elenin will make its closest approach to Earth on 16 October, at which point it will be 22 million miles away – more than 90 times as far off as the Moon."

that means the moon is only 244444 miles away. What's the moon doing that close? Didn't NASA have to fly millions of miles in the 60s to land on the moon? This tallies with my personal observations that recently the moon is appearing a lot bigger in the sky than I remember as a kid. Of course it has to fall down eventually but surely not this year. Does the moon go up and down in a cycle? It's funny how NASA even mentioned the moon there when the story was about a comet noone even knows about. I recommend watching the astronomological news closely from here on in.

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Headmaster

@NomNomNom

A quick shufti with your favourite search engine would have told you that the moon is 356400 km to 406700 km from the earth (it wobbles a bit due to the cheese gases escaping in random directions) (that's 2577283 to 2941024 brontosauruses, 13137 to 14992 PARISes, or 221451 to 252706 miles).

And for those moon landing images it was just a bit of driving to the Nevada desert, not hundreds of thousands of miles in some tin can on top of a huge rocket.

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Boffin

Sarcasm?

"that means the moon is only 244444 miles away"

Erm, yes. That's about right. It's ~250,000 miles away at the furthest point. Apologies if there's some weird sarcasm going on in your post that I'm missing...

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Oh come now. The lady isn't that loose.

Oh, you meant the city. 17 miles of gusset coverage did seem a tad excessive.

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@Stoneshop

Nobody uses silly units like miles any more - what's that in Linguine ?

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Isn't

Isn't the moon actually moving away from the earth at a rate of something like 2cms a year? It's not going to fall down but slowly drift away...

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@Jimbo 6

Linguine? C'mon, just convert from brontosauruses.

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Happy

Reminds me of the old Marty Feldman sketch...

...which starts with two bored airline pilots flying a plane; suddenly one of the reaches for the intercom and says "Ladies and Gentlemen - this is your captain speaking. There is absolutely nothing to worry about."

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The wings are not on fire!

The Marty amok airline pilots sketch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uq-cw2DHQeo

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Coffee/keyboard

Reminds me of the old Marty Feldman sketch...

"...which starts with two bored airline pilots flying a plane; suddenly one of the reaches for the intercom and says "Ladies and Gentlemen - this is your captain speaking. There is absolutely nothing to worry about."

Which, in turn, reminds me of an old Monty Python bit: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard East Scottish Airways. There is no need to panic."

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So... when should we start looting?

I need a new ThinkPad.

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