It's Friday, and since we have no doubt you lot will be rolling out of your local hostelry later having partaken of a few liveners, you might want to consider just what mouthwatering treat will best cap off your night on the town. Well, we at the El Reg Special Projects Bureau have a couple of suggestions from the wonderful …
Was introduced to poutine on a trip to NS with my Canadian better half a couple of years ago and have heard nothing but complaints about not being able to "do it right" without cheese curds over here, will have to have a bash at it over the weekend using your guide!
Good stuff. The cheese curds were a breeze, so there's no reason that top-quality poutine won't be coming soon to a plate near you.
The Poutine was made wrong
As someone who has spent 7 years in Montreal, I can tell you that the cheese goes on first and then the gravy.
As someone currently living in Madrid I can tell you that the Spanish are some of the most unadventurous people I've ever met when it comes to food.
Re: The Poutine was made wrong
"Some of the most unadventurous people"? They have their list of approved recipes, and if it ain't on the list, it's the Devil's work.
The gravy goes on last. It is Chips, cheese and gravy. Not chips, gravy and cheese.
Thank you for your excellent exertions in the field of vital consumer research.
I do however have some reservations about the health of your poor experimental subjects... I can't get this image out of my head:
Are you John Selwyn Gummer in disguise? And if so, I claim my £5.
Agreed, there is a reason none of my favorite restaurants in Spain are owned by Spaniards.
RE: The Poutine was made wrong
gravy? Sacre Bleu! It's a peppery chicken Velouté sauce
And to top it off one should really take in the whole effect with a pint of Labatt's Cincuante to wash it down..
Re: Some of the most unadventurous people
My mother-in-law takes unadventurous a step further, she won't even eat anything I've cooked and this is a woman who will suck the brains out of a chicken's head. I'm a pretty reasonable cook but the first thing she'll ask at dinner is who's cooked the meal.
I also have a friend who when we go out for a meal we have to decide before he arrives where to go otherwise he'll get in first with McDonalds which is as adventurous as he gets.
Apparently it's not only food, I read earlier that a third of Spaniards haven't even been outside their own province.
Poor traumatized spanish.
If we keep trying to tell the spanish there's food from outside the pueblo that's good, and then some clowns come with curds drowned in gravy and cheap pork fried with random other things --- well, thanks for undoing all the efforts. This just convinces another generation not to try.
Easy win for parmo, and I've never even tried it
Brown gravy and cheese curds were never meant to go together, least of all atop fries (or 'chips' if you like) and the result is every bit as disgusting as one might expect from such an infelicitous combination.
On the other hand, it's very hard to go wrong with deep-fried meat and Bechamel sauce.
^ What he said...
Ne'er a truer word spoken.
Cheese... eeew.... The only place cheese belongs is..... hmmm.....
(long think) .... on a pizza, or a toasted ham and cheese sandwich/croissant/whatever...
As for pork... The only way I don't like pig done is raw.
FFS, now you've made me hungry... Time to go find a pig....
The last things I need to be near when drunk
are a meat mallet and a deep fat fryer. And I'm not convinced my bechamel would survive the experience.
Go to the USA, they will show you what you can do without a frier
I have some unforgettable recollections from a few years in a US college and something called "Chease Steak". It was meat sheets 3mm thin which were grilled on a flat grill with LOTS of fat and a thick slice of cheddar topped on it. Add two buns of bread fried on the same grill and voila you have your ultimate death-by-cholesterol post-drinking bout fix...
Most deep-fat fried stuff is on an order of magnitude less fatty than anything like that.
"It was meat sheets 3mm thin which were grilled on a flat grill with LOTS of fat and a thick slice of cheddar topped on it. Add two buns of bread fried on the same grill and voila you have your ultimate death-by-cholesterol post-drinking bout fix..."
Yes. That's what I was thinking of.
To any passport-carrying Lancastrian chips and gravy is the food of the gods (indeed gravy is the main thing I judge proper - i.e. Northern - chippies on). But why you'd want to shove cheese curds on it is beyond me.
With a bit more squeezing that curd and you'd have had a nice paneer. Much better in curries than on your chips.
Chips Cheese and Gravy
When I worked at a certain disreputable PC "manufacturer" in Burnley we used to go to a local pub on Fridays and partake of their speciality, which was chips, cheese & gravy. Assembled in that order.
This, along with the Thwaites bitter used to wash it down, was one of the reasons not to buy a Time PC made on a Friday (or any other day to be honest...
SO pleased I wasn't the only person who thought of paneer when seeing the cheese curds. You're right too, much better in a curry than with chips
God forbid that any Lancastrian should ever get a passport, best keep them where they are.
Crimes against humanity
Stop it right now!
How much did Nike pay for the product placement? Hopefully enough to purchase a proper cook-top, if nothing else.
That said, post-pub grub doesn't get any better than a bacon sarnie ...
The first one
The first one is just a cheesy gravy chip.
And the gravy is wrong. Don't use bisto, but the shops sell a chinese-takeaway-style gravy paste. That's the one to use.
I think I'll stick to the post-pub kebab/pizza/chicken fried rice combo.
It'll do as long as it's thick enough to stand your spoon in.
Bisto reminds me...
Many years ago my parents held a dinner party. One allegedly "expert" guest was volunteered to make the Irish coffees. Yes, you guessed it, he didn't see the Maxwell House (jar) when looking for Nescafé (tin) and produced the most wonderful-looking but (even in his state) undrinkable Irish coffees ... made with Bisto.
Broke my dad's heart to pour all that whiskey and cream down the sink... Maybe if he'd had a poutine recipe he'd have been able to salvage something?
To do the job properly you fry up some onions, bacon, salami and garlic. Mix with the properly larded chips then top with gravy and lashings of cheese. Now grill to melt the cheese.
During the meanwhilst fry off the pork schnitzel, top with pizza sauce, ham, bacon and cheese. Slap in the grill alongside the chips.
Once cheese has melted and both concoctions are buibbling nicely then decant to a plate, grab a pint of whatever, eat then call heart surgeon!
Although my arteries just clogged *READING* your post...
I think arteries clog due to inflammation by certain sugars and veggie oils.
Leave out the chips, then go wild on the full fat!
But I'm not sure the beer will help.
I thought the standard UK late-nite was a deep fried battered Mars bar. Of course you could add some Camembert to that if you like.
Only north of Hadrian's Wall
(Scotland to you non-natives).
Pork what the hell is wrong with you?
Anyone (in the north East anyway) will tell you they are made with chicken breast hammered out. Even the local Asda does them know ready to go in the oven.
For the truly drunken feast you can't beat my locals Parmo butty.
RE: Pork Parmo
The original Boro parmos were indeed pork. However during the gradual takeover of local takeaways by Muslim businessmen the pork soon got replaced with (the nicer IMO) chicken.
Can't beat a "full" hot shot parmo with pepperoni and jalepenios.
And salad, of course
wouldn't surprise me if the chicken were Halal as well...
Insist on Pork... it cannot by definition ever be Halal...
Wont somebody think of the children?!?!
This is clearly some form of abuse!
Drink, schmoke, and a kroket...
If you'd like to continue the search for the ultimate post-pub nosh may I suggest that you try a Dutch 'Kroket'. These are similar to the French 'Croquette', but instead of mashed potato they are filled with a scalding-hot mystery-meat 'sludge' that sticks to the inside of your mouth like savoury napalm. Of course if you are drunk when you eat one you usually don't notice exactly how hot they are until you sober-up the next day and the find the skin peeling-off the roof of your mouth... :)
More info, and a recipe for krokets here:
Christ on a bike, I'd forgotten about that Amstel-fueled Kroket fest until just now.
I feel sick all over again.
I congratulate you sir, for the use of the phrase 'savoury napalm'.
I must say, you're not really selling it to me very well as post pub food. But then I can't bring myself to face a British kebab shop or van even when drunk.
A proper portion of fish'n'chip shop chips does it best. Proper fat ones, none of this frites malarkey either please. Although when I lived in Brussels, they were an OK substitute. I will however give credit to our Belgian friends for their excellent curry ketchup, which seemed to be some sort of sweet chilli, fake-tomato-y (OK, let's be honest, non-specific red flavour), yummyness.
As for mayonnaise and chips? Down with this sort of thing!
Kroket, bitterball, frikadel
The dutch may not have invented deep-fried late-night food but they are definitely the ones who perfected it.
it has to be Sav'n'Chips, with plenty of salt (to replace that lost due to alcohol intake) - heavenly.
Mayonnaise works best on wedges, or crispy fries, but is a disaster on real chips.
Kroket bitterbal and frikandel
Just a typo there, the German frikadel (meat ball) is very different from the Dutch frikandel (sausage of the CMOT Dibbler type).
BTW a bitterbal is just a kroket but smaller, and round rather than cylindrical. They are usually served at cocktail parties and receptions. The correct etiquette after biting one is to say "Eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuh" with your hand in front of your mouth.
Thumbs up to "savoury napalm"
You made the mistake of putting the curds on the poutine after the gravy. The gravy goes on last please.
Also...you can up the ante by putting chicken (or turkey...or smoked meat) and peas on it too. C'est magnifique!!
Take it from me
As a born and bred Teessider you need at least 3 times the amount of cheese on your parmo to make it authentic.
Manx national dish
Ask any local staggering home from a pub in the Isle of Man and they'll happily tell you the Manx National Dish is chips, cheese & gravy.
For the connoisseurs amongst you, add a dash of balsamic vinegar.
It's exactly this sort of stupidity...
That's kept me coming back here for the last 10 years!
Excellent Friday article.
Sadly I no longer live in the Boro but when I do return a parmo is top of my needs, and now nearly every takeaway sells them in one form or another.
If I were your children I would start saving up to send you on a once in a lifetime trip to the Dignitas Hotel in Switzerland.
...just cook up a few more tasty Parmos
That no-one has mentioned that absolute staple of Scottish gut-busting gastronomy, the munchie box.
Yes, I know it's a wikipedia link, but hey...
Is this not what the Italians call Pork Milanese? (The Parmo that is).
AC to avoid the hordes of angry Italian chefs.
"AC to avoid the hordes of angry Italian chefs."
It is, but the Italians are a bunch of gastronomic frauds anyway; pay them no heed. This is the country that sincerely believes having a differently shaped pasta is enough to make its "regional" pasta dish special in some way.
The Italians can deep-fry with the best of them, however:
Supplì — typically a sausage of ragù risotto with a lump of mozzarella cheese shoved inside, then deep fried in breadcrumbs; most popular in the Lazio region and its neighbours.
Arancino ("little orange") — very similar to supplì: deep-fried risotto, but a different shape with no tomatoes, originally from Sicily,
Calzone ("big sock") — usually a local meat product deep fried in a sort of pancake-ish batter;
Olive Ascolane— olives stuffed with meat and deep fried in breadcrumbs
And, of course, various forms of deep-fried cheese (usually mozzarella).
(Seriously, why else do you think older Italians are so bloody fat? They *invented* fast food! The Romans even invented the burger!)
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