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back to article NHS trust issues nurse jub flash alert

East and North Hertfordshire NHS Trust has decided that its patients do not subscribe to the Sid James school of healthcare and has ordered Babs Windsors to keep their nursely chesticles firmly under wraps. The clampdown on excessive jubliness forms part of a drive to promote a "professional and consistent" image for doctors and …

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NOOOOO!

What's the point in being ill if there's no scenery to look at?

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Unhappy

Bloody killjoys!

The jubbies and associated flesh are the only thing that makes a hospital stay tolerable...

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Practicalities

What with all the hoohah about MRSA etc, I suggest uniforms should all be PVC.

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Coat

38DD (well, its letters and digits innit?)

and skin-tight pvc at that !!

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Gimp

skintight

I'll let you make the female nurses wear PVC if you're cool with me making all the male nurses wear full rubber uniforms!

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Anonymous Coward

Now if only...

...they could apply the same policy to the patients. Far too many manoobs in the local A&E for my liking.

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customer complaints

So that will be from the WAGs of the actual patients then :-)

However some of the list makes sense as the items listed could be a breading ground for bugs.

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Paris Hilton

I hate to say this

In my hospital experience, for Every Abi Titmuss, there are at least two dozen Jo Brands*.

Prehaps its not such a bad idea to enforce a strong dress code after all

*Both ex Nurses, so actually quite on topic for a change

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@Jo Brand

(wonderful personality btw). I agree. I suspect the Reg's view of nurses is educated by TV and film, not reality.

Bare midriffs are fine if they are fit. If the person is somewhat overweight then the resultant flab bulges out from the constraints of upper and lower clothing.

I leave you with that thought.

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Trollface

Oh

Anything to do with Cameron and co getting shouted at?

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I know you're trolling but...

It was actually the BBC camera crew that got shouted at.

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Facepalm

Rant

Don't you just hate this modern world, it's all about appearance and not whether people are actually doing their jobs properly.

My partner got a letter today from a hospital trust (not the above) saying she had been discharged from the clinic because she had failed to attend an appointment. This appointment had been changed at very short notice and so she could not attend as she was abroad, she had informed them before said appointment and then she had attended the rearranged appointment 2 weeks ago!

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FAIL

Rant 2

My mum got an appointment for 10.00 monday morning. The appointment was in a letter sent on friday....with a second class stamp. And they had the cheek to ball her out for not attending.

Rant 3. She then got a new appointment for the following month......could'nt work out why it was on a sunday, till I noticed it was for the following year. Yep. You got it. They sent an appontment for 13 monthes time.

Full of admin twonks without a single common sense brain cell between them.

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WTF?

Disband MI5, SB, CI5 etc

The terrorists have already won!

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WTF?

Customer complaints?

Why not just call them passengers and be done with it?

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TopHole!

I would not wish to be delivered to the operating theatre by some oik CHAV with his uniform sagging about his ankles or his oik CHAVESS poking her flaccid belly about the place with her navel decoration on show.

You may discuss the highlights of last nights Corrie along with budgets and other shit to do with who you really do not like in your job as you traverse the bloody internals of my body after the 'head bloke' has rendered me non-compus...

Can I change my mind about that one. I would be honoured to be delivered to the....

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Not in the NHS yo don't

> a buxom, denim-miniskirted nurse

I think you're getting confused with private hospitals

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Paris Hilton

Right, that's it...

I'm going BUPA!

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Joke

Oh err

I'd BUPA alright.

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Facepalm

Private

BUPA? I hardly knew her.

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Childcatcher

Not I

In most circumstances I'd have no objection to skimpy clothing, for the obvious reason if the wearer were good looking, but even otherwise it would be a lively topic for conversation.

I might object, though, if I were recovering from a circumcision.

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Facepalm

How many times?

El Reg is getting slack. again.

PICTURES OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

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Coat

Got a nurse fetish/fantasy?

then try getting a job in an NHS hospital. That will cure it. most of the nurses where i work look more like hattie jaques or sid james then babs.

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Joke

The medical benefit of jubs on display

It is a documented fact that an occasional flash of jubs has been shown to stimulate the heart rate and bloodflow in many male (and some female) patients.

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@Joe User

Sounds like there should be the possibility for a research project there - maybe the National Blood Service could try an experiment to see if donation times are shorter with more stimulating staff.

Though personally I'd settle for someone who actually listens when I say "Err - I think you just pushed it through the *back* side of my vein".

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@David Wilson

>>maybe the National Blood Service could try an experiment to see if donation times are shorter with more stimulating staff.

Sperm banks could try the same experiment.

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Joke

Joining mam valleys...

"... on the proscribed list are scruffy beards, unkempt fingernails"

So your typical Herts woman then...

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Anonymous Coward

@Pete 2 - which private hospitals?

I've not frequented many, but would love to know which private hospitals could ever possibly have ever seen a "a buxom, denim-miniskirted nurse".

Mostly they seem to be staffed by ladies in their 40s or above who must spend all morning putting on as many clothes as is possible to cover every inch of their body from neck downwards before putting on that stern face to ensure absolutely no smile could ever cross their lips.

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Coat

No jubs?

So taking a temperature with a daffodil is right out, then?

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WTF?

scrunchies?

One of the few disadvantages of living in a non-English-speaking country is that language innovations can be slow to reach you. What the flip are scrunchies?

On a vaguely related point, can anyone explain the joke that neither I nor the Dalai Lama understood (on several news sites today). It seems to run 'The Dalai Lama goes into a Pizzeria and says "can you make me one with everything?"'

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Pint

Okay, I'll bite

Scrunchies - you really don't want to know (because they are boring hair accessories)

The Dalai Lama joke is a pun on: make me (at) one with everything (in the world); and make me one (pizza) with everything (from the menu on it). Most puns are shit but I have to admit I quite like this one.

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Joke

At last! I have Valuable Knowledge

Scrunchies are those elasticated fabric hair ties that girls with ponytails wear. Knowing this, you are now overqualified to work in local government.

The Dalai Lama joke is on the double meaning of "one with everything":

1. Make me one (ie, make me a pizza) with everything (on it)

2. Make me one with everything, IE become part of the infinite cosmos and universal Buddha-nature of the universe. Or something like that.

This joke I first heard in "Johnny and the Bomb" by Terry Pratchett, in relation to a burger rather than a pizza. I doubt he invented the joke, though.

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Du wollen mit alles?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scrunchy

"A ponytail holder or hair tie, often very decorative with gathers. Can be solid or patterned. Usually made of fabric. Name comes from Scünci, a company which makes many types of hair products including ponytail elastics, etc."

Charver accessory, I reckon.

As to the Dalai Lama joke, maybe it's a double-entendre about attaining Nirvana and "being one with everything" or something along that line.

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Explanations

'Scrunchies' are simply little circular hair bands made of an elastic band covered by cloth to hold hair together. Simply put, they are rubber bands covered in cloth. The name scrunchie is actually a brand name that became a slang term to refer to all products of that category. Ex. All disposable bandages are typically referred to as a 'Band-Aide'

AS for the joke, it is a double meaning: "make me one with everything" could mean that he wants a pizza with all toppings on it or that he is seeking enlightenment (to be one with nature, the universe, etc.). It is an old joke and relies on a flawed understanding of the Buddhist Religion.

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Scrunchie - Dual use item

"The policy on scrunchies is not noted."

The policy on scrunchies is to have them as required items of adornment.

This is because a scrunchie can be used as a tourniquet in emergencies and for everyday use when binding the upper arm to take blood samples from the lower arm. All part of cost saving measures.

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Anonymous Coward

"cleavage, exposed midriffs, denim, shorts, leggings and mini-skirts"

ding-dong!

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No Union Complaints

Probably no complaints because the workplace representatives of the union/s involved will have been consulted throughout, which is the best way to maintain employer-employee relations.

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Meh

Shurely you mean...

....employer-union relations?

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Happy

Pulitzer Prize?

Fantastic article, Mr Haines!

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Paris Hilton

Splendidly done

I just wanted to say that this bit of writing cheered me up at the end of a long, hard day.

A bit off-colour, yes. Slightly iffy, indeed. Near the knuckle, perhaps.

But it made me laugh. Keep up the good work.

Chesticles, indeed!

<- We all know someone without enough of them.

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Boffin

Re: scrunchies?

Scrunchies are those puffy hair elastics for ponytails.

Re the joke, read this:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thecutline/20110614/ts_yblog_thecutline/australian-morning-anchor-botches-bad-joke-with-dalai-lama

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Holmes

Nothing new here

This is pretty much what we have been told for a long time. The reason for such a statement may just be a reminder in much the same way I am told to wash my hands a lot or I tell other people about data governance.

@nyelvmark - a scrunchie is nothing odd. It is a loop of elasticy stuff that females with long hair use to keep their hair in order. Something a bit nicer than a rubber band to tie up a pony tail. I don't recall noticing them at work, but I tend not to study nurses hair. You can get a lot of gossip in a hospital.

Some of these statements may also be to help keep up a neat professional attitude from the staff. With all the uncertainty about government plans, giving people something else to think about is a good idea.

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Leggings?

Is the NHS still in 1986 or something? Or is crap from the 80's cool again?

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Yes

After taking my daughter to Primark at the weekend, I can confirm that crap from the 80s is currently every bit as cool as it was in the 80s.

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is crap from the 80's cool again?

What do you mean "again" ?

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(Written by Reg staff)

Re: is crap from the 80's cool again?

I love leggings, me, and I care not a fuck if they are cool or not.

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umm

if leggings are cool, you must be wearing them wrong, shirley?

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Happy

Pics...

... or it never happened!

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FAIL

Unfortunately...

..at my local NHS theatre of fun the nurses are more Hattie Jaques than Babs Windsor :(

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My first thought!

NICHOLAS PARSONS

NICHOLAS PARSONS

NICHOLAS PARSONS

NICHOLAS PARSONS

NICHOLAS PARSONS

Who remembers the bit from The Singing Detective?

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