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Regional cuisine?

As a Southener (with a 'boro missus) my best tip? Avoid! Although it's hard when you pass pubs with "Thursday nite is Parmo nite!" plastered outside.

They do also have a "London Pizza" (that's kebab meat and chips on a pizza) - but that's a whole other story leading to a North/South fight...

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Another cultered southerner on Teesside!

Couldn't agree more. Originating from that mecca of understated culture, Essex, and continuing my missionary work in bleak wilds of Teesside I can confirm that this abomination is best left alone. The basic recipe involves flattening the fillet by throwing on the floor and rolling a fat geordie lass upon it until it acheives the required shape.

God how I miss proper kebabs....

(and yes I'm only this brave because she who must be obeyed - a native - doesn't read el reg...)

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A Geordie Lass?

Clearly a tourist in Middlesbrough. Which reminds me of this description of a Victorian occupation, long-since consigned to the annals of history....

"*Dung Boy..

This was the lad who swept up animal manure off the streets using a pan and brush. He then slung it into a bin. Locally, these bins were taken to a spot near the coast where they were shamefully allowed to pile up higher and higher. In time, the mountain of stinking ordure grew so big that some bright spark in Whitehall decided to give it County Borough status and call it Middlesbrough."

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Geordie lass?

Try again - if you're from Teesside you're a smoggy, not a geordie!

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IT angle?

That'll be the chips. I think, on reflection, I'd rather eat afterbirth...

But, what's in a name? Just applied for a job here where they use microwave to measure water content of 'biosolids'. Turds, to common folk, from compacted sewage. They call the resulting putty-like 'product' - cake. Shudder.

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Happy

Some job

...and you applied for that? There's obviously a secret you're not telling us. Maybe one of the perks includes...

...no, can't think of any perks a job microwaving crap would offer.

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easy...

money?

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"They call the resulting putty-like 'product' - cake. Shudder"

Please tell me that you're NOT working for Mr Kipling....

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Gives new meaning to..

"Let them eat cake" (pronounced cak in some places).

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re: "They call the resulting putty-like 'product' - cake"

Nah, that's gotta be a lie.

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Badgers

Low(er)-fat alternative

We bash our chicken breast, pork tenderloin or deboned pork chop flat with a rolling pin, coat with egg and panko crumbs, then bake them. Serve with griddled courgettes or baked sweet potato chips - Yum!

(Badgers, because that would probably be delicious too)

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Anonymous Coward

@MarkB

I prefer the less lower fat alternative:

Slice the pork thin (you could roll it or bash it but I find it quicker and easier to slice), coat with egg and golden breadcrumbs and then shallow(ish) fry them in oil until slightly crispy.

Server with lemon and your favourite vegetables. It is a kind of take on the Wiener Schnitzel idea but without torturing the animal first.

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Turkey breast slices...

...always beaten flat and breadcrumbed and shallow fried. Breadcrumb twice for the best results. (egg-breadcrumbs-egg-breadcrumbs-fry)

Veal is my first choice though, Segala veal raised sur mere.

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Food?

That looks like vomit. I actually think I'd die if I was near it.

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eeeeek run away

you delicate little flower, you

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OMFG!

That looks like it's just been shovelled off the pavement outside a kebab shop.

The last thing to produce the queasy feeling that picture caused was the corkscrew section of the "Colossus" at Thorpe Park.

Until today I thought that selling recently vommed on crap as food was unique to McDonalds......

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Anonymous Coward

South of Watford™

The north/south divide is generally, I have always understood, regarded as Watford Gap service station, which is another 60-odd miles up the road from Watford.

This is no petty semantics - it spares thousands of people the indignity of being 'northern'.

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Coat

HAH

Amen to that! As a proper southerner i have had occasion to live up in the norvern wastelands, and it's not fun...

Flameproof coat, natch.

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Happy

Scotch Corner

Can't be any worse than 'Scotch Corner'...which is nearly 100 miles from any corner of Scotland.

Many a time I've travelling up thinking.."Ah, Scotch Corner...home soon..". When in fact, I'm practically still in the midlands.

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Grenade

Works both ways

Also saves thousands from being labeled as Southern Gits.

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MrT
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Isn't Scotch Corner...

... called that because it's usually where the invading Scots gave up and went back home?

I know they got a bit further a few times, but the call of the haggis as it roams free (clockwise only, obviously, because the anti-clockwise ones are mute) around mountains in the far reaches of the Great Glen doesn't carry much further than Catterick Garrison ;-)

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Scotch corner

..is a junction on the Great North Road (A1), where traffic to Scotland had to decide if they were heading to the West Coast or East Coast, due to the fact there weren't that many roads or British Snail/Network Rail around at the time.

Or perhaps its where you asked yourself "Have I still got 300 miles to go? Better have a Scotch then..."

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Anonymous Coward

chicken fried steak

Sounds a bit like something I once had a US diner ... decided I wanted steak but was put off the standard steak by the fact that it came with 3 eggs which seemed excessive and chose and alternative of "chicken fried steak" ... this turned out to be steak fried in breadcrumbs with a white sauce on top ... I rapidly regretted not facing up to the eggs!

N.b. its not just steak that can be "chicken fried" as I believe that "chicken fried chicken" is an alternative.

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Happy

Surprised

Given the septics legendary calorific meals, I'm surprised it wasn't a massive steak wrapped in cheese and whole a chicken, then fried. Then covered in cheese. And fried again. Then served with chips and mayo. And cheese. And maybe something called "Salad". With cheese in it.

Did I mention the cheese?

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well,

Chicken-fried steak, as far as I know, is a Texan invention, though I used to see it at cafeterias in Colorado. I don't think the white sauce on top is standard.

"Chicken fried chicken" is not in fact an alternative. State health department uniformly require human cooks; shabby as some of the restaurant kitchens are, their hygienic standards are far above those of the coop.

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Once, in a diner I saw

a Man Eating Chicken!

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Anonymous Coward

RE: chicken fried steak

The "white sauce" is called country gravy. Usually the CFS is bigger than the plate! Served with a side of mashed po-tay-toes topped with country gravy. Washed down with a large iced tea, also topped with country gravy*.

*Ok, I made that part up about the tea.

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Advanced parmo eating

Try a bolognese parmo (basically a standard parmo with a load of bologense sauce on top), or a hotshot parmo (standard parmo + pepperoni and a sh*tload of jalapenos).

They are best consumed with the cheapest white cider that you can find.

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Anonymous Coward

beer goggles

To all the posters saying "yuk", remember how the eyesight and appetite is affected after ten pints. Be that Newky Brown or one of the "Cockney wanker"-style brews.

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Anonymous Coward

title

Surely you meant "dog" not newky brown (tho I wonder how they can be allowed to still call it Newcastle Brown Ale when it's now brewed in Gateshead), I question your northern credentials! :P

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Pint

northern credentials

But, but, but, I was born in Kent.

Tunbridge Wells actually, so it's banana dacquiris for me when I want a skinful before my kebab-style early death meal. Not.

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Happy

Newky brown

...I survived one night on this. Never again. It's lethal and toxic.

The UN did me for un-sanctioned use of aerosol nerve-agents the next day and for permanently contaminating the sewer system.

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@AC 09:52

It's not even brewed at the old Fed brewery in Gateshead any more - try Tadcaster.

By the end Scottish & Newcastle should only have been called "&"

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MrT
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Pint

Lots of beers AWOL...

Tetleys shut their Leeds brewery and move some to Tad and others to ... Marstons. Gah!

Still, look at the mess S&N made of Theakstons - Black Sheep FTW. Riggwelter's nice if you fancy losing the feeling in arms and legs.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @AC 09:52

"By the end Scottish & Newcastle should only have been called "&""

Don't underestimate the eventual influence of those Soho-based creative people and their branding exercises!

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if you like this kind of thing

Try the taco fries from the Abrakebabra in Dublin. (say "yes" to pink sauce and cheese when asked!)

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JDX
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Ugh

Go for a Northern Delight pizza instead.

Thing is, done by a chef a parmo would probably be quite nice.

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You brave souls

Perhaps the environment we live in makes us immune to the potential aftermath of a pebble dashed toilet. It will certainly be an interesting experiment.

There is a little variety for the more adventurous parmo consumers among you in the form of the Mushroom Parmo, The Hot Shot Parmo, The Bolognese Parmo, or, for the man with a serious death wish, there is the culinary equivalent to a tactical nuke - The Parmo Pizza Pie; a 7" or 10" parmo or your choosing on a pizza base available from Mighty Bite.

I heartily recommend a Hot Shot with galic sauce.

I salute you brave southerners. Rest assured that nearest hospital is only a 5 minute drive from the town centre.

Fire because, well, get a loo roll in the fridge lads.

PS. do not make the mistakes of other visitors to our strange shores and order a full parmo. This will surely kill you. Only get a half :-)

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Pizza Parmo

You've missed the pizza parmo which is a parmo served on top of a margherita pizza, can feed a starving student for a week.

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Pint

Parmo??? Try a Parmy!

Take 1 large chicken breast and cut it through the center butterfly style so it opens out into a large chicken slab.

Dip chicken into a beaten egg and completely coat with egg.

Coat the egg/chicken completely with breadcrumb.

Heat a fryingpan with a small amount of oil and cook the chicken completely browning both sides.

Once cooked, apply bolognaise tomato paste to one side of the chicken, add a piece of bacon (and if so desired a ring of pineapple, it's optional) and top with shredded cheese.

Put the resulting pile in the oven and cook until cheese has melted and started to brown.

Serve immediately with a side of chips, vegetables or salad.

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@robert heffernan

...or a salad. Bless you. It's like obese people ordering a big mac meal with a diet coke.

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well

strip the bacon and cheese and its not too bad for you.

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anything in breadcrumbs...

is still quite bad for you, the breadcrumbs soak up quite a lot of fat

bacon and cheese aren't that bad for you as it's "natural" fats, where as most people will probably fry in "vegetable" oil which is high in trans-fats which are the new satan sauce apparently

ditch the breadcrumbs, keep the bacon (my new motto)

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Happy

@ andybird123

I think the (very general) rule of thumb is that at room tempature, fat that is:

- solid = bad

- liquid = not so bad (almost good, in certain quantities)

- still moving = very bad

- glowing = very, very bad.

- solid, still moving and glowing = best just avoided altogether

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Joke

Re: @robert heffernan

"...or a salad. Bless you."

Robert Heffernan is obviously Doug Heffernan's healthier brother.

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Aussie Parmy

The reason I posted this recipe is it's a damn sight healthier than the Deep Fried, mass of cheese stodge mentioned and pictured in the original article. It's also what you get for the most part in Australian pubs.

The bacon on top is not a whole strip of bacon, just the eye piece, it has little fat, lays flat and is smaller than the chicken portion.

The cheese is to taste, if you want a lite healthy parmy, use low-fat cheese and a smaller amount.

As for the breadcrumbs soaking up the oil, I use olive oil when I cook it, no need to use any of this heart-clogging vegetable oils or lard, fat or dripping. You DEFINITELY do not deep fry it.

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South Aussie parmy to be exact

I was under the impression that this was a South Australian thing. The rest of the country regarding us as "schnitzel eating freaks" to quote a bar manager of my aquantaince who hailed from New South Wales. Mind you, the last time I was in Melbourne I spotted a sign outside a pub advertising "parmas" so it may be spreading. The same pub advertised Coopers on tap.

If you are in Adelaide, get yourself to the Earl of Leicester Hotel in Parkside. They do one of the best in town. Don't order a liar size unless you are mad - one of those fed three of us.

Oh, and don't use bacon, use ham.

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Pint

The pinnacle of drunk eating

Round (west midlands) here we've got the doner meat nanzza - a nan bread half the size of Wales topped with tomato sauce, mozzerella and doner kebab meat. Lovely after a pint or eight.

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Anonymous Coward

nanzza

So named because they're not for nanzza-boys?

Is it lunchtime yet?

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Looks revolting

For a proper Northern Delicacy, try Chips, Cheese and Gravy (and it must be crappy chip-shop gravy. None of that proper rubbish).

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