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back to article CATS to be saved by BLASPHEMERS after the RAPTURE

In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is pencilled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' wellbeing after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl. Make no …

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Happy

Looting

Bad facebook people are also organising Post Rapture Looting...

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Happy

On the other hand

If there's any justice in the world, God will take the pets and leave the Christians.

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Joke

Noooooooo......

>God will take the pets and leave the Christians.

Please take them - they cause nothing but trouble here.

ttfn

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The original typo

GOD ... DOG ... ?!

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All I can say

Well Christians where is your Dog now?

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Anonymous Coward

I deny the holy spirit.

Can I have my $135 now?

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But...

Do you get your pet back on 22 May?

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FAIL

Is it Rapture time again already?

How many Raptures is that they've had now? Every one passes uneventfully.

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Pint

World's end

The reason there are many pubs, and even places, called the World's End. All the unrepentant sinners gathered there on the promised last day, to enjoy their last opportunity at enjoyment for, er, all eternity thereafter. When the day passed uneventally, they re-named the pub.

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Flame

Newsflash: RAPTURE HAPPENED -- very few Christians affected.

It's just that the number of eligible Christians has been almost zero.

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Anonymous Coward

Orly

Pubs called the Worlds End and The last Drop tend to be next to the sites of Gibbets. A ghoulish joke on the convicted who made them a lot of money in the days of public execution.

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God can't be everywhere

This will be a busy time for God, he'll probably outsource the locating of his followers to Google so he'll need to ensure their servers are up, running and unaffected by the surrounding chaos. Maybe it was God who commissioned location tracking for this very purpose.

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Good God Man!

Don't you know that God is omnipresent? No need for GPS when you are everywhere at the same time. God has never EVER been confused by bad signage at the Bushy arches (for example). Sort of like Quantum theory, probably.

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erm... yes He can

Santa Claus manages to be everywhere in the world on a single day... I'm sure an omnipotent being such as God can manage the same trick.

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Thumb Up

Photons...

...do not experience time. They attach to time, like a rider on a streetcar.

Matter is bundles of photons, dancing in specific orbits. The indivitual photons within each particle continue to attach to time, but cannot travel with time because other photons are being pulled by time in other directions. Thus, to a rock or human, time "passes." Another effect we feel, is that a bit of time becomes held back by all the "hooked on" photons, creating the feeling of gravity.

A universal superbeing would need to be composed of photons. Individual photons can be very big, certainly as big as the universe. A being made of photons would experience all the universe, but would experience time in a Santa Clausian fashion.

But, just in case, I have created a PayPal button on my home page to take care of the adorable doggie.

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A job

for Jobs?

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MJI
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Santa

No he is just extremely fast - substantial fraction of the speed of light.

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September 2004

So how do we know there was no rapture? Maybe most people just didn't make the grade.

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Happy

Hmmm.

That's where the weirdos go when they disappear...

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FAIL

This has happened before...

I have a vague memory of seeing a programme concerning some eccentric Texan oil millionaire, who was utterly convinced that on the millennium, treasures would be found in some part of Israel. He was therefore trying to buy up huge areas of what to all intents and purposes was useless desert, to the complete bemusement of the Israeli government (who were pretty sure it was completely worthless, but were unable to bring themselves to sell to a foreigner who might, just might know more than they did).

Anybody remember the guy?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: This has happened before

I doubt Israel would be worried about selling land to anybody. If they wanted it later they'd just send in some settlers, win win.

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Pint

Wooot!

Less than a week until we can be rid of one of the more annoying (and often down-right offensive) segments of humanity and get on with living our lives. Please Please Please.

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They don't need to save the cats

Come the rapture, Ceiling Cat will summon his faithful to him.

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Pint

How are you gentlemen?

You have no chance to survive make your time?

Sorry.

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"Somebody set up us the bomb."

Lol...

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Coffee/keyboard

Note to self: get waterproof keyboard

The people who cooked this up must have thought: "I have a plan so cunning if you gave it a tail you would call it a weasel!"

This is such a brilliant way to get money out of people. Even if the believers in the rapture wake up rather bemusedly on May 22, you can still say: You simply paid an insurance premium, we will pay out (in the form of pet care) when judgment day does arrive.

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Unhappy

My thoughts exactly!

"Damn!!! Why didn't I think of this?"

Stupidity is truly the most valuable of all mineable resources.

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A marketing oportunity in Oz

And we are afflicted with someone claiming to a god, insisting we are doomed, doomed in 2012 who for once, is not a greenie alarmist or Obamas treasurer. Now there is a "save the pets rescue offer" market.

Nice to see some humour taking the mickey out of the so serious devotees of a recent belief, say only 150 years old.

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Dead Vulture

Cough up

I'm an atheist and I'll happily look after your pet cats after you have been lifted up the heaven by zombie Jesus.

I will however require a retainer to help pay for the outfitting of my post-apocalyptic cat haven to keep your moggie safe and the hordes of Satan and the undead out.

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Happy

Other services are available ...

Just ask them for their bank account details and deeds to their houses - they won't be needing those either will they?

For an added fee you could offer to update their Facebook status and erase the porn from their computers.

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Paris Hilton

Perhaps I can help

I'm doing a special right now on Satanic Horde Repellent. Four cans for a fiver, ten for a tenner. Lifetime guarantee!

Also whether intentional or not, the phrase "up the heaven" is full of win. I just have an image stuck in my head now of Jesus turning up in a rickety Routemaster with a fag hanging out his mouth, saying: 'Op in then.

Will Paris be "taken up the heaven"?

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Other Services are available

You won't need the additional info. Post enrapturement, you'll know that they're not going to be in.

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Joke

Save yourself 10 bucks.

Presumably, by definition, there are no Customs officers in heaven.

Therefore, when taken by the rapture, just stick your cat under your pullover and smuggle it in!

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Can they look after my pet?

He's quite unique what with his 'seven heads and ten horns, and on his horns ten crowns, and on his heads a blasphemous name'

Answers to the name Mr. Sprinkles.

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SW
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Why just the pets...?

I imagine that there might be some marriages (civil or otherwise) that might well be of one Atheist and one Christian.

I ask you - what happens to the Atheist that is left behind - who's going to look after them? Who's going to ensure the fridge is stocked up and the phone-bill paid (else we cannot order in our pizza)?

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Pint

All Your...

...Basset are belong to us.

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Don't worry

Raptures always arrive in threes. If you miss the first one, catch the next one along.

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Coat

Obviously ater waiting aeons for one to come along

So, does this mean the Rapture is run by London Transport?

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Oh ye of little faith

It seems that modern Christians no longer have faith that their God has thought of everything. And if you have so little faith, you'll be left behind on the big day. So you can take care of your pet yourself you miserable sinner.

By the way ... is it a sin to extract cash from gullible fellow-believers?

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Go

Sin to extract cash ...?

I don't think so, as long as you take the money in good faith and genuinely care about pets. You're offering someone peace of mind, which is a much better product offering than, say, Windows Vista and a pre-installed crapware bundle on a PC with 0.5Gb RAM. In the unlikely event of the Rapture during the pet's lifetime (or yours if shorter), with both yourself and the insured pets being left behind on a survivable earth, you'd use best efforts to look after the pet(s).

It's a perfectly ethical insurance policy. Unless you get a lawyer to write it, and he puts in the usual disclaimers about force majeure and acts of God. Hmmm, must find out, where and what did Dante envisage for lawyers?

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is it a sin to extract cash from gullible fellow-believers?

Are you for real??

That is THE founding tennet of christianity - 'theres one born every day'

not to mention the LEAST worrying interperataion whe a cardinal shouts 'bring in my devoted suckers'

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IT Angle

@Nigel

I was wondering what the IT angle was

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Alien

Pedantic?

"take your place at God's right hand"

Lester, I'm baffled over the term 'God's right hand'.

As, it seems, most of various gods followers are promised a seat which leads to one or two questions both of which seem to require a multi-dimensional solution.

Either God (faith not specified) has an infinite number of right hands or the 'One True Hand' is more akin to an electron with its ability to be in all places at the same time. If, though, there is one God and one right hand in a standard 3 or 4 dimensional set up (we'll ignore the others) won't there still be fighting between all the millions and millions of 'chosen few' as they bicker over who has the right to be on the right hand.

All I can say is thank fuck (I have more personal experience of that than any god) I'm left handed.

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Boffin

All can be there at god's right hand.

It's just not said how many others are stacked above or below you.

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Gates Horns

Perhaps it's a translation error.

You not AT his right hand, but taking the place OF his right hand.

Well if certain preists get lonely (see today press, re: Italian priest +drugs +kids), who's to say thier god doesn't have the same trouble.

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Happy

Wankers

I know what I do with my right hand and laugh every time someone want to shake hands ... not so sure that I'd want to be at Gods right hand - well, not unless he'd washed it first.

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"God's right hand"

Not a problem - you're assuming God is standard human size. As creator of the universe he can have a right hand 1000 miles across if he wants to - so plenty of room. Or, being dead and therefore insubstantial, everyone would fit on the same spot. Mind you, I doubt that there would be sufficient qualifiers to make it an issue.

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Pint

But if the hand of god has a ring about the size of Texas ...

... (as Soundgarden once supposed) that hand ought to be big enough to accommodate the Truly Worthy. Or a ginormous pint while the bickering worthies are punted to the cheap seats near the right elbow.

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Headmaster

Ginormous pint?

That would contain about, ooh, lemme see, errr.... a pint?

Sorry. Been wanting to use the pedant icon for ages.

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