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back to article White House warns El Reg over kitten-killing content

I fear this may be the last copy I ever file, following a chilling warning from the White House regarding stories I may or may not write next week, and which could have devastating consequences for the future of humanity. Earlier today, I ill-advisedly posted a rather tasty flame from "cockhead@dickhead.com", pre-objecting to …

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Happy

sniff, Sniff, SNIIIFFFF

Hmm, thought I recognised the smell.

So you're off on holida^H hiding, going anywhere nice^H safe?

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(Written by Reg staff) Bronze badge

Re: sniff, Sniff, SNIIIFFFF

I was thinking of Pakistan. Oh, hold on...

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Grenade

Quick...

Turn off all Internet and Phone service. You will be safe for years...

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Pint

*groan*

No, seriously, I did in fact groan upon discovering Obama's terrifying black chopper appearing out of nowhere. Fnar fnar.

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lol

"Obama's terrifying black chopper"

i lolled.

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Excellent

Started my weekend off with a smile.

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Megaphone

So you're saying that...

Obama's black chopper started your weekend off with a smile, huh!!

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Anonymous Coward

Wait, I'm confused about this story

So the cops knew that Internal Affairs was setting them up?

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FAIL

What is this nonsense?

GOTO: Title

LOOP

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WTF?

component failure

Your humour recognition has developed a fault.

It may be repairable.

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Pint

So, you're going on holiday (Am. vacation) then?

Have a nice week

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It's a fake

That's not a real note from any politician in the US, as demonstrated by the lack of the expression "American Values" (at least once per sentence, it's law).

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and . . .

. . .there's also no ad-break or product placement.

I wonder what happend to our old mate 'Axis of Evil' is he playing in another band now?

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Headmaster

Also,

Barack is a very smart lawyer, he'd have done it the lawyerly way (i.e., with a super-injunction).

Probably the CIA would implement it for him --- so you wouldn't even know there's an injunction, your keyboard would just refuse to type the statements concerned.

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Black Helicopters

I know where the el Reg bunker is......

.... Washington, D.C.

They would never ever look there... too busy involving themselves everywhere else.

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Stop

Re: I know where the El Reg bunker is......

Wrong! It's in Area 51!

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Don't worry bout it...

Tell Barack to get back to work and stay in crowded places for a while.

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The pre-cogs

...think you are making a wise choice.

Also, be warned that women and seamen don't mix.

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Paris Hilton

"women and seamen don't mix"

You Sir are Lewis Page and I claim my £5.

Paris? please use your imagination ( or watch the film )

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Coat

To my knowledge

this is from a Simpsons 'Tree House of Horror' episode where Monty burns plans a trip to 'Ape Island' and needs bait (to capture the giant ape), which leads to Marge joining the expedition. Smithers then says the aforementioned line.

did I just say all that?

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Heart

Must be Friday!

Fantastic!

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Coat

Yuk!

"Disgorge a huge quantity of special ops seamen"!!!

I thought they only shot Him!

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Anonymous Coward

Maybe...

they got too excited when they teabagged him...

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Pint

Happy friday to you too!

lol

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Grenade

Can't be from the Yanks

If it was, the last two sentences would read:

We know where you live. And if we're wrong, we'll slaughter the innocent civilians living there anyway, and it will all be your fault.

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It's generally hidden under careful wording, but...

Sometimes I wonder whether my government would sound like GLaDOS if only it spoke more concisely.

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Terminator

titular incandescence

We have both said things which you will regret, but we can put our differences aside. For science. You monster.

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Aha!

I believe the correct phrase is: " Can I haz ur stuff?"

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Headmaster

No no no...

That's incorrect lolspeak.

This -> "I can haz ur stuffs?"

You have to invert the subject and the verb in a query and generally make as many other spelling or grammatical mistakes as humanly possibly.

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Coffee/keyboard

Love it

"huge weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen." You owe me a new monitor, OK a wet wipe will do :-)

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Black Helicopters

I'm already regretting typing this

"a huge [black] weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen"

: /

FIFY

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Happy

Beautiful. Just beautiful...

"a huge weapon of US vengeance ... disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen."

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Coffee/keyboard

Obama's terrifying black chopper

New keyboard please!

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Joke

Holidays?

Does this mean that you will be swearing off Merkin kit for a while, at least?

And, don't forget to pack your trusty camel. You know why they are called the ship of the desert, right? (A: they are full of Arab seaman).

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Coat

wait for it ...

"huge weapon of US vengeance hovering over his head until it disgorges a huge quantity of special ops seamen"

That sounds like quite a mouth-full.

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Happy

Vacant flat

I know of a vacant flat next door to MI6 HQ. Nice views of the river. No one will think of looking for you there for quite some time.

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Pilchards!

> should Navy SEALs penetrate the defensive cordon

Just toss 'em a few fish. They'll soon stop trying to balance beach balls on their noses and waddle off to partake of your snack.

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re: on pilchards

You've just given me the mental image of a bunch of seals rising out of a swamp and brandishing trench knives.

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Well done!

I had a great result at work today and this article topped it off!

Have a great weekend everyone, especially at Vulture Towers!

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Almost a Pulitzer?

Take a month off with the family - you might never have to work again.

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endless string of silliness

You do realise that you are taking silliness to an extreme, don't you, Lester?

But it's Friday so that is absolutely fine.

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@ Lester

"Accordingly, I'm off to my own reinforced bunker complex until the dust settles. Readers concerned for my welfare should rest assured that I'm taking the missus with me to act as a human shield should Navy SEALs penetrate the defensive cordon and catch me with my pants down. Adios."

So... you're going to the loo? LOL

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Coat

"Obama's terrifying black chopper"

The men who ride such a chopper have spunk, I'll say that much. I've heard that with stealth and cunning such a chopper can penetrate even the most heavily guarded inner circle. Just be careful it doesn't leave you weeping after unexpectedly breaching your back door one night...

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Grenade

Spinning Fabulous Yarns is a Real Round Table Art Phorm

Damn Yankee Spam, Lester. It is just some sad loser chancing their arm. Ignore and delete it, is what it deserves.

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Coat

Damn

All the seamen jokes have been taken already

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Black Helicopters

Now we know

They're not black...they're SILVER!

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Happy

We're all going on a summer holiday?

He's going to find himself shadowed by a London bus.

Anyway, I've contracted with the Rain Island Army Union for a personal protection team. Though I'm beginning to with Sergeant Barber had lost his alpenhorn in transit. Led Zeppelin on an alpenhorn fitted with plenum-chamber burning can seem a tad noisy.

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Pint

Watch the bartender!

Two shots and a splash of water and it's hello goodbye kitty... or goodbye Hello Kitty, yes that's it!

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Happy

Nice one No. 6

You're not going anywhere I'm afraid.

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Jack is Number 6

"Don't tell me I'm still on that Fecking island!"

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