back to article Revealed: Secret security plan should Kate leave Wills at the altar

Police and spooks in charge of security for tomorrow's royal wedding have planned for every possible eventuality - including that of Kate leaving Wills at the altar. The top-secret contingency plan for a "runaway bride" scenario has been dubbed "Operation Pumpkin", and if put into effect would see hundreds of operatives switch …

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  1. Skrrp
    Happy

    </title>

    El Reg, please please do a Playmobil enactment of this, to the tune of Yakkety Sax.

    1. Annwyn

      Playmobil

      Seconded

      1. Kool-Aid drinker

        @PLAYMOBIL

        Me too!

        1. Miek
          Thumb Up

          Plamobil

          +1 "The post is required, and must contain letters."

    2. serviceWithASmile

      Playmobil

      Thirded

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Yes please

      really really really want to see that.

  2. jake Silver badge

    If she had any sense ...

    ... she'd be heading for Switzerland, or some other neutral territory.

    I mean, I'm not exactly normal ... but who would marry into that barmy lot on purpose? Somewhere, Vivian Stanshall is rubbing his hands together at the prospect of new material.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      Sadly, I don't think that the inimitable Viv...

      ... will be in any state to make use of this windfall. I also think that he did very well on his own.

      "If I could have all the money I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink! "

      And, was Viv buried upright beneath a giant marrow? Enquiring minds want to know!

      Mind's the one with Hubert's plasticene in the pocket....

    2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

      @jake

      Some time ago I kind of felt embarrassed for my 'barmy lot'. Until I realised there is no such thing as a normal family. Indeed, on a comparative scale mine appears quite bearable.

      1. Code Monkey

        Barmy families

        Compared to this lot, even the Fritzls look sane

        1. Colin Brett
          Coat

          @code monkey

          "Compared to this lot, even the Fritzls look sane"

          If you go back through the family tree far enough, you might even find they're related!

          1. M2Ys4U

            Related...

            "If you go back through the family tree far enough, you might even find they're related!"

            If you go back far enough *everyone* is related.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is there going to be a wedding?

    Must be a slow news day.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Hmm...

      I thought they'd called it off, after all my invite hasn't arived and as I'm paying for it, it would be rude not to invite me...

    2. Marvin the Martian
      Megaphone

      It's thursday!

      Thursday's the new Friday.

  4. Richard 81

    Well played

    Still, I wonder how the crowd would react to something of this nature.

  5. Pet Peeve
    Unhappy

    You have got to be kidding

    This is a joke, right? Please tell me that a mature first-world country didn't engage its intelligence apparatus to protect it against a flighty bride. "Defense of the Realm" this ain't.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Troll

      You're not from round these parts, are you?

      "mature first-world country" indeed.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      That's too long a word…

      "Intelligence", I mean. It obviously doesn't apply to you.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Mature? Will no one think of her coat of arms?

      My suggestion is that it include a dinosaur, a T-Rex seemingly the most appropriate.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Soon to be a motion picture!

    I imagine Richard Curtis is working on it right now.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thumbs up - you've earned your beer

    But there'd better be a PlayMobil recreation of tomorrow's gushtastic events for those of us who are naturally intolerant of wall-to-wall fawning and cringing from the likes of Nicholas Witchell and Vernon (I am so not making this up) Kaye*.

    Feel free to add velociraptors and shape-changing robots to the guest list if it promises to make things more interesting.

    * Memorably described this week by Marina Hyde as the missing link between the BBC and the vegetable kingdom.

  8. lglethal Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    El Reg... Thank You... seriously...

    Funniest thing ive read on the wedding all day! Be careful though, you might end up banned like The Chasers if you keep up this comedy lark....

  9. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    erm...... really?

    Come on .... extra-late April fools?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      ah wait ...

      just read the author name ... he he he

  10. Richard 120
    Thumb Up

    Brilliant

    "let's face it, this one's hardly that unlikely, is it?" - LOL

  11. Chad H.

    My goodness

    They really do think of everything don't they.

  12. lee harvey osmond

    Lots of people cry at weddings ...

    ... but everyone will be crying at this one. Marmaduke LaHussy, you omitted to refer to the Met's pre-ceremony excessively zealous use of tear gas.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Troll

    My money is on Wills bolting,....

    she looks like she could be a husband-beater, and he looks like he was fathered by a horse. (Seriously, everyone goes on about how handsome / smart he is; if he was just a stock broker from Sloane Park, everyone would say "upper class twit with big teeth" and move on).

    1. captain veg Silver badge

      Horse

      At least he looks a bit like the right horse, unlike his alleged brother.

      -A.

      1. stuartnz

        not alleged 'brother'

        Even in the scenario you posit, which does seem VERY likely, there's nothing "alleged" about their being brothers. Not by half.

  14. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    You missed a bit.

    That's where they cut the sound feed to ensure that there's no chance of an errant microphone picking up Phil the Greek saying: "You stupid fucking COW!", followed by the unmistakeable sound of a top-quality leather handbag being firmly walloped into a set of elderly goolies.

    1. Someone Else Silver badge
      Badgers

      "Goolies"?!?

      Are they anything like "nadgers"?

  15. Richard Jukes

    heh

    Doesnt want to be on the dating scene wearing a rug...heh...heh....still laughing... heh

  16. peyton?

    heheh

    The thought of anyone running in a dress that probably has a practically mile long train is just too funny. She'd be winded by the time she got to the church doors!

    Still, I think Clarence House missed an option. They should've requested the moving corridor of security use the confusion to funnel her around and back up to the altar ;)

    1. Pawel 1

      Maybe

      they did - but would you say that's something they would want to make public?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "don't you want my mother's lucky ring?"

    dunno if that's a better or worse approach than shouting "cease disobedient subject"

  18. Nigel Brown
    Joke

    Dear Kate.

    A piece of advice Ms Middleton. If you do cut and run, do not, I REPEAT, do NOT get into any waiting Mercedes..............

    1. bobbles31
      Coffee/keyboard

      You owe me a keyboard!

      Of course the official plan is to offer her a denim jacket and a five minute head start.

      Whatever you do Kate, dont use the tube!

  19. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    The Reg...

    ...has a Royal Correspondent?

  20. Thomas Whipp

    has me worried

    apart from the quotes this really does feel plausible, I wonder if there are security people sat in London going "damn" right now.

  21. bobbles31

    Erm

    Is it Friday already?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Erm

      It's the last working day of the week. Close enough for me :-)

  22. The Real Tony Smith
    Thumb Up

    ROTFLMAO!

    Thanks for livening up a very dull afternoon!

  23. Moz

    Bravo!

    You've just out-mashed the Daily Mash. Funniest piece I've read in ages!

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Am I the only one...

    ...who now hopes this happens? Would liven things up a bit.

    1. Unkown cow heard

      There may be people who hope it doesn't happen

      ...but they probably resemble a horse and come from a very shallow gene pool indeed!

  25. Sabine Miehlbradt
    Pint

    What's the problem?

    That's what a taser is for, innit?

    Don't your police have them?

  26. Jonathon Green
    Go

    "Oops. Sorry dear..."

    The only thing which could possibly be funnier than this scenario would be for the secretly pregnant[1] Ms Middleton to go into premature labour at the altar and then grunt forth a *black* infant into the arms of the archbishop on live TV just *after* being pronounced married.

    We can but hope...

    [1] Yes, I know, it's amazing what a *really* good couturier can disguise isn't it....

    1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
      Badgers

      It's well known...

      that what it takes a commoner or a cow nine months to do, a countess can do in seven. Presumably the higher you go up the social tree the less time it takes?

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