Police and spooks in charge of security for tomorrow's royal wedding have planned for every possible eventuality - including that of Kate leaving Wills at the altar. The top-secret contingency plan for a "runaway bride" scenario has been dubbed "Operation Pumpkin", and if put into effect would see hundreds of operatives switch …
El Reg, please please do a Playmobil enactment of this, to the tune of Yakkety Sax.
+1 "The post is required, and must contain letters."
really really really want to see that.
If she had any sense ...
... she'd be heading for Switzerland, or some other neutral territory.
I mean, I'm not exactly normal ... but who would marry into that barmy lot on purpose? Somewhere, Vivian Stanshall is rubbing his hands together at the prospect of new material.
Sadly, I don't think that the inimitable Viv...
... will be in any state to make use of this windfall. I also think that he did very well on his own.
"If I could have all the money I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink! "
And, was Viv buried upright beneath a giant marrow? Enquiring minds want to know!
Mind's the one with Hubert's plasticene in the pocket....
Some time ago I kind of felt embarrassed for my 'barmy lot'. Until I realised there is no such thing as a normal family. Indeed, on a comparative scale mine appears quite bearable.
Compared to this lot, even the Fritzls look sane
"Compared to this lot, even the Fritzls look sane"
If you go back through the family tree far enough, you might even find they're related!
"If you go back through the family tree far enough, you might even find they're related!"
If you go back far enough *everyone* is related.
Is there going to be a wedding?
Must be a slow news day.
I thought they'd called it off, after all my invite hasn't arived and as I'm paying for it, it would be rude not to invite me...
Thursday's the new Friday.
Still, I wonder how the crowd would react to something of this nature.
You have got to be kidding
This is a joke, right? Please tell me that a mature first-world country didn't engage its intelligence apparatus to protect it against a flighty bride. "Defense of the Realm" this ain't.
You're not from round these parts, are you?
"mature first-world country" indeed.
That's too long a word…
"Intelligence", I mean. It obviously doesn't apply to you.
Mature? Will no one think of her coat of arms?
My suggestion is that it include a dinosaur, a T-Rex seemingly the most appropriate.
Soon to be a motion picture!
I imagine Richard Curtis is working on it right now.
Thumbs up - you've earned your beer
But there'd better be a PlayMobil recreation of tomorrow's gushtastic events for those of us who are naturally intolerant of wall-to-wall fawning and cringing from the likes of Nicholas Witchell and Vernon (I am so not making this up) Kaye*.
Feel free to add velociraptors and shape-changing robots to the guest list if it promises to make things more interesting.
* Memorably described this week by Marina Hyde as the missing link between the BBC and the vegetable kingdom.
El Reg... Thank You... seriously...
Funniest thing ive read on the wedding all day! Be careful though, you might end up banned like The Chasers if you keep up this comedy lark....
Come on .... extra-late April fools?
ah wait ...
just read the author name ... he he he
"let's face it, this one's hardly that unlikely, is it?" - LOL
They really do think of everything don't they.
Lots of people cry at weddings ...
... but everyone will be crying at this one. Marmaduke LaHussy, you omitted to refer to the Met's pre-ceremony excessively zealous use of tear gas.
My money is on Wills bolting,....
she looks like she could be a husband-beater, and he looks like he was fathered by a horse. (Seriously, everyone goes on about how handsome / smart he is; if he was just a stock broker from Sloane Park, everyone would say "upper class twit with big teeth" and move on).
At least he looks a bit like the right horse, unlike his alleged brother.
not alleged 'brother'
Even in the scenario you posit, which does seem VERY likely, there's nothing "alleged" about their being brothers. Not by half.
The thought of anyone running in a dress that probably has a practically mile long train is just too funny. She'd be winded by the time she got to the church doors!
Still, I think Clarence House missed an option. They should've requested the moving corridor of security use the confusion to funnel her around and back up to the altar ;)
they did - but would you say that's something they would want to make public?
Doesnt want to be on the dating scene wearing a rug...heh...heh....still laughing... heh
You missed a bit.
That's where they cut the sound feed to ensure that there's no chance of an errant microphone picking up Phil the Greek saying: "You stupid fucking COW!", followed by the unmistakeable sound of a top-quality leather handbag being firmly walloped into a set of elderly goolies.
Are they anything like "nadgers"?
"don't you want my mother's lucky ring?"
dunno if that's a better or worse approach than shouting "cease disobedient subject"
A piece of advice Ms Middleton. If you do cut and run, do not, I REPEAT, do NOT get into any waiting Mercedes..............
You owe me a keyboard!
Of course the official plan is to offer her a denim jacket and a five minute head start.
Whatever you do Kate, dont use the tube!
...has a Royal Correspondent?
has me worried
apart from the quotes this really does feel plausible, I wonder if there are security people sat in London going "damn" right now.
Is it Friday already?
It's the last working day of the week. Close enough for me :-)
Thanks for livening up a very dull afternoon!
You've just out-mashed the Daily Mash. Funniest piece I've read in ages!
Am I the only one...
...who now hopes this happens? Would liven things up a bit.
There may be people who hope it doesn't happen
...but they probably resemble a horse and come from a very shallow gene pool indeed!
What's the problem?
That's what a taser is for, innit?
Don't your police have them?
Cor ..... you wouldn't believe some of the stuff that is dealt with
"You have got to be kidding .... "Defense of the Realm" this ain't." ... Pet Peeve Posted Thursday 28th April 2011 11:38 GMT.
Quite so, Pet Peeve, it is Right Royal Protection in Action and Virtual Reality for Defense of Dream Realms and their Promotions in Future Programs as Present Realities ....... for AI Heavenly Views in Beta Paths to Travel.
A Quantum Leap is no Small Step for a Wild English Rose with Bewildering Magic in Insatiable Passions and Abuse of Process is the Tower Route for the Mal Phormed and Uninformed in other Outcomes with Programming.
When Life is a Game whose Code XSSXXXX Scripts does one follow to realise/energise to present future intelligence and completely new views on everything for collective learning with personal experience experiments an attractive and addictive Power Control Driver for Leading Applications with Hot Assets and Critical Needs/Vital Feeds.
It's a little more than just a wedding, methinks, whenever so much is presently at stake.
Quantum Control BetaTest XSSXXXX1104281340.
Damn Universal Translator is ont he fritz again!!